Tag:

Childhood Abuse

Scared Wife Is Detaching from Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. December 16, 2023

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Well to start off my wife and I have been married for 4 years, and have 2 beautiful children together. The problem started about 2 months ago, I recently got a job that requires me to travel periodically. Got back from a week long trip and I could tell that my wife was acting differently. The next day I asked her about it, she said that she loves me, but not in love with me. We talk about it and I told her I was gonna try to win her back but give her, her space. Two days later she said that she’s in love with me, said that she thinks it was a emotional response for me leaving. Saying she shut down her feeling so she wouldn’t miss me. Fast forward two months and it happens again, same exact thing. Then she throws in there that she doesn’t think that she was in love with me even when we got married. And this time I have to leave for a month for my job. Again we talked about it, she says that she wants to try to work it out, that maybe she’s just not capable of loving someone because of her horrible childhood. But I’m worried that I am going to lose her, and I don’t know how to save it. She doesn’t want to try counseling or anything wants to work it out on our own. Is there anything I can do to bring her back to me, or should I just give her space and back off, and prepare for the worst?? (age 31, from US)

A: You are in a difficult situation. If you push too much, you may push her away, but if you just back off to give her space, she may not feel that you care enough to fight for the marriage. On the positive side, it sounds like these problems really only started around the same time you got the new job requiring travel, so hopefully it is just an adjustment period. It could be that your traveling is triggering some underlying issues for her regarding abandonment — or some other left over issues from her “horrible childhood,” and with time things will stabilize again.

It is unfortunate that she isn’t willing to go to counseling right now, but that doesn’t stop you from going. If you set up some appointments for yourself it might show her how much you really care. It might also help pave the way for her to join you or decide to see someone herself. The therapist can also help you deal with the negative effects of the traveling job and your wife’s response to it.

If things don’t improve in the next few months, you might have to reconsider the job and its effect on your family. Aside from therapy, you might benefit from reading some self-help books on marital problems and childhood abuse and neglect, such as Outgrowing the Pain Together. I hope things work out for the two of you and you are able to work through this difficult time.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

December 16, 2023 0 comments

Erratic Uncontrollable Mood Swings and Anger

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. March 11, 2022

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Since I was a child I’ve experienced extreme changes in mood with no explainable reason behind them. Counselors have always explained it as a result from physical and emotional abuse as a child. I’m almost 30 now, married with two children and have every reason in the world to be happy, but I never feel that way. My temper/attitude seems to be getting worse every year. I’ve noticed a pattern that falls into play around the same time every year. (August – October) I become overwhelmingly upset and depressed with my life. Never anything in particular, just everything at the same time. I feel “something has to change,” and I end up making split-second decisions that affect everyone around me. Within the last 5 weeks, I’ve left my home where my husband of 10.5 years still lives, I see my children every 2 days, and I’m no longer able to enter my home which we’ve lived in and owned 8 years now. The pure thought of walking through the door causes me so much anxiety that I become extremely angry, which leads to violent behavior. I’m not able to pin-point a direct cause for these feelings, and in the back of my mind would love to return home. I just can’t force myself to do it. The worst part about it is that I don’t understand or recognize the issue or reason why. I’m constantly angry, but I’m never able to explain why. I feel like everyone would be better off if I were to just disappear. I don’t know what to do since I have no medical insurance, no money, and medications have never made a difference in the past. All of which ends up leading to overwhelming unexplainable anger. Why am I so angry all the time, if I don’t have a reason to be? Why am I unable to enjoy the little experiences in life and with my family without having irrational thoughts about breaking things and hurting people? I’m not a violent person. But I turn into one when I feel “an attack” coming on. I begin feeling extremely overwhelmed. It feels like there’s electricity inside me that needs to be released, and as the energy continues to build I “black out.” When I calm down, I don’t remember what I’ve said, what I’ve done, or why it even happened. But more often than not, there’s a mess waiting for me to clean up. It’s controlling my life, relationships, and my work. I don’t want my children to hate me or to be afraid of me like I was of my mother. I don’t want to turn into her. That is what has controlled every rational thought and decision I’ve made since the age of 10. It’s beginning to become harder and harder to prevent and control. What can I do? Please Help! (age 29, from US)

I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. It is very unsettling to not feel in control of your emotions or behavior. I’m wondering why you seem to be discounting the statements from past counselors relating your issues to childhood abuse? Working with victims of trauma is one of my specialties and trauma could certainly explain most of what you have written here. Post-traumatic stress disorder can linger for years and affect our lives in every possible way. It is time to get back into therapy and specifically see someone who specializes in trauma and abuse. I would also suggest that you look into a type of therapy called EMDR. It has been shown to be very effective in helping clients heal from the effects of trauma.

I know you stated that you have no insurance or extra money, but there are always options available. Most cities or counties have community mental health centers that provide services to those in financial need. Many therapists in private practice offer sliding scale fees. Most support groups are free. Do some research into what resources are available in your community, including looking into low cost health insurance.

I know that you said medication hasn’t helped you in the past, but you might consider having another evaluation at this point in your life and to have a complete physical. Our bodies change over time and the combination of the right treatments can make a big difference.

Don’t be a victim any longer. Take control of your recovery now so that you can feel safe in your own skin and feel like you have something wonderful to offer others, especially your children, because you do. You are worth it. You deserve to be happy. It’s time to dig in and get to work on YOU.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

March 11, 2022 0 comments

I Feel Like My Life, and My Mind Are Out of Control. Is There Hope?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 26, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I grew up in an extremely abusive home. My mother used to watch me get beat, she too was beaten, and there was never anyone that could help me. At age 9, I snapped and decided to kill my stepfather, but on that day my mother’s parents came took me to live with them. They showed me love, and cared for me, but I have always felt like something was missing from my life. I have sought to fill that void through relationships, but all have failed except the one I am currently in. I have had a spouse that got hooked on drugs commit suicide, then got remarried years later only to be cheated on, and now I can’t stop being suspicious of my current spouse.

I relive my abuse everyday, relive walking in to a bathroom after coming home from work and finding my first spouse dead, relive my second spouses actions and betrayal. Most days I am a nervous wreck inside. I have tried to commit suicide a few times, but was unsuccessful. I am not currently suicidal, but I feel that any day that could change. I see a therapist, but they don’t live my life for me and can not be there when I need them to tell me what to do. I feel everyone is out to get me, to a point now where it affects my ability to work, have friends, and may eventually destroy my relationship I currently have. I am scared for my spouse to do things on their own cause I always feel they’re up to no good. I feel like my life is always on the brink of disaster. I am paranoid about everything, and everyone.

I want peace in my thoughts, but I react negatively to everything because I feel like it is a personal stab at me or my feelings. I feel like no one really cares about my feelings, feel alone even when I am with my spouse, and always feel scared. My stress levels are so high that most days I feel like I’m going to burst, like all my atoms are just going to fly apart at one time. My chest hurts a lot, my mind and judgments are cloudy or confused, and I feel like I may just kill over from a heart attack at any moment.

Is there hope for me?

Yes, of course there is hope for you. People are amazingly resilient. Recovery should be expected. Be patient and don’t give up. Your situation can improve.

One of my favorite books is Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. It’s a good book for a variety of reasons but most importantly because it demonstrates the power of resiliency and how to find meaning in the worst of all circumstances. Frankl was a prisoner during the Holocaust and was almost killed. Despite living through one of the worst tragedies in human history, he came out an optimist.

He counseled many people in the concentration camps. Some of his fellow prisoners were abysmally depressed and suicidal because of the near hell in which they lived but Frankl gave them hope, despite their circumstances. I believe his book will change the way you view your life and circumstances. Anecdotally, it has helped many people with depression. It provides concrete ideas and tools for overcoming suffering. It is a one-of-a-kind book, and I would highly recommend it.

You stated that you are in counseling. You have had traumatic events occur in your life and are still reliving some of those traumas. You might benefit from consulting a therapist who specializes in trauma. It might serve as a good adjunct to your current treatment.

In addition, you might also benefit from medication. It might help you to feel less “on edge.” It is exhausting to feel as though you are going to “burst.” It is important to relax. Exercise, meditation and so forth, could all be helpful. There are many ways to decrease your stress levels. Ask your therapist to assist you.

With full sincerity, I most certainly believe there is hope for you. As an experienced professional, I have seen many people overcome psychological problems and live joyful lives. It’s often a matter of finding the right treatment. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

April 26, 2021 0 comments

Considering Suicide: Need Help Finding a “Detached” Therapist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 23, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m having existential issues. I have very good affect regulation and impulse control. I am on medication and have been in about 2 years of psychotherapy. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation, not as a function of seeking attention or because I don’t feel loved or valued (I very much am) – I am also accomplished and motivated and have a life full of things to do – I’m physically healthy. My primary psychological issues are PTSD from extreme childhood abuse and neglect and I have almost no ability to attach to people. I’ve found suicide to be a rational expression of what I feel is a pointless life that I don’t care for anymore. I need to talk to someone about this in a philosophical sense and my therapist is on the side of life and it is dangerous to her professionally to help me with this issue. I also cannot get the personal (though still detached) reflections due to boundary issues. I really REALLY want to explore what I feel about death the way I may explore the issue of abortion (I’m pro-choice but anti-abortion for myself). With suicide I feel I am pro-choice there too but I’m wondering if it’s the right option for me. I need someone to consult with who isn’t professionally obligated to “save me” and can be impartial? Like a spiritual advisor? Or are there therapists you can sign a pre-release to make sure they do not get bothered for malpractice if I choose to die?

You are essentially asking for assisted suicide. Assisted suicide is almost universally illegal. I am aware of no cases in which a mental health professional has or would knowingly agree to assist a client in ending their life.

In virtually all cases of assisted suicide, the individual who is considering suicide is experiencing agonizing physical circumstances. Their distress and pain are typically the result of an incurable medical illness, the prolonging of which could be characterized by some as tortuous or inhumane.

With regard to psychological problems, under no circumstance is suicide an appropriate choice or action. Research supports this assertion. Case after case, study after study, has shown that suicide ideation is temporary and fleeting. The feelings eventually dissipate. Studies of individuals who have survived their suicide attempts report that survivors strongly regret their actions and were grateful to have lived. Many of those individuals feel so strongly about their mistakes that they have dedicated their lives to suicide prevention.

You stated that you are loved but that you believe you’re not. That is evidence of an inability to see reality as it is. Nothing is more important than one’s ability to see reality clearly. Simply believing in the truth could prevent you making the biggest mistake of your life.

The inability to see reality clearly might also be a sign of depression. Individuals who are depressed are more likely to consider suicide than individuals who are not depressed. Those around you do love you but you do not believe them. It could be that you do not feel worthy of their love so you deny that it exists. Feeling unworthy of love is a signature characteristic of depression.

I would highly recommend that you strongly reconsider your plans. Take suicide “off the table.” Do not allow it to be an option. Realize that psychological pain can be eliminated from your life. It is often a matter of finding the right therapist or the right medication, or a combination of both. Explore your existential questions through meeting with a variety of mental health professionals. Become familiar with the work of Abraham Maslow, Viktor Frankl, and M. Scott Peck, all of whom wrote extensively about existential and psychological problems.

Finally, consider how suicide would forever alter the lives of those who love you. You may not believe that they love you but the reality is, as you have stated, they do. That is reality. In all probability, your loss would be devastating and their suffering would be immense.

I sincerely hope that you get the help that you desire. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

October 23, 2011 0 comments