Tag:

Abortion

Do I Need To Seek Help?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 24, 2024

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Anxiety, racing thoughts, past trauma, etc. Hello and thank you for taking time to read (and hopefully answer) a few of my questions.
Around last October a number of troubling things happened to me: I got pregnant, broken up with, had an abortion, had my apartment broken into and everything of value stolen and had the transmission out of my car stolen. All of this happened within a span of five months.

Ever since all of this happened, I have been trying to cope as well as possible. I have noticed a few things about myself that worry me.

I used to read a lot, many books every month. Now, I struggle to focus on reading one book in a month and constantly put it down. My mind wanders and I constantly make plans but they fall through (this leaves me feeling hopeless).

I have nightmares when the lights are turned off so have to sleep with the light on. Even then, I have regular nightmares that I cannot get rid of.
I seek out sexual encounters with people I don’t know or meet on the Internet that be potentially dangerous to me. Later I feel worthless and terrible, but then I continue seeking out more people.

My mind feels like it is on fast forward and there are so many things to think and feel that sometimes I shut down and feel nothing. Every day is a struggle with myself. I am so very confused. I wanted to go to school this August, but had to move back to my parents (after living on my own for three years with a roommate) and now feel stuck.

Please, tell me what I can do. The problem is, I had issues before all of the troubling events happened and wonder if perhaps I have some underlying psychological condition. I was previously diagnosed with a mixture of depression/anxiety but this was not by a regular therapist (I only talked to him about two times).
I’m sorry for the long post and there is much I’ve left out but the main issues have been addressed.

In short, do I need to seek help? This is beginning to have a large impact on my life. I’m hoping to start school soon and do more with my life but with no help from family (and many friends in another state) I’m feeling unsure.

To answer your specific question of whether or not you should seek help, the answer is yes. As you noted in your letter, your symptoms are beginning to overwhelm your life. When you notice a problem developing you should not wait to seek help. It’s always best to seek treatment sooner rather than later.

You wonder whether you have an underlying psychological condition. It is a possibility but it is difficult to determine. Your symptoms are relatively understandable given the fact that you have recently experienced multiple difficult and traumatic experiences. Many individuals would have difficulty coping with the events you have experienced.

These traumatic events may have triggered or increased the intensity of your (possible) depression and anxiety. This would explain why you are having nightmares and why it is increasingly difficult for you to concentrate, but it does not explain your casual sexual behavior. This behavior may be your way of dealing with anxiety. One thing seems certain: it is a self-sabotaging type of behavior. You feel guilty after the sex act but it’s as though you cannot stop yourself from doing it. If this is true, it signifies a certain level of impulsivity and inability to control your behavior on those occasions. It might also be a sign of mania which is a symptom of bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder in which an individual sometimes feels very depressed and other times very happy and euphoric. Please keep in mind that these aforementioned ideas about a possible diagnosis are based on very limited information. It’s best to have a psychiatric evaluation before making a diagnosis.

As I said above, I believe you do need professional help. This is especially true for two reasons. One is because you have limited support from friends and family. The second is because the symptoms are increasingly becoming worse and negatively affecting your life. If you’d like to search for a therapist in your community, please click on the find help tab at the top of this page.

If you have additional questions, please do not hesitate to write again. I hope you’re able to find the help that you need. I wish you well. Please take care.

November 24, 2024 0 comments

Abortion Changed Our Lives… What Now?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. October 29, 2023

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Back in April my live-in girlfriend of over 2 years and I went through with an abortion. Consequently, we drifted apart until the beginning of September, when she said she couldn’t do it anymore. The whole summer we were pretty much doing our own thing, trying haphazardly to cope with what happened. I sank into a deep depression without even realizing it. I would numb my senses with alcohol and gambling on the daily. I didn’t tell a soul about anything. I didn’t care about anything – not even myself. I hated myself for a very long time. I sank deeper and deeper until she told me she was done sinking with me, that I’d never change. That was my breaking point. I opened up to a couple of people about what happened. I stopped the drinking and gambling and began to realize the gravity of the situation I had put myself in. I worked on myself for my own sake because I realized I had lost everything.

Her and I have had some contact since then. At first, I begged and pleaded with her to take me back to no avail. After that, we didn’t speak for a week or so until she contacted me and we started hanging out as friends. It seemed she was beginning to come around until she abruptly blocked my number. After a week, she calls me to talk which brings us to now. I still love the girl to death and she still loves me. The problem is that she doesn’t trust me. I let her down. I couldn’t be strong during that time. I had nearly 5 months to get my act together but when I finally decided to do so was when she finally decided I would never do so.

She’s still coping with what happened and she’s definitely not herself. She hasn’t broken the pattern of drugs and alcohol that she also fell into after what happened. I still see her mother regularly and she wants us back together too but she’s even being standoffish with her. Her mother told me she’s thinking about sending her to stay with out-of-state relatives for a while to get away from her current environment. At this point, I’m very worried about the girl. She’s not working or going to school. She needs to wake up and get her head right. (age 21, from US)

I’m sorry that you are both going through this very difficult situation. The pain is real and the only way to heal and move on is to take responsibility, feel the pain and allow yourself to grieve. It sounds like you have started this process and are getting yourself back on track. That’s great, and I hope that you continue. As you have discovered, numbing your pain with alcohol and other addictive activities does nothing to help you heal, it only prolongs (and usually worsens) the problem.

I mean no offense, but the pain your girlfriend is feeling may be even more severe and complicated than your own because it was her body that went through the trauma. When you speak to her, always come from a place of compassion and concern. I would suggest that you both see a grief counselor regarding what happened. f your girlfriend is hesitant or doesn’t seem interested, it may be helpful for you to take the lead then ask her to join you. However, you must also respect her decision if she doesn’t seek help.

Things will get better with time, but there may always be a scar. Let this experience be something to learn and grow from. Give yourselves time and keep reaching out for help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

October 29, 2023 0 comments

Jealous of Boyfriend’s Ex, Child

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 15, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, I truely do love him and he loves me. The only problem that we have is that he has a 4 year old daughter. I knew that he had a daughter when we first got together but I assumed that it would not bother me. He dated his ex for a very brief period of time (4 months) and she got pregnant and left him. She attempted to say the little girl was not his, he fought for his rights, and got visitation and pays child support. He is an awesome dad!

Then I came into the picture and started pressuring him because I am insecure about his ex, he started spending less time with his daughter and not seeing her and avoiding her mother at all costs. I realized how unfair this is and attempted to break up with him (several times) so he can be the father his daughter deserves, but he will not let me go. He tells me I’m the only positive thing in his life, and that he will do anything to make it work.

So, how do I deal with his daughter and ex? I feel like I will always come after them and that he will always be attached to his ex. Even though he reassures me he won’t. I feel like he will never be able to love our future children as much. I even had an abortion because I was so insecure about about our situation (and did not want be attached, and was scared that if I can pull him away from his daughter then maybe some other girl will be able to pull him away from my kid), and now feel guilty. I resent his little girl. She is super sweet and smart and she loves me very much, but it is so hard to deal with everything. I am always jealous and resentful, and make him feel guilty and torn. Any advice?

Before you can be a loving partner to this man, you need to do some serious growing up. It’s understandable that at only 20, you are insecure and immature. But that doesn’t make your attitude and behavior okay.

The reality is that the very qualities that make this man worth loving are the qualities you hate. Unlike many guys, he didn’t walk away from his responsibilities. He loves his little girl. He’s been there enough that she loves him. He’s an awesome dad and he wants you in his life. This is a man most women would give anything to be with.

But you’re so competitive with his past that you want him to erase it. Instead, you need to be embracing his daughter and developing a civil relationship with her mother. If you in fact stay with your guy, you will be coparenting his daughter. You, your boyfriend, and his ex will need to make joint parenting decisions that are in her best interests. In many ways, she is the first child in your family. Should you go on to have a child of your own, he or she will be special in his or her own way — as your first birth child. The man you’re with won’t love that child less, just differently — just as all of us love each child in our family a little differently.

If you can’t sincerely and wholeheartedly wrap your head and heart around loving your boyfriend partly because he loves his little girl so much, let him go so he can find a woman who won’t make him choose.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 15, 2022 0 comments