Bizarre Archives

Hello, my boyfriend is great to me in person. We function well as a couple. However, he does certain things.
He often yells out uncontrollably “I’m not gay, i’m german. I’m a God in the flesh.” He also mentions he’s a genius and the government is spying on him. To remedy this he screams in the shower “Shut up!” He also has a tendency to yell at his computer. This has disrupted my sleep. He’s also claimed he saw the devil leaning on his shoulder whispering the secret of life into his ear while brushing his teeth.
He’s a hard worker. He works 2 part time jobs and owns a small business online selling his art. While I support him, he is obsessed, like he will spend hours and it will get to the point of me telling him to come spend time with me. It’s like he’d rather sit on his computer then have human interaction. That isn’t my biggest concern.
He claims to have “out of body” experiences led by a voice. He refuses to give me the name of said “Voice.” Also, he has a few dozen dream journals intricately written out. A relevant question. When you just wake up, how can you perfectly and legibly write down your dream? Now here’s the last thing that bothers and hurts me. Since I agreed to marry this man, I did a background check. His records clean, he’s not abusive, but he had 3 dating sites stating he was single. I called him out, I printed his profile. I had the proof in front of him and he said I was crazy over and over.
I take 2 trains and walk 1.5 miles to see him (this is until my vehicle is repaired.) I have bought him groceries for nearly a couple months, shown him loyalty and love. He brought up us getting married, which was to early but now at a year I feel it’s fine to get engaged. He’s a bit older than me, i’m 29 and he’s 39.
Iv’e been told that he may have these profiles up related to self esteem or validation issues. He has a tendency to self deprecate himself and often asks me if I love him. I wished you could meet him and you would understand. I’m paranoid you think i’m sounding like a unhappy girlfriend. Why would someone show you such strong devotion in person, yet act insane and persue others online?

Obviously, his maintaining dating profiles on the Internet is problematic, but you seem to be overlooking potentially major red flags about his mental health. His symptoms may indicate psychosis. Psychosis is a break with reality and it is associated with several serious mental health disorders including schizophrenia.

It will be difficult for him to function in a relationship if he is psychotic. Untreated psychosis tends to become worse over time. Some people require hospitalization. Until his symptoms are under control and he is consistently participating in treatment for at least one year, you should postpone your marriage plans. Once it is clear that his mental health is stable and he is willingly participating in treatment, then you might want to revisit your marriage plans. Until then, I would advise against it.

Marriage is a major life decision with implications for the rest of your life. You should consider counseling to discuss these issues in more depth. Given your minimization of his mental health symptoms, my concern is that you have not given much thought to how his possible mental health condition could affect your life as a couple.

Have you considered the following questions regarding his mental health: What if his symptoms worsen? How will you handle erratic behavior? What if he doesn’t participate in treatment? What if he doesn’t think he’s ill despite his symptoms and refuses treatment? What if the “voice” tells him that you’re secretly trying to harm him and that he should preemptively attack you to defend himself? Those are only several questions to consider. Assuredly, there are many more.

If your fiancé does have a serious mental illness, it will greatly affect your life and relationship. You need to be fully informed about his illness and how it could impact your life together and the lives of your children, should you decide to start a family. Most importantly, there needs to be a clear plan for how his illness will be managed. Many people with serious mental illnesses have successful relationships but without treatment, that might not have been possible. Premarital counseling would be a very wise decision. Books and online support groups are also good sources of information. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I grew up in a chaotic household with a bizarre, usually absent father and a raging, abusive and hate-filled mother. Both drank, but sober she was even worse. We had to deny anything was wrong and no one helped me or my siblings. I bore most of the abuse.

Now, as an adult, when I come across bizarre or difficult people I become somehow paralyzed and cannot deal effectively with them. I feel a deep sense of shame. Part of me knows as an adult I can tell the person “knock it off” or “stop mistreating me, it’s wrong and I won’t put up with it” but I don’t. The few times I have tried to tell someone to stop, it not only didn’t make them stop, it made them angry and more abusive, which is all the more reason I’d rather just leave the situation or avoid the person from then on.

Now I am working for someone who seems angry, deeply disturbed and who basically insists on constant attention and fawning obedience over even the most minute things. She makes a lot of reference to ill-health and I sense that management is happy having her in this position and couldn’t care less how she treats the subordinates, and that she is somehow protected because of her ill-health.

I don’t think quitting is the answer at least not now; and really I sense that her feeling its okay to mistreat me somehow stems from my own reaction to her behavior. Recently, after she got sarcastic with me, I was deeply depressed for two days. I’m tired of being unhappy. I’m tired of being depressed. I recognize some connection between my background and my life today, but don’t know how to rectify it.

You’re probably right that your paralysis has something to do with your history. As a child, you were helpless to get out of the situation. You learned then that the way to prevent further hurt was to essentially freeze. It was a survival technique that worked at least some of the time. You never learned how to be effectively assertive because it was pointless to even try with your parents.

Lessons learned in childhood are very powerful. In our early years, we put down a template for how people operate and what we need to do to get along. We then carry that template into every other relationship. I suspect that you generally avoid being around such difficult people. That works as long as you can get away. But, as you are finding, when you are stuck in the situation, your old survival pattern comes back. The problem is that it doesn’t work in your adult life.

This is exactly the kind of pattern that therapy can resolve. Therapy will help you separate past from present and learn new ways to take care of yourself. Your therapist will help you practice handling these situations during sessions and will give you support while you try them out in your life. You will probably also need to do some work healing the hurt child you carry within so that angry people don’t immediately send you running (figuratively) for cover.

You’ve carried the hurt long enough. Please follow through. Ask your doctor or someone you trust for the names of therapists in your area who have a good reputation. I always suggest that people give themselves permission to interview a few therapists before settling on who to work with. The most important variable for whether therapy will be effective is how comfortable you feel with the therapist.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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