From the U.S.: I love my husband of 6 years but I am having difficulty trusting him. 6 years ago he went to a funeral of the sister of an ex-girlfriend and made out with the girlfriend at the funeral. I did not go. We discussed it. I was very hurt especially since he asked me not to come, and I trusted him enough to be okay with him going alone. It took me a long time to trust him again.
Now I believe he has a crush on a student teacher at his high school. He is not her mentor teacher, but he has struck up a friendship with her. She is 22 and he is 63. I do not like his behavior around her. For example, he has tried to help her get access to the district network even though they have a strict policy that no student teacher will have their own log in. He has bypassed the rules by giving her a key to the school after she complained to him that she was told no by the principal and her mentor teacher. She only teaches one class a week and it is a safety issue as well. So he could lose his job if someone found out. He says he does not agree with the rule so I said if that is the case then why did you not go through proper channels to get her a key? Why didn’t you speak to her mentor teacher who has been your friend for 26 years? You have known this girl for one month yet you are willing to risk your job for this?
We have been fighting about this for days. He talks about her all the time. She is always whining about some perceived bad treatment, and he is always defending her. She is using him. I think she has his number and can see he is an easy mark. He is our primary bread winner. I am worried. Also if he is willing to break rules at work like this is he more vulnerable to cheating? What should I do?
You’re right. Your husband is playing with fire. It’s late for a “mid-life” crisis but such crises of identity are not limited to middle age. Your husband may be feeling old. The attention and admiration of a young woman is intoxicating stuff. She admires him. He bends and breaks rules to show her that she is special and that he can be her hero. She has nothing to lose. But he has everything to lose.
You can’t reason someone out of this kind of thinking. He is a man obsessed. I suggest you try a different tactic. Instead of fighting with him about the facts, try to have a conversation about the real issues. Sympathize with him about how hard it is to feel old. Since he is almost 10 years older than you are, my guess is that he is feeling less attractive and more aware of the passage of time. Let him know that you do find him attractive and that you love him. Ask if there is anything you can do to help him feel better. Tell him how sad it makes you that he is in such a panic about getting old that he is risking everything for a young woman’s approval.
Whenever he starts talking about his obsession with the young teacher, gently remind him that his relationship with her can’t last but that you are ready to be there. Then leave the room. Hopefully he will come to his senses before he finds himself facing disciplinary action at his job.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
