From the U.S.: I have a boyfriend of about a year and he makes me super happy and we talk comfortably and laugh so easily together. We agree on everything and I can completely be myself around him. I’ve never felt this with anyone in my entire life.
However, my boyfriend can’t ever take his focus off of my past. I’ve had one boyfriend who I lost my virginity to and another guy I drunkenly hooked up with a few times. My boyfriend lost his virginity to me and we had a great first 6 months. Then, he cheated on me to “get back at me” for having a past.
After that, it’s been downhill. He always wanted to know every detail about everything. I’m talking sex positions, the amount of times me and my ex had sex, the amount of seconds anything lasted. Literally things that even I can’t remember! It got to the point where my boyfriend texted these two guys and questioned them. If the answers didn’t match up, he’d blame me. He has called me worthless and a slut and a whore too many times to count because of my “past”. A month ago he cheated on me again because I “deserved it”. I do admit to making some white lies up because I was scared of his reaction.
I just didn’t know this is how relationships worked. In my first relationship, I lost my virginity to the guy, and he had already lost his. But I didn’t question him and I didn’t text his past partners to try and get out information from them. I respected my ex’s past, even though he didn’t treat me well (he forced me to do sexual things with him) which my current boyfriend knows about. Yet that doesn’t stop him from calling me names. My boyfriend has an ex who he’s only kissed. He had experience but not much sexually so I feel like he’s just extremely insecure even though he has no reason to be. I realized the other day I did more with that guy I hooked up with then I thought so I told my boyfriend right away because he always make me feel guilty about keeping secrets. I just don’t see why all the details matter anyways. Is this normal?? The only thing we fight about is my past but that’s not fair to me. Is it?
No, this isn’t normal or fair or loving or okay. At 18, you hardly have a “past”. You’ve had some experiences while you figured out what you want and need in a relationship. And, BTW, you didn’t “lose” your virginity in consensual sex. No one does. You made a decision to have sex based on your thoughts and feelings at the time. That is nothing to be ashamed of. And the details are none of your boyfriend’s business.
I have to disagree with your opening paragraph. You and this guy don’t agree on everything and you can’t be completely yourself. You feel you have to apologize for your own history and he controls you with accusations, cheating, and guilt trips. My take on it is that he is too insecure to make a decent relationship with you — or anyone for that matter. Tell him to take the time he needs to grow up. Make yourself available for someone who gets it that what matters in a relationship is who you are now, not what you’ve been through and choices you made (even the poor ones) when you were a young teen.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
