Tag:

Coworker

Best Friend or Best Foe

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. February 22, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I had a best male friend and we were really close. He was there when I had a lot of family issues happen and when his long term relationship ended I was there for him as well. My spouse and I were separated and I was going through a health crisis and my best friend was there. As we started getting close to each other things crossed the line and we became intimate a few times but it wasn’t to the point were it was a weekly or even monthly regime. However when I asked him where we stood, he finally came out and said he loved me and cared for me and wanted to reserve our friendship because he had thought about us becoming a couple several times but was more afraid to lose me because if the relationship didn’t work out we’d have nothing at all. Well I was also still legally married and needed to clear that matter up before being with anyone. Well after he told me that I felt rejected and told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore and we shouldn’t talk to one another! Every day we’d talk for hours at work, over the phone and texting like crazy. I told him this in April and he stopped talking to me in July. He told me what I sad hurt him and he was trying to work through what I said to him but I don’t understand how I said this to him in April but he finally stopped talking to me in July. He did it cold turkey, the problem is we work together and he ignores me daily and since we’ve stopped talking in July he calls my mom 1x a week!! He had a relationship developing with my parents but it wasn’t to the point of calling until after we’d stop being friends. I don’t understand how he started calling my mom but didn’t want anything to do with me. What happened here and how did I lose my friend? I would like closure on this matter but cannot seem understand why he started acting as if he hated me but wanted to keep in touch with my parents. He avoids looking at me and the times he does it’s like he wants to say something but doesn’t. (age 30, from US)

I’m sure that they situation is more complicated than this, but the simple answer is that you lost your friend because you told him you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I think you need to take some responsibility in the situation. After crossing the friendship line, you asked him where you stood and he answered you honestly. You didn’t like his answer and felt rejected so you then rejected him. It might have taken three months to self destruct, but ultimately that’s what happened.

If you want to know why he isn’t talking to you but is talking to your parents, ask him. If you want to try to salvage a friendship with him, tell him that. If you feel like you need more closure, ask if he would be willing to meet with you outside of work so you can talk through some things. However, keep in mind that things may never return to the way they used to be and you may just have to call it a loss and move on with your life.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

February 22, 2021 0 comments

She’s confused by his mixed signals

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 4, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am confused about this seemingly shy coworker who seems to have a crush on me. On the job he is a loner, seems shy and rather passive, but excels in math and computer knowledge. His grooming is rather unkempt, but he did try to improve his appearance after I approached him after months of him watching me from a distance and not making a move. When he does hold a conversation, it is usually with much older coworkers then anyone around is age.

One of the things that confused me is that when I finally spoke to him he was stuttering, could not make eye contact, and did not know what to do. he was so uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable and did not speak to him again until months later.

This time I spoke to him right outside the building. He seemed pleasantly surprised and happy that I was talking to him. He seemed like a completely different person. His voice was strong, confident, and deeper than the one he uses with everyone at work. He maintained eye contact, was confident, articulate, and seemed very intelligent. He did not seem the least timid or withdrawn.

However, the next time, I saw again, a day later, he seemed uncomfortable looking at me and returning my hello and I heard him speaking to others in that same weaker voice and acting very shy.

After our conversation, he walks near or passes me, glances over at me out of the corner of eyes, but still does not approach me. In these instances, I did not go over and speak to him, but I continued to greet him in the morning, as I do everyone, but now he gives me silent treatment. He looks past me in my direction and won’t say anything.

I wonder if you could give me your thoughts as to what you think is going on with him. Are these signs as to problems I can expect from him if I continue to try to keep communicating with him? So far it seems he will not ever come up and talk to me and that I will have to do the pursuing. Something I am not keen on and will not do.

But right now he seems rude and rather self-centered. He is not thinking at all about hurting my feelings when he snubs me. He is not taking the initiative to get to know me better after I broke the ice between us. He is about in his 40s.

I do not understand his “shyness” with me now inside the building that was not there outside the building when he seem so confident with that different sounding voice. Though I like him, I can move on. Thanks

Why don’t you just ask him? It looks to me like he’s not the only one who is uncertain and “shy.” The two of you are in your 40s but you are acting like uncertain teenagers. I suggest you stop guessing about him and his motives and take a more direct approach. You could gently say something like, “I’m confused. You seem interested in me but you don’t talk to me much. I’m interested in you. How about we go out for coffee and get to know each other?”

As for my guesses about him: He may be hesitant to approach you when other people are around. He may have social phobia. He may have Aspergers or high-functioning autism. He may have a huge crush on you that makes it hard for him to respond to you when he is thinking about it. When surprised, he didn’t have time to get scared. Maybe you are making too much of all this and he doesn’t know how to tell you to stop without hurting you. I don’t know. Neither do you. Go for that coffee and find out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

June 4, 2011 0 comments

Panic attack relating to a dream

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 24, 2009

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was 4 my brother and a neighbor attempted to have sex with me. My brother also performed oral sex on me. After this event, which was seen by several neighborhood kids, I was shamed by my brother for years. At the same time he touched me on several occasions in an inappropriate way. In one recurring thing, he would rub his foot up my leg, slowly going higher and higher. I was also touched by at least one other child in the neighborhood. I further worry because I have memories as a child that suddenly become foggy (as in I suddenly literally see fog). I am attempting to come to terms with all of this and generally do not think about it often. However, I have noticed that when I begin a new relationship, I often start to revisit this topic.

On a few occasions certain events (such as having a foot rubbed up my leg during sleep) have caused me to feel scared, upset, sensitive to even small noises and worried about my son to the point where I have to go make sure he is safe. This happens approximately once per year or less.

At any rate, I would say that it was something that has been on the fringe of my consciousness lately. Then I was speaking with a teenage girl who accused someone of inappropriately touching her. While many people did not believe her I did and it began to bother me and bring this topic up in my mind. Then one night I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that a coworker was violently shaking me and I was trying to make him stop and I was completely terrified. I woke up when I heard myself crying. That night I woke up crying several more times. The next day I felt scared and anxious whenever I heard his voice or saw him. Then one night I was in the shower and thinking about the last time I had one of these events. Suddenly I became completely terrified. I instantly began crying and hyperventilating. I had to thrust the shower curtain open in order to make sure that no one else was there. I was trembling because I was breathing so hard. I began to walk out of the bathroom because I was scared. However, once I got to the door I stopped, because I was too scared to walk out; I didn’t know what or who was out there. I knew I was being irrational, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I sat in the bathroom for approximately 10-15. My fingers and toes went tingly because I was breathing so hard. After 15 minutes I was able to convince myself to leave the bathroom and talk to a friend. After an hour and half I was calm enough to go to bed, but with the lights on. I heard the sound of my cats footsteps on the carpet and tile and every creak the apartment made.

The next day I hoped that I would be better, but instead I was still scared. I could hear every tiny sound. The sight of the coworker I had dreamed about made me even more scared this time. I felt the need to watch my back and stand up against walls. These feelings slowly began to subside, but I am still scared to shower at night. This is by far the worst episode I have ever had.
Since then I have began having strange dreams. For example, I dreamed that I was being chased by men who were trying to break down my door.

I am able to function, but I just have been sensitive to sounds, and way more easily scared. Also, I am worrying that the panic attack or whatever it was will happen again. I suppose I really just want to know if this will subside like it has before, or if it will continue? What should I do? Normally, I feel like my mental health is good enough, but right now I am struggling.

I can’t make a definitive diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But what you are describing is consistent with the “flashbacks” often seen in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You have managed to put the events of your childhood aside for many, many years. I don’t blame you for being mystified about why it comes up now. One theory about such situations is that you are adult enough and strong enough now to deal with your feelings instead of pushing them under. I know that may sound ironic but there’s often some truth to it. I suspect you identified with the teenager who wasn’t being believed and that opened the door to your own unresolved feelings about having been similarly abused. It’s as if the unconscious mind decided, “OK, she has the resources to manage now so it’s time to allow the full extent of her feelings to come up to the surface.”

I suggest that you find a therapist who is experienced with childhood trauma and PTSD. Share with the therapist what you have said here and see what he or she thinks. If I’m right, please do focus on the positive. There is well documented treatment for PTSD. And you are telling yourself that you can handle it. Both things give you reason to be optimistic that treatment will help you resolve the trauma and deal with your fears.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 24, 2009 0 comments