Being A Father Archives

My boyfriend and i have been together for two and a half years. We have an 11 month old daughter together. Lately he says he is losing interest in me and he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore and he wants to get his own place. our sex life when we got together was amazing and now we don’t hardly ever have sex and he is always at his friends house. never home to spend any time with me or our daughter. He is constantly packing his stuff and saying we are done and then leaves but then is back within the hour or so. The longest he stayed away was two weeks but then he came back. Things had been going well or so i thought but i just do not know what to do. I feel like i’m being needy but i just want to spend time with my boyfriend instead of him constantly going over to friends house whenever we get off work. Its affecting my daughter as well. She doesn’t see her dad but maybe an hour out of the day. I am at a loss. i love him and i dont see myself with anyone else

You and your boyfriend got together when you were only 18. At 20, you had a baby. It sounds to me like you boyfriend is ambivalent about taking on adult responsibilities and being a father. On the one hand, he probably loves his little girl and still has strong feelings for you. On the other hand, he may feel he gave up his youth too soon. If his friends are single and responsibility-free, it makes it even harder for him to move to the next stage of adult life.

The two of you need to have a very serious talk about what each of you wants out of life and your relationship. You are parents but you aren’t married. That alone tells me that both of you have had some reservations. You may not see yourself with anyone else, but you didn’t make a total commitment either.

I think you need to take a big step back from assuming you are going to be together. Come at the talk as a decision you both have to make. Are you both going to give up the single life? Are you going to marry? Are you both ready to do what it takes to make a permanent relationship with each other and a two-parent home for your daughter? If not, how are you going to co-parent? Ideally, your daughter will have both a mother and a father who are actively involved in her care and in her life. How are you going to support her financially?

You may need some help to have a productive conversation about these difficult and emotional issues. If you find you get nowhere when you try it on your own, I hope the two of you will see a couples counselor for a few sessions. The counselor’s office can give you both a safe place to say what you feel and to figure out what you want for the three of you in the future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am a 19 year mother, i have a daughter who is 2 and im currently 4 months pregnant. I am with my baby on the way’s father, and he told me that we would live together and have this great life. Once we found out i was pregnant, he told me i couldn’t tell his parents till he was out of school, when he finished school, he said not to tell them till they got back from their cruise, and i can’t tell my parents because they told me they would kick me out. My dad always yells at me for dumb things, and when he gets upset at me he always says to get out and find somewhere else to live. I wish i could, but i have no one else. I dont have a job or go to school and i dont have a car or my liscense. I have been trying really hard to do all those things but no one wants to help me out. I get so upset because i was so happy to have this baby and everyday it seems like this happy moment is turning into a nightmare. I cry everyday because sometimes i feel like having this baby is the worst thing i ever could do, but its not the babys fault. I just need some advice on what i should do.

You’re right. It’s not the baby’s fault. Clearly you think you are old enough to be a mother (You even listed motherhood as your occupation.) so it’s time you started acting like one. Mothers protect their children and do what they need to do to take care of them. Your boyfriend isn’t interested in being a father or partner in raising your kids. Its not wise to depend on him to take care of things. He’s already shown that he isn’t going to do it. Nonetheless, it’s time he manned up and told his parents. If he won’t, you have a right to. His parents are the grandparents to your child. They may or may not offer a helping hand. Your parents have probably done all they feel they can. They have given you and your daughter a home but are so frustrated with you that they threaten to kick you out. All this adds up to the fact that you can’t afford to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You’re on your own. Loving your daughter and your baby means growing up and shouldering the responsibilities that go with the occupation of raising kids.

Visit your local social service agencies and find out how to establish a home for yourself and your children. Finish your education and get into some kind of job training program so you can support them. I did a search on the web and found Clare House. I don’t have personal experience with the agency so I can’t comment on their services but it does seem like a place to start. Here’s a description from their website:

Clare House transitional shelter serves homeless women and children by providing a temporary home in a caring environment, life-skills programs and aftercare support leading to self-sufficiency. The program not only gives women and children a safe place to stay, but also assists clients in overcoming the barriers that brought them to their current situation of homelessness. The program includes a 90-120 day stay, intensive case-management services, agency collaborations and aftercare support.

If your parents will let you stay, you may not need the shelter. But you absolutely do need the case management services. Case management will help you figure out how to get health care, housing, some temporary support, food stamps, fuel assistance, etc. and, most important, will help you make a plan for becoming self-sufficient. You have five months until the baby is born. You can do a great deal toward making a stable home for you and your children in that amount of time if you put your mind to it.

You made an important first step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. Now take the next one. Make an appointment with an agency and get started on making a future. Your children need you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Being A Father

Boyfriend Losing Interest

I have no one to talk to