I am so confused. I do not know what to do. About a couple months back my husband lied to me about being at home. I work nights from 7p-7a and I usually call him at night around 8-9pm to say hi and check on the kids. That night I found out he dropped off the kids at my mom’s house around 8:30p which is usual if he has to go in to work early the next day and he told the kids that he was tired and was going to bed. Well, I called him at home around 9pm and he was not answering the phone or his cell phone. I called for about 1 hour and finally around 10pm I got a hold of him. He told me that he was “taking a bath” and that he was at home all that time. I found out for a fact that he was not taking a bath. We got into a huge fight the next day because he was still insisting that he was home that whole time and he was just taking a bath.
Well after a huge fight and he threatened to leave because I was accusing him of lying which he was, he finally told me that he just went out to a local bar for a quick drink and came home and that was when I finally got a hold of him that night at 10pm. He told me that I make him have to lie because I would make a big deal of him going to a bar to unwind and to have time to himself. He feels that I have to know every second where he is at and he feels that he doesn’t have any personal space but if he tells me the truth, I would blow up and cause a big fight which he was trying to avoid.
He was probably right. I probably would have gotten upset if he told me he was at a bar having a few drinks. But, I don’t know. Why lie about it? What if he wasn’t at a bar. It is things like this that make me not trust him because he is not upfront with me. He tells me all the time that he is good to me and that he is not doing anything wrong and that he would never cheat. He swore to me on the kids that I am the only woman he has ever been with since he met me. He tells me all the time that he would never do anything behind my back because he respects me too much and he cares about the children too much. What do I do? How do I get to trust him again. Should I believe him? I am just so lost and it is ruining my confidence in the relationship.
From what you say, the problem lies at least as much with your insecurities as his “lie.” Your insecurities and controlling behavior make him go underground. When he does something you don’t know about, it makes you more insecure and more controlling. He loves you and doesn’t want to deal with your anger, so he withdraws further into himself — which probably makes you even more insecure.
This is a terrible, terrible vicious cycle. As much as you might want to make the situation all his fault, it isn’t. You are both contributing. The question that needs to be addressed is how to make a more secure, respectful, and trusting marriage so that you can both relax into the loving relationship you want. I strongly suggest that you see an experienced couples therapist to help you reach that goal.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
