Tag:

Blended Families

How Do I Have Patience with Step-Dating?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 11, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am 43, in a LTR with a man who has full custody of his four kids ages 10, 14, 15, & 19. I have full custody of my three, ages 8, 9 & 12. We have been together nearly a year and things are completely committed and long term. We talk a lot about the future but mostly it seems to be framed in terms of a time when our kids are grown. He has met my kids and I have met all but the 14 year old on separate occasions. He says he is afraid to introduce me to the 14 year old because she has scared off women he’s dated in the past even made them cry.

Okay, I can respect his wishes and I’m certainly not going to pressure him into doing something he doesn’t feel comfortable doing. Only parents can know when the time is right for an introduction.

As a result we mostly only see each other when our kids are with our exes. This would be all well and good except his ex does not take the kids on a regular schedule and will actually refuse to take them in order to stop him from seeing me. She took them Saturday so we spent the day hiking, but then she refused to keep them overnight (as she is entitled to) so the date was cut short. Generally I am very understanding but found myself sort of lonely Saturday night wishing he would get over his fears about the 14 year old so I could tag along to a movie with all of them or something.

I love this man and he loves me. I really like the kids I’ve met and he seems to think my kids are great too. As a result I can say that while I may not be looking to marry again I do want to get to a point where I can be folded into their lives and them into mine more. Let’s call it step-dating.

I suppose the sage advice I am seeking is how to be patient with all this. Are there typical milestones I can be attuned to to keep the relationship moving without putting undue pressure on either of us or our kids?

I wish there was a simple answer but people being what they are, there isn’t a step by step process for blending families that works for everyone. It may be that you are more ready to move on than your boyfriend so you are the one who is frustrated. It may also be that his relationship with his ex makes it more complicated for him.

From your description, it seems to me that your boyfriend’s problem isn’t really with the 14 year old. Just because she scared off one woman doesn’t mean that she will be successful in doing so with you. You are a different person. Hopefully, the teen has grown up some.

The problem of more concern is his relationship with his ex-wife. He seems to need more support in insisting that she keep to the divorce agreement regarding visitations and that she stay out of his personal life. You might be more successful in moving things forward if you addressed those issues directly. See if he can talk about what he needs from you in order to draw a clearer boundary around his personal life — including his involvement with you. He may not realize that the kids would do better if they had a predictable, stable schedule. Your relationship would do better too.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 11, 2022 0 comments

My Husband Does Not Seem to Like My Son

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 25, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My second husband does not seem to like my son. My son is 16. We have been married 7 years. We have 2 sons together a 1 and 6 year old. He doesn’t say much to my son. He does not say many negative things to him, but he constantly complains to me. He complains over simple issues like he drank all the soda.

It is always something. It does not seem my son can do anything right in his eyes. I have told him several times I don’t like how negative he is about him, but he just says I like him and I am not negative about him. The constant complaining makes me so miserable. When my son is with his father everything runs smooth at home but as soon as my son gets home it starts.

I can see how differently he feels about my son compared to our sons. It is really hard for me. I have a friend that tells me that even though my husband does not say negative things to him that my son feels the difference. I am sure he does. I have thought about leaving several times but then I worry about how a divorce would effect my other kids. Or is the negativity unhealthy for all of us.

For some people, the existence of the child from a former relationship is a constant reminder that their partner once had another lover and another life. They would like to erase that past but can’t due to the presence of the child. On a more primitive level, male animals often won’t accept the offspring of other males and drive them out of the herd in an instinctive effort to only pass on their own bloodline.

People can and do get past that primitive behavior and open their hearts and minds to children who are not their own biological kids. All this is a long way around to saying that I think that the problem here is that your husband hasn’t adopted your son. He may not be aware of it, but his behavior seems to show that he’s trying to drive him from the herd. Of course your son knows it and is hurt by it.

Your husband needs help understanding the need for an “adoption” to take place. I’m not talking about a legal adoption. Your son does have an involved biological dad. But there is room for the boy to have two men in his life who care about him, teach him, and help him develop into all he can be.

Rather than be angry at your husband, try to have a conversation with him about what it is that gets in his way of being a positive role model and caring adult in your son’s life. Is there something you or your ex is doing that is an obstacle? Has he really thought about his role as being important to the boy’s self-esteem and growth? Has he embraced the fact that the boy is related to him by blood in that he is his sons’ brother?

If that conversation becomes too difficult, I hope you will try some couples counseling before you visit a lawyer. This is not an uncommon problem. It can usually be addressed so that all relationships in the family improve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 25, 2021 0 comments

How Do We Handle Differences Between Kids and Step-Kids To Be?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 22, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am divorced after an abusive marriage–my kids endured a lot. Despite this, after years of hard work, I have two children who, thankfully, have come through all that with flying colors. I have a lot on my side, good finances, career, and family. NOTHING in my life makes me happier to more deeply satisfied than seeing my kids happy and whole and thriving. I thank God DAILY for it.

I have found a good man who I love, who is also divorced. We have decided not to marry until later. We live close by but not together. I love his kids too.

However, his kids–similar ages to mine–are not doing well in some ways, struggling academically and socially, and have quit many things, and are in fewer and fewer things as time goes on. Their mother (who I made a friend) struggles with various issues. I try to support them as best I can. If they are in a play, or sporting event, I go.

My kids persevere, and have had many successes (and failures too!). My kids now do lots of things, while they do little.

It has created a disparity. And that is the issue. I don’t know how to handle it. My daughter recently got the lead role in her school musical, but she does not want her future-step-sister to know about her part, and downplays it–for fear of making her feel badly (future-step-sister has been passed over for parts in past). I keep quiet about my kid’s lives to my man and his kids, not wanting to draw any attention to the disparity. My son downplays his activities too, not wanting to make them feel bad. I am FINE with this. So are my kids–none of us are boastful people. Even saying this much about them is embarrassing to me. They do these things because they LOVE them–not to brag about it. I do LOVE his kids, and don’t give ONE HOOT what they do or don’t “accomplish”. I am not sure any of it means all that much in the end.

But the downplaying is starting to feel like LYING. I don’t invite my man to my kids events, not wanting to make him feel badly, because he DOES think this accomplishment stuff is important. It DOES affect him. I DO go to his kid’s few things. It feels like lying/leaving him out.

I don’t think you are lying. I do think your approach to the situation isn’t helpful. Your kids deserve to feel good about all they have managed to accomplish in spite of a tough start. You deserve to share in their pride. If your man is to become a permanent part of your life, he needs to be able to celebrate their achievements with you and them.

Downplaying your own kids’ strengths is only helping your man avoid dealing with the fact that his kids are troubled and in trouble. There is a reason that they are struggling with school and retreating from normal hobbies and interests. There is a reason that they aren’t setting themselves on a path to a successful adult life. It needs to be dealt with — now. It’s not about comparing them to your kids. It’s about getting them the help they need.

I suggest that you and your boyfriend seek out a family therapist. Just go by yourselves at first to explain the situation and perhaps to get some input on how best to handle it. Your future stepkids’ mental health depends on it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 22, 2021 0 comments