I’m an American and I recently got married to an Irish man, he’s almost 26. I recently found out that a week after our wedding I found out he’d been looking at sexy fb pics of a 16 yr. old girl that was at our wedding (the daughter of a close friend of his families) as well as pics of other local 14, 15 year old girls. Upon looking at his fb search history I found at that before meeting me he’d frequented this girl’s page. His last gf was 17 and I found correspondence between them where he stated that he found sleeping with underage girls exciting.
I don’t know what to do. Aside from the disrespect, can these attractions be changed? I am unwilling to live with a man who sexualizes young girls. He is willing to get therapy. He goes back and forth between apologizing and calling his actions disgusting and making justifications/excuses for it. His excuses include, “there’s nothing wrong with me appreciating the beauty of teenage girls,” “they were just pictures,” “at least they were wearing clothes,” “I was just clicking on pics of pretty girls.”
Several things about this greatly disturb me, it isn’t so much the fact that he’s able to find teen girls attractive, but that he seeks them out online knowing full well how old they are. And more than anything else not only is he looking at young girls in our neighborhood, for years he’s been looking at the same girl who he’s had regular contact with. If I could please get some advice on what to do here? This whole thing just makes me sick, and I want no association with it.
What a sad and disturbing thing to discover after your wedding. I’m so, so sorry. You must be angry and confused and terribly disappointed. From your description of the situation, I do think you are right to be concerned.
You are absolutely correct that it is very wrong for your husband to be attracted to underage girls and to be seeking them out. He knows it too. First, he hid his interest from you and now he justifies it. I don’t know anything about Irish law, but even if it isn’t illegal to look at pictures of the young teens, I imagine that their parents would be upset and furious if they knew. The kids may not have good judgment about what they are putting on FB but he is a 26 year old man. Mature men help keep a community safe. They don’t contribute to the sexualization of children and teens by adults.
The most hopeful sign is his willingness to go to therapy. I also think it will be important for you to be included in some of his sessions. You will need reassurance that he is able to make a fundamental change in his sexual interest for you to trust him and for the two of you to ever have a satisfying intimate relationship and a successful marriage.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
