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Appearance

Feeling Alone

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 13th, 2021

I feel like no one likes me at school. I don’t have a certain group of friends. I never hang out with anyone. I never text anyone. Sure I sit with some people at lunch and talk to people during class but I don’t have any close friends. No one asks me to hang out or anything. I never get wall posts on Facebook or photo likes. I have never had a boyfriend or been kissed. I don’t think guys notice me or like me. Everyone in high school has best friends and boyfriends and I have nothing. I am shy and I try to not be so shy but I can’t help it. All my family members who are my age are popular and have so many friends and have been in relationships except me. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I always get sad out of nowhere, when I’m walking down the hall or home on a weekend or doing homework. I can’t go to a real therapist since my parents don’t believe in that stuff. What do I do? I’m tired of being alone and I still have one and a half years of high school left.

The tone of your letter suggests that you might have depression. A key phrase in your letter is “I feel like.” Feeling like something is true does not mean that it is true, especially if you have depression. Cognitively, depression creates distortions. Those with depression often view their lives through the lens of negativity. They have a tendency to minimize positive aspects of their lives while maximizing the negative.

Individuals who are depressed also perceive others as being much happier than they really are. They assume that everyone else is happy and flourishing, They assume that they are the only ones who are unhappy, since obviously everyone looks happy. For some, it becomes the proof that they are a “loser” which ultimately serves to fuel their depression. However, when we look at others we need to remember that we can only see the outside. Most people carefully control the “outside” that is public and manipulate that appearance to give the best possible impression. Simply put, they hide their doubts and fears and often their true feelings.

You said that your parents “don’t believe” in therapy but they might change their mind if they were made aware of your possible depression. If you feel uncomfortable speaking to your parents, consult the school guidance counselor. Detail your struggles and concerns. Tell the guidance counselor about your belief that your parents won’t take you to a psychotherapist. Perhaps he or she could speak to your parents. Hearing that you need help, from a third party, might motivate your parents to take your concerns seriously and to assist you in receiving professional help. Many people receive effective treatment for depression and live happy lives. You can too but it may require you being your own mental health advocate. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 13, 2021 0 comment

She’s confused by his mixed signals

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 22nd, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am confused about this seemingly shy coworker who seems to have a crush on me. On the job he is a loner, seems shy and rather passive, but excels in math and computer knowledge. His grooming is rather unkempt, but he did try to improve his appearance after I approached him after months of him watching me from a distance and not making a move. When he does hold a conversation, it is usually with much older coworkers then anyone around is age.

One of the things that confused me is that when I finally spoke to him he was stuttering, could not make eye contact, and did not know what to do. he was so uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable and did not speak to him again until months later.

This time I spoke to him right outside the building. He seemed pleasantly surprised and happy that I was talking to him. He seemed like a completely different person. His voice was strong, confident, and deeper than the one he uses with everyone at work. He maintained eye contact, was confident, articulate, and seemed very intelligent. He did not seem the least timid or withdrawn.

However, the next time, I saw again, a day later, he seemed uncomfortable looking at me and returning my hello and I heard him speaking to others in that same weaker voice and acting very shy.

After our conversation, he walks near or passes me, glances over at me out of the corner of eyes, but still does not approach me. In these instances, I did not go over and speak to him, but I continued to greet him in the morning, as I do everyone, but now he gives me silent treatment. He looks past me in my direction and won’t say anything.

I wonder if you could give me your thoughts as to what you think is going on with him. Are these signs as to problems I can expect from him if I continue to try to keep communicating with him? So far it seems he will not ever come up and talk to me and that I will have to do the pursuing. Something I am not keen on and will not do.

But right now he seems rude and rather self-centered. He is not thinking at all about hurting my feelings when he snubs me. He is not taking the initiative to get to know me better after I broke the ice between us. He is about in his 40s.

I do not understand his “shyness” with me now inside the building that was not there outside the building when he seem so confident with that different sounding voice. Though I like him, I can move on. Thanks

Why don’t you just ask him? It looks to me like he’s not the only one who is uncertain and “shy.” The two of you are in your 40s but you are acting like uncertain teenagers. I suggest you stop guessing about him and his motives and take a more direct approach. You could gently say something like, “I’m confused. You seem interested in me but you don’t talk to me much. I’m interested in you. How about we go out for coffee and get to know each other?”

As for my guesses about him: He may be hesitant to approach you when other people are around. He may have social phobia. He may have Aspergers or high-functioning autism. He may have a huge crush on you that makes it hard for him to respond to you when he is thinking about it. When surprised, he didn’t have time to get scared. Maybe you are making too much of all this and he doesn’t know how to tell you to stop without hurting you. I don’t know. Neither do you. Go for that coffee and find out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 4, 2011 0 comment

Did I marry the wrong person?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 3rd, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife and I have known each other for 4 1/2 years now, and have been married for 1 year. I would like to know if you feel that I am in a healthy marriage with the right person. If not, I would like any suggestions in order to rectify the situation.

When single, I (as anyone does) always had the image/persona of the type of woman that I wanted to marry. My biggest criterion was that she had to be chaste and carry herself like a “lady”. It may seem judgmental, but I always had the idea that I would separate how I treated a “fun” woman and one to be taken seriously, even though I was promiscuous myself at the time. Well, during our dating period, we started off really strong and enjoyed each other’s company exceedingly. Furthermore, she had the appearance and conversation of a chaste woman, so I sort of assumed that she was. I pretty much cut off all ties to the woman that I was dating at the time (the other woman and I were at the end of a non-committal relationship) to concentrate on the woman who would become my wife. However, during the time that we were dating, a series of events occurred that has me thinking to this day if I am with the right person. The first was that we started sleeping together after knowing each other for about 2 months (a little too soon for a woman that I usually consider “serious” material) and not even being in a committed relationship at the time (I had a double standard at the time). The second occurrence was when I found out (she initiated the confession) 8 months after we met (and 4 after we started dating) that she actually was in a relationship when we met. This means that she was cheating on her then-boyfriend when we slept together. To top it off, she was having a physical (but not sexual) relationship with another guy at the same time. Third was when I found out (by this time I started snooping due to my mistrust of her) that she lied to me about conversing with a friend. To explain, she had a married male friend that tried to take things further with her, but she denied him and told me that she cut off all contact with him. Well, he came back and apologized to her. They resumed contact, but she acted to me as if they were still not talking. Fourth was when I saw a flirty email (again, through snooping) that she replied to a guy on a social networking site. This was right after we got engaged and 3 years after we began dating! I considered this an act of infidelity, but she did not. I feel that it’s more understandable (but still unacceptable) to practice infidelity when first becoming committed to someone, but not after 3 years.

In spite of all of these caution flags, I went on with the engagement and marriage. In hindsight, I feel that the fact that she became pregnant when we were dating played a larger role than it should in me wanting to marry her. I just could not imagine one of her boyfriends doing something to my child, like I see so many times in the news. I haven’t found anything incriminating in 19 months, so I feel that she just may have changed. But I also feel that any day now I will come home and find another man in our house. I know that I have a past just like her, but the fact that much of this stuff has occurred while we supposedly committed really rubs me the wrong way. I just sometimes have the feeling that I could have done better if I had been more patient in choosing my partner. I don’t really think that she understands why I don’t trust her. I don’t feel that our values are in line, and I feel that I will need to have a large hand in instilling those chaste and honesty principles in our daughters. Like I’ve said, it been 19 months since the latest known occurrence, but I don’t trust her or respect her like a husband should with his wife. It’s almost like sleeping with an open eye all the time, and that’s how I’ve sort of treated my heart with her.
Thanks for reading.

I don’t know that you married the wrong person but your wife probably did. In spite of the fact that you both have a similar history, in spite of the fact that she didn’t get pregnant on her own, in spite of the fact that she has given you nothing to complain about for almost two years, you continue to snoop and accuse. If she has any self-esteem left, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she gave up on you.

At your age, you are unlikely to find a woman who will meet your exacting specifications and who will tolerate your double standard. I think you must know that. So I have to wonder if you want to be married at all. Better that you should own that about yourself than to subject a woman who loves you to constant criticism and testing.

Of course, complicating things considerably is that you brought a child into the world. Although I sympathize with your concern about possible harm by someone in relationship with her mother, the current situation isn’t healthy for her either. The relationship you have with her mother isn’t a positive role model for marriage.

Because a child is involved, I do think it important for you to at least give counseling a try. I hope you will give your wife the respect she deserves and give your marriage a chance. With some serious self-examination, you may be able to deal with your issues of trust and commitment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 14, 2009 0 comment