From the U.S.: My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we have a house together. We both work and are engineers. Unfortunately, due to economy, he lost his job and because of this he was involved in a gray area business. Now, he is about to be charged with a felony. His lawyer proposed that he should get a job as soon as possible before he gets charged. However, he can’t find a job where we currently live. Instead, he was able to find a job in his hometown in another state. Conveniently, the job is so close to his parents’ house. This is where I have a problem.
I do not like his parents, especially his mother for multiple reasons. His mother has been always supportive of him no matter if he is doing the right or wrong thing. When I feel that my husband is doing something wrong, I would try to stop him. She, on the other hand, will always have an excuse to support him to do whatever he wants. This puts me in a very bad spot. When we were moving away from the state where she lives, she was very upset. She has been trying to convince us to move somewhere else that she thinks she might move to in the future. She is very assertive in getting what she wants and most of the time she will get what she wants. I feel like I am in a constant competition with her. When I express my concern to my husband, he thinks I am wrong, his mother is a saint, and he felt that his mother does not always get what she wants.
I am concerned with him living with his parents will ruin our relationship. There are 2 choices that I have in mind to make this work.
1. He lives in apartment, we will alternate visits maybe twice or once a month.
2. He lives with his parents and can save money and he agrees to keep the holiday for me and fly home every weekend -no matter if his parents have emergency or plan for him on the weekend.Can you advise which will be the better option for us? Do you have any other options so that our relationship can work? Thanks.
Your husband did not get into a “gray area” because he lost his job. He did something illegal because he was unable to hold onto his ethics and was willing to take the risk. Since he persists in seeing his mother as a “saint,” it isn’t healthy for him to live with her as she will support him in denying responsibility. Not questioning his mother’s view of him as perfect is partly what got him into this fix. It may be a relief to him to have more contact with his mother with whom he doesn’t have to deal with the blame and shame that go with his actions, but it won’t be helpful to his personal growth.
The problem you both face now is not where he lives, but whether he is willing to grow up and man up. That means accepting responsibility for his actions. That means making it clear to his mother that (a) he did make a serious mistake and (b) that she must be respectful of the woman he married. If he can’t be an upstanding citizen and a loyal husband when in the orbit of his mother, then he should put some distance between them by looking for other jobs. But that only takes care of the immediate problem. The more pressing issue is whether you are married to a guy who is worthy of your respect.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
