My girlfriend and I were having sex the other night, out of nowhere she slapped, then punched, dug her nails into my arm then pressed into my chest as hard as she could. I was shocked… She jumped off me before finishing, although I think she was very close. I asked her if she was into hitting me, she said no, it was impulsive. We went to bed and didn’t talk about it in the a.m. Later the next day she texted me saying sorry I hit you. I told her if she wants to go down that road, it’s something we have to discuss before it happens. In the past she has requested that I slap, choke and pull her hair, but only when she requests it. We later talked in person, I want her to be happy sexually and I’m willing to experiment if it’s something she is into. I started questioning her with an open mind if she likes it, she said she hit me, then she felt bad… So she got off me and didn’t finish. However she said before hitting me, she was so raging angry at me that impulsively she started to hit me. She doesn’t know why she was angry at me, she just was. She said if she could have made me bleed, she would have. She doesn’t think it’s something she is into for erotic purposes, I told her if it is, don’t be embarrassed and let’s talk about it.
She is quite controlling with our day to days, she has admitted that she doesn’t like when I take charge in bed, she likes to tell me what to do and follow her requests. She isn’t a look-into-my-eyes passionate lover. She can be on again off again with love and affection. We have been dating for over a year, both in our later 20’s. I’m baffled by the lack of communication and her answer just seems confusing. Is she really that confused and doesn’t know what’s going on? Is she embarrassed that she may be into a more kinky sex life. The thing that sort of put a bit of worry in my mind is she said she all of a sudden was ANGRY and she wanted to HURT me, draw blood somehow but with no erotic purposes. Please help me out. Any in site or info would be appreciated.
****Since above I have had another conversation with my gf *****
I addressed the situation with my girlfriend again, this time I came from a place of concern. I’ve grown to feel that the hitting/punching out of anger to hurt me is dysfunctional. It had no erotic reasoning and makes me feel that subconsciously she may hate me. My gf feels I don’t listen to her. I admit I may mess up and do something that she has once said she doesn’t like, but it’s not often. She said that when I don’t listen and she can tell, it snowballs and she gets irritated and angry at me. I was ready to walk out. She didn’t apologize for hitting me again. She apologized once and feels that it doesn’t need to be discussed further. I didn’t get anything more out of her but she’s been a lot better the last few days. She does get really bad PMS. I’d say half of our relationship she is happy and feels like the my friend, the other half… It’s a nightmare. I don’t know what to do…
Hitting and punching you out of anger is not only dysfunctional, it’s abusive. There is no legitimate reason for her behavior. It simply wrong and abusive.
You also described her as being “quite controlling with our day to days.” That type of behavior is also abusive.
It’s clear that her behavior is not associated with a kinky sex life. She explicitly stated that her behavior has nothing to do with sex and that if she could have she would have hurt you more than she did. That is not an appropriate way to behave in a relationship.
Half of the time, your relationship is a “nightmare.” A good relationship would rarely be a nightmare. The percentage of bad times in a relationship should be very small.
It’s important for you to rethink whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. Couples counseling could help you to make that decision. It’s important to come to an understanding about what might be wrong with your relationship and whether it can be saved.
If your girlfriend is unwilling to participate in counseling, then you should consider individual counseling. The therapist will help you explore the intricacies of your relationship, examine the problems and help you to determine the best solution. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle