I don’t know where to begin. It seems stupid just to come here and write about what’s wrong with me. Or what I think is wrong with me. All my problems seem made up by myself. I ocassionally feel depressed, but I don’t deserve to be depressed. I have everything in my life to be happy: family, some friends, upper middle class upbringing, material things. I feel guilty and ungrateful.
My anxiety doesn’t let me alone. I keep thinking of ridiculous problems just to have something interesting happening in my life, as I’m bored all the time. The knot in my throat doesn’t go away unless I bite my knuckles until I tear my skin. The thoughts in my head sometimes don’t go away unless I hit them hard enough to leave my head physically hurting, slightly inflamated. I like alcohol. Maybe a little too much. But I don’t drink often. Just a couple time a month, when my friends decide going drinking. You could say I’m a social drinker. I could buy it and drink on my own, but I know myself enough to know how obsessive I can be. I can easily become an alcoholic and this scares me. It scares me that one day I will decide to attempt to drown my nonexistent issues and won’t be able to stop from that day on.I destroy every good thing that happens in my life. A good relationship, an incredible scholarship opportunity… unconsciously I find a way to sabotage myself. I feel unworthy: people often say how amazing I am but I just can’t believe them because I know it isn’t true. Sometimes it feels as if they say those things out of pity. If something good is about to happen to me, I just can’t believe it until I’m actually living it. As if I can’t let myself have hope for fear of being hurt.I feel annoying and like a disturbance. This one used to be a bigger issue for me, but I’m working on it. Still, I can’t stop thinking that something is wrong with me. I see all kinds of people in relationships. People that are uglier, fatter, weirder, that seem less intelligent, successful. Everyone finds someone else, but me. Something must be seriously wrong with me to repel people like I do. Thus why I feel the way I just wrote about.
You have expressed three main cognitive errors that may be contributing to your distress. I will describe them below.
The first cognitive error is that you should not be depressed because you have material wealth. The implication is that wealth should make you happy. Of course you should appreciate your good fortune and your blessings but wealth does not equal happiness. Study after study shows that to be true.
There is no roadmap in life; for any of us. Many people feel lost. Each of us, rich or poor, has to find our own path. It’s easy to get off track and to become depressed, especially when lacking guidance and a strong mentor. Counseling could provide you with the necessary guidance and mentorship.
Depression is often the result of a lack of purpose in one’s life. In order to be happy we have to find meaning in life. That’s an overly simplistic view of depression but without that key element, many people, no matter their socioeconomic status, feel empty, sad and alone. The good news is that depression is a highly treatable condition.
The second cognitive error expressed in your question, is that everyone is in a relationship except for you. I believe that what you meant is that everyone else is happy except for you. That is a fallacy. People who are depressed often think that everyone is better off than they are. They are intimately familiar with their own pain and suffering but they do not perceive the pain and suffering of others. That’s largely because people don’t generally express their negative emotions in public or even to close friends. They think it will make them seem less likeable, less cool, and more needy. They suffer alone, in isolation, where there are no witnesses. Even though you can’t feel it or see it, many people are suffering. Life is challenging for most everyone.
The third cognitive error is that you should be able to solve your own problems. You didn’t say that directly but you implied it when you wrote that you have tried to help yourself and it has not worked. The disappointment has led you to feel like you have failed. That is common thinking about mental health.
People don’t believe that they should be able to treat their own physical health problems yet it’s common for them to think that they should be able to treat their own mental health problems. Mental health professionals undergo years of rigorous training to learn how to treat mental health problems. These are learned skills. You shouldn’t expect to be able to solve your own problems. No one should.
When you know that something is wrong, you should ask for help. You could greatly benefit from counseling. Counseling is an effective treatment for depression and many other emotional problems. Medication might also be helpful. I urge you to ask your parents to assist you in seeking treatment. That would be the right thing to do. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
