Tag:

Atheist

Asking big, big questions

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 1, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: From a Florida teen: (This is a much-edited post.)
Hey there, A couple years ago (sometime around the summer tenth or eleventh grade) I began see an advantage to an atheist life. I’ve never pegged myself to be a guy with mental problems-but rest assured I went quite crazy at times. The biggest turning point was when the pressure of having to do what was right according to Christiantiy’s standards surrounded me, consuming everything I enjoyed sexually, or else wise. I felt this ever looming feeling of doom of the invisible force everyone calls god always breathing down my shoulder, his voice telling me everything was wrong, and everything being ripped away from me before I knew it. I decided the only way to stop such paranoia was to not believe in a god at all. With no existence of a god, there’d be no invisible forces out there.

This lifestyle switch brought on many advantages:I use to pray for things and do nothing, now I would get up and actually make them happen-discovering prayer wasn’t what got me what I wanted and not a requirement at all in the first place has moved me towards getting a lot of my goals done. The, “thank god,” aspect has completely left me. And that paranoid fear of having a talent or something tooken away from me because it’s ‘god’s not yours’ has long left me-leaving my accomplishments, abilities, and talents seeing no limit. Life is stress free not feeling like I’ll be struck by lightning for no reason, or ‘tooken away because god says it’s your time.’ Basically what I had back when I was religious was a fear of a powerful invisible force that could strike with certain disaster, or take everything away from you at any giving moment.

The problem is that I feel guilty about my decision. I loved my (step)dad-and he was quite the religious man. Buying candles, praying, and all that jazz. He died of cancer back when I was in middle school. One aspect of guilt comes from the feeling that he’d likely be very unhappy with a choice of anyone in his family to not have a belief in god. A HUGE factor of my guilt comes from my family. Every single one of them is religious (with the exception of a few more who never go to church with the exception of a wedding or two). Especially my grandma I live with. After her accident, she became interested in church again-and wanted to drag me along, having not known about my atheist urges. When it comes to her she doesn’t invite, she just says you’re going and you are. And I said, “I don’t like religion.” she goes nuts. She’s never heard about the paranoid struggles I had with it, and never wants to hear it. I was forced to go a max of a few times before she finally went on her own, I haven’t had to go back since-and she sounds quite happy, always talking to her husband (who also doesn’t go) about her experiences there. I feel (and have felt) very relieved. She hasn’t told me, but it looks like she’s accepted the fact that I’m just not a church guy from what I see.

And that’s it really-all the same stuff I mentioned before hand. I’ve discovered what secular humanism is and have been looking into it since then, and I truly believe I am the closest to a secular-humanist. I cite my reasons for an absence in a religion to be a rapidly growing lack of superstition. I don’t believe in luck, don’t think anything bad is gonna happen when I open an umbrella in doors, know black cats are cute little things, although honestly some things are still wearing off (ghosts for example are still hanging on). Religion falls in the mix-no invisible guy that there’s no psychical proof of is going to do anything to me.

But the guilt factor has shot up again. Here comes the reason for this post-the big shocker, the sole reason for all the guilt in the world from my prospective atheist lifestyle. A very good friend of my late father, and a good friend of mines gave me a medal for graduation, with the virgin Mary painted in it. “Here take this,” he says, “See that? That’s the heart of god,” he pointed to a tiny heart on the painting, “This way it will always be with you.” “This is blessed by the Pope! Don’t lose it, put it on your keys, or something, always keep it with you.” Although I wasn’t in the least bit thrilled about it, I stuck it in my pocket, and threw on a smile. The guilt of even keeping it killed me. Keeping it meant I was ready to be sucked back into that paranoid lifestyle, that all good in my life was because god and not me-meaning my life wasn’t even my life at all, and could be tooken away from me at any second, the usual unexplainable stress that asscociated me with my relgiious lifestyle. So I threw it away.

Thus comes my guilt, a friend of my father, and a man with such good intentions. The voice told me, “Someday you need to be an honest adult about your views-tell these people how you feel, be honest.”
This double-life of sorts with it’s positives have always had the negatives underlying it a step away, and they are as follows:
*My African-American descent makes me feel like I’m disagreeing with legends such as MLK, or siding with evil Atheist based organizations. I have a fear that an extreme dislike of religion would eventually consume everything I love. I felt especially a lot of guilt for the military who fight by this phrase “God Bless AMeria”. Nothing really curbs this one beyond just ignoring it, and remembering our (magnificent) founding fathers said, ‘freedom of religion’.And of course:*My deceased father-Remembering how much he loved me, and how religious he was, and all the things he did for me is the biggest factor.

Other than that, the positives are still there. But my split mind can’t help but for a split second still feel the tangs of the Dark Side in choosing a non-religious lifestyle. Philosophies and just being a good person in general have become my lifestyle. Is that enough?

Thank you if you can help me, thank you.

I’m very impressed with the complexity of your thinking. You are asking the huge questions and not settling for easy answers. This is what people your age should be doing. Any value, religious or otherwise, that is simply accepted without careful thought can’t stand up to a big challenge. So please don’t minimize what you’re doing by accusing yourself of making unnecessary “epic struggles.” These struggles are big because they are very important. You are working hard to define yourself in a way that will let you live your life with integrity.

I don’t know where you will eventually land on the question of religion or a particular religion. You have a good mind that won’t be satisfied until you’ve done more exploration. In the meantime, I see you doing your best to be a decent man who strives to take responsibility for himself while still being respectful of the people who love him. That’s something to be proud of.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 1, 2024 0 comments

Can I Get a Diagnosis?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 27, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I just want help. I know you can’t diagnose me through the internet, but can you at least help me narrow it down? Here are some characteristics of mine.

I have to have everything end in five or zero.
If it doesn’t, then I have an anxiety attack.
I have very strange fantasies. They usually contain gore, violence and rape. Me causing the destruction usually.
I have strange fetishes. I mainly like furry, clop and lolicon/hentai.
I’m a bisexual atheist.
I love contorting myself in strange positions, especially when I’m sitting down in a desk.
I can’t sit still.
I draw a face on paper, and I talk to it. Sometimes to the point were I might fight with it. The only way to make him be quiet is to draw his mouth sewn up.
I smoke marijuana.
I don’t hear voices, nor do I see things.
Sometimes I hear someone call my name, but then I find out I’m home alone.
Some days I’m happy. Other days I’m sad. No real consistency.
I’m superstitious.
My parents don’t know much of my life.
My friends don’t know parts of my life.
I can’t focus for more than 10 minutes on something.
I find death boring or funny. Ex. I laugh at the holocaust and I don’t really care about the Boston Bombing.
Torture is funny in my opinion.
I spend nearly 2/3 of my life on the internet/computer.
I can’t have a relationship for more than 2 weeks. Main reason is because I don’t want my family to find out.
I’m to scared to have a relationship. for the reason shown above.
I can’t take “no” for an answer.
I hate losing.
I don’t bathe that much.
I don’t want to go to a therapist. Again, I don’t want my parents to know.
I’m very creative.
I want bad things to happen to me.

I have tried many tests, and some possible disorders are OCD, DID/MPD and Schizophrenia. I took a test to see if I have ADD or ADHD, and I don’t.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Help me out by telling me some possible disorders.

What an interesting person you are! Yes, you certainly are creative. You’re right. I can’t make a diagnosis on the Internet. What I can tell you, though, is that the first thing we’d be talking about if you were to see me is that 2/3 of your life on the Internet and your use of marijuana. The two may not be a mix that your brain can tolerate.

You are not living in the world. You are checking out in ways that are not helping you one bit. You can’t learn to be in a relationship without being in one. You can’t have a better relationship with your folks by hiding in your room and not sharing things with them. Ditto with your friends. You can’t learn how to tolerate losing now and then without taking real risks with other people. And you can’t substitute online tests for an evaluation by a real live therapist.

So — my best advice to you is this: Take a shower, turn off the computer for a week, stop smoking weed and hang out with some friends instead. Talk to your parents about seeing a counselor. See what happens. Just doing all that honestly for a week will give you more information about yourself than another online test.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 27, 2021 0 comments

Abusive, Alcoholic Relative

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 2, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

The title says it all. I have a brother in law who has always been a big drinker. However, two years ago, doctors found a brain tumor. They caught it before it could get any worse, and his MRI’s have been coming up perfect ever since.

The problem is the fact that since then, his drinking has become much worse. He is not allowed to drink because of the medications he takes, but he lies and does so anyway. He has hurt himself – passing out drunk in the middle of streets, crashing while bike riding, the list goes on.

He has also become an abusive husband. He has admitted to it, and has apologized to our families about it all and promised to change. He was doing well for a few months but it has started again. While sitting in a car, he grabs the wheels and makes you go into oncoming traffic, he is rude, lies, and most of all, doesn’t appreciate the support he has. He is currently seeing a psychiatrist, and has been attending AA meetings, but he is also an atheist, so it hasn’t taken him very far.

My question is more for myself. How can I help him? My first reaction is anger. I know I’m not going to solve anything with that, but I just don’t know what to say or do anymore. How can I not be mad at him for being abusive? How can I not be mad at him for wishing he was dead instead of being granted this second chance at life after beating cancer? What can I do or say to help him? I’ve tried to get him to talk, but he’s a shrugs his shoulders kind of guy. Nothing seems to get through. I’m at a total loss. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The first thing to do is to talk to a neurologist. Before assuming that this is a psychological problem, it’s important to rule out the possibility that he can’t help it. You didn’t mention where the tumor was located in your brother-in-law’s brain. Depending on where it was located, there could be brain damage that accounts for some of his behavior. It sounds like his executive function may be seriously impaired.

Unfortunately, doctors don’t always talk to each other and they often only get the information that the patient chooses to give them. See if there is a way to make sure the psychiatrist is aware of his medical history and aware of his current behavior. (You didn’t mention how you are related. The closest relative is often someone who can get a patient to agree to be accompanied to an appointment.)

If he is medically clear, then it’s possible that he is so deep in his addiction, he can’t get clear of it. Sadly, AA doesn’t work for everyone. For some people, the emphasis on spirituality makes it a non-starter. Further, since it is a totally volunteer organization, the quality of the group – and the help – is dependent on who is in it at the time. Some groups have members who really work well together and work the program. But sometimes groups become just a forum for mutual complaining. I suggest you talk to your doctor about whether there is a group with another approach in your area or if there is an AA group that is known to be seriously down to business. If there isn’t an alternative group, there may be a psychologist or addictions counselor in private practice who has a different approach. Of course, your brother-in-law may not go, no matter what you say.

Meanwhile — DON’T get in a car with him. No one should! Tell his doctor what he’s done while driving. It may be grounds for losing his license.

Encourage his wife to see a counselor. If she is putting up with his behavior out of love and her own gratitude for his recovery from cancer, she may be inadvertently enabling his alcoholism. She needs support to take care of herself and her kids. She may not be able to help him but she can protect herself and her children.

This is a terrible situation. It’s terribly sad to lose someone like this. All you can do is the best you can do. Love him the best you can but stay safe yourself and encourage others to do the same.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

April 2, 2021 0 comments