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My Parents Want me to Die

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Why are my parents saying they want me to die and leave me? everyday i come from school all we do at my house is argue about every little thing my mom is mean to me i feel like bursting into tears but i dont i keep it in. i have really good friends that had told me to avoid me expressing my anger on her and etc. but im just thinking i might be bi polar in a way? sometimes when im arguing with my parents its so hard for me to take the things they tell me. i get so depressed but dont show my emotions they say i have no heart and they dont want me they want me to leave forever.

Eventually i did runaway one time and it did not end good at the end when i came back the next school day i thought they would apoligize to me and say sorry but all they did was say ” ugh your such a dumbass why did u come back” makes me want to run away for good and never come back since thats what they really want. I really want help i want to be a good daughter to them i just dont no how to control my anger because with every little thing i start getting mad i try to improve my actions but nothing helps i told my parents if they want me to stop yelling and getting anger they should take me to a therapist but they get more mad! Its just the fact that they seriously dont want me and makes me not want to live no more .): Please help! i just dont know what to do in this situation of my life

This is way too big a problem for a 13-year-old to handle on her own. Please think hard about what adult in your life might be able to help your parents understand that you and your family need help. You don’t know how to manage your anger. Your folks don’t know how to manage you. Everyone is getting frustrated and discouraged – so much so you are all ready to give up on each other.

You’re clearly a sensitive and caring person. You’re right that what’s needed here is some therapy. I suggest you think about talking to your school guidance counselor, your religious advisor, a trusted teacher, or the parent of a good friend. You will know who your parents just might listen to. Ask that person to help you tell your parents the things you talked about in your letter. When you do talk with your parents, work extra hard not to get angry but rather to express your sadness and pain. Also have on hand some phone numbers for a local mental health clinic.

If your parents refuse to get involved with therapy themselves, ask again for help finding someone to talk to. Tell your parents that you aren’t interested in blaming and being angry but that you want to learn how to handle your anger and express your feelings appropriately. Sometimes when one person in a family starts therapy and starts showing some results, other people in the family get interested in doing it too.

Meanwhile, live as healthy a life as you can. Get involved with activities where you will meet people who are likely to become good friends. Eat right. Make sure you stay active. Believe it or not, dressing well will also help you feel better about yourself each day. Do these things as a statement that you value yourself – even if some other people don’t. That atttitude will help you attract the kind of friends who can be there for each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Have Adult ADD?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I’m a student receiving my Masters degree. Within the past two years I’ve felt my body and mind change significantly in many ways. I feel extremely anxious when doing tasks (even small ones like packing/unpacking a suitcase). This is the same with grocery shopping or attempting my homework. I then push everything aside and get nothing done. My habits of cleanliness such as my apartment have declined because I refuse to motivate myself to clean. I’ll find myself in the kitchen then in the bedroom for some reason the randomly in the bathroom, ultimately accomplishing nothing. I get distracted by TV a lot and it impedes my homework. I also feel pressured on what to do when I finish my masters and feel like I’m too lackadaisical to even search for jobs. My relationship with my boyfriend is also affected by this in that I’ll freak out on him, refuse sex, and find him at the mercy of which high or low I’ll be on. I’ll also find myself drinking and smoking cigarettes more often to avoid doing work or tasks. I feel like I have adult ADD due to these symptoms and have spoken with my mother, who revealed she believes she has it as well but was never properly diagnosed. I would like to know what to do and what would happen if I see a psychiatrist.

Next time you talk with your mom ask her if she recalls you having similar attention problems in elementary school. While your symptoms do sound a lot like adult ADD, it’s important to determine whether you experienced these symptoms during childhood or whether they are new. If all of your symptoms are recent, it’s very unlikely that you have ADD. If they’ve been going on for years, it’s more likely that you have have ADD.

There are other possible explanations for your recent changes in your behavior and emotions. Depression or anxiety disorders often emerge in young adulthood and symptoms are similar to what you’re describing – difficulty concentrating, irritability, lack of motivation. ADD is often associated with other mental health conditions as well, so there may be a combination of issues that you’re struggling with.

Your idea about getting an evaluation by a psychiatrist is right on target! An evaluation will provide a clear diagnosis and suggest course of treatment to help you manage your symptoms. Your doctor will likely recommend medication or psychotherapy, or a combination of both.

If you’ve never had a psychiatric or mental health evaluation, it’s natural to be a little nervous because you have no idea what to expect.  When you set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, he or she might give you some questionnaires to fill out before the appointment. During your appointment he or she will perform an in-depth interview with you. Medical or psychological testing may also be recommended. In addition to your evaluation and psychotherapy, you and your boyfriend may want to consider couples counseling to help repair any damage to your relationship.

You are in a stressful time of life full of transitions and important decisions – graduate school, serious relationships, career choices. These can be exciting and incredibly stressful. Make sure you’re taking care of your basic needs by getting adequate sleep, eating well, and engaging in regular recreation and exercise. No matter what your diagnosis, all of these lifestyle choices will help you manage your symptoms and will contribute to your overall health and happiness.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Difficult People Make me Depressed

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I grew up in a chaotic household with a bizarre, usually absent father and a raging, abusive and hate-filled mother. Both drank, but sober she was even worse. We had to deny anything was wrong and no one helped me or my siblings. I bore most of the abuse.

Now, as an adult, when I come across bizarre or difficult people I become somehow paralyzed and cannot deal effectively with them. I feel a deep sense of shame. Part of me knows as an adult I can tell the person “knock it off” or “stop mistreating me, it’s wrong and I won’t put up with it” but I don’t. The few times I have tried to tell someone to stop, it not only didn’t make them stop, it made them angry and more abusive, which is all the more reason I’d rather just leave the situation or avoid the person from then on.

Now I am working for someone who seems angry, deeply disturbed and who basically insists on constant attention and fawning obedience over even the most minute things. She makes a lot of reference to ill-health and I sense that management is happy having her in this position and couldn’t care less how she treats the subordinates, and that she is somehow protected because of her ill-health.

I don’t think quitting is the answer at least not now; and really I sense that her feeling its okay to mistreat me somehow stems from my own reaction to her behavior. Recently, after she got sarcastic with me, I was deeply depressed for two days. I’m tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of being depressed. I recognize some connection between my background and my life today, but don’t know how to rectify it.

You’re probably right that your paralysis has something to do with your history. As a child, you were helpless to get out of the situation. You learned then that the way to prevent further hurt was to essentially freeze. It was a survival technique that worked at least some of the time. You never learned how to be effectively assertive because it was pointless to even try with your parents.

Lessons learned in childhood are very powerful. In our early years, we put down a template for how people operate and what we need to do to get along. We then carry that template into every other relationship. I suspect that you generally avoid being around such difficult people. That works as long as you can get away. But, as you are finding, when you are stuck in the situation, your old survival pattern comes back. The problem is that it doesn’t work in your adult life.

This is exactly the kind of pattern that therapy can resolve. Therapy will help you separate past from present and learn new ways to take care of yourself. Your therapist will help you practice handling these situations during sessions and will give you support while you try them out in your life. You will probably also need to do some work healing the hurt child you carry within so that angry people don’t immediately send you running (figuratively) for cover.

You’ve carried the hurt long enough. Please follow through. Ask your doctor or someone you trust for the names of therapists in your area who have a good reputation. I always suggest that people give themselves permission to interview a few therapists before settling on who to work with. The most important variable for whether therapy will be effective is how comfortable you feel with the therapist.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Sister is Child-Like

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 25 years old and married and I currently have my 27 year old sister living with me. She is the nicest person you will ever meet but we have a few major problems. I sometimes think that her mind is stuck back in Jr High/High school. Most of the people that she makes friends with are of high school age, and she tends to look up to them and identify with them and is almost obsessed with television shows that depict the lives of school aged children. Where most people our age would worry about their jobs, bills, retirement and so on, she is only concerned with makeup, hair, music and her friends. She is also extremely gullible. She will believe anything her friends tell her but will never, and I do mean never, listen to the advice of those who love her.

She cannot keep a job under any circumstances. She is either fired outright or just stops showing up and this behavior is usually accompanied by some form of excuse, the most recent being that she was fired for knowing someone who had HIV. She has only just recently learned to drive, but can’t afford to insure her car as she has no job.

She has been living with me for over 5 months now and downright refuses to look for work, to help around the house or even get out of bed. She will go without showering unless I make her, she will try to wear dirty pajamas out in public unless I make her change and most astonishingly, to me, she was upset about being asked to change my 8 month old son’s diaper because “he did it, make him clean it”. My husband is currently deployed right now and will be returning in July and I cannot have her here when he returns. He doesn’t know what is going on and I don’t want to cause him anymore worry or anxiety than I need to. I just wanted to help my sister get on her feet but now I am at my wit’s end. Is it possible that she may have some form of mental disorder?

It’s hard to know whether your sister is a spoiled brat who doesn’t want to grow up or mentally ill and only able to function like a child. Either way, you have more going on than you can reasonably be expected to handle. You didn’t mention if this is new behavior or if she has always been like this. Nor did you mention why she is with you instead of with your parents. I’m therefore very limited in my ability to understand the situation.

I do think you should insist that your sister have a mental health evaluation. You are fortunate to live in an area where there are many resources. Simply search on the internet for “mental health resources and your city.” There may also be an evaluation team on base for families of deployed personnel. Your chaplain may also be able to help you match your sister to resources she needs.

If a mental health professional determines that your sister has a mental illness, she’ll also be given a treatment plan. Since she is living with you and you are acting as a caretaker, do get your sister’s permission to sit in on the planning session. If she says she won’t let you, you may have to be more firm than you are used to being. You could tell her that living with you depends on her being open with you about what is wrong and doing what she can to get better. You don’t need or want to be in on every aspect of her treatment but you will probably have more compassion for her if you can have an overview of her problem and the suggested treatment.

If the professionals determine that she doesn’t have a disorder but is using you to avoid the responsibilities of adulthood, it’s time for the gravy train to end. Give her a few weeks to find somewhere to go and to go there. You have a small child to take care of. You don’t need a big one. Your husband does not need added stress when he gets home. You and your husband need to be able to focus on your own little family.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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Dysfunctional childhood is affecting my life as an adult

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I had a difficult childhood. My mom had six children I am the second to the oldest, which we all lived with my grandparents. My grandfather were physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. I never could understand why my mom didn’t work harder or do something to take us out of that environment when I was younger. As I got older I kind of understood why. She worked so hard and every time she got paid my grandfather wanted her money which left her stuck in a position of never moving us out of that environment. My mom were sexually abused by my grandfather at the age of 5. She had 4 siblings which he sexually abused all at a young age, even the boys until they were grown. That effected my mom mentally and emotionally.

Coming up as a child my mom were involved with many men, most were a lots older than her. My siblings and I really don’t know who our fathers may be, she told us but none of the fathers were involved in our life.I can’t remember being penetrated by my grandfather unless it have erased itself from my memories but I do remember my private areas being touched. I grew up watching my mom perform sexual acts with men until I were 10 yrs old.

I grew up poor, some days no food, no clean clothes, or no bath. I remember my mom stealing food in order for us to have something to eat. When I was 12 I started stealing food so my younger sibling wouldn’t be hungry. Due to being poor, children at school teased and hit me daily at school. I never wanted to be notice by kids or teachers so they wouldn’t hurt me in any kind way. I never talked or played with anyone, I just stayed to myself at school hiding in some corner. I felt sick every day knowing I had to go to school and felt sick every day knowing I had to go home.

The man who supposed to be the father to me and my oldest sister told us he didn’t want to have anything to do with us so stop calling him because his wife don’t want him to have anything to do with us. That hurted so bad, all I wanted him to do was to take me to McDonalds. Every weekend I waited for him to change his mind about us and show up to take us to McDonalds.

I never had a man to love me. Because of that as an adult, I constantly let this guy for 8 yrs and counting do me wrong and I settle for whatever he puts me through. All I want is for him to love me, I can’t seem to understand why a man can’t love me.

I have two wonderful children whom I love dearly. I try to be happy for them but inside I am miserable. I feel stuck and life is passing me by. I am very much overweigh and feels that no other man will ever want me. I am terrified to go in front of other people because I know they may talk about me. I feel so clueless and dumb to a lots of things and situations. I am well educated but no job. I panics everytime I go on an interview or maybe they don’t chose me because of my weigh. I don’t know what I can do to make my life happier for a change.

What a hard, hard way to grow up. Now that you are a parent, I think you understand why your mother couldn’t leave her parents’ house. She had nowhere to go. From her point of view, some home was better than none. As an abused person herself, she didn’t feel good enough about herself to think that she deserved better. Like you, she wanted to be loved. Like you, she settled for whatever “love” she could get rather than have nothing that looked like love in her life. I suspect she had so many children because babies do give us unconditional love. What a sad, sad life she had.

Fortunately, things are different since the time when you were growing up. For the last 30 years, therapists have been figuring out how to help people heal from an abusive childhood so that they can take charge of their own lives. Your past does not have to determine what you present and future will be.

You can recover and give yourself and your kids a better life. Locate a therapist who specializes in adults who have been abused as children and do the therapeutic work you need to do. Your doctor can help you find one or you can make some phone calls yourself. You deserve to become the emotionally healthy and loving person you are meant to be. Your children deserve to have a mom who takes care of her own emotional business so that she can really be there for them when they need her.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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He feels completely hopeless and can’t get help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am in College in my senior year and the last three semesters I have bombed. I can’t focus on anything I do. I fall way behind in school. I am always angry. I constantly seek out distractions just so I don’t have to deal with life. I play video games most of my waking hours. I hate everything about life and feel the world is about to end anyways. I hate myself and think myself to be ugly. I have thought about death a lot but because I believe in hell I think it would only get worse so I feel very trapped in a miserable existance. I can’t focus on anything and doing some of the most minor things requires a lot of effort for me. I feel numb inside sometimes and empty. The depression gets so bad it turns to physical pain like a knife in my heart and cold. I feel lonly but afraid of most people especially women and prefer to be by myself. I am 26 and never been in a relationship but as of lately I stopped caring. I was molested at a young age by several guys that I barly remember but enough to haunt me. I often feel like I am being laughed at by others around me. I feel I can’t go on any more. I feel drained all the time and kind of dead inside. My mother is a sever alcoholic who makes up a lot of stories that are not true and when I was younger tried to turn me against my father. She is a compulsive smoker who acts like she is always the victim and its everyone elses fault. I want help but have little money. I have talked to counsolers before but mostly they just say think positive which just makes me angrier. I have trouble keeping up with it and just fall into isolation over time. I feel overwhelemed with all kinds of problems but cannot get any real help. I can’t afford medicine and without any help it is very hard to live on my own. I tested for Asbergers which reveal that I probably have it but their is no kind of assistance for adults with this problem. I have been labled severe depression, sever emotionally disturbed, ADHD. I also sometimes but not as often any more feel like everything is going really fast and sounds appear to be fast forwarded only to have everything go really slow. This lasts for about 5 to 10 miniutes and then everything goes back to normal. I had a cutting problem for a while but have cut way back. I am sorry I am rambling with all this crap but I can’t seem to be able to turn anywhere. How can I get REAL help with all these issues. I only want to know where I can go or what I can do to help with all these issues.

It’s not rambling to try to lay out the issues you are struggling with. You certainly have a lot of challenges. I’d like to think that writing to us here at Psych Central means that you haven’t given up entirely. Obviously, an advice column can’t solve your problems but perhaps I can give you a little direction.

First — Please don’t give up on counselors. All therapists aren’t alike. It’s important to interview several in order to find someone you think can understand and help you. “Think positive thoughts” is not it. You probably need a combination of some medicine (at least for awhile to give you the energy you need to do therapeutic work) and talk therapy that helps you deal with the traumatic events of your past, your family, and your current difficulties. Real help is out there but you have to go find it.

Next: There are many therapists and clinics who offer a sliding fee scale and who accept health insurance. I did a web search of your city and mental health services and found several that look promising. I suggest you call around and see whether any have services you can afford.

And — If you do have Aspergers, there certainly is help for managing it. An excellent book on the subject is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger Syndrome by Valerie L. Gaus. When you call the various mental health clinics in your area, be sure to ask if there is anyone who specializes in adult Aspergers.

I do urge you to take charge of yourself and at least start getting the help you need while you are still in college. If possible, you want to have a handle on yourself before you start looking for a job. You are obviously a man who thinks in complicated ways and who will respond well to some good support and advice. Use your remaining semester to give yourself the jumpstart you need to make a good adult life for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Dad was abusive to me as an adult

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

A couple of months ago my dad came over to halp me with my house. I asked him about a ladder that he left at my house. He began yelling over me and not listening to me and we got into an argument. When he was about to say that he was going to leave, I beat him to it and said that he should leave my home. To this he responded by calling me a “selfish ungreatful little b.” When I responded in shock that I couldn’t believe he was now calling me names he said, “I am only telling the truth of what you really are… A selfish ungreatful b.”

At this time we were working on painting a room, so there really wasn’t a lot of room in the room we were painting. I went to walk by him and get out of the room, and he took me by the foearms and pushed me up against the wall. At that point I felt threatened and wanted to get out of the room. He was blocking my way out so as I was walking by, I used the side of my body to push him out of my way as I was trying to walk out of the room. He then he put one hand around my neck and the other hand between my neck and my shoulder and pushed me up the wall again.

At this point I was yelling “What are you doing? What is wrong with you? Get out of my home!” We were both by the door at this point, and he was blocking my way out. He then lunged to come at me again and I then stood up to him and yelled “What are you going to do now dad, punch me? Go ahead do it! Do it!” I then saw the rage snap out of his eyes. He then turned around and said that he had to get his stuff in a calm voice. I said to him calmly that I could not believe what happened and that I feel like I can’t even have a rational conversation with him anymore. I told him that I was shocked that he actually called me those names (not the first time he called me that name) and got physical with me. He then yelled, “There you go you are going to make this all my fault like you are the victim here!” I told my mom that day and at first she was very supportive and concerned about me and what was wrong with my dad since he had never gotten physically abusive before. After my mom talked to my dad however, she began to become enabling and making excuses for him like, “Well, you know how you can be in an argument. Sometimes you are a bit forceful in your opinions.”

At this time, we had some family events coming up and I told my mom that I didn’t want to see him or hear from him until he at least apologized. She kept me posted on how he was making excuses for himself and how she partially agreed with him. I told her that no matter what I did or will ever do, it is not a reason to be abusive. My dad finally apologized the day before we had a family event. We did not talk about what happened, however, and I feel like the apology was forced to get me to the family event and pretend like nothing was wrong. Ever since then, he has been acting like nothing is wrong and like I should just be over it. I am still extremely hurt and replay the incident and hear his words over and over in my head. I am trying very hard to get over this, but feel like things will never be the same between us and it breaks my heart.

I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I am hurt and therefore angry with both of my parents. My dad for his abuse and my mom for enabling and making excuses for him. Now the little things that they do are just making me more and more upset. How do I handle this? What do I do to make this better for myself and my health and the health of my family?

You’re right that nothing justifies abuse. It’s also true that something like this rarely happens just out of the blue. There’s probably much more to this story. It sounds to me like something has been building up for some time. I also have a guess that it isn’t as black and white as either you or your dad might want to make it. Your mom is caught between you. What would probably be best for the health of you and your family is to get a mediator or family therapist to help you all (you, dad, and mom) hear everyone else out. You live in a city where there are many resources to turn to. Please take the high road and contact someone who can help your family clear the air and mend the relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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