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Abraham Maslow

How Can I Stop Things From Getting Worse?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 20th, 2024

I don’t know what is wrong with me and probably I will never figure it out until i die. Probably I don’t even have the words to express things on here but I will do my best. Well basically I look at myself and I see that I have virtually no friends, nothing to do at all, almost no career, no relationship, only an apartment with all kinds of random things laying around that I dont even feel like cleaning, a suitcase that I haven’t unpacked since I moved in 4 months ago. How can I express it? The thing that bothers me the most is that I have no girlfriend, and don’t think I can ever find one again. It seems like those positive things like love that it seems virtually everyone experiences will not be for me. I have never really had anyone I loved love me back. I was with one woman for 4 years who was wonderful and loved me alot but she was nine years older than me and I couldn’t love her because I didn’t think that this was meant to be. I felt guilty all the time and during all those years I was trying to figure out how to leave the only person who has loved me. She took care of this eventually when she found someone else.

This is basically the only girl I have ever slept with (well ok, one other, sort of) and I don’t know why this is. People say I am very good looking but there is some sort of wall between me and the rest of the world. Also I don’t have friends, just one guy who I go out drinking with occasionally (not so much though, I dont drink alot) but even though we have known each other for a long time I still don’t see us as close friends. During this year when I haven’t had a single date he has had five or six girlfriends, many who he met when out with me. I have lived in my city for 5 years and hardly know a soul.

There are probably lots of things i dont understand about human interactions, but I do realize sort of why I have no one and nothing. I was just trying to fill out a match.com profile and I realized that there is nothing to say about myself. You are supposed to be positive, but there is nothing positive to say. What do I do all day? I don’t know. I am wasting my life and I feel miserable at every second. I haven’t had a single positive thing in years. I know if I met one person to love who loved me back it would change everything. You might think it isn’t true but I think it is because I was close recently. I met a beautiful girl and she was changing everything. Then after a month she told me that she had a boyfriend/fiance. This was devastating, but after a little while we started talking again (over the internet, she lives in a different city but we had met in person) and it got pretty intense, we were spending all day on there talking, etc. Then I saw her when I had a connection through her city and after that she started to move away from me, back to her boyfriend, who lives in a different country. But during those times everything changed, she was saying she loved me and everything was different.

I don’t know how I was able to relate to her, but it was a one-in-a-million chance. Of course since I cannot relate to people I cannot find reasonable employment. This isnt so bad right now because I survive by winning chess tournaments but it is very lonely life and I read and hear about people’s varied experiences I don’t understand why I could never find any kind of job. Other times I was not doing so well in chess and financially I could not survive. It took me years to establish my life after college, and I even tried to kill myself one time. I don’t know how to express my total emptiness, lets just say that the only pleasurable thing I have had for years is nicotine, and that I have to quit. I feel somewhat normal during chess tournaments but then I collapse back into darkness.

Whenever I try to talk about these things with people, they say something like “well you are intelligent, good looking, you have a lot going for you” that type of thing. Well I dont know if these things are true or not, but it doesnt explain the empirical evidence–having no friends, basically not having a date for a year (and I have tried), and the feeling of complete emptiness in my life. If those above things are true, it only makes things worse for me since then it means I am wasting myself.

What kind of advice can you give me? I don’t know if medication would help me, i used to take some and I think about it alot but I stopped taking it 4 years ago and am not sure I want to start again. Also I am afraid it is going to mess up my ability to play chess, when I stopped taking it before I improved alot. Also I don’t know if taking it burns out the receptors and has just made my problems worse.

The crux of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) involves challenging the thoughts of clients. Are their thoughts realistic? Do they make sense? What evidence is available to support their thoughts and ideas? CBT is primarily based on the idea that your thoughts cause you to feel a certain way and examining those thoughts might help to alter or improve the perception of a person’s situation. I am going to take that approach with you in this response. I will also focus on reality, truth and logic.

Essentially, what you have done is compared yourself to how you think others are living and concluded that since you are not like everyone else there is something profoundly wrong with you.

Even though it’s human nature to compare yourself to others, you should try to avoid it. It’s not realistic. It does not matter what other people are doing with their lives. All that matters is what you are doing and what is best for you. You are unique. There is no one exactly like you. Each person lives a different life with a diverse set of experiences. You have different talents, family members, genes and hereditary traits, etc. than other people do. You have you own life circumstances that are vastly different from others. Because of this, it’s not fair for you to compare yourself to other people. Thus when you compare yourself to other people you are doing yourself a disservice.

With respect to having a girlfriend, you had one but for whatever reason you did not nurture the relationship and she left you. You said that you did not think it was “meant to be.” What exactly does that mean? You said later in your letter that if you could find someone to love you back, “it would change everything.” It seems you had someone who loved you back but it did not change anything.

As for the woman you met who had a fiancé, it did not seem that you knew her for very long. Nor did it seem that you knew her very well. But when you learned that she had a fiancé, you were devastated. I am wondering why you were crushed by this news when you hardly knew her. You may have overreacted.

Ideally, you should strive to be happy with or without a significant other in your life. It’s not healthy that other people can dictate whether or not you’ll be happy. Happiness needs to come from you and by you and should not be dependent upon the will and actions of other people.

With regard to friendships, you said that you only have one friend. You see this as a failure. Psychologist Abraham Maslow noted in his study of self-actualized people that the psychologically healthiest people have very few friends. Why? Because it’s difficult to maintain deep and meaningful relationships with many people simultaneously. It’s time consuming to build long-lasting relationships. If you inspected the relationships among people who have many friends, you’d probably discover that most of those friendships are superficial. Typically, the person who has many friends has “friendships of convenience.” This means that they only interact with those “friends” when their bored and have nothing else to do, rather than because they enjoy and cherish their presence.

With regard to a career, maybe you have not found what you are best suited for. Rather than putting yourself down consider the fact that you may be misperceiving your situation. It is also an extremely difficult time to find a job. The world is in a recession. That may be why you do not have a job. But there could be other reasons as well. Maybe you are not trying hard enough.

Things may not be as bad as you think they are. There are positive aspects of your life that you overlooked such as your health. Don’t underestimate how lucky you are to be physically healthy. You’re also a chess player. It takes incredible patience and talent to play chess. It is a “thinking” game and not many people have the skill to play chess professionally.

You asked what my advice to you would be. I would suggest if you continue to feel depressed that you consider therapy. Depression by definition is the sense of feeling empty. It seems that you have lost the meaning in your life and a good therapist could help with this.

You can also try your own version of self-help by reframing your life situation and basing your thinking on truth and reality. But if you find that you are unsuccessful with self-analysis then professional assistance may be warranted.

You also asked whether or not medication would be helpful. I cannot be sure because that is best determined by a mental health professional who evaluates you in person. But my initial thought is that medication is not necessary. Thanks for writing.

April 20, 2024 0 comment

Incapable of Making Good Decisions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 29th, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am completely falling apart. I am overwhelmed with guilt because many of my problems are self-induced. I feel I am completely incapable of making any correct decisions and I only make things worse.

I choose a college based on their acceptance rate into law school, neglecting the financial cost under the assumption I would become a lawyer and wouldn’t have to worry about the stress of student loans. I made the poor decision to defer law school for a year to work at a non-profit attempting to save the world, which only served to put me in severe debt. My student loans got deferred and then defaulted as a result of my low paying job and negligence. I met someone at 23 who I thought I would spend the rest of my life. Consequently I gave up graduate school, took an even further pay cut to so I could move with him to another city. After being together for 3 years, I found out he was in love with an old flame from college and had decided that I was too much of a burden for him.

This April my little sister took her own life, the night before she was coming to visit me. She had so many things going for her. I can’t even begin to describe the guilt I feel associated with her passing. All of my poor decisions, asking her to come visit me, being self-absorbed in my own problems and not being as great of a sister to her as she was to me.

I work at an insurance company reviewing death claims. I spent 8 hours every day looking at autopsy reports and death certificates. Because we are paying out large amounts of money our work is critically reviewed and scrutinized. I feel like a complete failure in my job. I feel sick walking into work every morning because I am terrified to make a mistake or to face a mistake I made before. I just can’t get anything right.

I’ve made poor relationship decisions. I can’t perform in an entry level job. I am overwhelmed with debt. And I miss my sister. Is there something wrong with me that I am just hardwired to mess everything up? Maybe I’m just self-destructive? Is there a mental disorder that is associated with my incompetence or am I just a failure?

First and foremost, I am sorry for the loss of your sister. It is difficult to lose a family member to suicide, especially someone with whom you were so close. It is important also that you know that your sister’s suicide is not your fault. You may feel guilty but that guilt is misplaced.

When someone is suicidal, it is a sign that they are severely suffering and likely have a serious mental illness. Most mental health professionals struggle immensely with how to appropriately deal with suicidal clients. For the layperson, knowing how to appropriately deal with a suicidal individual, even when it is a family member, is nearly impossible. Love cannot cure mental illness nor can it prevent someone from committing suicide. Family members simply do not have the education and training that is necessary to deal with the complex problem of suicide.

With regard to poor decision-making, the fact that you are aware of your problematic decisions is very insightful. Many people make poor decisions and remain completely oblivious to those mistakes.

You can’t change history but you can make better decisions in the future. No one can be free of mistakes but it is important that going forward, you recognize the importance of being correct in your thinking. To be correct in your thinking you need to think critically about every decision. Critical thinking skills can be learned.

There are two main ways to develop critical thinking skills. The first is to study the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals. Self-actualizing individuals have the ability to see reality clearly. The more accurately you can judge reality, the fewer mistakes you will make in life. It is important to make as few mistakes as possible because you will pay for all of your mistakes, financially, psychologically and so forth. Read Abraham Maslow’s work regarding the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals.

The second way to develop critical thinking skills is to enter cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy can assist you in examining your past mistakes and the associated faulty thinking process that accompanied those mistakes. Cognitive therapy can also assist you in assessing your ability to be logical and will challenge you to make the most rational decisions.

You may have made mistakes in life but you can positively affect your future by learning critical thinking skills. You asked about whether or not you have a mental illness. Though I cannot know with certainty, I do not believe that you are mentally ill. It is most likely the case that you made decisions without utilizing the proper critical thinking skills. The good news is that these skills can be learned through research or by entering therapy. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

November 29, 2023 0 comment

Frequent Tussles With Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 31st, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I grew up in a fairly strict religeous society. People always looking down on one another, shunning, sinning, like any other place. I found my niche in high school to be the black sheep, so to speak. I set myself up to look like I was nothing but trouble. The point I was trying to prove was that I was a good kid, and those around me were all wrong. I had this mindset that everybody was wrong long enough for me to have it installed in to my personality. Some how, my parents thought I was just depressed, so they took me to a psychologist who said I was just that. I thought I just needed a little attention. At least I had someone to listen to me ramble. I had developed some outstanding values for myself. They didn’t always go with everyone else’s, so I’ve always had a difficult time with relationships. Where I am at now, people think I’m an innocent kid. Back home, I’m a home wrecker and a heart breaker. Then along comes this girl (it’s always a girl, isn’t it?). She turns my world inside out. Out of nowhere I drop everything just to be a good, religeous guy. It’s like I never left church. Then, slowly, I creep back to my old self. Then I wrestle with my thoughts. Am I right to live with that free, open mind, or am I right to live strictly by the book? When looking from either perspective, nothing sounds glamorous. I had a direction in life, now I just don’t know. I was a very calm person, but now I’m snapping at people. I’ve said some things to people that are completely out of character. I’m not strong enough to overcome my old self, but the other side has a constant pull on me. I have had hours-long conversations with myself, debating the pros and cons of either direction and I’m still at a stand-still. Some days I think I have split personality disorder, some days I’m perfectly fine. help.

The goal for everyone should be to become who they truly are. It would be psychologically detrimental to pretend to be someone you were not or to act in a manner that was inconsistent with your core beliefs and values.

Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist, studied the characteristics of self-actualized individuals. Self-actualization is a process by which an individual is able to reach their fullest human potential; that is, to become who they truly are meant to be. Abraham Maslow found that very few individuals ever reach their full potential.

In one of his books Maslow details the characteristics of self-actualized individuals. He writes that “the average normal, well-adjusted person often has not the slightest idea of what he is, of what he wants, of what his own opinions are.” That is because people tend to accept the ideas and opinions of their culture. It is also not uncommon for individuals to adopt the same beliefs as their parents. Adopting the thinking of their culture and of their parents robs an individual of independent thought.

It may be difficult to know what you want or believe because you were raised in a strictly religious society. Presumably a strictly religious society tries to ensure that all of its members adhere to a certain way of thinking and behaving. Unfortunately, this tends to produce individuals who do not think for themselves and instead rely upon what the religious society defines as right and wrong.

You probably do not have a “split personality disorder.” You are most likely struggling to find what it is that you believe and to ascertain what your values, thoughts and opinions are. As unpleasant as this process may feel it may actually be a positive development. It may be a sign that you’re thinking independently about what it is you believe and I would always encourage this. That is exactly what you should be doing and it seems as if you are. If this is the case I’d say you are on the right track.

August 31, 2023 0 comment

Depressed About Life Direction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 21st, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

First off thank you for taking the time to read this and, hopefully, reply to it. I’ll try to keep it as brief as possible as I know you have a lot of these.

I’m a twenty year old male who is struggling with depression. This is caused by a number of things. Primarily I have been single my entire life and being in a relationship is something that truly matters to me not because of the physical nature of a relationship but because of the emotional connection one receives from it. Another primary cause would be due to the fact that my family beliefs and my own personal beliefs are beginning to diverge. This is a double edged sword because it at once severs a strong connection I’ve had with them over the years and also causes me to believe that life is ultimately pointless as I have been taught that this particular belief is life’s sole purpose.

Secondarily I struggle to gain friendships. I seem to be far more serious and focused deeper issues than my “friends” who never invite me to anything although they hang out with each other frequently.

To further extenuate the problem I believe that the reason I have been so alone and lacking in relationships is because I am far too nice and giving. I am well aware that people tend to think more of themselves then they actually are, but I truly am a “good guy”. I hold open doors, I don’t swear, I almost always put others first and I always have an open ear for others problems. I am genuinely interested in the well being of others. It would seem as though this quality is not desirable among men in this society (America). My desire for a relationship is great but my desire to hold fast to my morals is also great (and there enters the beliefs problem with further confuses the issue).

While each individual problem might be bearable they have, combined, brought me to a very heavy low. I know that many people have lives far more difficult and dire than mine and this ironically only makes me feel worse as I am genuinely compassionate towards these people. I have been brought to what will hopefully be my lowest point. I have considered ending my life a few times but I know how much that would hurt my family. I do not consider myself to be in danger of actually doing it but I suppose that line is what separates the dead from the living.

I’ve many interests but primary among them is psychology. I would be most grateful if you could direct me towards studies, terminologies to look into, and self treatments that might alleviate the issue. I seem to be stuck in several double-binds and I am vaguely familiar that my framework of mind needs to shift somehow but I am unaware as to how it may be shifted. I do not ask you to give me a fish, but a net if you wouldn’t mind that I may catch my own and that my solutions may increase with my predicaments as time progresses.

Thank you much and my apologies for the length.

I would suggest that you read the works of two important authors: Abraham Maslow and M. Scott Peck. Abraham Maslow is important because he studied the characteristics of self-actualizing individuals. Those in the process of self-actualization are thought to be the mentally healthiest individuals. Reviewing those characteristics may provide guidance about how to live, think and view the world.

M. Scott Peck’s most famous work, The Road Less Traveled, is a classic and timeless book. Peck discusses common life problems. He addresses anxiety, depression and how one can change their attitude to improve their life. I would highly recommend it.

In your letter, you provided a rationale for your depression. For example, you and your parents no longer share the same thoughts, opinions and values. You see that as something negative but in reality, nothing is more important than becoming an independent thinker. Maslow observes that many non-self-actualizing individuals don’t know their own thoughts, opinions or values. “Too many people don’t make up their own minds but have their minds made up for them by salesmen, advertisers, parents, propagandists, TV, newspapers, and so on.” In other words, they are not thinking for themselves. The fact the you are beginning to develop your own identity is a sign of growth but that is inconsistent with suicidal ideation.

You are also concerned about not having developed quality friendships. It is very difficult to form true friendships. It is easy to have work friends, school friends, etc. Though those relationships appear to be very real, they are almost always based on convenience. When you are no longer going to school together or working together, they almost always end.

Don’t assume that something is wrong with you. It may be that as you grow and change your values and interests are also changing. That is perfectly normal. In addition, very few people maintain deep personal connections to childhood or adolescent friends. People grow and change and they move apart. That’s the norm.

You also stated another area of concern; never having had a serious relationship. For you that is a sign that something is wrong. An alternative and more realistic explanation may be that you have yet to find the right person to devote your love, time and energy to. That same logic could apply to friendships.

Whenever someone has suicidal thoughts, they should seek therapy. One can be down. Life can be hard. Though this can be endured and may even be necessary to do so, suicidal thoughts are not normal and should never be ignored. Don’t hesitate to see a professional. If you had a rash on your skin, you could read many books on dermatology, take classes at a university and study case histories. I have no doubt you could learn to treat your skin condition but in essence you have done all of the work necessary to become a dermatologist. It would have been much easier to have gone to a specialist who has already done the many years of study. Learning to fish is a relatively easy thing. Learning to diagnose and treat depression is not. Please do not ignore your suicidal thoughts and feelings. They should be brought to the attention of a qualified professional.

I have limited information about your life and history. Thus, my response is limited but a therapist could take the time to learn many details about your life and provide a more thorough analysis. Therapy could also help you to move past this difficult period in your life. I wish you the best luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 21, 2023 0 comment

Trying To Find Hope with Depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 19th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

…to hold on to …I am struggling at the moment and yet I am aware that I should be feeling good. I am drawing to the end of a course of cbt, and I have benefited a great deal from this – my therapist was great, but not enough. I think my hopes and expectations at the outset were wrong – I really hoped that I would come out and things would be sorted, but of course they are not.

The problems that were there before are still there now, although I do have a few more strategies for dealing with them and I have a better understanding of where they came from. Work and work-associated stress are major issues, but in the current job climate there is not chance of changing that. Loneliness and a need to be loved is another issue, and whilst I am going out a little more than I was a year ago this is never easy – my teaching job seems to take over all of my life (not just at school) and I am constantly exhausted. I have only two relationships behind me – both significant, but no marriage and only ever at a distance – I keep my distance from men on the whole (even people), so where other people may have as many failed marriages that is the sum total of my relationships. I have explored fertility treatment because I was so desperate to have a child of my own, but so far treatments have both failed and been interspersed with the need for various gynaecological operations.

I am currently on another waiting list for a further round of treatment, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that at 46 it is highly unlikely that it will be successful. I do have a history of depression, hence the cbt, but since I have been pursuing fertility treatment I have not had anti-depressants. Right now I am at another low. The thought that this is as good as it gets (and it isn’t good) is taking over. Work will not improve. Fertility treatment will not be successful. As of 3 weeks time there will be no further counsellor support. My diabetes is throwing up more and more issues and though pretty well controlled for the past 30+ years has me increasingly concerned about kidney malfunction, eye-sight, neuropathy and issues such as gangrene. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to get old. I don’t want my family to die although we are not terribly close. I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t want to have to keep struggling with this life I hate. So where do I look? How can I find something to hang onto that will help me through this?

Thus far it seems as though you have been unhappy with your life. On one hand, you are unhappy with the course your life has taken. On the other hand, you are very fortunate. It is important not to take your blessings for granted. The humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow says that:

“getting used to our blessings is one of the most important nonevil generators of human evil, tragedy and suffering.”

Are you overlooking the basic goods of your life? You have a job, you have a career. You have a warm place to sleep at night. You have heat in your home. You have food to eat. You have clean water to drink. Many people in the world do not have these luxuries. It is important not to overlook the many blessings in your life. Unfortunately, for many people, they do not recognize their blessings until they lose them. Don’t make that mistake. Recognize the good things that really do fill your life.

I would characterize your questions to be philosophic in nature. They are not unusual. They are the questions that many ask during the course of their lives. What is life about? What is important in life? More specifically, your questions are the subject of existential philosophy, in particular, the existential concepts of facticity or thrownness. This means that you are not in this world of your own making. You have been put here on this Earth with perhaps a body you may not have chosen, the eye color you would not have chosen, the height or the weight that you would not have preferred, with a certain level of intelligence or talents, rich or poor, tall or short, living in a large city, or living in a third world country, none of your own choosing. None of these things are by choice. You would choose to have a good relationship and to have children but you were not given that choice. Perhaps you would have also chosen to be taller if given that choice but again you were not offered a choice.

We are all similar in that there are things in life that we would have chosen to be different, or that we would have chosen for our life but we were not given those choices. Those are the facts of life and thus the term “facticity.” The question becomes, can you still live a good, meaningful life under those less than ideal conditions? The answer, according to the existentialists, is yes.

You must play with the cards that have been dealt you. It is easy to focus on the negatives of life and ignore or greatly underplay the many goods with which you are blessed.

You can focus on the negatives and all the things that you have desired but not received or you can choose a different tactic. The best example of this is the life of Dr. Viktor Frankl. Dr. Frankl’s story is one about surviving in the most horrific life circumstances and still being able to find great meaning, joy and happiness. He wrote about how we can choose to see and to experience joy and happiness even in the midst of horrific circumstances. You may be underestimating the goodness and the goods in your life and not thoroughly enjoying them. It’s a matter of choice; it’s a matter of deciding to be happy even though your life didn’t go as planned.

I would recommend reading several important books, including Man’s Search for Meaning by Dr. Frankl; Messages From the Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss and to consider studying the basics of existential philosophy. You may also greatly benefit by getting involved in charity work. Perhaps you could become a Big Sister to a child needing love, compassion or guidance. It may be one way to express your love for children and to receive the love from a child that you strongly desire. Another consideration is to become a foster parent.

I am unaware of your religious beliefs but the majority of the world population believes in God. Some people believe in God very strongly. For those religious people, they believe both that God helps those who help themselves and they believe that God has a plan for them. They have to work their best to help themselves and they also have to trust in whatever destiny or plan that God has for them. Perhaps we should all have humility. So much of what happens in the universe is beyond human comprehension and understanding.

I want to end this answer with a piece of advice from Dr. Brian Weiss.

“Instead of worrying about specific outcomes and results just do the right thing. Reach out unselfishly. Hope for the best. Hope is fine. Expectation is not, because when expectation is present, disappointment is always lurking nearby.”

As described above, you have plans and expectations for your life that were not fulfilled. Those unfulfilled expectations have led to feelings of significant disappointment and unhappiness. Try to cherish what you have. Enjoy the daily pleasures and the basic goods of life. Become mindful of your everyday blessings. Make the best of the moment and try not to perseverate on the past or worry about the future. It may be best to “just do the right thing” and to “hope for the best.”

Good luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 9, 2011 0 comment