Hi I am 26 year old female I ever had any issues of any kind with any mental illnesses before July. Well In that month I was dealing with family issues and pressure be it that my family whom I do not live with anymore constantly look up to me as an support system although I have moved out with my boyfriend and my then 14 month old son. I recall one night while I was trying to sleep I had this intrusive thought,”What if God stops my heart?”. This thought scared me so much and I jumped out of bed and just stayed awake until my boyfriend finally came home from work and we watched ‘Season Of the Witch’, ironically the whole time my heart was racing. The next day I kept having that thought and I tried to shake the thought and then It was replaced by the thought of “What if I hurt my son” and then “What if I threw him into a fan”. I was in complete shock and became hysterical and saddened that I would think something like that knowing I would never do anything like that. I searched the internet and came across intrusive thoughts and then it lead to Ocd. I felt better after realizing that maybe this is what it was. I then felt depressed and felt guilty around my son for even thinking those thoughts I felt strange being alone with him and also being around anything sharp or anything that will cause danger. Eventually I begin having thoughts about self harm and I went into another frenzy. The thoughts eventually stopped and I went to the Doctor and she diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder with depressed mood and prescribed Zoloft in which I didn’t take due to my boyfriend saying that it will not help me but have me in this dazed out state of mind. So I stayed online searching online continuously and went on yahoo answers asking,” is feeling out of it a sign of depression”?. I always felt out of it and in a daze and in my online searches my eyes fell on derealization and I became frantic. I thought “does that mean that I don’t believe anythings real?”. I was a nervous wreck. When in fact I probably was experiencing derealization which is a physical symptom that I was experiencing. But I took it out of context and stayed looking online until I came across a man on yahoo answers saying he felt as though this was all an ‘illusion of the mind’. I blew that off as crazy and then a few days later I thought to myself. “What if I started thinking like that?”. I started to panic and then started thinking about that in depth and then looked up solipsism which totally blew my mind completely away. I kept debating it everyday and thinking in my head over and over there is no way one could imagine things and not remember them. It consumed me and I thought about it 24/7 until I started becoming delusional with my thinking and searching online and reading posts and forums of people that had said things like they felt like this was the Truman Show and I of course blew that all off as crazy but the more I kept searching sites for answers and other people’s prospective on it it seems like I only dug myself deeper into the whole and I think I latched onto all those crazy things that I was reading. I was very emotional and in a very sensitized state and I feel like I have messed up my mental state and have possible become schizophrenic or maybe developed psychosis. When I think back now I wonder why the hell did I let something I read online get to me so much that I became absorbed into it? But the thoughts that I had when I was so deeply absorbed into the solipsism idea were “what if that is true”,” “what if when I’m not around nothing exists”. I know that it is illogical and irrational as far as that concept of solipsism but somehow it has shook me the core because I guess I have this secret fear of being alone. I really feel as though after experiencing that obsessive thought about my son sent me into this nervous state and from there my life has spiraled out of control. I would have problems sleeping and having intrusive thoughts about how I think I developed schizophrenia now. My mind has become so weak due to this and I have problems with remembering things and I kept looking at schizophrenia symptoms and always comparing them to myself. I feel like I am literally going crazy and drove myself there. I feel detachment as well now due to all of this stress. I know everything is real but i feel like due to me even pondering the idea made me have this detachment from everyone around me and on top of that I am depressed. I am also very vulnerable to what I read or see and will imply it to me and I feel like I have to rebuild my mental state again. Does this sound like the onset of schizophrenia? or psychosis or what? I have always been an panicky person and I feel like I am highly suggestible and if I did develop schizophrenia I feel like I brought it on myself by being a nervous wreck.
Though it is not possible to provide a diagnosis online, I can say with relative certainty that your symptoms do not seem characteristic of schizophrenia or the development of psychosis. Your symptoms may be more characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The best way to determine if your symptoms warrant a psychological diagnosis is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. I understand that you were recently evaluated by a mental health professional but given your new concerns, it would be advantageous to be re-evaluated.
It might also be a good idea to temporarily stop reading nonscientific Internet materials. There is a great deal of fallacious information on the Internet. It seems as though you may have difficulty determining what is reputable information and what is not. Discuss this with your mental health professional. He or she can help you to determine what information is scientifically valid.
In the meantime, try to keep yourself as grounded in reality as possible. If you struggle with this, a mental health professional can assist you. Try not to panic. The problems that you are facing can be treated. If you are willing to follow the recommendations of your treatment professionals, there is a excellent chance of recovery. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a mental health professional in your community. I wish you the best luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle