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I need to be needy

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am very heavily emotionally invested in maintaining my self-image as a needy, immature, unworthy child instead of a confident, mature, attractive adult woman. The very idea that I am actually an middle-aged adult woman has been upsetting, as I’ve never thought of myself as a responsible adult ever. It shows in my life. No relationship, no children, no decent job, nothing to show for my life. The only thing I see that I’m getting out of these thoughts and feelings are the sticky comfort of old habits. I refuse to take risks, even though logically, I know I’ve “failed” before and survived. It’s as if I can’t bear making any more mistakes or lose another relationship or put myself out there again for anything.

Recently, when I realized that I’ve put myself down for no reason at all for 35+ years, I actually cried, not from relief, but from the knowledge that I have to do some difficult work to break these thought patterns. It feels like it would be so much easier to just let the habitual thoughts hold sway. I’m used to being poor, working crap jobs and not being in a relationship.

I’ve had some pretty convoluted thoughts that I’ve used to keep me safe in my comfort zone of doing the bare minimum to get by in life, such as convincing myself that I’ll only attract losers forever, or that I’m not as talented as I think I am in the field of endeavor I wish to pursue; both of which have been proven wrong in reality repeatedly. But when the opportunities come, I run the other way, convinced that I can’t handle them and that it’s wrong for me to take advantage of them. I also feel “better” believing that no one likes me and that I don’t fit in, and that my desires and ideas are “above my station,” thus unattainable and that I’m unworthy of working towards what I want.

I am mired in what is almost these fake self-doubts. It’s as if I believe that if I have some self-confidence, I’ll become a person who’s too big for their britches or that by succeeding, I’m hurting other people.

How can I stop feeling angry about knowing that these self-defeating thoughts must change? My life is slipping away.

What an insightful letter! You’ve done half the work already. You’ve clearly outlined the problem and you seem ready to consider some changes. Without talking with you further, I can’t venture why you’ve backed away from life so utterly. I am sure that there is a good, but not very useful, reason. It’s important to get to some new understanding so that you can stop scolding yourself and instead have compassion for the younger you who came up with the best solution she could at the time. Once you know what the problem is (or was), you can turn your adult mind to finding a better way to address the problem than staying stuck in a kind of perpetual adolescence. I hope you’ll make some calls to find a therapist who can help you make sense of yourself and move forward. You are fortunate to live in a city where there are probably thousands of qualified therapists. Ask your doctor or people you trust for a referral.

The anger you are feeling is energy. You can use it either to dig your hole deeper or to jumpstart yourself into some action. I really, really hope you’ll do the latter. Get the support and help you need so that the second half of your life isn’t a repeat of the first. You deserve so much more.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why is my sister so selfish?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi, I am 24 and my sister is 22, and she has got to be the most selfish person (family wise) that I know. Anytime anyone from our immediate family asks her for a favor she is too busy or looks at us like she can not believe we are asking her for a favor. A few examples would be our mom had an eye appt and she needed a ride home because she could not drive after, she asked my sister to pick her up and my sister of course was too busy because she was going to go and meet some friends so our mom had to find another way home. When my mom got home my sister seemed like she was so offended that my mom found an alternate way home and didnt call her for a ride………yet she told my mom that she was too busy to pick her up. Another example would be our youngest sister was arriving at the airport and instead of taking a cab home she asked our sister to pick her up, of course again she said no she was going camping so our youngest sister found an alternate way home. My sister who was going camping, then felt she had the right to be upset because she went to the airport to pick her up and she wasn’t there, even though she was too busy to pick her up when she was asked for the favor.

In the summer she moved to the same city that I live in and because she didn’t have a vehicle at first I lent her mine for a week and had no problem because I was helping her out and thought she could do the same for me, but when my car got a flat tire and i asked her if she could give me a ride to an appointment I had to buy her lunch otherwise she wouldn’t give me a ride.

She is only like this when it is myself, our youngest sister or our parents asking the favor of her. If it is a co-worker or a friend or my husband she is always more than willing to help them out. When we get upset with her because we feel that she is taking advantage of us or that she has no respect for us she takes great offence to it and always turns it around and tells us we are all ridiculous and that we have no reason to pick on her and that we are just don’t like who she is etc. Then she wants nothing to do with any of us because we are “mean”……which ends up being her reason as to why she doesnt help any of us.

I dont understand why she is so willing to help out others but it is such a hassle to help out her family. And why she gets so offended when we try to explain to her why we are upset and turns it around in her mind that we are being ridiculous and we have no reason to be mad at her when we are being “mean”

Does anyone have any explanations for this?
(Sorry this is so long)

No apologies necessary. Your sister is so selfish because she is immature. I know she’d hate to hear that but expecting the world to be organized around her needs and desires and wanting to be judged for her good intentions instead of her actions are “symptoms” of immaturity.

It’s not unusual for a kid to grow up with other people before family. It’s too easy to slip into old roles with familiar people who have to forgive you. But as you are finding out, this behavior gets old real quick once someone is in her 20s. People do mature at different rates. You and your youngest sister have, for reasons of your own, matured more quickly than middle sis.

Do keep telling her that, as an adult, she is accountable for her actions and that you all expect her to treat the family as nicely as she treats others. Otherwise, how will she learn? But I do suggest that you give your feedback in as loving a way possible so that she’ll listen. If you scold, nag, harshly criticize or put her down, she’ll get so defensive she won’t be able to hear you.

Go about your own business of growing up. You seem to be doing a fine job of it. Fortunately, your sister is getting older by the day and will probably grow up too.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Possible Abuse by Brother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

when I was younger my brother took advantage of me. I can”t remember if he actually ‘did’ anything I blanked every thing out. today I love my brother is that normal? I feel that since I was that young and didn’t fully understand what was happening that he may have opened me to make decisions to watch things I shouldn’t and do things I regret today. no one knows about what happened. I don’t even think my brother knows I remember. and for some reason it came up in my thoughts in this last January and I cant understand why after all these years when I thought I’ve moved on, why am I thinking of it now? Since it was so far back should I leave it in the past and try to forget about it? because like I said I don’t remember how far it was taken. I just wanna get over this without causing my family pain.

I suspect that the reason this is coming up now is that at age 15, you are thinking about your own sexuality and relationships.

Relationships with siblings and close relatives that cross boundaries like this are usually complicated. Most people who do some bad things aren’t entirely bad people. Many young women both love the person who hurt them and hate what the person did. It can be very confusing.

Do take into account that memory is a strange thing. It’s not perfect. It’s not like we take movies in our brains that are 100 percent accurate. As you pointed out, you can’t remember much. This is normal. Often when kids are overwhelmed or scared, they shut down the part of the brain where memories are stored.

The problem with trying to dig up exactly what happened is that the brain hates a vacuum. It often tries to fill in the blanks. It’s hard to know in situations like you describe which thoughts (“memories”) are accurate and which thoughts are an effort to make the story make sense.

If you think your brother will be honest with you and won’t hurt you, it might be helpful to talk with him. It may be that he has regrets as well. It may be that he will be relieved to have the chance to apologize to you. In that case, you may be able to repair your relationship and move on.

If, however, he’s the type to get defensive and angry and especially if there is any chance he would lash out at you, it’s better that you work with a counselor. Therapy can help you decide if it would be helpful to talk to him and, if so, if it would be helpful to have the protection of doing so with your therapist.

I hope you do whatever you need to do to put this situation to rest. You’ve carried guilt and regret around way long enough.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Career Failure and Full of Regrets

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have always suffered from performance anxiety, social anxiety, and a certain degree of manic-depression. However I am very smart/talented and was very successful in high-school and attended a top university. I was very unhappy there and almost dropped out despite good grades. I was briefly treated for anxiety caused by a prescription drug and this treatment made me happy, outgoing and popular, but also manic and sexually dysfunctional. During this time I was recruited to many great jobs but was scared to take them and instead started my own dot-com business. However once off the treatment my anxiety/depression returned and the business did not develop too much. Eventually it failed and it became just me working for one of our clients. This spanned 15 years since college and overall it provided a pretty good income in a low-stress environment although I had to work from home and it was very lonely.

Recently that good situation collapsed. Although the client loved my work, the CEO lied about it for years and took credit for it herself. When I found out she demanded I also lie to her Board to save face for her. This meant not taking credit for ten years of my work so I refused. She was caught in a lie and fired me in retaliation and the Board did nothing to stop her although they were fully informed. So I hired an attorney and sued, and they gave me a small settlement. My attorney then demanded more than that settlement amount in fees which was not what we agreed. I now have no job, no positive reference for ten years of my work, and a legal bill I am unwilling to pay.

The unfairness of this situation is making me extremely angry. I feel like the CEO, the Board, and my attorney are all users and liars who cared nothing about what was fair or right, and only about their own profit. They all saw me as a weak person and took full advantage of me.

Now I am full of regrets. I regret I didn’t pursue a career that would have provided more job security like medicine instead of chasing dreams on the internet. I regret I didn’t find some better treatment of my symptoms so I could have managed the business better. I regret I never found any satisfying relationship b/c of my anxiety problems and lonely work situation.

Worse, I don’t see a path forward. How can I find a new job when my past ten years has just been erased? How can I be happy starting with a small job again when my classmates are at the top of their fields making six and seven figure incomes? I could have been like them if I didn’t have these problems to deal with. I am also tormented by the many great business ideas I want to pursue, but am afraid will fail like the first one. I don’t want to be a 40 year old loser. I don’t know what to do.

You are being very hard on yourself. If a friend shared this experience with you, you probably would not warn them that they are at risk of becoming a “40-year-old loser.” My guess is that you would provide encouragement and reassurance.

Things did not evolve as planned but you have had a successful career. An unexpected event occurred that was outside of your control. How could you have predicted such an outcome? The answer is that there is no way you could have known. You cannot change history but you can learn from it.

My advice is to reframe your view of this situation. You are not a failure. You were highly successful for a significant period of time but due to events outside of your control, you’ve lost your income. You are comparing yourself to your friends but each person has unique life circumstances. It is not a fair comparison.

You are only seeing the negative aspects of your situation but there are positives. Now you have a chance to do what you always wanted. Many people never have this opportunity. They live their entire lives engaged in a less-than-ideal career and never change course. You have that opportunity now. In this way you are very fortunate. Had the unforeseen event not occurred it may have been impossible to begin a new career. Think of it as a gift. You are now in the position where you must forge on and start over. Maybe this is the jumpstart that you’ve needed to change the course of your life to a new, more desirable direction.

You are now on the verge of doing something that you have always wanted to do. Going forward will be an uphill battle but you have no choice. It won’t be easy but nothing that is valuable in life ever is.

I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors. If you have continued difficulties, it would be advantageous to consider therapy. A therapist can help you remain objective and also support your efforts to rebuild your career. There is no shame in wanting to ensure that one’s thought processes are as sharp and as realistic as possible. In addition, it will allow you to receive the mental health treatment you regret not pursuing 15 years ago. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Break up because it’s broken

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We had been fighting on and off lately. No serious fighting, just senseless bickering. Apparently, one day he had enough and moved out of the house we were in the process of moving into. I didn’t know what to do. He was so angry. I went to his parents house with intentions of talking to his mom (the only person he listens to when he gets in those moods). I ended up speaking with both of his parents. Let me add, his father and him do not see eye to eye on anything. He takes anything anyone says and distorts it to his advantage. They asked what we fought about and I told him a few fights I could remember. My boyfriend ended up moving back in that same night and apologizing. Two days later, I get a phone call with him screaming at me about how his family thinks he is on drugs. NOWHERE in that conversation did I say that he was on drugs. My boyfriend moves out that day. He says we need a break. The break lasts 4 days. He moves back, things were fine. Or so I thought. We get into an argument (small, as always) one night and we make up in the morning. Here I am thinking, the fight didn’t drag on so this is a good start for change.

Anyway, two days after that, he visits his parents house. I am home when I get yet another screaming phone call. This time saying that his dad agrees with me that he’s insane (I didn’t say that AT ALL) and that he need psychological help. Again, I said none of this. He moves out again. I’m so sick of all this! I made a mistake in telling his parents, particularly his dad about all this. I know that. I believe that things can be worked out with time. He does not. He thinks he screwed things up horribly by doing XYZ, which he won’t even define for me. He says if I think about the time we spent together, I’ll understand.He says he ends up hurting everyone around him. He says he runs away when he’s mad or hurt and that he’s done hurting me by running. He says I deserve stability and someone better than him. He doesn’t understand why I want to be with him when all he does is humiliate us and hurt me all the time (his words, not mine). He said yesterday that he doesn’t want me completely out of his life but he doesn’t know what to do and just wants to leave and never come back. He says the only emotion he has is anger about everything. Despite everything, I still feel like this isn’t really over. I know he isn’t coming back any time soon but deep down, I feel like there are issues apart from me that he needs to work through right now and maybe one day, he’ll come back. I hope I’m not just being delusional, I’m pretty good at telling when something is truly over and done with. In the meantime, I know I need to move on with my life as if he isn’t coming back. How do I get over this? How do I get over him? How do I move on?

P.S. That book, It’s called a break up because it’s broken, isn’t working.

I’m not familiar with the book so I can’t comment on what it says. But I can comment on your letter. You are probably right that the relationship isn’t over but only because you keep going back for more. I’m sorry to say that I agree with your boyfriend. He isn’t in any shape to offer anyone a relationship. He has serious issues with anger and with attachment that need to be dealt with. He knows it but he’s probably scared. So he blames his parents, blames you, and keeps things constantly stirred up so he doesn’t have to face himself.

Meanwhile – you have a role in this. Why, oh why do you want to stay in a relationship that is so fraught with fighting and constant bickering? Please take an honest look in the mirror and ask yourself why you don’t think you deserve better. You are only 23. You’ve only been in this relationship a little over a year. You’ve got plenty of time to work on yourself and to find a loving and supportive relationship. Don’t, don’t, don’t move in with this guy unless and until you both deal with your own issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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