Closest Thing Archives

Okay, so, here it goes: I can’t talk to people, I can’t relate to anyone, I can’t have long lasting friendships or a steady boyfriend or anything. The only relationships I can keep are familial ones.

I get really anxious when I hang out with people, and unless they’re close with me I won’t tell them anything personal. I barely tell my own mother anything personal. I like to keep to myself, but sometimes I really need someone to talk to and let it all out. And I have no one I can do that with– and it’s all because of me. I just can’t trust another human being. I always feel like everyone is judging me, whenever I say something I feel like it was stupid (even though it probably wasn’t) and I shouldn’t have said it, so then I just turn quiet and even though I know I should keep talking I get too scared of saying something else that could be potentially embarrassing. And even if no one is judging me, or mocking me or whatever it is that I’m scared of, the possibility that they might is enough to make me want to lock myself in my room and never come out.

I never had a serious relationship. The closest thing to one lasted a couple months and ended in disaster because I just couldn’t handle it. The second we were a couple I wanted out (but I wouldn’t break up with him, I waited until he got fed up enough to break up with me), and the second we weren’t I regretted not being able to be a good girlfriend. But men/sex (notice how they’re grouped together?) freak me out. I’m not a virgin, but the few times I’ve had sex I was intoxicated. Otherwise I feel too vulnerable, and I can’t make myself go through with it. And men, even if we’re just having an innocent conversation, in the back of my mind I think they want to have sex with me, if that makes any sense. So they scare me, because sex scares me (which sounds freakin’ nuts, I know), and to me that’s all a guy cares about.

And my Ex even told me he wasn’t going to rush things, that he wasn’t going to make me do anything I didn’t want to, but I STILL couldn’t be alone with him or be really intimate. I just kept thinking he was going to take advantage of me, because he’s a guy and that’s what they do.

I don’t know why I think like this, but I do know that I want it to stop. I want a boyfriend. I want to be able to be intimate with someone without being intoxicated. I want to be able to hang out with my friends without constantly worrying whether they really like me, or what they’re really thinking, or worrying whether I sound stupid or looked stupid. I want to be able to depend on others.

But the entire idea has me hyperventilating.

Please, help me. Help me understand why I’m like this, or what I can do, or something. I’ll take anything at this point, because the more I try to ignore it, the worse it gets.

So, please help me!

There seem to be two overarching issues: your inability to trust others and low self-esteem and self-confidence. Your inability to trust others is a multifaceted issue. You feel as though you cannot relate to other people. This ‘feeling’ may inhibit your ability to connect to others. It may be similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy: you believe that you cannot connect with others and thus act in a manner that is consistent with your perceived self-image. This may have been the case with your ex. In this example, the second you two became a couple you behaved (as per your letter) in a manner that essentially drove him to break up with you. That is self-sabotage.

Another possibility is that fear is holding you back. Whenever someone becomes too close it frightens you. The reasons for this may be related to trust issues. It may also be related to anxiety. As you mentioned, you are constantly focused on what other people think of you. This focus may be altering your behavior in the presence of others. Fear of what others think of you may be prohibiting the development of your authentic self.

I mentioned the possibility of having low self-esteem. Many confident individuals seem to be immune to the opinions of others. When an individual is confident about his- or herself and his or her abilities, what other people think of them is of little or no importance.

If I were interviewing you in person, I would inquire about a history of abuse. Some of the issues that you are struggling with are consistent with an individual who has a history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse. Individuals who have been abused often fear intimacy.

What is very positive about your letter is that you recognize there is a problem and are highly motivated to change. This makes you a perfect candidate for therapy. I would recommend finding a good therapist to help you deal with your relationship, intimacy and self-esteem issues. Those are among the most common reasons why individuals enter therapy. You can locate a therapist by clicking on the find help tab at the top of this page. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

First I’ll start by saying that I’m a 21 year old female who has seen the errors of her ways and has changed for the better. The real problem dates back to when I was 13 or 14 years old, even though the real issues have been around for as long as I can remember. I did a horrible, unforgivable, disgusting thing when I was 13/14 (I can’t really bring myself to say it because it is so sickening). I forgot about it for a while. When I was about 16, the memory of what I did hit me and I felt horrible. At first I had thought that it was a false memory and I constantly told myself that I couldn’t have done it. Soon after I came to the realization that I did do it and there was nothing I could do to change it. I became depressed. Whenever I was alone I would cry when I thought about what I did. I even considered committing suicide. I kept my feelings to myself because I didn’t want my family to worry.

A few years after that, I told my mom that I needed therapy. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what I did. Anxiety about going to a therapist and being judged started to sink in, so I ended up not going. I tried to suppress the memory but now the depression is back and I’m starting to cry when I’m alone again. I’ve thought about telling my family what I’ve done but I can’t bring myself to do it. If my family decided to abandoned me there would be no reason for me to live. I know that I don’t deserve their love but the selfish part of me wants to keep this charade going and pretend as if everything’s fine so that I can keep them.

I feel awful about this and the guilt is continuing to eat me from the inside out. I want to seek help but I don’t think it would do much good. If I can’t tell my family or friends what I’ve done how will I be able to tell a therapist or psychiatrist? My situation is constantly getting worse. I rarely leave my house. Since I’m too afraid to “get it over with” I do the closest thing I can do to it. I shut myself away and refuse to be a part of the outside world. I can’t even connect with my own family and friends (but really it’s always been this way). I’m tired of lying like I’m okay. I’m tired of putting up a front when I’m dying inside. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Thank you so much for writing. That’s an important first step. You have punished yourself for whatever you did for years now. It’s time to find forgiveness and peace.

Please consider that at 13 or 14, your judgment wasn’t the best. As you said, you have changed for the better. The person you are now isn’t the girl you were then. You are now in a position of strength to deal with whatever your younger self did.

Therapists don’t judge. Our job is to help our clients find new ways to understand themselves and to make the changes they want to make in their lives. Talking to a therapist is different than talking to family and friends. We follow a strict code of confidentiality. That’s why talking to a therapist can be a relief. You can get something off your chest knowing that everything you say stays in that office.

I do strongly suggest you follow your own good instincts and make an appointment with a therapist. If you could handle this by yourself, you would have done so long ago. To help you get by your resistance to talking about your problem, I suggest you write down everything you’ve been bottling up inside. Take that paper plus this letter and response to your first session and ask the therapist to read them. She or he will know how to help you begin to talk about it.

At 21, you have most of life ahead of you. It’s unfair to yourself and to those who love you to be so wracked with guilt that you can’t be all that you could be. With the support and guidance of a good therapist, you’ll find ways to put the past behind you and to embrace life again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Closest Thing

I Can’t Have Relationships

Haunted by Her Past