Bottle Of Wine Archives

I’m married to my husband for almost 9 years. We know each other 11 years. For the outside world, we are perfect couple, who loves adventure, travel, cooking and is madly in love. Behind the door is a different story. In the past 10 years, we’ve been straggling with my husband’s father, who had a stroke and now has a cancer. We were helping my in-laws in their difficult times.

My husband is struggling a lot with this situation because he is a primary care. He started drinking more than usually we did during weekends. He can have 3 martinis or a whole bottle of wine plus drink with rum on his own. Numerous times, I was asking him to minimize it but now I started finding empty glasses or bottles all over the house, garage or garden. I confronted him many times. However, he became very angry and started screaming. When we go out, he is the only person, who would be wasted. I’m embarrassed by his behavior. All our friends believe that he is just drunk because he is very tired.

I truly don’t know what to do. I cannot trust him because he lies to me about his drinking. Another thing that shocked me is the fact that he exchanged a few inappropriate emails with his ex-girlfriend. They were talking about their past, how great it was. He asked her about sex life. He wrote so many private things about us to her. Usually their emails were very very long. He never wrote me such emails. You probably wonder how I found out about their correspondence. Well, it was a pure coincidence. I did not know how to use iPhone and I opened his phone where their emails were listed. I confronted him (of course I cried because I’m very emotional). He told me that he just wanted to find out how she is doing because they were best friend for a long time. He promised that he won’t write to her anymore. I believe him again. I found another email to her. I truly don’t know what to think. He said that his life is horrible. I’m trying to help him and his family. However, I think I’m losing myself meantime. I have anxiety attacks because of the whole situation

For your entire married life and throughout your 20s, you and your husband have been trying to help your in-laws manage your father-in-law’s illness. I wonder if your husband feels like life is passing him by while he does the right thing. Taking care of someone day in and day out can make a person feel emotionally drained. I’m guessing that your husband’s alcohol problems started because he found that a drink could relax him at the end of a challenging day. It has since progressed to being a way to check out from the reality of his life. Make no mistake, what you are describing at this point is alcohol abuse.

To manage the stress of caregiving successfully, a caregiver needs to be sure to take care of themselves and move forward in their own lives. Your husband isn’t doing either. He also seems to be trying to recapture his more carefree youth by contacting the ex-girlfiriend. He’s in serious trouble.

You can try talking to him. Instead of being upset and accusatory, try being compassionate about the position he finds himself in. His life is going nowhere. Talk about how the two of you can get additional help with your father-in-law so your husband isn’t the only support person. Look around for a caregivers support group. Many hospitals and hospice organizations sponsor such groups. It’s important to have a place where it’s okay to share feelings and where information about helpful services is exchanged. Then work together to figure out how your husband can reclaim his own life’s direction. Does he need to go back to school? To find a job that is more gratifying?

Finally, you need to tell your husband in as loving a way as possible that although you understand the urge to drink, it’s gotten way out of control. Ask him what he is going to do about it. If he continues to deny that there is a problem, tell him the truth: You can’t make him stop drinking but you don’t have to stay around for it. Then get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting to learn how to detach from his problem. Here’s the website.

Yes, self-care takes time and attention; time that is hard to come by when caring for someone else. But if your husband isn’t taking care of himself, he is doing something else. He needs to refocus his time and energy so that your marriage will survive and so that he is working toward his own future.

I wish you both well,
Dr. Marie

I’m looking for a little advice for my mother who may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Long story short, I feel like this is the last straw and I’m starting to lose patience.

Issue: We’ve been bearing with her, but it there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel without professional help. My mother seems to be too proud to accept any type of ‘weakness’ even if it’s a medical illness. She has attempted to take medication in the past but that resulted in suicidal episodes and she became zombie-like at times. There seems to be communication barriers as well.

About her: My mother is an extremely proud woman who is hard on accepting the possibility that she is ever wrong – in fact she is almost always right in her eyes. She is extremely irritable and her temper rises as fast as a moving train. For instance, if my father is late because of work issues, she will throw a tantrum and start to mumble about his irresponsibility. Depending on the situation she will run through a wide range of emotions starting with anger, sadness, depression, and then rise back to anger.

She experiences periods of extreme mania and depression. We believe these swings may be tied to her eating habits and that she is extremely self-conscious of her self-image. Her mood tends to swing in a 1-2 month cycle, after 2 months we can expect an outburst, tantrum, or cry for attention. She has attempted to take her life in the past by ingesting a full bottle of Advil followed by a bottle of wine. At earlier stages she would bring herself to a haze with alcohol, but that has subsided and she now drinks on special occasions.

She has extreme anxiety issues. For example, she will ask if the stove has been turned off a few times before leaving the house, again once we’ve left the house and fear that the stove hasn’t been turned off even after we’ve assured her. The same scenario can be applied to closing garage doors, icy weather conditions, family/friends safety, and a belief of a cheating husband.

She grew up with a bit of verbal abuse in her family and she felt like she could never measure up to the expectations set. She’s always been placed on the side since in older traditional Chinese families, if you’re not a male child, you’re just an outsider. She rarely had a father figure. She’s worked the majority of her childhood and continuously feels like her worth has diminished because she never finished college.

There is so much more, but I can’t seem to put thoughts into words. My father has been attempting to ease every one of her episodes, but I fear that may not be enough. My brother seems to avoid all issues, acknowledges there is a problem, and pretends all is well with the world as long as we don’t stir the hornets nest. I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but I’m seeking any and all advice, help and references I can get.

Thanks in advance for your help.

It is very difficult to watch your loved one suffer and refuse to seek help. It is additionally challenging and understandably frustrating when a loved one’s problems negatively impact the family and everyone suffers as a result. This seems to be the case in your situation.

Undoubtedly you are faced with a very challenging situation. There are no easy solutions. When someone refuses to seek help, then it is the others around them who have to make the adjustments. That may mean limiting your interaction with your mother. If she won’t modify her behavior, then you may need to modify yours. You have to protect yourself. Self-preservation is not a selfish act; it is a necessity. It is important to do your best to help your mother in every way possible but it is also important that you do not let her problems destroy your life.

I have three main recommendations for you. One would be to consider family therapy or individual therapy. Family therapy may be an option if she is willing to go with you to counseling. Even if she isn’t, therapy could teach the family the necessary tools that are needed when caring for a loved one with mental illness. It could also facilitate consistency. Working together as a family may also provide the leverage needed to gently urge your mother into treatment.

There are other possible advantages of family therapy. If the rest of the family is open to counseling, then she may be more willing to go to treatment. If everyone else is willing to make adjustments to their behavior, then she may be open to doing the same. It also sends the message that she isn’t “the problem” and that the family unit as a whole could benefit from a positive intervention.

Individual therapy could teach you how to better and more effectively interact with your mother. The therapist could help you to understand the importance of boundaries and teach you the logistics of how to achieve this important step. In addition, he or she can also help you deal with the psychological and emotional aspects often associated with caring for a mentally ill family member.

The second suggestion involves contacting a local National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) support group. NAMI is an advocacy group that is dedicated to helping individuals with mental illnesses and their family members. They are particularly well-versed in the challenges of having a family member with a mental illness. Most communities across the country have a local NAMI support group. Visit their website for more information.

My third suggestion involves psychoeducation about borderline personality disorder. Pay close attention to educational material designed for the family members of individuals with borderline personality disorder. There are many resources available. One popular resource is The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Egg Shells by Randi Kreger. You may also want to try the Family Connections program.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Mom May Be Borderline But Refuses Help