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Boyfriend won’t talk about a future

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend since i was 14 and he was 16 it’ll be 6 years. in Nov.2010.In 2007, i had cheated on him and i told him about it. i felt he was never paying attention to me he was always with his friends literally everyday whether they came over or they went to go play basketball or something, I tried talking to him and he ignored m. i didn’t want to leave him because we had a 1 and a half year old daughter at the time who is now 4 yrs old. He forgave me and we had come along way but now i feel we are back to where we started if not worse. i feel he doesn’t want to be with me anymore but also doesn’t want to leave me.

For the past 4 years we have gotten into so many arguments about him not being romantic or showing me he loves me. I’ve only gotten flowers from him once for valentines day. ONCE. He barley says i love you unless i say it first and he says it back but it’s like it has no meaning to him. I tell him everyday that i love him but I’m starting to get to a point where i want to give up but i feel guilty. even though He has not been perfect he has done plenty of things that he shouldn’t have.

we don’t communicate at all. i feel like im his roommate who he has sex with occasionally about once every two weeks or so maybe more if i initiate it. he leave for work in the morning. i go to school. we come home eat take a shower and watch cartoons with our daughter and then go to sleep. He is always bringing up things about him having to support all 3 of us and how his co-workers wives do a lot with their lives and how i should be more productive. I feel i am doing all that i can but i am never enough for him.

also he doesn’t like talking about having more kids or getting married at all. he even gets mad sometimes when i would bring it up. it has gotten to the point where he has forced me not to want to get married or have anymore children with him because i feel like it’s a bad thing to want. I have tried talking to him about it and it always ends up being my fault because “i don’t do enough for this relationship”. don’t get me wrong he is a good man and a wonderful father i just don’t know what to do i need help I’m running out of options.

I think you and your partner are in two different relationships: You think you are in a love match that could be forever if he’d only see what he has. He thinks he is trapped in a relationship that he isn’t ready for and isn’t sure he wants. I give you both lots of credit for trying to make a go of this for the sake of your little girl. But from what you wrote, it seems that she is the only thing holding you two together.

Sadly, one person can’t make a marriage. It’s like you are trying to shake hands with a man who keeps both hands behind his back. No matter how much you want it; no matter how much you try; unless he extends his hand too, you can’t shake on anything.

It may be there is hope for this relationship but only if you both can get out of the argument and see if you can rekindle the love for each other. If not, the two of you need to talk about how to both be good parents for your daughter even if you can’t be good partners for each other. I hope the love you both have for your child will help motivate you to get to a counselor who can help you finally confront your differences and solve some of the problems. You all deserve better than this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Afraid of Middle-Aged Men

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Back story of my problem. When I was a child my step-father molested me. Since then, I have this irrational fear of white middle-aged men that are bigger than me. As soon as they grow elderly and feeble that fear dissipates, and up until they are middle-aged (under 40-ish) they are awesome. For the longest time I ignored my phobia, realizing that it was silly to fear every white middle aged man that crossed my path. I also know rationally that not every middle aged man is out to get me. So here is my problem today.

My fiance’s boss and a lot of his co-workers hug me when I drop by or run into them at company events. Usually, I get an uncomfortable lurch in my stomach, but I will it away and try to be nice. I’ve been doing this for about three years. One day I couldn’t ignore the feelings any longer and then I couldn’t stop thinking about them. My punishment for not dealing with it 15 years ago I guess. Suddenly it’s become something that I can’t handle anymore, but they always hug me and I can’t just tell them not to. They will think that I hate them or that they’ve done something wrong.

The only way to stop them from thinking that way is to open up about the molestation (which I don’t want to do with them), and that would lead to them being insulted by me comparing my experience with a child molester to them. Or, they understand and stare at me like I’m some fragile nutcase for the rest of my existence. Not something I want. Also, this is all kind of out of the blue for them. I haven’t had an issue with it in their eyes for 3 years. I can’t just say, “Nope sorry, can’t hug me anymore. It makes me feel sick.” So… I’ve been avoiding them. Which they are starting to wise up to. How do I get over this fear? I don’t know what to do. I’ve opened up to people about being molested, and I’m fairly open about what happened to me if asked directly, but I don’t believe this is appropriate to open up to my fiance’s boss about. Is there anything I can try to do that will help me confront and get over this craziness I’m feeling?

You don’t have an “irrational” fear. You had a terrible experience. Memories of that experience are being triggered by men who remind you of the perpetrator when they get physically close. This is very common and nothing to be ashamed of.

You are wise not to share your history with your fiance’s colleagues. It’s not their business and it could be awkward all around. I hope your fiance can provide you with some extra support when you are with his coworkers. it’s absolutely apropriate for you to draw some boundaries around your personal space. However, as you pointed out, after three years it’s difficult to change things with this particular group without an explanation. But you can certainly be more assertive about who you will accept hugs from in the future.

The other solution to your current situation is to get into some therapy to help you separate the present from the past. I don’t see this as a “punishment for not dealing with it 15 years ago.” Instead, I hope you see it as an opportunity to put an ugly event behind you now that you are older, stronger, and able to make effective use of treatment. I expect it’s terrible to feel like your stepfather still has any power over you. You don’t want what he did to determine how you react to other people who are only being warm and welcoming, not abusive. Therapy can help you regain your sense of personal choice and power.

At only 25, you have a lot of life ahead of you. I hope you will get the help you need to have a life free from this kind of fear.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Jealous or Insecure?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs we have 4 children the oldest is 9 and the youngest is 9 months old. My husband and I have been having problems for a long time.

Our problem is me I guess to say. I have a very Jealous issue with him. I hate him talking to other females when I am not around even the ones he works with. I feel they want him and he will leave me for his co workers. He has lost all his friends bc I don’t want him hanging with them bc I feel his friends are going to pick up girls and my husband is going to cheat on me. We would fight really bad about it. He basically stopped hanging with them bc he wanted me to be happy. Even his own mother I hated when he would g and call her when. Wasn’t around I would be so angry and start saying mean things to him, l only liked him calling his mom when I was around and it would have to be on speaker phone so I could hear. I felt she would want to say bad things about me. He told me that I was paranoid and she doesn’t. I would even get mad with her texting him. I always checked his phone to see his texts or calls.

I also don’t like going out with me I get so mad if he goes somewhere with out me which means taking the whole family out to the food store or where ever. I have hated all his jobs he has worked at bc I feel he is going to leave me for his co workers. I always called him at work his cell phone 1st and during his lunch break if he didn’t answer I would call back untill he did answer. If he didn’t answer it got me so angry and then I wild call his work line which then I would yell at the receptionist.

Basically I don’t trust My kids going to other people’s house as well. I don’t like them even taking the bus. I need help and envy dr thought I was depressed and prescribed depression meds which did nothing. They now think I’m bipolar and the meds don’t help either I don’t know what’s wrong with me I need help suggestions would be great thanks!

I agree. Your problem seems to be within yourself. You are in grave danger of creating the very things you most fear. Your jealousy is isolating your family from normal friendships and relationships. At some point, your husband will have had enough! As your kids get older, and going through the normal separations of the teen years, they too will withdraw from you.

What you are calling “jealousy” is actually very deep-seated insecurity. Either something happened to you that makes you feel that the people you love will abandon you or you have a personality disorder that makes you emotionally unstable – or both. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of what you’ve written. But a mental health counselor can.

I hope your family means enough to you for you to go get an evaluation. There is still time to fix this. So far, your husband is somehow tolerating your fears and is generally supportive. Your children are still young. With some work, you can save your marriage and keep your family together. But it won’t happen without the work. I suggest you take your letter and this response to the first session. It will give your therapy a jump-start.

I applaud you for writing. You probably had to work up your courage to admit that you have a problem. Hold onto that strength and call to make an appointment with a therapist today.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Stagnation in my Life or Depression in my Mind?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a young male who feels depressed at the age of twenty I should be happy where I’m at. I live with three good friends who I grew up with I work at a ridiculously well respected dealership in a small city, I’m single. The ideal situation for a male my age, but I am feeling grounded my job is a emotional roller coaster that is aided by bitter co workers who put you down at every opportunity and make sure I know I’m “the new kid.” (note my closest aged co worker is 25 years my senior) I sleep more often now and often Haft to fight myself to get out of bed in the morning. I feel guilty for things that are not bad. I often turn to drinking to calm my pain. My real confidant passed two years ago when I was 17 and now I have no one to really talk about my troubles with I feel just sad constantly and seem to only be my old self (happy charismatic energetic) once I’m drunk and even then I feel this cloud hovering over me. I constantly ask my self what ski doing? Why am I here? What is the point? And of course is it worth it to even leave the house? It’s just so hard at this point in my life to smile. this isn’t a cry for pity but a request for help I need to smile again I need to find a new road to happiness how can I do that?

Based on the symptoms that you described, you may be experiencing depression. I can’t know that with certainty but it seems like a realistic possibility.

Further evidence of possible depression is the fact that you have resorted to drinking as a way to deal with your psychological pain. People often turn to drinking as a way to emotionally numb themselves. In clinical terms, individuals who utilize drugs or alcohol to numb their emotional pain are “self-medicating.”

In every case, drinking makes a situation worse, especially among those with depression. Alcohol, chemically speaking, is a nervous system depressant. That means it could be contributing to your depressed mood. The fact that you have begun self-medicating with alcohol may mean that this problem is becoming worse.

It is also concerning that you seem to feel as though your life has no purpose. That is evidenced by some of the questions you’ve been asking yourself such as “why am I here?” or “what is the point?” Such questions may also be indicative of an individual who is contemplating suicide. You expressed no definitive suicidal ideation but it is a concern in all cases of depression.

You should consider counseling. Medication might also assist with your depressed mood. Mental health professionals deal with these types of problems on a regular basis. Utilize their expertise to improve your life. I hope you will consider professional help. It could help you immensely. You might be very surprised by how quickly and easily a therapist could help with your problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Overachiever But Emotionally Exhausted

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been working for the same company for over 3 years. I’m good at what I do, my bosses often call me a “star” Due to my

sales performance. I often make half of my stores turnover by myself, and consistently have kept up with my high targets and expectations until now. Recently I have been promoted to Assistant Manager, and I’m finding myself exhausted from not only keeping up with my own personal targets, but also trying to lift my co worker’s performances.
I do recognize that i could be a workaholic and an overachiever.

I feel like something needs to change as lately I have had depressive and emotional outbursts at work. I have recently struggled with personal home issues, and when this happens I tend to put my all into my working life, it’s like I feel that work identifies my success and self worth, only now I feel I have lifted the bar too high, I cant keep up with what is expected of me. Because of all this self doubt and internal struggles there have been clashes with me and my co workers, and my manager.

I feel like they don’t understand how emotionally exhausting it is to be the company’s “topseller” and to be an asst manager at the same time, I love my job but recently i just don’t feel like I can cope with the pressures of sales and targets.

I sometimes feel like it’s my fault I’m like this, that I cant relax, that I keep pushing, pushing, pushing myself to breaking point. I’m the only driven person in my store, so I feel like if the store suffers it is because of me.

I would tell all of this to my boss and manager, but like I said I feel like they don’t understand my nature. I feel stuck, hopeless, lost and confused. I feel like i’m only good at my job because i put literally everything into it to the point where it effects my mental health. Unfortunately now that the results are there and the bar has been lifted i feel like i cant go anywhere but forward, i have to keep pushing to make the higher targets, to make more sales.

Maybe I have depression? I really do not know.

The funny thing is I don’t even get paid well for what I do, I don’t know why I care so much, but I do.

You may have depression but it is difficult to determine. What may be driving your overachieving behavior is low self-esteem. You may feel the need to outperform your colleagues in order to feel good about yourself. Overachieving ensures that you are at least “good enough.”

I had a client who was a workaholic. His focus was on making money. He invested a great deal of time in his work but his career and money were not of equal importance to his wife. His marriage was damaged and he was facing divorce. His imbalance led to a great deal of suffering for both parties.

Your focus on work takes away from other areas in your life that need attention. By your own admission you are not happy. You’re putting more into your job than the good it is returning. It has become a detriment to your mental health. There has to be a balance. Something has to change.

Therapy is a great avenue to help you explore this problem in more depth. The therapist can also help you achieve a more balanced life and assist you in scaling back your overachieving tendencies. Click the help tab at the top of this page to review therapists in your community. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Sister Have Schizophrenia?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My younger unmarried sister thought that she is married with an unseen person and she feels and talks him mostly. I m here for my sister’s problem. Don’t understand what kind of problem she had and what sort of treatment should given to her. Some says that she has schizophrenia and some says that it is schizotypal. Actually we have no reliable doctor here and also our family not support us, some members are not trying to understand that she has any problem. They thought that she is acting or something like that for some unknown reason. Some of the immediate family members thought that this mental stage will recover itself as time passes.

She is an educated montessori teacher for 6 years, unmarried having no other emotional relation. Suddenly left her job 2 months before with the reason that everybody of my co workers were against me and don’t want me to job there. Now her condition is that she thought herself married with somebody which cannot be seen by any one. He give her commands in her mind how to live and she left the job because he ordered her. One day she told me that i m 2 months pregnant having 8 kids without the person who married me touched me. She feel her all the time that he is with her, she is talking him most of the time while watching any wall.

We talk to a psychiatrist and he advised to give her medicines for about one year and she should be admit in the hospital for early treatment. Now nobody in our family want to give her any kind of drug for such a long time and me myself against to admit her in hospital. Kindly advise me what to do? Is this schizophrenia or schizotypal? what kind of treatment she needs? and most important is this thing curable?? I will be very thankful to u please help us. kindly tell me what is the criteria to know is the doctor reliable or not? she saw the same person (now she thought married with) since an year, when an year back she told me about it that i saw him somewhere in the market or in any public transport i said that its all ur illusions but now she saw or feel him in her home, as she said. The other problem is that if some doctor suggests any medicines then how to make her agree to take the meds, i tried to give her some sleeping pills and she refused. She thought herself perfectly well. Also want to know that is the situation needs hospitalization??

You are dealing with a challenging though very common situation. You sister may have schizophrenia. She is clearly delusional. She has imagined that she is married to a person who no one can see. She apparently is aware of his presence and claims to be able to see him. She also takes commands from him about how she should behave.

I do not know whether she has schizophrenia or schizotypal personality disorder because I do not have enough information to offer a diagnosis. A doctor who met with her in person would be better able to judge what she may be suffering from. What is clear is that she is delusional and is refusing help because she does not believe anything is wrong. It’s very common for people with schizophrenia and other psychotic-based disorders to not be aware that they’re experiencing symptoms. Their lack of awareness can make it very difficult to convince them to seek help. Why would they seek help if they believe nothing is wrong?

You sister could benefit from antipsychotic medication. This type of medication can stop her from believing in things and people that are not real. It can stop her delusions and can help restore her to her “old self.” Antipsychotic medication may not “cure” her but it has the potential to greatly improve her life. Psychiatrists prescribe these types of medications. This is the kind of doctor she needs to see.

My suggestion is that you do what you can to get her into treatment and to take medication. Is there a way you can convince her to get help? Could your family convince her? Is there anyone in the family who could persuade her to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation? This is what she needs. Otherwise, if she is experiencing psychosis related to schizophrenia or another similar psychotic disorder, her symptoms may only intensify. She may even become so delusional or paranoid that she becomes a danger to herself or others.

Tell her that the medications can help her feel better. Explain to her that you are worried for her safety and you are trying to do what you can to make sure she is safe and well. Express to her your concern for her well-being and that medication and treatment by a mental health professional is a way for her to feel “normal” again. Utilize the help of your family or friends if you believe it will convince her to attend treatment. As I mentioned above, your situation is challenging but with your help and continued attempts to get her into treatment there is good chance she can stabilize. Please write again if you have any additional questions.

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