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Double take: Living in the past

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D. March 4, 2024

written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D.

When I was in high school (over 10 years ago) I fell in with this boy. It was love at first sight. We never dated. We were never close friends. We had some classes together and I felt this connection to him and I thought that he felt it too.However, nothing ever happened. After we graduated, I had this idea that one day we will meet again and we will end up together. Shortly after high school, he found a girlfriend and they have been together ever since. Due to some mutual friends I always knew what was going on in his life. He had a tumoltuous relationship with that girl and several times they were breaking up and making up. I never wanted to interfere while he was with her. I guess I was hoping that once they break up for good there would be a way for us to be together. I never really made any steps to make anything happen. Also, I’ve been regretting that I wasn’t more upfront with him when we were both still in high school. Now, it’s been more than 10 years and he is always in my mind, He is not married yet, however, I’ve heard that he wants to propose and marry that girl. Meanwhile I have been with somebody as well. When I met my current partner (6years ago) he was mostly my friend and although we were going out I always thought that this relationship would eventually end. When he proposed to me 2 years ago I said no. However, 2 years later i married him mainly due to his legal status and him being in a desperate situation. We have been married now for 2 years and I still think everyday about my first love. My husband loves me and many times I told him that I’m not in love with him. I never had an orgasm with him. Now, I guess I feel that I’m in a desperate situation knowing that my “first love” will be getting married. I can’t let go of the past. I’ve read many books about obsession in love but I don’t think that I am obsessed, I believe that I am truly in love with my first love. You might say that how well can I know him since I had no person-person contact with him for so many years, but I believe I truly know him on an emotional level. I thought about getting in touch with him, however, I always thought the situation would be very unnatural. I guess I have always thought that we would have an opportunity to meet and reconnect but I never wanted to force it. ALso, because I am now legally married that presents an issue. I tried many times to stop thinking about him but it seems hopeless. I can’t forget him and yet I cannot be with him.

“The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.” Anais Nin.
I believe that you believe you are deeply in love. My reality is that your love only exists in the very safe world of your own head. You’ve never tested it out. You’ve never given yourself over emotionally or physically to someone who can love you back. This strikes me as very, very sad. When a fantasy is this strong, it generally means that there is an equally strong fear lurking in the background. For ten years, you have deprived yourself of true love and romance, even to the extent that you are pushing away your husband’s love and affection. I have to wonder why you are so afraid of love’s reality that you would rather settle for unrealistic daydreams about a man who probably doesn’t know you exist. Of course you haven’t had an orgasm! To enjoy sex requires being present and giving yourself over to emotions that you only allow yourself in dreams. Of course you believe yourself to be truly in love. Otherwise it would be too painful to face the loneliness you’ve created for yourself.

Unrequited love may be the stuff of romantic poems but it’s ultimately not very satisfying in life. I suspect that you wrote to us here at PC because somewhere inside you are waking up to the fact that time is marching on. You are getting older but have yet to experience real love.

I suggest you ask yourself, “What will I start thinking about if I accept the fact that my emotional connection is a myth and this guy will never, ever be interested in me?” The first thing that comes to mind is probably a hint about what you are afraid of. Stay with the thought if you can tolerate it. Just note it if you can’t. This is the material you could bring to a therapist. Therapy would help you face your fears. If that idea terrifies you, then therapy will help you take things one step at a time until you can.

Dr. Dan’s take

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”
William Somerset Maugham (English short-story Writer, Novelist and Playwright, 1874-1965)

This is a very interesting situation. Here is the way I see it:

You are in a relationship that you don’t want to be in.
This was a marriage that you didn’t want, but decided to go ahead with anyway.
The love from the past was never acted on.
Opportunities existed for you to act on that love were not taken.
You say you knew everything about what was happening to is other person, but don’t mention if he knew anything about you.
Right now you are in a relationship you don’t want with a person you don’t love — wishing you were with a person that doesn’t know that you have loving feelings.

Each situation leaves you in the exact same space: wanting and not having. I believe the real issue here is your core thoughts about intimacy. Intimacy sounds like something that you desire and from which you are blocked. With your husband you are with a man who is available and yet don’t want him. With your fantasy lover you want him but he is not available. Each situation leaves you in the same place: unfulfilled.

I would recommend spending a bit more time alone. I am not suggesting you ignore your husband or your fantasy. But I am recommending sitting with the core struggle of wanting and not having. This dynamic is likely to keep manifesting until it is possible for you to sort it through. The likely source is your family of origin. In situations like this there is one or both parents simultaneously available but unavailable in some way. Perhaps meditation and journaling to expose the core feelings and ambivalence will be helpful.

I couldn’t agree more with Marie on bringing this material to a therapist. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 4, 2024 0 comments

My parents are completely ridiculous

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 24, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 15 and I have family issues. My Mom said she’s gonna call a psychiatrist on me and make me stay the night in a mental hospital or something. She wants me to change schools too and go to a Christian school.
This is completely ridiculous because:
A) I’m a nice person. They call me a mean person all the time and it just lowers my self esteem. I know I’m a nice person because I care more about other people than I do myself. I wanna adopt kids from Africa, my friends and I never ever ever get into arguments, nobody at school has anything against me, I help people (like if someone drops their books in the hallway I’ll help them pick them up and or if some girl is in wheelchair I’ll hold her lunch tray or pick something up that she drops or help someone with a question and give advice to people I don’t even know). Just stuff like that. They just think I’m a mean person because I don’t act all hyper and happy and friendly around them like I am when I’m with my friends. It isn’t my fault if I don’t wanna talk about boys and music (that they don’t even know) to them. That’s just stuff I do with my friends. That’s what friends are for.
B) They say I isolate myself. Everyone needs some private time just to themselves, right? I don’t see the problem with that. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong. And yeah I’ll admit I don’t enjoy being in the same room with them because they always find something to argue with me about.
C) Sending me to another school is flat out dumb. I love my school and I love the people there. She wants me to change because too many pregnant girls are there and too many kids who do weed are there. I mean EVERY school is gonna be like that. Christian school or not- there will always be bad people everywhere and I think a normal public school would be good for me. If she doesn’t believe me she can get me drug tested. I told her that and that STILL isn’t enough to convince her. She’s impossible to please.
D) I got a cell phone about 6 months ago and they think that’s changing me. A cell phone can’t change somebody. I think I’m at the age where I’m finding out who I am and stuff and it’s just a coincidence I just got a phone at the same time.
E) They think I’m getting too serious with my boyfriend and that he’s causing a problem when I’ve only been going out with him for 3 months and they’ve said numerous time this has been going on for 6 months.
F) They’re also saying that me being a vegetarian is wrong. That’s a personal descision and they just have to learn to accept it like accepting somebody’s religion.

They’re both Christians and so am I, I have a relationship with God and all that jazz but she says that the Bible talks about eating animals. It also says don’t kill anything. The Bible says you need to take care of your body so if I don’t get all the protein I need then I’m sinning or something. I’m skinny. So I don’t see why I need to have the exact amounts of fat and protein everyday.

G) She says I need to bring more people to church. I bring two of my friends to church every week. What more can she ask for? Like no on else will fit in the car! And you can’t MAKE someone go to church with you. It’s their choice.

Do I have a problem? Do I need a psychiatrist? Or are my parents just overreacting?

You sound like a sensible, caring teen who any parent would be proud of. So — either you aren’t seeing and sharing the whole story – or your folks have never parented a teen before and don’t know what to expect. If you are on the level, then my guess is that your parents are terrified because of all the negative things they’ve heard about the teen years. In their efforts to protect you and themselves, they are going overboard. Let’s give them credit for how much they care.

Your best friends in this situation might be your school guidance counselor and the psychiatrist your mom wants you to see. Share your letter with the counselor and see if perhaps she or he can meet with your parents to reassure them that you are a normal kid behaving in normal ways around her family. If that doesn’t do it, go ahead and see a psychiatrist. If all is as you say, the doctor will most likely support you and will tell your folks that you are all going through a normal stage.

BTW: The doctor is also liable to tell your parents that there are lots and lots of parents who would be enormously grateful if they were only arguing with their kids about how much meat they eat. (And yes, you do need protein but research the web for ways you can get what you need in the vegetable world, ok?)

You all sound to me like good people. Your parents are doing their best. You are too. I hope you can find another adult who can give all of you some support so that your folks can relax and you can go about the business of growing up.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 24, 2024 0 comments

Concerned About a Friend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 8, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My friend thinks she’s an “interdimensional medium.” I am concerned for the mental health of a friend of mine. She’s a writer and an avid reader of japanese grapic novels. However, for the past few years, she’s been almost “obsessed” with them. She writes stories about the characters in the books she reads, she collects things related to them, and her “original” stories are all “rip-offs” of the stories that she reads, and she often inserts herself in her stories. Her art revolves around said fictional characters, and she constantly talks about them. For a period of time a few years ago ( ages 11-15)she would claim she could see them, and they were real and she talked to them and interacted with them. She claimed she was “related” to some of them, and she wasn’t of this world. That stopped for a while, but recently (she’s 20 now) she’s told me that she is an “interdimensional medium”. She says that when someone creates a world and its people in their head that it is created in an alternate universe, and that by being an interdimensional medium she can commune with these beings and she can “breach the boundaries between our world and the other worlds”. She says she can’t travel there, but she can see and communicate with them like a medium would commnicate with a ghost.

I’m very worried about her and I don’t know how to handle this. Any advice or any ideas about what may be going on would be greatly appreciated.

It is difficult to know what is happening with your friend. It sounds as if she’s become obsessed and overly involved with the Japanese graphic novels. It is not safe when an individual loses touch with reality. Some individuals can become lost in a fantasy world. That may be what is happening to your friend.

There are several ways to approach this situation but it depends on your relationship with your friend. If you and she have a close relationship, then you may want to express your concerns to her directly. You want to be honest with her. You can say to her “I understand that you are very interested in your readings and writings and I think that’s great but I am concerned that you are losing touch with reality. It’s unhealthy not to live in reality. It seems as if you are obsessed with your hobby and this concerns me. I don’t want anything negative to happen to you and I’m wondering if you would consider going to a therapist.”

The reason that I am suggesting counseling for her is because she would have the opportunity to be evaluated by a mental health professional. It’s best to have an outside, objective opinion in this situation. It sounds as if there is a serious problem but because I have not interviewed your friend I cannot know with certainty.

If talking directly with her is not something that you are comfortable with, then as I have suggested to others in the past, you could write her a letter or print off this letter and my response and give it to her. Other ideas include speaking with her parents or other close friends or family about your concerns. You may find that others are also concerned and if so, you may be able to team up with them and approach her together.

Your friend is very fortunate to have a perceptive, kind and caring friend. You’re right to be concerned and you are a good friend. I hope this letter helps you to help her. Thank you for your question.

August 8, 2023 0 comments

Wishing I Were Mentally Ill

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 10, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have this strange obsession with mental disorders. Everything I do I relate to myself having some sort of illness. I know that I must have depression, because no matter what I do those feelings of helplessness towards myself keep coming back. But I don’t know what I have, really. Most people are afraid of going insane, and they think “I’m not crazy!” when they’re in my place: lost, alone, depressed, suicidal, and self injuring. But with me, I WANT to go crazy, I WANT to see/hear things that aren’t there. The simple thought of being schizophrenic (which is my favorite mental disease) just makes me smile ear to ear. I love hospitals, and have this great desire to be in one. I want to be sick, and I know that’s horrible, but I can’t help it. I had a dream that I was in an ambulance, being raced to the hospital, and I woke up smiling. The thought of having problems is this huge thing for me. I get all sorts of books on mental illness and psychology. Just today I was thinking, “Am I obsessed with going insane? But then does that make me insane already? Can I just not deal with the fact that I’m sane? But then all these other symptoms I have, does that make me insane…?”

I just have no idea what’s wrong with me, if anything is wrong with me. But that’s just it, I can’t fathom that nothing’s wrong with me. Would you have any idea what I should do?
Oh, but you should also know, that I’ve been recommended for therapy by my school counselor for cutting myself, and to speak the truth I’d love to go to therapy, but I say I don’t want to. It’s like I want people to decide what to do with me. I don’t know what that is either.
Help, please?

There must be some part of you that is starved for attention. That’s the only logical rationale behind why you’d want to have a mental illness or to be hospitalized. Maybe you believe that if you were hospitalized you’d have many people concerned about you. There might be teams of doctors caring and looking after you. Your parents or family would likely be involved too. You may see hospitalization as a form of “guaranteed attention.” Perhaps that is your goal.

Your deep desire for attention has turned into an obsession. The desire to be sick may be related to a disorder called Munchausen syndrome. Individuals with this disorder not only desire to be ill but they actually pretend that they are. Many even undergo risky or painful tests and treatments for their fictitious disorders in order to receive sympathy and attention. This is not the type of behavior you’re currently engaged in. The concern is that in the future you may progress from wishing you were ill to actually pretending that you are or doing something to make yourself ill.

You wrote about schizophrenia being your “favorite” mental illness. You say that you “want” to experience delusions and hallucinations. No one who had schizophrenia or knew anyone with the disease would have this desire. You must be unaware of the fact that schizophrenia is one of the most debilitating mental illnesses that exists. It’s treatable and people can get better but there is no cure. Individuals who have the disorder say that it’s “hell on earth.” No one who was thinking clearly or knew anything about it would want this disease nor would they wish that they could experience any of its terrifying symptoms.

It’s normal to want attention. Children need attention and when it’s not given they might act out inappropriately to get it. Teenagers need attention too. If they do not get it they too may misbehave. Individuals who are physically or emotionally neglected may go to great lengths to get noticed. I suspect the cutting behavior you’ve engaged in and your desire to be ill are misguided attempts to gain attention and sympathy from your caregivers. It’s human nature to need and want attention but it shouldn’t come at the expense of harming yourself.

You want to attend therapy but when presented with the opportunity, you lie and say you don’t want to go. Why do you do this? If you have the chance to receive help then you should take it. You are engaging in self-harm and it needs to be treated. The desire to have a mental illness or to be hospitalized also is something that desperately needs to be addressed in counseling. A counselor can help you find more appropriate ways to ease your emotional pain. You are clearly suffering and your thinking is distorted but these things are correctable. The next time you are offered the chance for counseling make the very smart decision of saying yes.

February 10, 2021 0 comments

Depressed, ADHD, Self-Injury And No One Will Listen

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW March 18, 2011

written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hello, I am a 16 year old Sophomore in high school. For the past 5 years I have struggled with addiction to self injury, depression and ADHD. My parents refuse too believe anything is wrong with me and every day scream at me and break things as well as insult me about how useless I am and how I am always ruining their lives! My friends all say that I’m amazing and such a good friend but I have a hard time believing them when my OWN parents seem to hate me…My grades have gotten a lot worse because my parents deny that I am ADHD even though my doctor has said I need therapy and medication.

I failed three of my classes and the fights and insults got worse, my parents took away nearly everything I had and I almost committed suicide twice, My doctor finally told my mother I NEED to get therapy so she did reluctant, and told me the entire way about what a failure I am.

I went to therapy for about 3 months and stopped, my therapist was ignorant and treated me like a little kid. She blew off how I was upset about my parents and my hair falling out due too PCOS and being diabetic. I hate my parents but I love them at the same time… they always yell at me and get angry and things I don’t do and forget… I have ADHD and it’s not my fault! but they just yell a me about how I use it as a crutch. Right now I am not allowed to go out with friends and am constantly threatened that if I don’t start getting straight A’s they will take away my desktop and my books… I’m scared because I just keep hating myself even more! I can’t sleep at night and I can’t concentrate in school, I keep having mental break downs and freaking out and am nearly ready to start cutting again because it makes me feel amazing, I’m scared but my parents don’t care! I’m tired of working my butt off just to get yelled at and I really don’t know what to do anymore…. My school even won’t do anything when I talked to my teachers, I am really lost.

Thanks for reaching out for help to figure out how to manage your feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and stop your self-destructive behavior. It’s not uncommon for adolescents to love and hate their parents at the same time when they feel invalidated or misunderstood. It sounds like you and your parents aren’t sure how to help you. My guess is that they’re very scared and are trying to motivate you by grounding you from friends and threatening to take away privileges, which in turn makes you feel punished and hopeless.

Don’t let the fact that you didn’t connect with your therapist before discourage you from seeking therapy again. If you don’t want to go back to the therapist you’ve seen previously, ask your mom, your physician, or a school counselor to help you find another therapist who you feel more comfortable with. Self-injury, suicide attempts and failing grades are all signs that you need professional help as soon as possible. Please don’t wait. To find specific therapists in your area, please click the Find Help link at the top of this page.

In addition to individual therapy, I highly recommend family therapy. Your family can learn new ways of relating with each other and dealing with conflict, and healthier ways to manage emotions. The therapist can also help your parents learn options to support and motivate you other than putdowns and punishments, and can help you understand and express your deeper feelings and needs to your parents in a way that your parents are more likely to hear.

It sounds like you’re trying to tell your parents, through your symptoms, that you’re in a lot of emotional pain, and instead of hearing your pain they’re seeing your choices as “bad behavior” instead of as a desperate cry for help. A family therapist can help you and your parents understand what’s going on below the surface for you, and help you understand your parents’ fears and intentions. The fact that your mom was willing to take you to therapy before is a sign that she recognizes that therapy can be valuable, and that is a good sign. Please talk to her and get the help you need as soon as possible.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

March 18, 2011 0 comments