For the last 2 years, I’ve been having trouble dealing with my own issues and sadness. I haven’t been going to school more then 2 days a week and I feel like I’m losing everything. I usually spend everyday trying to think of a way to find drugs and alcohol to make me feel happier, but even when I am high I’m very irritable and angry at everyone. I let my anger out by punching walls, and I even try to fight my own friends. I feel like I can’t make anybody happy, including myself. All my friends and family want to give up on me, and I want to tell my mom how I’m feeling but I don’t want to cause any more problems for her. I’ve already hurt her so bad by doing drugs and trying to commit suicide. I have no idea what I should do about my problems, I don’t even feel like I can write them all on this because there are so many thoughts in my head and I can’t put them all together. I have bad dreams almost every night, and I wake up frequently during the night. I sometimes get hot flashes and feel like I’m hyperventilating. The reason I think I feel like this is because I have been raped and molested 3 times since I was 13. Also, I’ve experienced a lot of traumatizing things in the last year, such as people getting beat up almost to death, party fights, and I’m always so scared to get raped again. All I can think to do is try to learn how to become stronger so I can protect myself from things like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I could really use help.
You’re not in a very good situation. You’re depressed, only attending school two days a week and using drugs and alcohol to make yourself feel better. Even when you’re high on drugs and alcohol you’re still feeling irritable and angry. This leads you to start fights with family and friends. This further alienates those who are attempting to help you. At this point you may be your own worst enemy.
You’ve experienced several traumatizing incidents in which you were almost beaten to death, raped and molested. These horrific incidents are likely, and understandably, the source of your sadness and anger.
You can’t go on like this. Something needs to change. You want to tell your mother how you’re feeling but you don’t want to “cause any more problems for her.” You say you’ve already hurt her by doing drugs and attempting suicide. Maybe your actions upset her. It has to be upsetting to learn that your child attempted to end their life. But by not telling your mother you’re prolonging your suffering and by extension hers as well.
Now is the time to tell her the truth. You need to do this because she may be able to help you find an appropriate treatment. Is your mother aware of the multiple traumas you’ve endured? If not you might want to consider telling her. If you are not comfortable with this then it’s imperative that you still find a way to make it clear that you want help. You’ve suffered long enough. So have your family and friends. The outcome of this situation will be infinitely worse if you decide not to tell your mother, continue using drugs and alcohol and fighting with friends and family, or attempt suicide again.
Maybe you’re afraid to ask for help. I can understand this. Asking for help is not easy. What’s even worse, however, is the idea of having to live a degraded life when there is help available. You’ve experienced at least three traumas and have yet to begin healing from these incidents. Studies show that discussing the trauma is a vital part of the healing process. You have yet to begin this process and it’s time that you do.
