From England: Hi there. So these past couple months my Significant other seems to get angrier and angrier at things that are so simple. I will say something, that with any other person, could be annoying but easily fixable and not worth a fight. The moment I say it to him, he loses it. Starts to yell at me, tells me to shut up, gets in my face, and tell me he doesn’t give a crap about me.
I have depression, and I am trying to deal with it. But when he says these things, it makes me cry. Crying while he is angry only seems to make it worse. He then says “stop crying, you sound so annoying”. Or other things along those lines. Sometimes he even just say “Keep crying. Not like I care”. Eventually after a while, I try to calm down and I usually just tell him I am sorry for upsetting him, and ask him to also calm down because he is saying things I know he doesn’t mean. Usually he does calm down. Then he apologizes for everything and says he doesn’t mean it. But lately after he calms down he apologizes and then says “I wouldn’t have even gotten mad if you hadn’t done what you did”.
Sometimes I admit, what I do is stupid, and sometimes I start the fights. But how angry he gets is what hurts. He says the meanest things, he screams and screams, and if I try to go near him he pushes me away and tells me not to touch him. I do not know what to do anymore. I love him so much. I have talked to him about the issue when he is calm and he says that he knows he has a problem. But he refuses to go get help on his own.
He tells me he loves me and wants to get better. But then he also tells me I have to too. It’s like he won’t even try to change until I do. I am trying, this depression thing is hard, and it makes me act stupid sometimes. But with his anger, what do I do? I am starting to hate myself and it is breaking me down. I do not want to lose him, but I don’t want to lose myself either. Please help.
What your boyfriend is doing is emotional and verbal abuse. It is not normal. It is not acceptable. It is not loving. You do not have to put up with it.
However much you love this guy, he is not for you. He is not behaving in a loving way. He blames you for his issues. He refuses to work on his own problems and plays mind games with you, suggesting that you have to change before he’ll even try. That’s nonsense. Yes, you have issues too, but that doesn’t give him an excuse for avoiding his problems with anger management.
Please stop taking this all on yourself. You are not responsible for his anger. You are not responsible for setting him off or for healing him. Only he can do that.
You are only 20. Get out of this relationship. Take the time to heal. Then make yourself available for someone who will love you and cherish you and treat you as you deserve.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
