Tag:

Clinical Depression

How Do I Help My Obese Son?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 8th, 2024

From the U.S.: I have an adult son 35 yrs old. Kind, caring good person. Good job, supports himself, lives alone. He and I have always been very close. He is obese 400 lbs+, colon cancer survivor, diabetic, sleep apnea, anxiety and depression. No close friends, no social life. We do not live in the same state. He says he is lonely and hates being fat. He does see a therapist on a regular basis.

He recently went through a weight loss program at a hospital. He noted he was the youngest and the heaviest. He attended all the classes and ended with a 1lb weight gain. He called me at the end of class and cried.

I have been very emotionally supportive of him. I helped him pay for the class but I do not contribute money to him in any other way. I have told him I would pay for him to fly to visit when he feels he can fit in an airline seat.

I don’t know how I should handle this situation. I am so stressed out with fear he is going to die that I can’t live a happy normal life. I am so focused on his unhealthy lifestyle and loneliness that I cannot enjoy my own life. I go from feeling sorry for him to feeling guilty that I somehow was not a good parent to being so angry at him for not helping himself.

I don’t want to make his anxiety any worse nor do I want him to think I am giving up on him because I love him so much. I am frustrated. I have told him many times that I love him and want to see him healthy and happy, it doesn’t help. I need to know how to bring myself to a happier place. I have cried myself to sleep so so many nights and I feel like the stress is making me sick. Every time I see that he has sent me a text or I see his number calling me my heart sinks thinking its never good news but I need him to text me good morning everyday so I know he lived through the night. Ugh. Even when something good happens for him I know the happiness will be short lived for both of us…HELP.

If the weight loss program focused only on weight loss, I’m not surprised that your son wasn’t successful. He is probably too depressed to have the discipline to do a weight loss regime.

My guess is that all of his health problems are inter-related. What they have in common is the depression. For that reason, I would want to focus on that first. A depressed person is simply not able to sustain the motivation needed to manage a weight loss program. The depression may also be at the root of his lack of friends and a social life. (Overweight people do have friends and lovers but not if they are chronically depressed.)

Ask your son to talk to his doctor about how diabetes and sleep apnea contribute to the depression. If he isn’t using a C-PAP or Bi-PAP machine, encourage him to talk to his doctor about whether it would be helpful. Many of my clients who gave the machines an honest try felt much better within weeks.

Further, if you haven’t already, encourage him to see a therapist who can help him deal with the depression directly — and who can be a weekly (or more) support in his life. Suggest to your son that you will be able to step back and give him more space if you know he is seeing a therapist who has skills you don’t have to help him be less depressed.

Meanwhile, as difficult as it is, it is time to take a step back. As you said, your life and happiness are too much entangled with his. That not only gives you stress, but it also puts pressure on him. You may be inadvertently adding to his depression if he is feeling responsible for your distress. Further, you certainly don’t mean to, but by primarily talking about your concerns when you speak to him, you may be reinforcing the depression.

By all means, ask him to call you with good news but suggest that, for awhile at least, you will take a break from always talking about his health. Then take steps so you can have positive things about your life to report to him when you are talking to each other. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy before you got so wrapped up in your worry about your son. Then make every effort to reclaim your involvement in some of those activities.

You certainly have legitimate reasons to be very worried about your son. But sharing the worry with him hasn’t been effective. Why not talk these suggestions over with your son and see what he thinks might be more helpful?

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 8, 2024 0 comment

Do I Have Depression?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 5th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I was hoping to get an expert’s opinion on this before I seek help. I think I may have clinical depression. I’m not going to get too much into my personal life since I’m supposed to keep this short.For years now, I’ve been feeling very down. Nothing has really excited me and in general I have a pretty negative outlook on life. I feel completely hopeless both in my current situation and while thinking about my future. I always thought it was just hormones and well teenage stuff. I’m nearing the end of my teens now and it hasn’t gone away. In fact, it’s gotten much worse. Lately, I’ve been having a lot of trouble focusing. I used to be able to write school papers in one sitting without too much of a problem. This last week I was supposed to write a one page autobiography and how it relates to my chosen career. I sat down for a good hour and a half and all I had down was three sentences. I have been having short term memory issues-at the end of the day I have trouble even recalling what I did for most of it. I’ve also found that I’ve become very irritable. The littlest things will really start to tick me off. Most of the time I’m melancholy. I don’t really find any joy or excitement for anything, not even what used to be my favorite things to do. There are moments that I want to just break down and cry for no discernible reason. I do have a few moments throughout the day where I feel extremely happy and excited but they go away after maybe a minute at the most. Over the years I’ve just been able to knuckle down and muddle though the days but recently I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. They are nothing too serious as of yet, but they are a serious cause of concern. I’ve also been very fatigued. These days just walking up and down the stairs is taxing. Now, I do have breathing issues, but I really don’t think that’s all there is to it. I took the survey on this site and I scored a 58, severe depression. I have also been to several sites looking at the symptoms of depression. I have most if not all of the ones on every site I’ve been to. I’m writing this because I would like confirmation on what I have found out on my own. Also, I was wondering how I would go about seeking help. I would really like to avoid therapy if at all possible. I am very shy and reserved, I don’t think I would really be able to talk to the person much less enjoy it. If I were to go to a psychiatrist to get formally diagnosed, what would possible treatment options be? Also, I’m sorry that this is so long. I’m pretty sure it’s over 400 words. Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to a response.

From the information that you have provided, depression seems like a realistic possibility. You have many of the signs; most serious among them are suicidal thoughts. Happy people don’t contemplate suicide. Suicidal thoughts should always be taken seriously. Undoubtedly, you should seek professional help.

You stated that you want to avoid psychotherapy. It may not be what you want to do but psychotherapy is necessary to treat your condition.

You should also consider medication. Millions of people have had success with antidepressant medication. Medication works best when the client is also in psychotherapy.

Acquiring psychological services typically begins by visiting your primary care physician. Report your symptoms and ask for a referral to a mental health professional. Typically, you will either be referred to a psychologist or a clinical social worker for psychotherapy services. Your primary care physician may prescribe an antidepressant or suggest that you seek specialized services with a psychiatrist.

Therapy is the perfect place to learn to overcome your shyness. Being reserved may be your description of an inability to open up to another. Being reserved and shy is not beneficial to you. It is problematic for almost all people who feel this way. Have you ever wished you weren’t that way? Without exception, every client of mine who has described themselves as you have would have answered that they wished they weren’t that way. That is was and has been a problem in their lives. Shyness is a fear. Generally, shy people have been hurt early in their lives, when they opened up to someone. They were ridiculed or made fun of. They may have been described as being “too sensitive.” Sensitivity, as we speak of it here, is a gift to poets, philosophers, writers and therapists. Being described as “insensitive” is an insult. You need to learn techniques and methods to deal with social interaction while fully maintaining your sensitivity. A good therapist can teach you exactly what you need to learn.

Please search my earlier posts for my advice on how to find a good therapist.

Little things, over time, can add up to full-blown depression. Thank you for writing and from one sensitive person to another, know that I am rooting for you.

If you have any additional questions, please don’t hesitate to write again.

Dr. Kristina Randle

July 5, 2021 0 comment

What Do I Do? Life Is Meaningless.

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 25th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: This is an issue I’ve hidden for decades, but it’s become vastly more acute over the last 1.5 years since a cancer diagnosis.

Life has no quantifiable meaning outside of existence itself. Attempts to apply meaning are easily disqualified as contrived. I once took better care of myself. Since the illness, I realized it doesn’t matter. It didn’t do me any good then, so I just no longer care. It&’s like I’m trapped in a perpetual memento mori.

I hate my job although it is a good job that many people would envy. I no longer participate in activities I once enjoyed – I feel a little repelled by them, actually.

I’m *not* suicidal at all, but I just feel completely ambivalent about life. I’m bound by obligations and love for my family, however, to continue my daily routines, even though I really just want to drop out and become a hermit.

I hate socializing. I like being anonymous in a crowd – like going to a fair and to people watch. But I don’t want to interact with others. I always feel awkward, inadequate and anxious.

I am a genuine fake. I’m just smart enough to fake my way into jobs, for example, and reflective enough to understand how this has limited everything I do.”Fake it til you make it” sounds good in theory, but it doesn’t end well. I realized this a little too late in life to change anything.

My illness is technically in remission, but it’s a very rare form of cancer, so there is no end to it. Even after, just for example, five years, I was told by my doctor, we can’t call it cured because they don’t know enough about it. So here I am, a victim of defective DNA with endless ongoing oncology visits, forever and ever amen – talk about a recipe for deep, philosophical self-loathing.

I’ve went from existentialist to nihilist to absurdist. I can’t take anything seriously because none of it really matters.

I love the arts and cling to them for some grounding in sanity. But my ability to create has been hamstrung.

What is going on with me?

Thank you for writing. You are describing what may be the symptoms of a clinical depression. It is not an unusual reaction to diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. Many cancer patients report feelings much like yours. I deeply sympathize. The fear and uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis and the pain of treatment sends many people into a very dark place.

You survived but you aren’t fully alive. You are already acting as if you died, when you have been given a chance to make the most of living. Rather than searching anew for meaning, your depressed self has embraced a philosophy of meaningless. The cancer didn’t kill you but your emotional reaction is stealing your life.

The way out is to get mental health treatment to help you reexamine your thinking and rebuild your life. Please look for a therapist who specializes in working with cancer survivors. In addition, check with your local hospital to see if there is a cancer patient support group. You are not alone. There are many others on the same journey who have worked themselves out of the darkness and who can provide you with practical help and emotional support.

Since you are a philosophical person, I do suggest you read or re-read Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning. It may give you some helpful perspective.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 25, 2021 0 comment