Cheater Archives

My girlfriend and I have had an interesting relationship so far. We met when we were both with someone else, first it was just talking and joking around, then it happened. I had never cheated on anyone in my entire life up to that point. Her guy found out and a few months after they tried to work it out, he basically threw her to the trash, which is ironic since he had a kids with his other woman besides her. She went no contact with me for a few months, then one day she text me. It was slow going at first but now we are together and moving in together.

Something very strange happened the other day, we were riding in the car and got to a stop sign and he was at the same stop sign. She tried to duck and hide so he couldn’t see her. I asked her why she hid and she gave me some lame excuse about it being habit and so on and so forth. We talked it out and got past it.
So yesterday I was informed that she was going on a trip with girlfriends in Jan. When I asked who, it changed to a group of ppl from the business that he owns. I am not sure how I feel about that. I know she’s not over him and I have been patient till this point but I don’t think Im comfortable with my GF going on a cruise that her ex is going to be on when shes not over him. She has expressed the fact that she doesn’t really like any of the people, so I am not exactly sure why she would be going…… Sometimes I think there is something I am missing and sometimes I think I am just being paranoid.

Some one give me an opinion on this!

I do not believe you are being paranoid. She’s not over her ex but is planning a vacation with individuals she admittedly doesn’t like and where he will be present. She might be using the vacation as a ‘cover’ to be with her ex. She was initially dishonest about who she would be vacationing with. She has a history of cheating (though I do not subscribe to the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ philosophy; people can change). In addition, the incident at the stop sign is suspicious. Was she ashamed of being seen with you or perhaps did not want her ex to know that she was now with you? There is no logical reason why she would need to hide from her ex. I believe you are correct to be concerned.

If her upcoming vacation plans make you uncomfortable then you should tell her and she should strongly reconsider. Whether or not she decides to go on this vacation could be very telling for the relationship. She is in a relationship with you and if it bothers you, then it is a problem for the relationship. If it matters to you, then it should matter to her.

I am sure that there are many more details about the relationship not included in the letter. My sense of the situation is that her decision to go on vacation could be a ‘make or break moment’ for the relationship. If she decides to go on vacation despite your legitimate concerns, then you need to strongly reconsider staying in the relationship. Good luck. I wish you well.

Ok i’m kind of have a feeling of being out of control. My ex and I broke up a month ago b/c he was a cheater and I found out many instances where he wasn’t faithful to me in our relationship-we were together for a year off and on (he flew out to visit ex g/f in cali and told me he was going mtn biking, emailed/chatted with Transexuals online, emailed girls on myspace, craigslist, dating websites etc). I’m 26 he is 27.

I kept going back to him, i don’t know why?! We broke up the day after christmas- i broke up with him he was being standoffish with me again and I couldn’t take it anymore. After a month of being friends (janurary til now). He was helping me train for a triatholon we ran 6 miles every weekend the month we were broken up. This past friday he wanted to take me out to dinner(i thought new beggings) and we had a great time and unfortunatly we ended up sleeping together after dinner. Oops! Next day didn’t hear from him while the whole previous week b4 this dinner he was texting me saying- i miss you, i love you, i can’t wait to see u etc.

So I got pissed the next day after our dinner date and went off on him BIG TIME telling him to f*** off, lose my #, saying he’s a jerk etc. He stopped talking to me. I apologized next day. He texted me a few times afterward like we were friends again. Thursday he texted me “good night sam” i didn’t respond bc I was in bed. Than yesterday(friday) I texted him later that day saying “how is your day” and heard nothing. Texted him again “?”. and Nothing. He would usually ALWAYS text me back. So than i texted him “I guess ur not talking to me anymore. That’s OK. we haven’t been getting along lately and need the space anyway. byes. Have a good wkend, be safe.” i said “be safe” cause it’s snowing. Do you think what i said was OK? and the right thing? I did’nt want to flip out on him again. I have done it a few times now since we broke up and i say really hurtful things to him.

I guess i haven’t gotten over his cheating ways and i feel like a crazy person sometimes. Why do i want him in my life when he treats me so badly behind my back? I need some insight to why i get upset when i dont hear from him. and why i feel like i need him in my life? I don’t have a bad childhood or a bad relationship with my parents- i feel very normal. but maybe its a syndrome of having something I can’t? help?

There could be many reasons why you feel like you must have your ex in your life. Some possibilities include loneliness, feeling that you cannot attract another man, convenience, or low self-esteem. These are some possibilities and there may be many others.

Another possibility is that no one modeled for you what a good relationship is like. You had a good childhood and you have a healthy relationship with your parents. Even so, their relationship may not have been healthy and that could have been where you learned some of your problematic behaviors. Since you did not describe their relationship it is difficult for me to determine whether it is the source of your problems. If you were to analyze your life, I wonder if there are any family members who have a similar relationship to the one you have with your ex? If so, that may be the source.

Some individuals will tolerate an unfaithful partner if they are single, lonely or feel that there are no prospective relationships. Why? Because they don’t like to be alone. For some people, being in an unhealthy relationship is better than not being in a relationship at all. Those same people, if they met someone new and felt that relationship had promise, would then and only then break off the old relationship. If the new relationship failed then they might attempt to reconnect with their ex, even if it meant being treated badly again. As I mentioned above, the common theme is that any relationship, even if it’s a bad one, is better than no relationship. The motivating force behind tolerating a less than healthy relationship is often a fear of being alone. It is a characteristic of dependent personality disorder.

The relationship you have described does not seem healthy. I would advise you to consider therapy. Therapy could help you understand why you are accepting of a relationship that does not benefit you and may in fact be harmful. You may be able to analyze and determine the source of your behavior. You could also learn new and better ways to cultivate a healthy relationship. Therapy is the ideal place to deal with relationship problems. Many people have found the website Psychology Today to be helpful for searching for therapists in their community. I wish you well. Thank you for your question.

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