So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We recently bought a house! He’s an amazing guy, perfect in fact, until he gets mad! Well when he gets stressed or something doesn’t go his way or something goes wrong, he screams so loud and cusses at me even though I didn’t do anything! He acts like a crazy person! It scares me! It can be so little as in the dog is barking at the door or I ask him a simple questions and he doesn’t agree with it! Then he looks at me like I’m dumb and I should be freaking out with him! He always says I don’t have a care in the world, but I’m the type of person that doesn’t get stressed or angry easily. If I can’t do anything about it, why get mad? I believe life’s too short too be stressed and angry all the time. I try to find good in any situation, if that makes sense!
I’ve asked him probably a million times too please try to fix this problem. He always apologizes every time after he gets done because he knows it hurts me! One thing that really ticks him off is when he yells and I don’t say nothing, I just sit there and keep quiet, I get scared, if I say anything he’ll just start right back up and yelling again! I would rather just kill him with kindness than say anything I’ll regret like he always does! I tell him that it’s not true love the way he talks to me. I deserve better than that! I’ve asked him to show me respect like I show him! He’s done it so many times it’s made me unhappy at times and not even affectionate towards him.
Do you think it’s wrong of him to speak to me the way he does? Should I go or should I stay? That’s the only problem we have! I really want to fix it! I know not everyone is perfect and everyone has their flaws but he doesn’t try to fix it! Plz help! Thank you! (age 20, from US)
You are correct to think that it’s not okay that he yells at you the way he does. Not only is it disrespectful, but it sounds like it is bordering on verbal abuse. He might find it genuinely frustrating if he is expressing concerns about something and you don’t respond. This pattern can tend to escalate the other person, but it’s not an excuse for yelling and cursing. You have a right to feel safe in your own home.
If he is unwilling to address the problem on his own, he might be willing to attend couple’s therapy with you. However, if he isn’t even willing to do that, then it’s time for you to leave. Sometimes a separation can shock the other person into corrective action, but again, if he is unwilling to change and just puts all the blame on you, you are better off just breaking it off now. Break ups are hard but not as hard as being in an unhappy long term relationship.
All the best
Dr. Holly Counts
