Tag:

Betrayal Of Trust

Can I Mend the Relationship with My Girlfriend’s Parents?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 21, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an 18 year old in Italy: My girlfriend and I are in a serious relationship for a long time now (both of us are in high school). We live very far from each other so we can’t see each other often. My girlfriend is younger than me so we can’t meet whenever we want, only when her parents approve that.

When I visited at their home (for the first time) and stayed there for a few days, her father called me before I came and talked to me about us (me and my girlfriend). He asked me to give me his word that we won’t have sex.

Long story short, we had sex and he found out about it. On the phone I gave him my word that I’ll do my best to avoid such thing but I suppose that he thought that I give my word that I won’t do it.

After he found out he was extreamly mad (he found out after I was gone) and said to my girlfriend things such as: “He betrayed me and he will betray you”. He also suggested her to end it with me because “I’ll betray her as well”. I really want her parents to like me because my relationship with her is very serious and hopefully, will last very very long.

I don’t know how to fix this and I’ve tried. I sent both of her parents a message in order to show them that I want to talk to them about what happened but they didn’t reply. I feel hopless because I can’t have bad relations with her parents.

I usually don’t type in these places but I need more opinions and tools to fix this mess.
Do you think they’ll forgive me in the end?
Do you think they’ll like me again?
Do you think they’ll think I am worthy for their daughter?

I don’t think this is relevant but I am very successful when it comes to studies and I am also very responsible and very mature. I tried to stop us from doing it but she was stubborn and after lots of “are you sure we should do this?”, we did it. I can’t bare that I am a disappointment to her parents because it’s not who I am. People are usually impressed by me so it also hurts.
Please help me with your opinion and take this seriously.

You are not as mature as you think you are. You are trying to avoid taking full responsibility by suggesting you only said you’d “do your best” to avoid sex, not that you gave your word. You then put blame on your girlfriend for being “stubborn”. Really? The father had every reason to believe that you were making a promise. He extended himself by allowing a visit and you did betray his trust. As the older person, it was your job to withstand your girlfriend’s insistence.

Your girlfriend is younger than you are. Her parents are only doing a parent’s job by being protective of her. Although her dad may be mistaken that betraying him means you would betray her, he does have grounds for wondering when a promise from you is meaningful.

I think it will take a long time for her parents to want to support your relationship again. Trust is one of those things that is hard to win and easy to lose. You and your girlfriend can try to repair the relationship with them but it will require that you both take full responsibility for breaking their trust. You will also probably have to accept that the only visits will be highly supervised.

You’ve had a hard lesson in what it means to be trustworthy. I hope you can learn from it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 21, 2023 0 comments

Don’t Trust Boyfriend

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. July 24, 2023

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now. I am 25 and he is 32. It is not long. However, in those 9 months, we have had countless trust issues on both my end and his. I believe (never confirmed) that he cheated on me in the first two weeks when I went to Chicago. After that, I cheated on him too within the first month. I regretted it deeply and never did it again. However, after he found out, he has lied to me many, many times and continues to blame it on me cheating 8 months ago. We pretty much live together and have been living together since we had been dating for like 3 months. We created a website together and the company that we did it for wanted to hire us both. It was a great opportunity for both of us so now we work together too. We spent every single hour together. The couple of times that he has asked me to go out and have a drink with a good friend, it has ended up that he has lied to me both times. The last time, he ended up very drunk and at a strip club (which I would have had no issues with if he would have been honest). I feel like every time he wants to have a drink with a friend, he is lying and wants to snoop around. I do not trust him at ALL. I wish I did. My question is: What do I do to learn to trust him? Is it common for this behavior to continue and never stop? But if we break up, we still work together and live together at this moment. What would be likely to produce the best outcome?? Please help!!

A: To be very direct, I think your relationship is doomed. Trust forms the foundation of intimate relationships and you and your boyfriend have never established it in the first place. You can’t get something back that you have never had. I would suggest that you cut your losses, learn from your mistakes and move on.

It is complicated by the fact that you live and work together, but not nearly as complicated as it would be if you were married, had children, owned a home together, etc. In my opinion it will be much easier to find alternative living arrangements and navigate boundaries of a professional relationship than it will be to heal from the damage that has already been done to your personal relationship. You may even discover that you no longer wish to work together and that may be a necessary sacrifice for your freedom.

If you can’t bring yourself to just break it off, I’d say finding a couple’s therapist is a must.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

July 24, 2023 0 comments

Am I Jealous or Just Insecure?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 11, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a really quiet 20-year-old girl. I don’t smoke, I don’t go partying. I moved to Canada a year ago and I met my boyfriend. He is amazing and I don`t really have anything to complain about him as a boyfriend.

The thing is, he is 7 years my senior. This hasn’t been an issue given I’m “mature” for my age, but every time I think of him with all the other girls he’s been with.. I have a really bad time. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of that and it’s worse when I think of it during sex. I don’t think I’m pretty and I’ve seen pics of his ex’s (because I’ve seached them) and they are so much prettier than me.

We will start living together in October-November and I get so jealous when I remember he lived with his ex of 5 years. He says he didn’t love her much and he never wanted to marry her, but he wants to marry me (He has even asked for my finger size). He cheated on her and she cheated on him, and he has told me stories because he says he doesn’t want to lie to me, but it worries me he might do that to me. Once a player…

I just want help on how to stop thinking about when he had sex with other people, his ex of 5 years, how do I know he has changed and how can I feel prettier and enough for him? This is really destroying me because everything is in my head… all images and overthinking. What can I do?

Also, he talks about partying and his “youth” and I know I will start college in January and I’ll have new friends and go out with them but sometimes I feel like I’m missing out even if I don’t want to be one of those girls.

thanks

You won’t like what I’m going to say but it must be said: You are in no way ready to move in with your boyfriend. I think your obsession with his past is how you are telling yourself exactly that.

You say that you are quiet, that you don’t like to party and that you are just about to start college. You’ve been with your guy for less than a year. My best guess is that you are clinging to this relationship because you are nervous about launching a new life at school.

Furthermore, you are not as mature as you think you are. You worry about whether you are pretty enough and you have gone searching for pictures of your boyfriend’s exes. Those behaviors do not indicate maturity and positive self-esteem.

College means new friends, new experiences, experimentation with new ideas and a developing sense of self. It is a difficult but very important transition for many young people. But it is an important time of self-discovery. All that will be minimized or even eliminated if you are trying to make a home and a life with your boyfriend.

Being 7 years your senior, your boyfriend has already gone through that developmental transition. He knows who he is and what he wants. From what you told us, I don’t think he’s a “player”. I think he reacted in an immature way to his cheating girlfriend when he was young. If he has matured, he will understand that you need time to do the same personal work that he did.

My advice to you is that you and your boyfriend take a big step back. By all means, enjoy each other’s company. But don’t be exclusive for at least a year. A 7 year age difference isn’t necessarily a big one, but this happens to be an important 7 years. You need to have the freedom to explore yourself and relationships before you commit to a lifetime with your current boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 11, 2022 0 comments

My Parents Don’t Believe that I Have a Mental Illness

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 12, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Australia: When I was younger (from 6-9) I used to pretend to be sick a lot so I didn’t have to go to school or to seem different,

Now that I’m in my early teens I thought I had anxiety. I waited a few months and after a few minor anxiety attacks I told my parents and they just laughed and said that they highly doubt I have anxiety (my mother then later had anxiety attacks and acted like it was the worst thing to ever grace the earth, telling everyone and still refused to believe that I had anxiety)

now that I am in my late teens I believe that I may have depression, I don’t feel strongly connected to anyone anymore, I feel very isolated even when I’m in large groups at school or parties, I constantly feel like no one wants me around or i’m annoying everyone, I have trouble paying attention in conversations and I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore (it takes me a couple hours to fall asleep), I do not feel suicidal at all so i’m still hesitant on whether or not

I really do have depression, I waited a few months and tried talking to my parents again but they still think I’m just faking it or am over thinking this, am I? I don’t know how to talk to them about my mental health if they don’t believe me, I also cannot speak to our school counsellor about anything because they either only speak to people with diagnosed mental illnesses or can only speak about school-related issues like bullying.

I would need much more information to give you a definite answer. Sadly, the at least part of the reason that you aren’t believed now is a result of pretending you were sick when you were younger. It’s a hard lesson in the long term consequences of lying. On the other hand, you were just a kid then. You shouldn’t be held accountable now for something you did 10 years ago.

I’m most concerned about your report that you aren’t sleeping. Yes, that can be a symptom of depression. But it can also be a cause of at least some of what you are feeling. A sleep disorder can have enormous impact on energy, mood, and the ability and willingness to interact with others. Keep a sleep log for a couple of weeks. If you aren’t getting an average of 6 – 9 hours of sleep per night, it’s likely that sleep deprivation is at least part of the problem.

I think your first step should be a talk with your medical doctor. Share what you have told me. Show him or her your sleep log. It is possible that there is a hormonal issue as well as a sleep issue. If so, you need treatment for those issues before deciding that you have a mental health diagnosis.

If your doctor thinks that you do have depression, he or she will also make an appropriate referral to a mental health professional for an evaluation. That will lead to a better conversation between you and your parents.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 12, 2022 0 comments