Tag:

Bad Habit

Anxiety and nail-biting

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 8, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I have been biting my nails and biting/picking the skin around my nails since I can remember, probably 8-10 years old. I used to pick at my acne very badly, but I found the cause of my acne and my face has cleared so it’s not a problem anymore. I have tried to stop many times, thinking it was merely a bad habit, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, or how much progress I make, I can’t rid myself of the issue. It’s definitely much better then it was when I was doing it unhindered, but my husband has taken a great interest in helping me stop doing it and supporting me.

I just feel like its something I can never fully stop. I seem to do it consciously when I’m stressed, but it also seems to just happen unconsciously to keep my hands busy. I have a very hard time staying focused if I’m not doing something with my hands, like doodling/picking/knitting, etc.

I also consider myself a very anxious person. I don’t know if maybe this contributes to my bad habit. I think my level of anxiety is not proportionate to the problems I face, but I don’t know how to regulate it. The last time I had a job interview, I was shaking, sweating, and on the verge of tears. I KNEW it was crazy. I was prepared for the interview. I just can’t make myself calm down. If I have a long shift the next day, I will panic for hours the day before wondering how I will ever make it through the day. Social interactions that involve me being judged/rated/scrutinized (even in a positive way) make me especially nervous, and I especially fear confrontational situations.

Those are just a few examples, but occasionally I feel like the anxiety “builds up” .. every 1-1.5 months I kind of have a “breakdown”. I’m getting better at managing them, because I can feel it coming.. like I just have a generalized feeling (for days) of outright fear and panic, despite no apparent causes. During these phases I can get stuck in these cycles of horrible thoughts, things I shouldn’t need to worry about, like what will happen after I die, and if my husband will be there when I die, or my husband hating me, or other bad things which I know aren’t true but I can’t convince myself otherwise.
I also get in a state where I can’t, like, pick something to do. I’ll have several things, work on this craft project, watch a movie, surf the web, do laundry, but I can’t pick anything. I’ll waste hours fumbling around doing something I’m not interested in while I try to decide on something I am. By then I’ve wasted so much time I get frustrated. It’s like I spend so much time trying to decide what the best use of my time is that I end up throwing it all away.

I also have an insane fear/stress of being in darkness alone? Like I can’t walk through a darkened room, I have to go into the next room/hallway and turn on the next light before turning off the room I’m in so I’m not stuck in an unlighted area. I’m afraid of ghosts/aliens/supernatural beings.. I know they aren’t real but I can’t cope with not doing it. Before I started living with my husband, I’d do this, but now that he’s started working at night and I sleep by myself it’s happening again.. I can’t sleep unless I’m totally surrounded by items/pillows/etc.. it’s like they keep me safe somehow. I also need several layers of blankets. If I don’t I literally can not sleep, I know this sounds stupid/childish, I THINK it while I do these things but I can’t not do them. When my husband is there I don’t need the other things!

These are things I’ve been living with for a long time, so it’s not an emergency, but I’m looking for advice to help cope with my stress and self-inflicted wounds. I don’t have health insurance, while I’d love to see a therapist I don’t know how to find one that’s affordable. I do plan on seeking help when a health plan is available to me but until then any advice is appreciated. I also apologize, I know a lot of these things sound crazy and I feel a little silly typing them, but I just really want some help. I’ve been watching shows and reading about OCD (which some say skin picking is linked to) but I just don’t feel like my issues are that severe? I mean besides the skin picking, I don’t repeat any of these actions over and over again?
-Confused? Anxious?

What a hard way to live. Everything on your list is related to anxiety in one way or another. Even the nail biting is a common way that some kids learn to do to manage their anxious feelings. Surrounding yourself with pillows is quite literally a way you have to cushion yourself in a world that you find anxiety-provoking and scary.

Usually this kind of pervasive anxiety is a result of three things: a temperament that is higher strung and more sensitive than most; insufficient coping skills, and experiences you’ve had in your life that tell you you absolutely do have legitimate things to worry about. You can’t change your temperament but you can learn many more ways to help yourself calm down and live more comforably.

Ideally, you should find a therapist to help you learn the coping skills you lack. But if that support isn’t available to you, you can work on yourself with some well-chosen self help books and a support system on line. I recommend “Feeling Good” by David Burns as a solid place to start.

Please stop scolding yourself for being who you are and start working on making life more manageable. Since your husband is an important support for you, perhaps the two of you can work on the exercises in the book together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 8, 2023 0 comments

Turning into Abusive Dad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 5, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was a child my father always insulted me. I remember he made me cry almost everyday when we were doing my homework because I couldn’t do things right. He made fun of me when I got things wrong or just kept screaming at me. He treated me as if I had no opinions or will, I remember he used to tell me “Don’t ask, you are only here to obey!”. I don’t remember much about my mother being there, she’s still living with us, I just don’t remember what she told me or did back then, she just tells me that she was scared of him.

Now that I’m 22, I realise that this has impacted me in a big way. I’m almost like him; I’m always arguing with people, I don’t have many friends, always pointing out negative things people have and the thing that made me come here is that I can’t have a girlfriend. Every time I like a girl (3 until now), instead of feeling good I start to feel bad, it hurts, not because she doesn’t like me back, it just hurts even at the beginning when I have a couple of days of meeting her. A friend told me it was fear of being rejected or not accepted as I am just like my father used to do back when I was a child.

What can I do to fix this? I don’t hate my father, I just know he was treated the same way he is treating me. Sometimes he tells me things to bother me or insult and even though I feel bad at the moment, I say to myself “I don’t care”.
Thanks.

Children tend to learn what they live. Just as your father learned to be a negative, judgmental man from his father, you’ve learned the same thing from him. But here’s the good thing: Anything we learn, we can unlearn. Being judgmental and critical isn’t genetic. It’s just the result of picking up a bad habit.

Give yourself lots of credit for recognizing the problem. And listen to your friend. I think he’s onto something. You can change this. Really. You can. You are only 22. You still have a lot of growing and developing yet to do.

Start disciplining yourself to say 3 positive things for every negative thing you say. Practice random acts of kindness. Make a promise to yourself to do several small favors for others every day – and do it. Ask your friend to catch you whenever you are doing something generous, kind or positive. You need positive feedback. And – do the same thing for your dad. He needs to start hearing about what he is doing right too. Whenever he does or says the least little thing that is positive, let him know how much you appreciate it. The most important thing is to be genuine about it. If it sounds sarcastic, this will backfire. If you can be more generous with compliments, it will be contagious.

A turnaround won’t happen instantly but it will happen. Keep a private journal or what you are doing and how it is going. I suspect that in about 3 months, if you do these things, you will begin to see a shift in your family and in your own attitude.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 5, 2021 0 comments

How do I end it?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 13, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I thought for many years that I lack emotion and as I get older I have come to realize that this is true and has been present since childhood; pictures that I have taken I noticed that I never smiled. I have been trying very hard to fit in and express the correct emotion by studying others in a given situation. I suffer from social anxiety and isolating myself doesn’t improve my situation. Despite this I am a union representative at work and I am an excellent student in college; although I would prefer to be a missionary but I know I have a bad habit of doing what is expected.

I know I meet all of the criteria’s of a loner but I wanted to change that so I decided to get married. I thought this would help me fit in and may help me express emotion naturally. I have been living a lie trying to convince others that I party and drink just what they expect but it gets difficult and confusing trying to be someone else; I just figured I would become that someone else. I know I jumped the gun thinking about marriage since I have never had a boyfriend or been sexually active.

Anyway, I met a guy at work and I knew I shouldn’t have but we started seeing each other but have kept our relationship a secret because other men would be jealous. We have known each other for 2 years and I guess dating for 2 months if that’s what people call it. We were intimate about 3 weeks ago and I didn’t feel pleasure or pain for that matter. I thought this would work but it didn’t and I just want to crawl back in my shell; at least I tried.

The problem I am having now is that he is in love with me but I have no feeling for him at all. It disgusts me to kiss him or hug him. He’s not an unattractive guy; it’s just me. I don’t know how to break it off with him. He told me several times that he has had his heart broken and he really wants to settle down and given his age (34) I understand. However, I know I am not the one for him or anybody for that matter. I made a huge mistake and I don’t want to break his heart, although I don’t know what that feels like but I watch people become depressed after ending their relationships. I’m not worried about him causing trouble at work seeing that we are on different shifts and I am his union representative and he needs me (I just got this position otherwise I wouldn’t have pursued this relationship; other than this we are equal status employees).
How do I end this relationship?

Gently and soon. I do understand what you were trying to do. I do applaud you for taking some risks. But this man deserves to have someone in his life who loves him wholeheartedly, not someone who is in the relationship primarily to struggle with her own issues. Follow your good instincts. Thank him for his love and attention. Tell him some of what you have told me to make it clear to him that it isn’t about him but rather that it is about your own unresolved problems. Let him know that you wish it were different and that he is a fine and good person in your eyes. Free him to find someone who can reciprocate his love.

Then get some therapy. Your impulse to make change is a good one! Anxiety is treatable. There are better ways to handle it than living this double life. Furthermore, there are reasons you feel so disconnected from others – and from yourself. Therapy will help you understand yourself better and will help you develop a more honest approach to life. You deserve to be able to look in the mirror each day and feel that you are a person with integrity. It’s lonely in that shell of yours. I think you also deserve to have help developing into the kind of genuine person you want to be. I searched the web for mental health services in your city. There are several centers that offer the full range of psychiatric and counseling services. Please ask your doctor or someone you trust for a recommendation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 13, 2011 0 comments

How are you supposed to stop feeling so depressed if you don’t want to go to/tell anyone?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 6, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My life at home is really really stressful and my relationship with two out of three siblings is TERRIBLE. School is a pain and I hate to admit that I actually feel SCARED to go most of the time or even think about it because I’m just feeling so confused about it and all the amount of work that I have to do for it is daunting. I also have AP exams and school exams coming up soon and am feeling totally lost about it all so the stress in that particular area of my life is seriously mounting. Friends? Lets just not get into that. I can’t sleep either and am getting five or so hours a day lately.

I feel like complete and utter crap most of the time and I really want to stop feeling like this nearly 24/7 but I don’t want to TELL anyone including friends or parents that I’m having such a hard time. Call it a pride thing, be being stubborn, or just plain stupid. I honestly don’t care. I just want to fix this problem on my own but I don’t know how.

OK. You have already made the important first step of admitting there is a problem. The first thing you can do on your own to make yourself feel better is to work on your sleep. Human beings, especially adolescent human beings, are not wired to function on only five or so hours a night. You really need more like 8. Read up on how to turn your sleep around. Set up a schedule. Make sure to get all stressful things done and out of the way long before bedtime. Don’t drink coffee or caffeinated soda after lunch. Get some exercise in every day. Give it an honest try for at least a week. If it doesn’t iimprove at all, that it could be that the sleeplessness is a symptom of depression. But my first guess is that it’s a bad habit. Let’s at least start there.

Next, have a serious talk with yourself about whether you really want and need to do AP work in all your classes. Are they required for your eventual goals or have you gotten caught up in something that really isn’t necessary? I know this is heretical talk in some circles but it isn’t necessary to have straight As and all AP courses to get into many very good colleges. Admissions officers are looking for people who do other things besides studying all the time. Have a clear discussion with your guidance counselor about how to reduce your stress.

Still feeling terrible? Get a checkup if you haven’t already. There are many medical problems that show up with the same symptoms as depression. You may have a vitamin deficiency, for example.

Still no good? Sigh. Now you have to rethink your position about not telling anyone. Ask your doctor if she or he has a suggestion for someone to talk to who has experience working with teens and their families. In the meantime, you can try using the Boys and Girls Town hotlline as a place where you can remain anonymous but still get some support and practical help with your problems. Their number is 800-448-3000.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 6, 2011 0 comments