Congestive Heart Failure Archives

recently an ex-boyfriend came into my life. He had been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. I reconnected with him in a telephone call and went to visit him. He also has a hernia that looks like it weighs 10+ pounds on top of dealing with his heart condition. I care about him but also respect his wife. I informed his wife that we are only “friends” and will communicate with her every step of the way regarding his condition and I also requested as a friend if I could speak with him directly to see how he is doing and she is okay with this, but I am feeling that he wants his cake and eat it too. And, I am beginning to think this re-connection was a mistake and want to disconnect because of the emotional toll of seeing him in this condition and also, I want to respect his wife and family as well.
Please advise!

It may also be that your old friend is feeling pretty unattractive and scared and depressed. One way for him to manage all those difficult emotions may be to fantasize something romantic being kindled between the two of you. That may help him but it will threaten his wife and make life difficult for you. He’s too self-involved right now to take other people’s feelings into consideration so he may well be oblivious to how you and his wife are feeling.

I have a guess that you are feeling in a bind. You don’t want to be unkind but the situation has become more complicated and emotionally charged than you signed on for. You may be worried that if you distance yourself, this man will feel even worse about himself. If you don’t, his wife may read more into it than you intend and he may think you’re interested in an affair.

You were right to be clear with his wife and to connect with her as well as with him. If you have the time and energy to be friends with the couple, you could be an important support to both. I do suggest that you see them together until this gentleman understands that you are not girlfriend material. If you can’t handle dealing with both his condition and his unrealistic expectations, then the kindest thing to do would be to tell him that he has the wrong idea and that you can’t offer him the distraction of flirtation and romantic possibilities. You could tell him that you are flattered but since you are unwilling to be “the other woman,” you need to step away. Offer him your best wishes for regaining his health and say goodbye. If that’s your choice, you don’t need to feel guilty. He was the one that made the situation untenable, not you.

I do appreciate how hard this is. You had nothing but good intentions. But sometimes we find ourselves over our heads. In my opinion, it’s better to recognize it and do something about it than to allow yourself to be swept up into the situation and to inadvertently lead the old boyfriend on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I was Adopted at Birth, my step mom died at 9 and my step father drank himself to death when I was 13, I lived on the street for 7 months as a runaway from a foster care center in Chicago working 8 hours a day on newspaper trucks being paid $3.00 a day by the drivers, was arrested placed in a juvenile detention facility and then as a ward of the State of Illinois they had me committed to the Chicago State Hospital where I spent 4 months on the Mens Recieving unit at age 14 before being transferred to a to an adolescent unit CW 10, left the State Hospital at 16 hitch hiked around the country for two years staying at missions and working day labor joined the military where I served on Submarines, got out got Married had 3 children got divorced when they were little, I am now 57 years old with an 8th grade education and am home bound with congestive heart failure and emphysema, My twins just returned from Afghanistan all 3 of my kids are in the Army, my whole life seems to be replaying itself in my mind, and it does not make any sense it just seems so unbeliveable that anyone would have to go thru what I went thru, I am a very strong person but I need to come to terms with this, because thinking about it makes me angry !

Nothing can change the past. It will always be a part of your life. It is important to view your current life in a realistic perspective. Famous psychologist Abraham Maslow says that “getting used to our blessings is one of the most important non-evil generators of human evil, tragedy and suffering.”

You have suffered a great deal in your life but there are blessings that you are undervaluing. There is an old saying that may be instructive: “I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.” You mentioned that you have twins who have recently returned home from Afghanistan. In fact, all three of your children are home and safe. Many families have loved ones fighting in Afghanistan, who may never see their children again. The fact that your children went to war and survived is a blessing that cannot be overlooked or underappreciated. The fact that you have three children is a blessing. Were you not blessed to have survived the ugly, bitter events of your childhood?

Dwelling on the past might lead you to feel anger. Your anger is understandable but it is self-destructive. You were dealt a difficult hand in life but you have survived.

Counseling could be of great help at this time in your life. What has happened in your life can never be changed, but how you view it and respond to it certainly can be. Counseling can help you to accomplish both. I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Congestive Heart Failure

Was this reconnection a mistake?

Anger About a Terrible Life