Tag:

Blow

I can’t get over my ex husband

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 4, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was married for 22 years. During this time my husband would tell me that he wouldn’t touch me because I was too fat to turn him on. (even when I was 51kg). I also caught him on the phone whispering to another woman but be claimed they were just friends. Eventually I believed he didn’t love me and I met someone else. We split up but I still loved my husband. Eventually, he said that he loved me and wanted me to come home. I thought he meant it and I sold my house and all my belonging ready to move back. I went to tell him the day the removalist would be bringing my things and he said “F#@% off. I don’t want you. I’m madly in love with someone else.

That was 2 years ago and I just can’t get over it. I really thought we were going to make it. The other person I met earlier is still around and loves me even though he knows I’m not over my ex. I keep beggin my ex to take me back but he says he never wants to see me again. This has totally messed me up and it hasn’t done much for our 3 sons either.

Why would he do all he could to stop me from being with someone else and convince me that he loves me just to turn around and say “I don’t want you”, again. I believe he still wants us together but he feels he can’t go back because of what people might think. I know he has put me down to people. Why can’t I get over this. It is destroying me.

What a blow! I’m so very sorry for the pain this has caused you. It sounds to me like your marriage lasted as long as it did because you are such a loyal person (and maybe such an optimist) that you put up with more than most women would. From what you wrote, it seems this man has a mean streak. He didn’t want you but he couldn’t stand it for someone else to love you so he led you on. The other option, I suppose, is that the same loyalty that kept your marriage together prevented you from reading the signs that he wasn’t serious about wanting you back so he had to push you away hard to make it clear that your marriage is over.

Whatever the case, what is destroying you at this point is yourself. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who wouldn’t touch you during your marriage, who carried on with other women, and who now puts you down to other people?? Why aren’t you thanking your lucky stars that there is a man in your life who loves you so much that he’ll wait around while you sort yourself out?

I encourage you to seek out a counselor to help you stop focusing on your past and to instead turn your attention to your present and future. It could well be that the best part of your life is what’s ahead. Please grab the chance for happiness. You deserve far better than what your ex ever offered you.

Additional Strategies to for Getting Over an Ex

Give yourself time to grieve: It’s natural to feel sad, angry, or hurt after a breakup, and it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions. However, it’s also important to avoid getting stuck in those feelings for too long. Try setting aside some time each day to allow yourself to process your emotions, but also try to focus on other things that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Focus on self-care: Taking care of yourself is crucial when going through a breakup. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, and engaging in physical activity. Practice relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga to help you manage stress and anxiety.
Cut off contact: It can be tempting to keep in touch with an ex, but maintaining contact can make it harder to move on. Consider taking a break from social media or deleting your ex’s contact information from your phone.
Seek support: Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can be incredibly helpful when going through a breakup. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support, and remember that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 4, 2023 0 comments

I’m angry and just a complete mess

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 4, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have come here searching for an answer to my anger and the things that come along with it. My anger has cost me relationships with friends and boyfriends…I’m surprised my parents still stick around with the way I treat my mother specifically. I just completely overreact to things all the time. And I mean to the point that I am screaming and doing anything and everything in my power to make the opposing force feel wrong, stupid, and as inferior as possible. I used to break, punch, throw, slam things. Lately I’ve been able to keep at least that from happening.

Everyone has always told me just to notice when I begin to get angry and to just get away from the situation or to count to ten, but I can’t do it. For some reason I just can’t recognize that I’m about to become that enraged and that it is totally irrational, because I always think I am right. I never realize what has happened until the situation is over, then I feel remorse, but I usually don’t apologize because I feel that maybe I wasn’t wrong, I just went too far. I hardly apologize and usually it’s just to get what I want. I usually just blow things off because what’s done is done and what can I do to fix it now? But that just isn’t working for me. I really thought it would, rather than living in regret…just live for today and to make things the best. But I can’t do that.

I ruin everything. I don’t even know how to make sense of what I’m trying to say. A million thoughts are running through my head right now and I just don’t know where to start. In my past I’ve suffered physical and sexual abuse. And I just feel like my parents just never cared that those things happened, because all I got was a lock on my door and all my step brother got was NOTHING. My mother also went a little crazy while on welbutrin and became violent which resulted in serious shouting and physical fights between us. But she felt better, it made her depression go away. Luckily she listened to my step brother, step father, and myself and stopped taking it.

When I try to talk to her about how I feel (which I do not ever like to talk about how I feel with people that I see on a regular basis) she feels like it is time to tell me about her psycho thoughts as well. Today she told me she saw one of our dogs playing with a shirt sleeve my step dad turned into a dog toy and she imagined about strangling one of the dogs to death. I just can’ deal with her problems and my own. I also have had disturbing thoughts in the past that I can’t recall due to trying to push them from my mind. But they were thoughts that would be harmful to others. And I had to talk myself out of doing them. But I did.

I’m also a recovering drug addict, began at 14, never really did anything habitually until about 18. cocaine addict for about a year and a half, quit for about 2 years. then had a binge resulting in a breakdown the summer of 2008. used very sparsely until fall or winter of 2009, started binging on cocaine again, then got more into meth which I had tried in the past. Then fell into a serious habit with using that intravenous. got clean for like a month and then used the same way sparingly. last time was 2 weeks ago. have been successful in being strong enough not to give in to temptation like I used to. I don’t know if any of this is relevant, I just assume drug usage might be. I don’t even remember what I’ve been talking about. Sometimes I get so distracted I just have no idea what has just happened, what is going on, or sometimes where I am. I plan on seeking counseling immediately. That’s the only options I know of for people in my situation, broke, been unemployed (only for 4 months but I am so impulsive I waste my money on clothes, food, alcohol, drugs, shoes, I just feel like i need new things!), I don’t know what to do.

A: Yes, you do know what to do. You told me. Get into counseling immediately! Girl. You’re only 23 and you are a total mess. Yes, the drug use has lots to do with it. While you were using various drugs, your brain and mind got deprived of the important education in impulse control and judgment that happens during the teen years. Yes, your upbringing has something to do with it. You didn’t get the love, support and protection every child deserves. Trauma has something to do with it. Kids who are abused often need help. There’s no shame in that! And – if that weren’t enough, you may also have inherited a predisposition to mental illness from your mother. All that is a huge burden for any young person to manage.

I’m amazed and impressed that with so big a tangle of issues you could put together such a coherent and well-written letter. You have inner strengths and intelligence that you and a therapist can use to help you recover the 10 years of emotional growth you lost. Stop “planning” to find a therapist and just do it. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be on the road to a more even temper and a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 4, 2023 0 comments

He can’t find joy in life anymore

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 15, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 22 and for almost two years now I’ve been confused with life and emotion. After a woman I loved left me for her own selfish reasons, that I’ve been over for a while now, I feel a general lack of feeling in most cases. Things that made me happy and excited don’t have as deep an impact any longer. I used to find a ton of joy in playing guitar, listening to music, and watching movies or playing video games.

That said, the most prevalent emotion I can feel intensely is rage, my current girlfirned who I’ve been with for over a year and has been living with me most of that time can vouch for me. I feel like she makes a lot of stupid idiotic mistakes and I can’t help but feel extremely angry at her even for small things that don’t matter much. Also, I couldn’t hold a job at Radioshack where I had to talk to customers because their stupidity and even the way they talked made me so angry that it impeded my job performance.

Also, I have trouble motivating myself to do even simple things that I typically don’t do everyday. Like if I have to go visit my grandparent’s or help a friend with something, I would rather sleep in or blow them off because I don’t feel like leaving home. However, this couples with the fact that it seems like none of my friends have time to do anything anyways. I’m 22 so most of them have jobs or are also in school, but they literally seem to never have time. On top of that, I feel like everyone is bound to betray me or are out to rip me off somehow. Even people I have known for years and care about. Additionally, strange things make me really sad, like even writing this is making me tear up. When I see families or friends laughing and having a good time, when I’m in public and just observing people, it makes me so depressed taht I sometimes have to leave where I’m at to hide so no one will see me cry. Smiley faces and other symbols like that also make me sad. I generally feel very unhappy and incomplete.

I have no sexual desires for my girlfriend, but like the companionship. Sometimes I don’t even want her to be near me though, and I just hate the thought of spending time with her. I very rarely can find myself in any kind of aroused state and I feel very dull and bored most of the time. I find myself thinking of death and the end of the world and other horribly dismal things. At college when the other students who seem to generally be much younger than me make stupid remarks or speak improperly it makes me want to tear their bodies apart.

Typically I hold this all in, because no matter who I tell I feel like no one takes me seriously. I’ve been in 3 different schools after high school ended. This is the one I know I’ll finish in, but I just feel like I’m a joke among people who know me for that. Most of my life I’ve felt embarrassed about myself, whether it be my body, the way I talk, or the way I look in some way.

I’m just so tired of being overwhelmed with such intense emotions and not being able to find joy in life anymore.

I’m so very sorry that the joy has gone out of living for you. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of only a letter, of course. But it’s a strong possibility that you are suffering from a major depression.

Most universities (including yours) have counseling services. Please take advantage of help that is so readily available. Make an appointment to have an initial meeting with a counselor. If you are too embarrassed to tell your story, bring your letter. You did an excellent job describing what life has been like for you. With the support of a therapist and perhaps some medicine, you could be feeling at least a little better in a month or two. I’m glad that it’s summer and that you have a break from classes. This is a good time to get a jump-start on taking care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 15, 2021 0 comments

I Think I Have ADD

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 8, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I have been struggling with complete disorganization, frustration, forgetting, unable to complete daily tasks, keep up with my laundry, keep up with house work among other things. I blow up at my children when they ask me to do something, I’m easily annoyed, its hard for me to have a gathering at my house because the anxiety gets too out of control if I have to make coffee, have snacks or even a conversation without getting up and walking around aimlessly to do something, I dont know what. I associate that with nerves. Meanwhile, my laundry is piling up, the beds are not made, I havent looked in my childrens book bags in 3 days and not being prepared for things my kids need for school. I’m going to see my family doc this week and I’m hoping that she will be able to help me out. I have been on 4 different antidepressants and I also and XANAX (just in case). I rarely take it at all. My kids have missed so many show and tell days at school because I forget to give them something. I’m extremely moody, I get very upset and cry. Thankfully my husband keeps up with the things I cant. I am grateful for this, but on the other hand it makes me feel ashamed of how I am. I feel lazy. I fold the laundry then it sits in my room in the basket for DAYS AND DAYS. My kids complain they have no clothes to wear, it can be complete chaos. I need help. Where should I start and how can I convince my doctor that I need meds for this. Help.

My instinct is that this isn’t ADD. You didn’t indicate that the disorganization has been life-long. ADD isn’t something that just shows up during midlife. I suspect it has more to do with the anxiety and depression. It could also be that you are having a reaction to the medications you are taking (your agitation could be medication-related, for example) or that the dosages aren’t right.

You should definitely talk with your doctor about how you’ve been feeling and how difficult it is for you to get through a normal day. But — I doubt the answer is more medication. Medicine is no substitute for learning how to cope and manage.

The best treatment is usually a combination of medicine with some focused talk therapy. The medicines have the advantage of working quickly (when they work) and giving you a little relief so that you can think straight. Talk therapy helps you find better ways to function in the world for the long run. Your therapist would give you ongoing support and encouragement as well as practical strategies for taking charge of yourself. Yes, this takes time. But the result is usually more self-confidence and competence in dealing with the multiple stresses of family life. Some people are then able to wean off medications all together. Others continue to need some support from meds but they are part of a holistic treatment plan, not the “cure.”

I hope you’ll ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist. Life really can be better. You and your family deserve to have you back to normal.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 8, 2011 0 comments