From the U.S.: My girlfriend gets really really upset when I don’t share every detail of my life with her exactly when it is happening. I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 2 years now. She lives in Chicago and I live in the central part of Illinois. Its about a 3 hour drive. Our relationship revolves around communicating through our phones and sometimes we skype when we find time in our busy busy lives. I am back in school trying to finish up my degree, and it takes up a huge part of my time. Between studying and class and homework, I am usually bogged down with that on top of my obligations to life and her.
There was an instance last night, I told her during the day I was going to be busy after work because I had to get ready to come up to the city for a wedding, shop, do laundry, pack and also my lab group was talking about getting together to study for an upcoming test. I told her all these things and we didn’t talk much but I did text her when I got a moment. I got a text about 8 pm from one of the group members ( who happens to be a girl ) that she wanted to meet up and study. I told her I was grabbing my book and heading out because I didn’t want to get home super late because I still had things I had to do.
The study session was very beneficial but I forgot to text my girlfriend and let her know I was doing it. I told her after the fact I was sorry I didn’t text her because I ended up meeting up with a group mate from class to study for the test tomorrow. She didn’t answer.
I woke up the next morning to a massive text from her bashing me, cursing me, saying she was hurt, pointing fingers at me how she does things for me and I do this to her, how I don’t communicate things to her, how my life is always secret. I told her that I actually had told her about me having to meet with a study group for a test, but she said it was unacceptable because I didn’t text her RIGHT THEN and tell her what I was doing.
I don’t understand why I get this treatment. I am a pretty laid back guy and generally don’t start conflict in the relationship, a long distance one is hard enough. I have had some issues with her thinking I am going to leave her for other girls in the past, but she was the one that wanted me to get back into school so I can finish and truly start a career, not just a dead end job. I told her two semesters ago I was going to have to interact with women in study groups, not that I can help it because group work is required in most classes.
She graduated with a bachelors degree so out of all people I assumed she would understand what it takes to get through college. I just don’t know what to do here and I can’t come to a conclusion. I love my girlfriend for a lot of things, but these few details that aren’t so lovable are what I am having an issue about. I know that people aren’t perfect but this has been ongoing for almost the whole relationship. Hopefully you have some insight to make me feel better about the situation. Thank you.
From your description, I’d say that your girlfriend is terribly insecure. It’s unreasonable to expect you to maintain a running commentary on your every move. You are working hard and juggling a great deal. If she loves you and trusts you, she should be more supportive and understanding. She certainly shouldn’t be bashing you and cursing you. And you shouldn’t be putting up with that kind of behavior.
Did something happen to your girlfriend in the past that makes her so distrustful? Perhaps that’s the conversation you should be having with her. If so, her behavior is more understandable but that doesn’t make it acceptable. If she tries to protect herself by controlling you, she is going to create the very thing she fears. For your own peace of mind, you will have to leave her despite all her good qualities.
Try having a direct conversation with her. Make it clear that you will not accept the terms that she is setting for your relationship. Reassure her of your love. Remind her that you have done nothing to deserve distrust. And make it clear that you will not stay in a relationship where you are distrusted and verbally abused. Then see where it goes. If she can’t let up on micromanaging your life, please think hard about whether this is the relationship for you.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie