Abortion Archives

Back in April my live-in girlfriend of over 2 years and I went through with an abortion. Consequently, we drifted apart until the beginning of September, when she said she couldn’t do it anymore. The whole summer we were pretty much doing our own thing, trying haphazardly to cope with what happened. I sank into a deep depression without even realizing it. I would numb my senses with alcohol and gambling on the daily. I didn’t tell a soul about anything. I didn’t care about anything – not even myself. I hated myself for a very long time. I sank deeper and deeper until she told me she was done sinking with me, that I’d never change. That was my breaking point. I opened up to a couple of people about what happened. I stopped the drinking and gambling and began to realize the gravity of the situation I had put myself in. I worked on myself for my own sake because I realized I had lost everything.

Her and I have had some contact since then. At first, I begged and pleaded with her to take me back to no avail. After that, we didn’t speak for a week or so until she contacted me and we started hanging out as friends. It seemed she was beginning to come around until she abruptly blocked my number. After a week, she calls me to talk which brings us to now. I still love the girl to death and she still loves me. The problem is that she doesn’t trust me. I let her down. I couldn’t be strong during that time. I had nearly 5 months to get my act together but when I finally decided to do so was when she finally decided I would never do so.

She’s still coping with what happened and she’s definitely not herself. She hasn’t broken the pattern of drugs and alcohol that she also fell into after what happened. I still see her mother regularly and she wants us back together too but she’s even being standoffish with her. Her mother told me she’s thinking about sending her to stay with out-of-state relatives for a while to get away from her current environment. At this point, I’m very worried about the girl. She’s not working or going to school. She needs to wake up and get her head right. (age 21, from US)

I’m sorry that you are both going through this very difficult situation. The pain is real and the only way to heal and move on is to take responsibility, feel the pain and allow yourself to grieve. It sounds like you have started this process and are getting yourself back on track. That’s great, and I hope that you continue. As you have discovered, numbing your pain with alcohol and other addictive activities does nothing to help you heal, it only prolongs (and usually worsens) the problem.

I mean no offense, but the pain your girlfriend is feeling may be even more severe and complicated than your own because it was her body that went through the trauma. When you speak to her, always come from a place of compassion and concern. I would suggest that you both see a grief counselor regarding what happened. f your girlfriend is hesitant or doesn’t seem interested, it may be helpful for you to take the lead then ask her to join you. However, you must also respect her decision if she doesn’t seek help.

Things will get better with time, but there may always be a scar. Let this experience be something to learn and grow from. Give yourselves time and keep reaching out for help.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, I truely do love him and he loves me. The only problem that we have is that he has a 4 year old daughter. I knew that he had a daughter when we first got together but I assumed that it would not bother me. He dated his ex for a very brief period of time (4 months) and she got pregnant and left him. She attempted to say the little girl was not his, he fought for his rights, and got visitation and pays child support. He is an awesome dad!

Then I came into the picture and started pressuring him because I am insecure about his ex, he started spending less time with his daughter and not seeing her and avoiding her mother at all costs. I realized how unfair this is and attempted to break up with him (several times) so he can be the father his daughter deserves, but he will not let me go. He tells me I’m the only positive thing in his life, and that he will do anything to make it work.

So, how do I deal with his daughter and ex? I feel like I will always come after them and that he will always be attached to his ex. Even though he reassures me he won’t. I feel like he will never be able to love our future children as much. I even had an abortion because I was so insecure about about our situation (and did not want be attached, and was scared that if I can pull him away from his daughter then maybe some other girl will be able to pull him away from my kid), and now feel guilty. I resent his little girl. She is super sweet and smart and she loves me very much, but it is so hard to deal with everything. I am always jealous and resentful, and make him feel guilty and torn. Any advice?

Before you can be a loving partner to this man, you need to do some serious growing up. It’s understandable that at only 20, you are insecure and immature. But that doesn’t make your attitude and behavior okay.

The reality is that the very qualities that make this man worth loving are the qualities you hate. Unlike many guys, he didn’t walk away from his responsibilities. He loves his little girl. He’s been there enough that she loves him. He’s an awesome dad and he wants you in his life. This is a man most women would give anything to be with.

But you’re so competitive with his past that you want him to erase it. Instead, you need to be embracing his daughter and developing a civil relationship with her mother. If you in fact stay with your guy, you will be coparenting his daughter. You, your boyfriend, and his ex will need to make joint parenting decisions that are in her best interests. In many ways, she is the first child in your family. Should you go on to have a child of your own, he or she will be special in his or her own way — as your first birth child. The man you’re with won’t love that child less, just differently — just as all of us love each child in our family a little differently.

If you can’t sincerely and wholeheartedly wrap your head and heart around loving your boyfriend partly because he loves his little girl so much, let him go so he can find a woman who won’t make him choose.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Abortion

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Jealous of Boyfriend’s Ex, Child