Sometimes, normally when I’m with a small amount of people (1-5) my hands will start to sweat and tingle a little on the inside. They feel itchy but I can’t scratch the itch away. I will get a similar feeling in my abdomen. I start to feel that the only way to get the feeling to stop is to hurt someone but I know it’s wrong so I try to hold back. Sometimes it’s hard though. A lot of times I end up hugging someone and squeezing them really tight until I have to force myself to stop. Sometimes in order to prevent myself from doing this I have to dig my nails into my palm. Other ways I try to stop this urge is by biting my lower lip and ripping up paper. Sometimes I get the urge to hurt others even when I’m by myself. A lot of times this results in gruesome murder stories.
I’m not sure if this will help or not but… I have ADD and Dyslexia. I see floaters all the time and have problems with hearing ringing in my ears. I have a Swiss Army Knife and for some reason take it to school with me. It never leaves my side. I also carry a box of matches with me everywhere. I love weapons especially Hatchets, small knifes, Riffles, and Chainsaws. I love reading and writing scary stories. I hope that helps.
To be entirely honest I don’t know if this is just my personality or if there is some disorder out there that matches up with those symptoms. I would really like to know if something truly is wrong with me and if there’s something I can do to fix it. I don’t want to end up killing someone and going to prison forever.
There is no disorder that I am aware of in which the main symptom is having the urge to hurt others.
When you’re around people, you experience a particular set of symptoms. You sweat and “tingle a little on the inside.” You feel it in your abdomen. You may be describing social anxiety.
Perhaps your social anxiety makes you feel out of control, fearful or frustrated. In an attempt to suppress those unpleasant emotions, an urge to hurt people arises.
Being in the presence of others is not the only time you feel the urge to hurt people. It also happens when you’re alone. You indulge those feelings by contemplating gruesome murder stories. In addition, you carry a bladed weapon. That all increases the possibility that you might harm someone.
It’s important that you do what is necessary to control your urges. In my opinion, what is necessary is therapy. Therapy can help you to understand the origin of your urges and more importantly, develop effective coping strategies for your strong emotions. Therapy might also help you to manage your ADD and dyslexia.
By your own admission, you are worried that you might kill someone. That recognition should prompt you to seek help; it is the most responsible course of action.
Killing would also destroy your life. You could be sentenced to the death penalty and face execution. Prison is hell on earth. Seeking help could prevent a great deal of suffering for both you and for others, and it would ensure a better quality of life. I hope that you make the right choice and seek help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristian Randle
