From Lebanon: I am dealing with a big problem! Im a 21 year old girl, I love my family so much and they are everything to me. Four years ago I met a boy and we are dating since then, he is my entire life and he is amazing to me. My family hate him but they didn’t met him at all, they hate his parents so they don’t agree on this relationship and they talk about him in a very bad way and that hurts me so much. I tried to talk to them but they think that I’m in love with him so I don’t think correctly, I’m seeing him behind their back and I lie on them every day and when they find out they become so mad, my sister met him and she likes him and they became friends, but she is afraid to tell my parents. In addition, he is a short guy so they make fun of this every time.
Now, my parents are so upset and won’t talk to me and, they want me to leave him but I really can’t. I adore him and I think of him as my future husband. What to do?
I’m concerned that I may not be sensitive enough to the issues in your culture to give you good advice. In America, I’d be telling someone your age that, as an adult, she has the right to make an adult choice about who she wants to marry. The consequences might be that her parents wouldn’t accept the husband or the marriage. I’d ask her to think hard about whether that is a chance she wants to take. She might decide that true love is worth losing her family. But maybe not. Either way — it is her choice to make.
But you are in Lebanon. I honestly don’t know what the consequences for you would be if you chose the man over your parents. I do know this: Ideally parents shouldn’t put their children in the position of having to choose. If they raised you well, they should know that they gave you good values and that you aren’t going to stop loving them if you choose a man you love. Being short hardly makes someone an unwise choice. Instead, your parents should be looking at his values and whether he is going to love you and cherish you and treat you well and be a good husband and father.
It might be helpful if you and your sister tried again together to talk with your parents. Perhaps if you both spoke about all his good qualities, your parents would be more inclined to listen. Even better: Is there an older relative your parents respect who would be willing to meet the man and intervene with your parents? They may be more willing to listen to someone they consider to be their peer.
I hope you are able to work this through. The fact that you wrote to us tells me that you sincerely want to keep your parents in your life. It would be sad indeed if they are willing to lose a daughter rather than give this young man a chance.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
