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Big Brother

Can’t Get Past Brother Sexually Abusing Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 11th, 2022

Hello, I’m 17-year old girl. I’ve been experiencing a slight incest-ish sexual abuse. One and the first of them was by my big brother who was 18 at the time. (we have two years of age gap so I was 16)

It was midnight or so, late nevertheless. I was watching a movie with him in his room, when suddenly he sat behind me and started fondling my breasts. I didn’t know what to say about it, I have a fierce temper so you’d think I’d tell him to stop, but somehow I was too confused. He had this playful attitude, like it was some game, so I decided to let him do what he pleases until he gets bored. He actually mentioned a few things what he thinks of incest, that just the society prevents it and he thinks it’s a natural thing.

Eventually I left his room since it began to make me really nervous. I got in my own room and started doing stuff on my computer. After a while, he came in and sat on my bed watching what I was doing. Then he again started touching my breasts and I finally told him to stop. He again had this ‘playful’ attitude, and just continued saying it’s not that bad. I decided to let it pass, because I was a bit tired since it was late. But then his hand went to my crotch. I grabbed on to his hand and this time irritated told him to cut it off. Again, he just said “come on”. I don’t know why I let him do it. He eventually started fingering, and I just tried to pretend I didn’t care and continued surfing in the internet. In the end he got bored, left saying “well, nevermind if you don’t like it.”

Next day I couldn’t look him in to eye, and when the other family was having a dinner in the downstairs, I spent my time crying in my room. I felt horrible and used. It has been about two years since it happened, but I can’t forget it even if I wanted to.

Our parents don’t know about this, and I can’t tell them. I don’t want to be a poor helpless victim and break the family apart.

I imagine you are feeling guilty that you didn’t scream at him to stop. I want you to know that your reaction is common. When someone is violated by a person they trust, the response is often disbelief, bewilderment, and confusion. The perpetrator takes advantage of that. Some even then try to convince the victim that she consented to the situation because she didn’t say “no.” Some rely on the confusion of the victim to enable them to continue the abuse.

You mention that the event was only the first of situations that make you uncomfortable. Please don’t let yourself minimize what’s going on. This is sexual abuse. It is not normal. It is not okay. It is not something your brother can justify by some notion that he knows better than society. Regardless of what he thinks, he lives in a society where there are social rules and laws that protect children and teens from unwanted sexual advances.

The upset in the family that is likely to come from telling your parents doesn’t make you the person who “breaks the family.” Your brother already did that. How will you ever have the same relationship with him again? Why would you want to come home if you know he might be there? How will you manage to relax at home if you are ever alone with him? His actions have already changed how you feel about yourself and how you relate to him and your whole family. Your brother is unlikely to “outgrow” his attitude. The consequences of what he’s done won’t just go away if ithe problem is ignored.

Your parents can’t help you – or your brother – if they don’t know there is a problem. You owe it to yourself to turn to the parents who love you to tell them what’s been happening. You need support. He needs psychological help. Your family needs to heal.

If you are having difficulty talking to your parents, it might be helpful to share your letter and this response with them as a way to begin. Tell them that I strongly urge you all to get involved with some family therapy to help you manage the situation.

It makes me terribly sad and angry that you’ve been dealing with this for over a year. I hope with all my heart that you will reach out to get the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 11, 2022 0 comment

Why do my sisters hate me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 6th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello everyone, I am 21. i have two little sisters, one is two years and the other one is five years younger than me and an elder brother(4 years older than me). we were very happy together, we were united like one big happy family. my brother loved someone, that girl was very possessive, she did not like me and my bro and she stopped talking to me when they got married its been three years now. even my two little sisters supported me and they also stopped talking to my brother…

last year in January, i came to know that my sister is going out with someone, i met that guy, that guy was not a good guy at all, i warned my sister… my sister stopped talking to me and she told my brother everything about that guy, my brother and his wife supported her. as from that day my sister stopped talking to me, she always use to show me that she is very happy and does not need my sisterly affection, i was very depressed, i use to cry in my room everyday, thinking how my sister turned out to be so indifferent to me, i even tried to talk to her, but she would just turn her face off… she would consider my brother’s wife greater than me, i am as just nothing to her now…

yesterday, that guy broke up with her, she cried a lot, i tried talking to her but still she did not talk to me well… what shall i do, please help me… i really love my sisters and i want our happy back… even mom and dad are worried and sad when they see that we sisters are not that close now… please help me… why is it that we take so much time to build relationships and strangers come and break it so easily??? i have cried for almost one year, my sisters did not talk to me well…. i got depressed to such an extent that i was not able to follow my lectures at the university… but in all this my parents supported me but they did not say anything to my brothers and sisters concerning me… my dad said “have faith in god, he will set everything right, have patience”… by the way my brother’s wife does not talk to my dad and my mom as well…
please help us…

I’m so very sorry that this situation is hurting you so much. When a family has been close, it is especially hard to go through tough times.

I think the situation with your brother is different than with your sisters. Your brother is in a terrible situation. His wife is asking him to choose between her and his family. No one should ever be asked to choose between the people he loves. I don’t know why she wants to separate him from his parents and sisters. Sometimes this happens because the wife is threatened by the closeness of the original family and wants her husband all to herself. She doesn’t realize that your family could become an important support for her. And she doesn’t realize that often a husband in this situation eventually resents having to make the choice.

In the situation with your brother, my suggestion to you is that you keep an open heart and mind and be as friendly as you can be to him and his wife when you do see them. Usually this kind of situation eventually settles down – as long as people don’t make a big issue of it. At some point, your brother is probably going to feel secure enough with his wife that he will let her know that he misses his family.

With your sisters: I think something different is going on. Your younger sister is at a developmental stage where she is trying to find her own identity. She needs to figure things out for herself and make her own decisions. At this stage, she needs you to listen sympathetically and to let her know that you think she can make the right decisions. She doesn’t want advice from you. She only wants your support. If you try to tell her what to do, she will push you away. It doesn’t matter if you are right. As difficult (and as unfair) as it might be, the best thing you can do now is apologize to her for trying to interfere and then let her know you have confidence in her. Mean it. Then just tell her you miss her. Invite her to spend time with you now and then but don’t tell her what to do. Since you got along in the past, I’m betting that she will eventually come back to you.

Your father is right that it helps to have patience. I wonder if he and your mom don’t intervene on your behalf because they think it will make things worse. It might. They may believe that they can count on the good upbringing and closeness you all had to be a powerful enough “glue” that everyone will get back together some day. They have faith that with patience from them and more maturity in all of you, things will improve. They may be right. Give it a chance.

Meanwhile, you need to get back to the business of your own life. Work on your studies. Enjoy your friends. Be on the lookout for that someone special. As the older sister, you are an important role model for your younger sisters. If they see you as managing your own life and being happy, they will be much more interested in you.

I realize that the situation is hard for you. I don’t blame you a bit for being sad. But I do think that much of this will resolve itself as you all establish yourselves as young adults.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 6, 2022 0 comment

I Kissed My Brother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 30th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My brother who is 17 and I get along not very well, all we ever do is argue since the day my parents adopted him from Russia when he was 13. Last year I was 14 and him and I were sharing my room because my grandmother came to visit. We got bored and played ‘never have I ever’ with my mums vodca.

I don’t think we were drunk just tipsy, he started to tease mye about a time I sat in a puddle at school once. I went to hit him with my pillow and we ended up kissing each other and then did other sexual things. The next morning I confronted him with it and he said that I was being stupid and that there wasn’t anything wrong with what we did.

I know that he’s wrong though. What person does those things with their BROTHER. I feel physically ill when I think about it, what worse is I enjoyed what he did. He’s my brother for god sake. PLEASE HELP ME!

You aren’t being “stupid.” Boundaries in a family are important if people are to feel safe. You’ve learned a hard lesson about the dangers of drinking and playing a risky game. You are both old enough to know better. There may be more of an attraction between the two of you because he is not a biological brother and you didn’t spend your early years together. It may be that you haven’t gotten along because it was a way you two kept the attraction under control. However, that doesn’t make it okay. It speaks well for your character that you know it.

Sometimes adopted kids test the limits to test their adoptive family. Sometimes they aren’t 100 percent sure that they have been 100 percent included in their new family so they do something that will test the family’s commitment and to see if they will be treated like the biological children. Some families would fail the “test” and would throw your brother out of the family for not acting like a proper, protective big brother. Other families would be disappointed and angry but would see his behavior – and yours – as a reason to discipline you both and maybe get the family in family therapy. I hope your family is the second kind. Having been adopted so late (at 13), your brother may question whether he is lovable enough to really have a family. As for you, you need to be relieved of the guilt so you can have an easy relationship with your brother and so that you can feel good about yourself again.

I hope you can tell your parents what happened, not to get him or you into trouble but because there is trouble in the family that needs to be dealt with. I hope you have the kind of parents who will understand that and who will do the work necessary to make the family feel safe again for both of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 30, 2021 0 comment

My Brother and His New Medication

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 21st, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My brother is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. He has been in and out of prison and mental hospitals since he was 13. He was recently released from Warm springs and came to live with my mom, he has been doing great for the past several months, he came early last summer and all through this winter it has been great having my big brother around. He was having a problem with sleeping all the time and his mental health doctor kept promising to prescribe him something that they had him on while he was still in warm springs, however he never did. He became convinced that Ritalin would resolve his problem, his mental health doctor refused flat out to prescribe him Ritalin advising him that it was not a good idea and if my brother started taking it he would have to find himself another doctor, not I’m not sure this is exactly what is said as I have never had the opportunity to talk to his doctor this is just what he has told me and through conversations my mom has had. He recently convinced his regular doctor to prescribe him the Ritalin and since he has begun taking it things have turned for the worse. He is far more absent minded, the other day he was out watering the horses and he was carrying the water in buckets instead of using the garden hose and then when he was out there he just stopped and stared at the ground, he often pauses to think but I checked out the window about 20 minutes later and he was still rooted to that exact spot staring. Now am even more worried as he says that his hallucinations are getting worse and he has become convinced that they are demons of the devil, he will not recognize that they are just hallucinations and now he is starting to talk about how these demons are messing with his car and hurting our horses. He is getting more difficult to communicate with and is becoming increasingly despondent and irritable. I’m so worried that I am going to loose my big brother again. My mom already tried talking to him about how he is getting worse but he believes so strongly that the Ritalin will work he refuses to listen to the fact that he is getting worse. How do I convince him to stop taking the Ritalin or get him a new mental health doctor that will work with the sleeping all the time quickly and get him stable again?

There is no easy solution to this problem. Unfortunately, your brother, who is not thinking clearly, has decided the manner in which he wants to treat his illness and it is making his situation worse. Most likely because of his decision to take Ritalin, he is decompensating. Decompensation is a clinical term that essentially means that an individual is psychologically deteriorating. In addition, he is not receptive to anyone’s input. He was not willing to listen to his doctor or his family.

The signs and symptoms you have described are worrisome. He is having delusions. He believes that demons are attempting to harm the horses. Other troublesome symptoms include difficulty communicating, despondency and irritability. You have also described instances of what seem like staring spells or immobility. I’m not certain if this is related to the Ritalin or if it is indicative of catatonia. Individuals displaying catatonic behavior may remain motionless in an odd or rigid position sometimes for hours.

You asked about how you can convince your brother to stop taking the Ritalin and how to get a new doctor in an attempt to stabilize him. I’m not certain if that is possible. Since the episode seems to have already begun it may be difficult to stop it without emergency intervention from mental health professionals.

Given the situation, below are my recommendations for you.

Call his prescribing physician. HIPPA (privacy) laws may prevent his doctor from giving you specific information about his case but there is no law preventing you from calling and detailing your concerns. His prescribing physician needs to be aware of his current symptoms and your concerns. Also, his doctor may be unaware of his psychiatric history. You can and should provide that information.

My second recommendation is that you and your mother be vigilant. At this point it seems as though your brother is actively psychotic. He may still be in the early phase of a psychotic episode but I cannot tell with certainty because the nature of psychotic episodes can vary from individual to individual. Why should you be vigilant? Because individuals who are experiencing psychosis and paranoia may be at risk for harming themselves or others. For instance, if your brother believed that demons were attempting to harm him or the horses then he may do something to protect himself against the perceived threat that may endanger himself or the horses.

It’s also important to monitor whether he is caring for himself appropriately. Is he eating or drinking fluids? Is he bathing? If you see a change in this type of behavior then it may mean that he should be admitted to a hospital. In some states, individuals who are not able to care for themselves (eating, bathing, etc.) would be eligible for inpatient hospitalization.

Another complication in this matter is that it is unclear what has caused this psychotic episode. It may have been the Ritalin in combination with another drug. Maybe there was a negative drug interaction. Perhaps he takes the Ritalin on an irregular basis, not as prescribed (i.e. takes too much at once or doesn’t take it when supposed to). It may also be that he suddenly stopped taking the Ritalin and that has caused his symptoms. In some cases, an abrupt discontinuation of medication can cause a relapse. Those are some possible triggers for a relapse. There may be many others but at this point it’s too difficult to tell what exactly is causing your brother symptoms. All that you may be able to discern with any certainty at this time is that his behavior seems to indicate that a psychotic episode has begun and emergency intervention in the near future is likely going to be necessary.

As indicated above, vigilance is important at this time. If the decompensation continues then please strongly consider taking him to an emergency room or calling a local mental health crisis team. Be certain to call his prescribing physician and ask for his or her advice.

I wish that I could give you an easier answer about how to deal with this difficult situation. The fact is that dealing with schizophrenia and other related psychotic disorders can be very difficult, especially for the family. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to ask. Thank you for your question. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

March 4, 2010 0 comment