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Worried About My 20-Year-Old Grandson

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My grandsons personality has changed in every way in last two years. he used to be loving, & caring, now he is unsociable, & uncaring. He has no remorse. He seems to be real caring when things are going the way he wants them to. Spaced out and distend when he is just sitting around. If anyone tries to talk to him he dosn’t let them finsh he already knows the answer. He is depressed. I have tried to get help for him, but he is twenty so he has to agree befor I can make make an appointment to see a doctor. Now the big problem is Feb 1 my little dog is missing. I’m very upset about is. My grandson said, to me it is just a dog get another one. Two week later his mothers dog is dead. He said he just fell over dead. he was the only one home. Again he said it is just a dog, what is the big deal.

then a week later his mothers other dog is dead, again he is the only one home. And says he dosn’t know what happened she was just dead. Then three weeks later another dog of mine is missing. He said that the dog was in the back yard when he left.He dosn’t show any kind of concern at all. The only thing he can say about any of them is they are just a dog go get another. I would like some advice PLEASE HELP! Thank you, Waters.

Dear Waters, I understand your concern. This is a troubling and complicated situation. There are two main reasons why your grandson’s personality may have changed. The first is the development of a mental health disorder. If you and I were meeting in a traditional counseling setting, I could gather many more details and offer an opinion about a possible diagnosis. I currently do not have enough information to know what, if any, diagnosis he may have.

The second possibility is that he is using drugs. The use of drugs can drastically alter an individual’s personality and behavior. I would recommend searching the home for drug paraphernalia.

If possible, you should take the deceased dogs to a veterinarian. The veterinarian may be able to determine a cause of death. Knowing the cause of death could help you determine if your grandson is to blame. This would be very important information. In addition, until you can determine the cause of the missing and deceased dogs, you should not bring any more animals into the home. It is not be fair to bring animals into a home where they may be killed.

His behavioral changes are becoming a very serious problem for you and others living in the home. In addition, his lack of compassion for the missing and deceased dogs is very disconcerting. Coupled with his change in personality, these two traits are major red flags. Having him in the home may be dangerous.

As you said in your letter, you cannot force someone to get help if they don’t want it. If your grandson refuses help, then this may require action on your part. You may need to confront your grandson about his behavior but before you do, you may want to consult a therapist. A therapist could help you determine the best way to approach your grandson.

You may also need to contact the local authorities. If your grandson is killing animals in your home, then there is a chance he may kill other animals in the neighborhood. Animal cruelty is a punishable offense. Individuals can and have gone to jail for such a crime. Animal cruelty is also a sign of an individual who is deeply disturbed. I understand that you may not want to call the authorities to report your grandson but it may be the only way to stop his disturbing behavior.

I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Do I Need To Be Dominated By My Husband?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

…and spanked for punishment. Why do I have this innate need to be dominated by my husband? I recently asked him to spank me as punishment when I disrespect him by fighting with him or raising my voice to him and there are a few other rules we set when I asked him for this. My parents did not have a relationship like this it is just something I have felt and needed within myself since I married my husband. After he spanks me there is no sex – it is strictly a discipline session and then we just move on. So i don’t believe i would call it a fetish so to speak.

You don’t mention any sexual component to the spankings. You do say that there is no sex following the spankings. This does not mean that there is no sexual component. Do you have sexual fantasies about spanking or your husband’s domination? Do you need to feel his strength and power as part of your sexual relations? These are all things that I would like to know and would need to know if we were conducting a counseling session.

There could of course be deeper psychological reasons for why you ask to be punished regularly by your husband. It would take conventional counseling sessions to uncover this information. I would encourage you to write again with more details. There are many reasons why you may be seeking your husband’s domination that are of a nonsexual nature and I will list a few below. Please recognize that what I write below is not meant to be an explanation of what you are feeling but instead just an example of why someone would crave domination in a nonsexual way.

With an obsessive-compulsive disorder one feels the need to seek order in a anxiety-producing situation. Perhaps when you are fighting with your husband or arguing you feel anxiety and fear. To bring order to the situation, to end the indecisiveness, you simply ask for his domination which puts him back into control. When he has control you do not. In essence it’s like asking him to drive the car when you become nervous in traffic. The spanking is a conclusive end to an indecisive situation.

There are also possible psychoanalytic causes or explanations. If one was spanked as a child, as an adult that person could find relief by receiving a spanking. Before the child is disciplined there is usually a state of anxiety between the parent and the child. The child may feel unloved or frightened of losing the parents’ love during this period of anxiety. This period of anxiety is ended and thus brings relief after the administration of the spanking. The child may come to see the spanking as a desirable end of the anxiety.

There are many, many reasons why you could feel the way you do. It is something that you should discuss with a therapist. It is normal to have problems in a relationship. The most important thing, far more important than the problems themselves, is how those problems are resolved. The correct resolution is never for one person to simply submit to the domination of another. A marriage is an equal partnership and both partners should have equal power. In this sense it is not healthy to end disagreements or periods of anxiety with your husband by your submitting to his domination. Please feel free to write back with more information. Please also consider counseling. I wish you the very best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Having Disturbing Thoughts about My Friend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m worried about my thoughts about my friend. He is very depressed and has recently been self-harming by starving himself. He is seeing a therapist and getting help. At first I tried to help and it wasn’t easy as I was feeling depressed but i always put him first. But, I thought about what would happen if he killed himself and now I want him to do it, I want him to die. This is a horrible thing to feel.

I myself have been receiving counseling within my college and through discussing my childhood, she said that I seem to have been deprived of any attention & affection from when i was growing up (which is true and how i feel). I know that when I did start feeling down, my tutor offered lots of support and I enjoyed the attention and I made things worse just so I could get more of it. Now things are better the attention has gone and I’m tempted to let things go again. I haven’t yet and I feel I am much stronger now.

This thought for my friend to kill himself is because people know he is my only friend and I know, well, I think it would make me upset so I would get support. I just find it hard to be independent and I feel I need constant reassurance and attention. Wanting my friend to die is extreme and I’m concerned abut me thinking this.

I can function on my own in a limited manner, i.e i can get on with work within my college, care for myself. Although I am not very good at going out on my own due to social anxiety. I just after like a period of depression I feel good, great in fact and now I am planning on sorting my college work out, catching up and trying my best so I’m successful. But I need someone to push me, to tell me what to do otherwise I’ll eventually reach a dead end and I need constant support. If I don’t get it I begin to fall back to square 1 and this desire for my friend to die I feel is warning signs that I’m reaching that dead end and will need something soon otherwise I can feel me falling again.

I feel guilty and evil for wanting him to die just so i will get attention. I want to talk about it but I don’t think i would be able to. I mean it’s hardly normal and a very dark thing to say. I just don’t know what it is why do I feel like this, why do I need so much support? I am considering mentioning this to my counselor but i don’t know how she’ll react and I’m worried about what she’ll say.

Hence why I asked here, is there something seriously wrong with me to think in this way? I hate the feelings he doesn’t deserve that. I just don’t feel I can be any help to him if I feel like this and without him I would have no one, yet, I want him to die. It makes no sense I’m really confused I just don’t know what to think.

Thanks for reading.

I understand your concern. It is important to keep in mind that your thoughts are just that, thoughts. It is difficult to know for certain what prompted them. I suspect, as does your counselor, that the reason is related to your own unresolved psychological and emotional issues stemming from your less-than-ideal childhood. There is a strong possibility that your negative thoughts are a symptom of your own personal suffering.

To believe that you are evil is to pass a moral judgment about yourself but let’s look at the facts. As you wrote, you don’t really want your friend to die. You long for the attention that you might receive from being the friend of an individual who died. In addition, you have guilt about your feelings. As M. Scott Peck discussed in his book about the nature of human evil, evil people are not “blessed by guilt.” Guilt is a blessing to “good” people. Guilt is a blessing because it prevents behavior that would be considered evil or sinful.

I would strongly encourage you to discuss this matter with your therapist. The fact that you are bothered by your thoughts makes it a very important and appropriate topic for therapy. You feel shame about your thoughts but it is imperative that you are as honest as possible throughout the course of therapy. The therapy process is stymied when an individual withholds important information.

The other aspect of your question is why you continue to need support. An individual who has been damaged during his or her early formative years often experiences psychological problems as an adult. That is the standard psychoanalytic view of psychological problems and it seems to be true for many people. In addition, most people throughout their lives need guidance in some form or another. Needing that guidance is nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, many people believe that needing help is akin to being a failure. It is one of the primary reasons why some people refuse to go to therapy. In their view, needing help is shameful and it’s a sign of weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are not born knowing how to live. The fact of the matter is that life can be very confusing and guidance is often necessary. You have a therapist and many would consider you to be very fortunate. If you have access to the proper guidance, then I would suggest utilizing that valuable resource. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Very Anxious About Social Interaction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am very anxious when I talk to people, and tend to blank out, or just go mute. I want this to stop, please help! When I talk to somebody I get very anxious, my palms sweat, and I never can think of anything to say. I used to be a very outgoing person, now I seem to be unable to talk to anybody I do not know. I have tried many things, for example going out of my way to talk to people I don’t know, but either nobody responds, or I just go blank. I really want this to stop, I want to have friends like I used to have!

P.S: I also have major sleep problems and insomnia (if this might affect it in some away.)

I would have to know much more about you to know with certainty what is causing your problems but it seems as if you may have social anxiety. If I were able to interview you in person I would want to explore the change process that took you from being a very outgoing person to presently struggling with social interaction. Was there a negative event or series of events that may have led to your current anxiety? Something is responsible for your loss of confidence. You had it once and now it’s gone. In addition to anxiety you may also be experiencing depression. It is very common for anxiety and depression to co-occur.

Generally speaking, when interacting with others try to be yourself. Try not to worry about what others think about you because you cannot control what they will ultimately perceive. In every social interaction you should strive to be authentic, down-to-earth, and attempt to communicate with others in a sincere way. In other words, simply try to be yourself. Nervousness often occurs when an individual attempts to be someone that they are not or simply are guilty of “trying too hard.” If you focus on trying to be yourself, then the nervousness should diminish.

If this is an issue that you continue to struggle with then you may want to consider counseling. Counseling is a great way to improve social interaction skills.

Even if it is uncomfortable at this time, you should continue interacting with others. The more you interact with others, the more practice you will get and the more likely it is you will improve. A therapist can teach you valuable new skills in addition to their giving you objective feedback about your present interaction skills. If counseling is not an option, ask your parents if they may be able to assist you. They may be able to assess your interaction skills and give you tips about how to relax in social situations.

Your sleep problems should not be overlooked. I would recommend a therapeutic evaluation of your total situation: sleep problems, social anxiety and any other changes that you may have failed to include in your letter.

Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Fiance Won’t Go to Counseling

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My fiance and I have been engaged for over a year. Our wedding was put off because his parents asked him to build a house for them 2 months before our wedding! They had a perfectly good house at the time they just wanted their dream house. Regardless, my fiance granted their wishes and the concrete was poured the day that we were to get married.

He is VERY dependent on his mother. He is 46 years old and she handles his finances for him. On Father’s Day, he and I hosted a Father’s Day dinner for both of our families and while she was here, did nothing but talk bad about my fiance behind his back, to his own daughter, no less. It broke his heart. She would constantly call after that saying that their house wasn’t being built fast enough when actually it went up in 4 months and this was a custom built home. I have avoided them because I do not I do not even know what our average electric bill is because she pays it.

When she says jump, he says how high? When she says squat, he says how low? I have always been very independent and managed my own finances and at 46 and 39 believe that we are old enough to be doing this ourselves. His response to this statement was “You can go get them from her if you want to.” Well, shouldn’t he be taking responsibility being that it is HIS mom that he gave the reigns to in the first place ??? I have asked that we go to counseling but he is refusing to go. What do I do ?

Your fiance seems to have a co-dependent relationship with his mother. At 46, he is unlikely to change it unless he is highly motivated to do so. Another factor is that your future father-in-law colludes with her. He doesn’t tell her to back off. He supports her in her demands to get the house up when she wants it and as fast as she wants it. He didn’t stop her from downgrading his son to his granddaughter. Your fiance seems to be following in his dad’s footsteps and doing whatever makes his mom happy. She has a very powerful position in this family.

The fact that he would postpone your marriage to build his parents a house is probably symbolic of how it will always be. Her demands come before his happiness – and yours. You don’t have an ally in your future father-in-law. Only you can decide if your fiance has enough of the other qualities you are looking for to make the terms of this relationship worth it. Maybe he does. He must be sweet indeed for you to have juggled this situation as long as you have.

I suppose you could sign on for a lifetime of competing with his mother but that usually ends badly. You could also try asking to take the reins of your fiance’s finances to see what happens. It’s just possible that she doesn’t think he can handle it and has been waiting for him to have a partner she could trust to take care of him. It’s not likely but it is possible. Your other choices are: — love him for his other qualities and join with him in keeping his mother comfortable or — leave and look for someone who wants you as his true partner in life.

It’s probably just as well that the wedding was postponed even though it was painful at the time. You have had the time to really consider what kind of life you will have if you do marry this man.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Lack Confidence in Completing Nursing College

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I began nursing school in 1983 and got near completing it – to the final year. Although my grades had always been superior emotionally I was a wreck and had to drop out. However, I DID discover at this time I had hyperthyroidism, and believed that had much to do with my stress over the last part of nursing ed. I had to stop, have treatments of various sorts for that condition, and it has since been under good control.

From that time until 2 years ago I have repeatedly restarted nursing education. I make top grades and do well in clinicals, but become so stressed, fearing I will fail, etc., I have dropped out every time due to this emotional state. This gets very bad as I try to remain in school.

Now, I am to begin once again – first of all – a class I need to retake having now taken it so long ago, then will re-enter the nursing aspect of it. Already – before beginning, I am becoming nervous and terrified. I must find the cause and remedy for this. It is my desire more than anything to accomplish this. In early years I worked as a nursing assistant in hospital and home, and love it.

I have been told my fear and the feeling I don’t belong may be due to the severe poverty level I was born into, and lived in until age 10 when I began living largely at my pastor’s and pastor’s wife’s home, literally being part of their family. They were able to give to me things others of my birth level never had – music training, I was the first to graduate HS in my biological family, and college. This pastor’s wife from back then – ’70s, is still in my life, and has tried so hard to encourage me through this (she herself is an R.N.). She has told me she has proven to herself she cannot encourage me through this and suggested I seek counseling for such – both beginning before, and seeing a counselor during the last part I have left, but never succeed in completing. Can you please help by answering and/or suggesting such a counselor. I live in …

I, the member of this site, have written this for the person who is in this situation. She has been like a daughter to me most of her life, but there is something that causes her to really break down when she attempts to go through nursing school. It’s not even that it’s a struggle for her – she makes top scores, does excellent in clinicals, and her instructors do not understand why she is so stressed, ending up quitting when she does so well. In her home there was some abuse of a serious nature, yet her mother was a very loving person – wanting the best for her children, and encouraged this girl TO stay with us to be provided what she could not give her – not only in monetary value, but in teaching her. She knows I am writing this to you – and if you wish I can give you HER email, etc., so that you may deal with her directly. I am just trying to assist her as it is now so close to when she once again attempts this, and tells me already she is getting panicked. Thank you very much. — pastor’s wife

Thank you both for writing. To help keep this answer straight, I’m going to call the nursing student “NS” and the pastor’s wife “PW.” The problem might have something to do with early abuse but in NS’s case there is a huge mitigating factor. NS was well loved by her bio-mom who so much wanted the best for her that she encouraged the relationship with the pastor’s family. She has also been loved and supported by PW who gave her what her own mom couldn’t. One possibility is that there just may be some loyalty issues at play here for NS since PW is a nurse. Does becoming a nurse feel to NS like some final betrayal of her mother?

If NS were seeing me, I’d ask her to imagine that we had some magic and all the obstacles had been cleared away and that she has become a nurse. How would things then change? What would she expect of herself? How would her relationships with important people in her life change? What does she imagine others now expect of her? Often imagining a positive outcome will highlight the fears. Then we would address those fears directly.

I do think PW is correct: NS needs a counselor to help her identify what is blocking an otherwise smart and motivated woman. At 47, I imagine that NS is really sick of this and wants to get on with a career she has been working toward for so many years. I can’t suggest a counselor but NS’s primary care physician would be able to help her know who to call. Someone in the PC community who comes from the same area might also have suggestions. I do have a bias that a therapist who is close in age to NS would have a more intuitive understanding of what it means to be getting older and to be feeling that it may be “now or never” to go for her goals.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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What Happens When Therapy Isn’t An Option?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been in therapy since I was seven. Starting with bipolar, anxiety, insomnia and now including borderline pd, avoidant pd, and PTSD. I work very hard to provide myself with an environment that is healthy and from the outside I live the ideal life.

Unfortunately, I continue to live with a lot of demons and anger that I literally can’t express without screaming, crying, and cursing. I work excruciatingly hard to keep it inside of me because I am so afraid of what will happen when people find out what a monster I am.

My question begins here. I had been with one therapist for eight years without me ever being able to touch the topic seriously. One day, I completely lost it on them. I let everything out. I was my absolute worst, but in reality no one had ever witnessed a truer me. They told me though that that was the last time we would ever speak. I then tried to kill myself. This happened this year.

I can’t believe that even someone I was paying to help me couldn’t handle my monster. The consequence has been my hatred for psychologists, psychiatrists, and basically anything associated. I know its kind of ironic that I’m asking for your advice but I thought it would be easier because you can’t see my face. I don’t know what to do. What does an extremely troubled girl do when everyone becomes the enemy? I want to note that I have been drifting from therapist from therapist in search of a “fit” and it only makes me sadder and angrier. I’m in between a bullet and a target and that bullet is looking very good.

You may be misinterpreting what happened in the therapy session. As you stated, you were in counseling for eight years but were not sincere with your therapist. Perhaps, when you “lost it,” the therapist realized that you had been withholding important personal information and no longer believed that he or she could help you. It’s not uncommon for a therapist to refer his or her patients to other mental health professionals when they feel as though they can no longer be of assistance. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not defending the therapist. I’m suggesting that you may have misinterpreted the event. It is a realistic possibility.

It’s understandable that you would lose confidence in your therapist but your opinion about one mental health professional should not extend to all mental health professionals. Therapists do not limit their patient clientele. Most therapists are willing to work with virtually anyone, no matter what the nature of their problems. Therapists work with sex offenders, rapists, murderers, etc.

You need to recognize the fact that everyone is not the enemy. Therapists have chosen to enter a helping profession. Someone who is willing and sincere in their efforts to help you is by definition your friend and not your enemy.

It is not acceptable to believe that suicide is a solution to your problems. It is instead a sign of depression. Viewed from a purely logical perspective, the consideration of suicide doesn’t make sense. Your perception of the situation is that you have tried therapy for many years and it has not been effective. You are in essence saying “why bother? I’ve tried it and nothing works” but your perception of the situation is inaccurate. The reality is that you withheld your true self, your deeper problems, your real issues from your therapist. That’s OK, because it does take some people a long time to trust a therapist with their deepest thoughts, the most vulnerable parts of their being. You can’t blame the therapy process for the fact that you withheld parts of you, important parts, from the therapist. Don’t blame yourself either. Blame the nature of your psychological problem. In actuality, I believe you had a breakthrough when you “completely lost it on them.” I have had similar moments, sessions, with my own clients. It was an important part of their therapy and the pathway to their healing.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider therapy. By your own admission you were not sincere with the therapist. It is very difficult to effectively help a client when he or she withholds information. I understand that you may be weary of therapists but this is not necessarily a bad thing. One should be choosy about his or her therapist. You should only work with a therapist who is competent and who has a successful track record of helping individuals with similar problems. Not just any therapist will do; it has to be the right therapist.

Please understand that suicide is never the answer. If you’re considering suicide you should go to the emergency room immediately or call 911. You should also have your possession the phone number to the national suicide hotline: 800-237-8255. Please take care. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My sister doesn’t see she has a problem

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My sister is 48 and has lived at home for the last 10 years. My mom does not require her to pay for anything. She quits all her jobs but tells us she was layed off or fired. When I visit, which is rarely because of her, I visit my mom. My sister wants to control everything we do from where we eat to what we do. When we go out it has to be the fanciest restaurant or place because she has no money but my mother will pay. At any meal my sister takes over the whole conversation and is extremely loud. She makes a point of only going to places where she knows the waiter or cook or owner so she can brag about it. She gets mad at you in a second. My brother told her his back was hurting on the bed she put him on and asked to sleep on the couch where she sleeps instead. She yelled at him and told him he lied to her about how is back was feeling. He finally snapped and told her she was a loser. My sister acts like a cat. If you tell her off or if she causes us all distress she will come back a few minutes later like nothing has ever happened. When you try to talk to her about her behavior in a kind and gentle manner, she starts talking over you loudly, insults you, and then takes off for her room or her computer. She hates my mom and where she lives, but when I tell her she can move she gets angry. When she tells me I don’t live here all the time and don’t have to put up with my mom, I tell her to move. She gets angry. She also has to throw in every conversation with friends that she is in the news business which she hasn’t been in over 2 years. She is a substitute teacher. She seems to embarrassed to tell the truth because she always has to keep an image up. She thinks her friends like her but I have been told by them she is hyper and obnoxious. She doesn’t seem to get it. My mom asked her to go to counseling with her. My mom went first and then my sister was supposed to go next but she came up with all sorts of lame excuses that she could not go. SHe has MS but a very mild case. Because I live so far away from her I distance my self from her because she is so toxic. I would just like to understand her because she won’t get help but at least I can have some idea of what is up with her.

There are at least two possibilities; First, it is not at all uncommon for a person with MS to suffer from mood swings, depression, and feelings of anxiety, anger, even rage. Sometimes it is misdirected at the people who love them the most and who they depend on for help. If I were seeing your family, I’d want to know more about how your sister is handling her diagnosis and whether she has been started on some antidepressants. Many doctors believe that the earlier one starts antidepressant medication, the better. Your sister would also probably benefit from an MS support group where people understand and support each other. People with MS can and do have productive, successful lives. Please do some research and educate yourself and your family about the usual symptoms of MS and how best to be supportive.

Then again — it does sound to me like the rest of the family is inadvertently helping your sister be a tyrant. No one is making your mom take her to a fancy restaurant. If the local diner is what she can afford, then the local diner it should be. Your sister doesn’t have to go along. If your sister hates where she lives so much, your mom can help her pack. If you don’t like the way she talks at dinner, you could just all take your plates and quietly leave the table. I have to wonder if your mom feels sorry for her or feels in some way guilty about her diagnosis. She, and the rest of you, are letting her be a bully. I suggest that instead you tell her that you love her, you wish she didn’t have MS, but that you won’t put up with her bad behavior. Then don’t.

Meanwhile, I hope your mother didn’t stop going to therapy just because your sister refused to go. I think it would be helpful for your mom, you, and your brother to see a family therapist for at least a few sessions to figure out how to be supportive of your sister, yes, but also how to work together to manage her better.

Life is short. Your mother is getting older. Your sister has an illness that isn’t going to go away. I hope you all decide to get the help you need so all family members can get to a better place with each other. You will all feel better if you do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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