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My Divorce Is Affecting My Current Relationship

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

I’m currently nearing the end of a divorce and have been dating someone for almost a year now through it all.  She has “accepted” the situation fairly well up until recently.  We still talk and see each other but she’s unsure if she wants to continue our relationship because of the ex-wife baggage I come with.  I have a 2 year old son so she’s not going away anytime soon.  I get along with my ex and we have an amicable relationship.  My current girlfriend is very resentful and jealous because I still pay all the bills for my ex, she calls me for help with things and is quite dependent upon me, even though she has a boyfriend as well. There is absolutely nothing going on between us and she is starting a new job soon which will allow her to take care of herself financially.  I will still pay child support and be very involved with my son but I’m hoping my contact with her will diminish very soon.  I’m 31 and my girlfriend is 22 so the whole situation is a bit much for her.  My ex is not the most socially adept person either so she has said and done some things to put my girlfriend on edge. 

I’ve been a little insensitive toward my girlfriend in the past saying “it is what it is” “you need to accept it”…I even brought her to the house one day so I could visit my sister in law and her family even though she didn’t want to go.

Is there anything I can do to help this situation?  I love my girlfriend very much and we have a connection you don’t find everyday.  I have to maintain some level of contact with my ex for the best interests of my son but if I’m missing something and there is a way to salvage my relationship with my girlfriend I am 110% willing to do it.  She obviously has to choose to accept or not accept the situation but I don’t want to miss the opportunity to help resolve things.

Hello and thank you for your question:

There were a few questions that came to mind when I read your letter. The first thing I considered was that many relationships go through a major adjustment period somewhere around 12 to 18 months. The freshness or “honeymoon” period has worn off and people are starting to see a little more clearly. This is the stage when people start moving from the infatuation part to either leaving the relationship or working pretty hard to have it develop into a mature, loving, longterm thing.

My question is this: what is the longest relationship your girlfriend has ever been in? Were any of them deep, lasting loves, or did they end around 1 to 2 years? Since your girlfriend is only 22, my guess is that she hasn’t had many relationships that were allowed to develop into a deep, lasting love. These require maturity and commitment, and 22 is still a bit young for either.

Second, no matter where you go, or who you go with, you will always be a “divorced man” with a child and baggage. And, we’re talking a child whom you love. Nothing should come between the two of you. Ever. You have a responsibility to your son, but you are also acting responsibly toward the mother of your son. Out of respect, you are helping her make the transition, and that is the honorable and good thing to do.  Why would a person who loves you ask you to dump what is morally and ethically important to you?

I would agree that it may have sounded a little harsh to tell her that “it is what it is” and there may have been a better way to put it, but you have been honest with her, haven’t you? At least it sounds like you haven’t tried to hide things, including things that may be painful for her to hear.

You are in a tough spot. Even though you may apologize, you can’t abandon your son and ex, and you love your girlfriend. It seems as though there may be a need to seek out a therapist who can help you two sort out these things. Ask your girlfriend if she would be willing to go to couples therapy. If she’s not, you then have your answer about the relationship.

If she is willing to try counseling, then you have a green light for making things work out. You can find a therapist in your area by going to Find A Therapist.  I can tell you though, there is no short answer unless you are willing to bail on your son. And that would be terribly sad for everyone involved. If you did that, you may sadly discover that your ex and your son are not the real problem for your girlfriend.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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Should she continue relationship with a man who does nothing?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi I am an 18 year old girl who is in the progress of ending a relationship with a 27 year old. The reason behind this is because I feel he has to much for me to take on and I am so young. By these things I mean, he does not have a car, he works at Wendy’s fast food, and he roomates with his brother and family friend by sleeping in the dining room area ( a bed is laid out. I truly care about this guy as we have been dating for a year and some months and he has really opened his heart. We have been arguing over childish things from early on in the relationship. As time went by and it got more serious I questioned where he was going in life. He has a felony so thats why he has had such a hard time finding good work and good money. We have had many fall outs where he realizes that things need to change and he has been trying to get his life finally started. His birthday was yesterday and he was very depressed about where he is and that I had decided to leave even though we love each other. I love him, but I want a boyfriend who can give me things, who has a car, who knows what he is going to do with his life. My question here is, should he get a car and get a place and progress with his life, should I continue my relationship with him? He is my everything and he is the smartest (booksmart) guy I know. I am not ready to let go of the relationship, I feel I am being forced to end it because of where he stands in life. If this was to change over time, could I come back? Should I come back?

A; I’m sure there must be something very sweet about this man for you to care so deeply about him.

It’s unfair to ask him to get a car and a place when he doesn’t have a job that can support them. But it’s not unfair for you to expect him to be setting some goals and to be working towards them. There is no shame in working in a fast food restaurant. Some people find satisfaction in the fast paced, social atmosphere of such work. Some people use it as a stepping stone to management or store ownership. Others work a fast food job while they go to school to train to do something else. Instead of assuming that he has no ambition, it would be more useful to ask him how he sees his job.

On the other hand, it may be that your boyfriend is scared to take the steps he needs to take to become a full-fledged adult. He has made mistakes in his life that create some additional challenges for him. Part of assuming responsibility for adult life is to embrace those challenges and to figure out how to move on. He may be book-smart but he may not be self-aware. If that is the case, some therapy may be in order to help him manage his fears and reach his potential.

As you pointed out, you are young and at a different life stage than your boyfriend. Eleven years is a big difference at your time in life. At your age, it is normal and appropriate to try out a number of relationships to figure out what you want in a partnership. The fact that you are asking whether you should stay tells me that, at least for now, you want the freedom to see who else is out there. I hope you and your boyfriend can wish each other luck and go about exploring your own lives for awhile. If your boyfriend gets it together and you get some life experience, it may be that you both will want to try again in the future – or not.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I want a better relationship with my mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My life was so enjoyable years ago. I was a straight A student, I made friends with anyone, and I was the most favored throughout the family. Years later it is the exact opposite. My grades aren’t straight A’s but it is nothing lower than a B and I have a tutor that is helping me. I can never shut my mouth and I always talk back to my parents. I don’t understand why I do this because I live in a beautiful home and I get anything I want.

I always feel ignored and I feel like my mom favors my siblings rather than myself. I take no interest in doing activities anymore except for track and band and it may be because I am not well at most things except for skiing and running but that is very expensive to do all the time. I’m a great runner if I push myself but other than that I fail at other things.I’m so sick at looking at other people’s lives and not understanding why I can’t have a life that they do.

I have a horrible relationship with my mother, I have VERY low self esteem ( I have dealt with anorexia) and everything else is just falling apart. All day I focus on what I eat because I get so worried for ending up being fat. I have all the signs of depression and bipolar disorder. I’m not sure if this has to do with anything but sometimes when I lay down for a while and when I go to get up I fall and everything goes black for a few seconds and everything is dizzy. I’m tired almost everyday but I get at least 7 hours of sleep. I’m always concerned about my looks and I ocasionally check myself in the bathroom throughout the day.

Anyways, I have dealt with many things such as physical and mental abuse from my mom. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t get called selfish,lazy,unappreciative,horrible,terrible,and self-centered. I try to call out to her, discuss our problems, and she tells me that if I say one more thing about her she will leave. I don’t know if I act this way from my past. On certain accounts, I have told my mother I wanted to kill myself and she just mainly laughed at me and said there is something mentally wrong with you and then I said well if there is then it wouldn’t be my fault and I need help.I don’t know I always tell my mother that I appreciate what she does for me and she says things like yeah yeah.

My mom talks about me to other adults, making me sound like a horrible child and all the other words that I have mentioned already. She expects me to do every chore there is in the house if I do a chore. For example, my siblings and I washed all of the dishes and did other things and my mom comes home and says, “Why didn’t you wash the dishes in the other kitchen?” and that made us all disappointed because when we try to do something for her she points out what we didn’t do or what we did wrong. I’m just so sick of dealing with all of this and I don’t know why I do things that I do.

I’m starting to go to church more often and I pray everynight for me and my mom to have a better relationship but nothing works and if it does it only lasts a few days then it’s a full circle again. I feel very bad for my mother because she lived a HORRIBLE life as a kid. Her mother physically abused her, she was raped, she was always made fun of, and her dad didn’t want anything to do with her and now she is dealing with a a lot of pain . she lays in bed and cries and throws up. And here I am, while my mother is giving me this wonderful life that she never had, I have to act like a spoiled brat and be hurtful. I really need some help. I don’t want this to continue. When she is gone one day I do not want to look back and regret what I have done. I want to have a good relationship with her until the day she dies. I really hope you can help me and tell me what I need to do. Thank you very much.

What a mess of troubles! I’m so, so sorry you are feeling so terrible. I’m impressed that in spite of it all, you are motivated to change things. Good for you.

I suspect that what happened two years ago is that you became an adolescent. School got harder. And you started to develop your own opinions about how life should be. Part of what is going on for you are the physical changes and emotional upheavals that come with the teen years. And part of what is going on for your mom is that you are emerging as a young adult. A lot of parents have trouble with that transition. In your mother’s case, her own upbringing didn’t prepare her to deal with the natural conflicts between mother and daughter in a way that is helpful.

If that were not enough, you are both struggling with physical problems. Your mom must feel crummy most of the time. You have struggled with anorexia. It may well be that the lightheadedness you feel is a result of not eating regularly or not eating enough.

I deleted some of your letter because I wanted to protect you from being recognized by people who know you. If you really want things to be better, I can think of a few things you can do:

First, stop focusing on how wonderful the lives of your friends are in comparison to your own. It may not be true. It does nothing to help you. Instead of focusing on your deficits, work on your considerable gifts. You belong to band and track. You’re a good runner. You have friends. You have a tutor to help you figure out how to do better in school. You have a grandmother you like to see. You do manage to have the relationship you want with your mom for a few days now and then. When you are feeling down, recite the good in your life instead of the bad.

Secondly, start taking better care of yourself. Eat right. Go for a reasonable run several times a week. Continue to turn to prayer. All will give you the strength to deal with the hard stuff.

You are fighting with yourself about how to see your mother. On the one hand, you are grateful that she has given you a life she never had. On the other hand, you are furious with her for the way she sometimes treats you. Both can be true. Appreciate the good times. Forgive her the others. She has had a very hard road of her own.

Finally, talk with your school counselor or minister about how to get some family therapy for you and your mother. A therapist will help you both understand and talk to each other. Your mom needs to learn some new ways to manage a daughter. You need to learn how to respond to your mom in ways that don’t make a bad day worse. If your mom won’t go with you, please consider going for a few sessions by yourself. A counselor will get to know the specifics of your situation and will be able to give you more helpful advice than I can on the basis of only a letter.

One more thing: If you ever think about hurting yourself, please call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. People are available 24/7 to talk to teens and to give you needed support. Their number is 800-448-3000. You can read up on what they do at their website.

I wish you and your mother well.
Dr. Marie

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Dating a recovering alcoholic

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I Have been dating someone for a little over a month. He has told me a little bit of his past with drinking. He said that he was in an unhappy relationship with someone for over three years and had been drinking, one night he hit rock bottom and slept with someone else. His relationship ended and he decided to get help through AA. The thing is he works in a bar.. AA asked him kindly to stop sharing stories with the rest of the group because they did not agree with him working in a bar. At that time I think he shied away from it. Didnt drink for five months. then slowly he would have a beer here.. a beer there. but never ever more than three. He didn’t like the feeling of his face feeling hot. He also feels that he went to AA for preventive measures.. before it got even more out of hand. Then he meets me.. and its amazing between us.. and i know both of our feelings are invested. I take him to a dinner party..its just us and another couple. He tells me he is not going to drink.. cool. I go in the fridge get him an ice tea.. I was told he wanted a glass of wine. The night progresses.. and I see him drinking more than a glass, I kindly hand him the tea and go out of my way to ask him if he would like some water. That night we get to his house and he tells me he drank over what he feels comfortable with and never wants to do that again. The next day we discuss it again.. and thats when I get the full blown story of him being a recovering alcoholic. That day he decided to he needed to go to an AA meeting and his going to re-check himself. I adore him but I felt that day… I was on pins and needles with him.. His mood changed. Up and down. He felt extremely guilty for that night at dinner.. to allowed himself to go that far.. and I have never been in this situation or even know how to deal with this.
Help?
I don’t want out.
But I don’t know what to do.
I’m 29 and want a healthy relationship can this happen.. if so.. how?

Of course a healthy relationship can happen. But it takes work on both your parts. Your boyfriend needs to decide once and for all that he is more invested in his relationship with you than his relationship with alcohol. Good intentions aren’t enough. He needs to take his recovery seriously. AA is a wonderful organization but it isn’t for everyone. If he isn’t getting enough support through AA, he should consider getting himself into therapy with an addictions counselor or a psychologist. Although most people couldn’t handle working in a bar and staying sober, there are people who do. If he is incredibly honest with himself, he might be one of those who can pull it off. That’s one of the many issues that he could work through with his therapist.

For your part: You might find it helpful to take a look at the website for Al-anon. Al-Anon is an organization for partners of recovering alcoholics. Meetings provide support and practical help. If your boyfriend does get into therapy, you might ask to be included now and then to talk about how you can support his recovery and what changes he is willing to make to deserve your trust.

You’ve only been in this relationship for a month. It’s too early to decide whether he is the one for you. How he takes on the challenge of recovery will tell you a lot about his strength of character. If you see tremendous potential in the relationship (as it seems you do), give it a few months. You both have work to do if you want to give it a chance. Whether or not the relationship works out, participating in recovery work will teach you more about how to maintain your own boundaries and how to avoid being pulled into someone’s addictive behaviors.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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Double take: Living in the past

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D.
written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D.

When I was in high school (over 10 years ago) I fell in with this boy. It was love at first sight. We never dated. We were never close friends. We had some classes together and I felt this connection to him and I thought that he felt it too.However, nothing ever happened. After we graduated, I had this idea that one day we will meet again and we will end up together. Shortly after high school, he found a girlfriend and they have been together ever since. Due to some mutual friends I always knew what was going on in his life. He had a tumoltuous relationship with that girl and several times they were breaking up and making up. I never wanted to interfere while he was with her. I guess I was hoping that once they break up for good there would be a way for us to be together. I never really made any steps to make anything happen. Also, I’ve been regretting that I wasn’t more upfront with him when we were both still in high school. Now, it’s been more than 10 years and he is always in my mind, He is not married yet, however, I’ve heard that he wants to propose and marry that girl. Meanwhile I have been with somebody as well. When I met my current partner (6years ago) he was mostly my friend and although we were going out I always thought that this relationship would eventually end. When he proposed to me 2 years ago I said no. However, 2 years later i married him mainly due to his legal status and him being in a desperate situation. We have been married now for 2 years and I still think everyday about my first love. My husband loves me and many times I told him that I’m not in love with him. I never had an orgasm with him. Now, I guess I feel that I’m in a desperate situation knowing that my “first love” will be getting married. I can’t let go of the past. I’ve read many books about obsession in love but I don’t think that I am obsessed, I believe that I am truly in love with my first love. You might say that how well can I know him since I had no person-person contact with him for so many years, but I believe I truly know him on an emotional level. I thought about getting in touch with him, however, I always thought the situation would be very unnatural. I guess I have always thought that we would have an opportunity to meet and reconnect but I never wanted to force it. ALso, because I am now legally married that presents an issue. I tried many times to stop thinking about him but it seems hopeless. I can’t forget him and yet I cannot be with him.

“The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.” Anais Nin.
I believe that you believe you are deeply in love. My reality is that your love only exists in the very safe world of your own head. You’ve never tested it out. You’ve never given yourself over emotionally or physically to someone who can love you back. This strikes me as very, very sad. When a fantasy is this strong, it generally means that there is an equally strong fear lurking in the background. For ten years, you have deprived yourself of true love and romance, even to the extent that you are pushing away your husband’s love and affection. I have to wonder why you are so afraid of love’s reality that you would rather settle for unrealistic daydreams about a man who probably doesn’t know you exist. Of course you haven’t had an orgasm! To enjoy sex requires being present and giving yourself over to emotions that you only allow yourself in dreams. Of course you believe yourself to be truly in love. Otherwise it would be too painful to face the loneliness you’ve created for yourself.

Unrequited love may be the stuff of romantic poems but it’s ultimately not very satisfying in life. I suspect that you wrote to us here at PC because somewhere inside you are waking up to the fact that time is marching on. You are getting older but have yet to experience real love.

I suggest you ask yourself, “What will I start thinking about if I accept the fact that my emotional connection is a myth and this guy will never, ever be interested in me?” The first thing that comes to mind is probably a hint about what you are afraid of. Stay with the thought if you can tolerate it. Just note it if you can’t. This is the material you could bring to a therapist. Therapy would help you face your fears. If that idea terrifies you, then therapy will help you take things one step at a time until you can.

Dr. Dan’s take

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”
William Somerset Maugham (English short-story Writer, Novelist and Playwright, 1874-1965)

This is a very interesting situation. Here is the way I see it:

  1. You are in a relationship that you don’t want to be in.
  2. This was a marriage that you didn’t want, but decided to go ahead with anyway.
  3. The love from the past was never acted on.
  4. Opportunities existed for you to act on that love were not taken.
  5. You say you knew everything about what was happening to is other person, but don’t mention if he knew anything about you.
  6. Right now you are in a relationship you don’t want with a person you don’t love — wishing you were with a person that doesn’t know that you have loving feelings.

Each situation leaves you in the exact same space: wanting and not having. I believe the real issue here is your core thoughts about intimacy. Intimacy sounds like something that you desire and from which you are blocked. With your husband you are with a man who is available and yet don’t want him. With your fantasy lover you want him but he is not available. Each situation leaves you in the same place: unfulfilled.

I would recommend spending a bit more time alone. I am not suggesting you ignore your husband or your fantasy. But I am recommending sitting with the core struggle of wanting and not having. This dynamic is likely to keep manifesting until it is possible for you to sort it through. The likely source is your family of origin. In situations like this there is one or both parents simultaneously available but unavailable in some way. Perhaps meditation and journaling to expose the core feelings and ambivalence will be helpful.

I couldn’t agree more with Marie on bringing this material to a therapist. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend won’t talk about a future

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend since i was 14 and he was 16 it’ll be 6 years. in Nov.2010.In 2007, i had cheated on him and i told him about it. i felt he was never paying attention to me he was always with his friends literally everyday whether they came over or they went to go play basketball or something, I tried talking to him and he ignored m. i didn’t want to leave him because we had a 1 and a half year old daughter at the time who is now 4 yrs old. He forgave me and we had come along way but now i feel we are back to where we started if not worse. i feel he doesn’t want to be with me anymore but also doesn’t want to leave me.

For the past 4 years we have gotten into so many arguments about him not being romantic or showing me he loves me. I’ve only gotten flowers from him once for valentines day. ONCE. He barley says i love you unless i say it first and he says it back but it’s like it has no meaning to him. I tell him everyday that i love him but I’m starting to get to a point where i want to give up but i feel guilty. even though He has not been perfect he has done plenty of things that he shouldn’t have.

we don’t communicate at all. i feel like im his roommate who he has sex with occasionally about once every two weeks or so maybe more if i initiate it. he leave for work in the morning. i go to school. we come home eat take a shower and watch cartoons with our daughter and then go to sleep. He is always bringing up things about him having to support all 3 of us and how his co-workers wives do a lot with their lives and how i should be more productive. I feel i am doing all that i can but i am never enough for him.

also he doesn’t like talking about having more kids or getting married at all. he even gets mad sometimes when i would bring it up. it has gotten to the point where he has forced me not to want to get married or have anymore children with him because i feel like it’s a bad thing to want. I have tried talking to him about it and it always ends up being my fault because “i don’t do enough for this relationship”. don’t get me wrong he is a good man and a wonderful father i just don’t know what to do i need help I’m running out of options.

I think you and your partner are in two different relationships: You think you are in a love match that could be forever if he’d only see what he has. He thinks he is trapped in a relationship that he isn’t ready for and isn’t sure he wants. I give you both lots of credit for trying to make a go of this for the sake of your little girl. But from what you wrote, it seems that she is the only thing holding you two together.

Sadly, one person can’t make a marriage. It’s like you are trying to shake hands with a man who keeps both hands behind his back. No matter how much you want it; no matter how much you try; unless he extends his hand too, you can’t shake on anything.

It may be there is hope for this relationship but only if you both can get out of the argument and see if you can rekindle the love for each other. If not, the two of you need to talk about how to both be good parents for your daughter even if you can’t be good partners for each other. I hope the love you both have for your child will help motivate you to get to a counselor who can help you finally confront your differences and solve some of the problems. You all deserve better than this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Hectic, Uncontrollable Life

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

So to start off, I will give a little background information about myself. I am a college student who is majoring in Special Education. Pretty much all my life I have known I wanted to go into this field, or at least work with people with disabilities. However, this has been the most challenging semester for me yet. I have had many problems with my roommate (well, more like she did something to me which really hurt me)–which has cause a huge strain in our relationship. Although things are getting better between us, I am starting to pick up on the slightest bit of attitude and I tend to overreact about it (but I never say anything to her about it).

Needless to say, this has caused me great turmoil. But to top that off, I have so many assignments, papers, and tests that I am completely swamped and unable to attend to extracurricular activities. I am not usually a person who stresses out, but rather procrastinates because I see the amount of work that I have to do. However, from me waiting the last minute, that is when I want to start ripping the hair out of my head.

Procrastination has always been a big problem for me, and not to mention that my attention span is very short. I have been told that I am very ADD, but in the past I really did not want the label. However, my procrastination, day dreaming, and short attention span is really starting to hurt my grades. I really need motivation to do some studying, but I find myself on a completely engrossed in a different website or book.

As I mentioned earlier, I am a Special Education major, however, I am performing TERRIBLY in my education classes. I have more experience interacting with children with disabilities than my peers, but tend to score worse on my lesson plans, tests, and assignments in general. I understand that there is a difference between interacting with people with disabilities and tests/assignments, however, my grades are really starting to get to me. I am just lost on what to do. There is a chance this semester that I can fail one of my major’s class, and if I do, I know I cannot put myself through the class again, and I will probably end up switching majors. I have already transfered once, and the only thing keeping me transferring schools again is upsetting my parents. Please give me some guidance.

A: It’s hard to tell from your letter exactly what is going on. Believe it or not, it is often the brightest students who procrastinate. It’s sometimes a way to protect self-esteem. You see, if you procrastinate and don’t get a great grade, you can always tell yourself that you would have done better if you had given yourself more time. You never have to look at whether it is true – or not. On the other hand, you say that if you fail your course, you can’t face taking the class again. When someone is passionate about something, generally they will do whatever it takes to get to the goal. Your statement makes me wonder if you are as interested in Special Ed as you say you are. Just because you have experience in something doesn’t mean that you are meant to do it.

I suggest that as a first step you make an appointment with a counselor at your college’s career center. It sounds to me like you need to figure out what you really want to do. (By the way, the average college student changes majors twice before finding what feels like an academic “home.” It’s rarely necessary to transfer schools in order to transfer to a different major.) You haven’t yet caught the fire that goes with really, really wanting to be in a particular profession. Once you find it, it will help you conquer your tendency to get immobilized.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Afraid to be Open with Therapist

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently started seeing a therapist at my University because of anxiety, and I want to tell her about something that happened 4 years ago that I’ve never told anyone. I was 15. My boyfriend wanted me to give him oral sex, which I’d never done before, and I didn’t want to. He got really, really, angry and got on top of me and I couldn’t push him off, and I was scared of what he might do, so I said I’d do it, and I did. I don’t know for sure if he was going to rape me or if he just wanted to scare me, but at the time I thought he was going to, so I chose what I thought was a better alternative. Anyway I get anxious with my boyfriend sometimes and I think it’s because of what happened, but every time I think about telling her I feel sick and panicky like I can’t breathe. I think she’s going to be understanding and sympathetic like she always is but what if she isn’t? I can’t stop worrying about it. And I don’t understand why, because I really like her, and she’s always been kind and has never been judgemental. But all the same, I’ve imagined every possible, terrible scenario: her being angry I didn’t mention it sooner, her not believing me, her asking why I didn’t fight back, etc. So with these fears in my head, I keep putting it off. But this pressure keeps building because I really need to tell someone and I want it to be her. I want her to say “it wasn’t your fault.” But it scares me to need that from her so much because if she doesn’t say that or something similar I’m going to have a breakdown right there in her office. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve never cared about anyone’s opinion on anything as much I do hers regarding this. I guess I just need reassurance from someone on the outside, because I’m REALLY stressing over this. I don’t mean to group you therapists into one category, but in general do therapists get angry when clients keep secrets from them? And would you consider what happened rape, if oral sex, as I keep hearing, is sex? Any good therapist (which she is) wouldn’t judge the action I took, right? Because even though I think I should have fought more, I had to make a snap decision, and it’s not fair for anyone who wasn’t there at the time to judge the choice I made, and additionally I was only 16 which is still fairly young. So I should just go for it and tell her, right?

Please trust yourself. You have good instincts and from everything you’ve said, I think you can trust your judgment about your therapist. No good therapist is going to judge you. You were only 15. You were scared. You’ve kept it all bottled up so long, it’s hard to even think about uncorking the bottle. But you also know that part of what is making your life challenging now is that you were scared into keeping this secret. You were traumatized! Worse, you were abused by someone you thought you loved and who you thought loved you. And, yes, it’s rape to be forced to do a sexual act against your will. We therapists hear this kind of story all too often. We don’t judge someone’s pain. We try to help you free yourself of it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My husband gave me an STD

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for almost two years in June of this year. I am currently seperated and waiting to file for divorce because my husband was unfaithful and gave me an STD. He has a history of lying to my face impulsively until finally I ask over and over again until he eventually tells me the truth. We were seperated for 7 months until we recently tried to work it out when I again asked him if he had any sexual relationships with any women during our seperation.I asked him this before we had unprotected sex, he said I did not. The reason we had unprotected sex was because we were going to try for another child…which we already have a 2 year old daughter. He informed me that NO I DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT…a week later I sat down and asked him point blank if I had anything to worry about and for him to tell me if he cared about my health, that I wouldn’t get mad, and that I needed to know so I could get screen for STDS. It was then that he admitted to having sex with a woman…more than once..and unprotected. I need to know if I should give him time to work out his inner demons? I need to know if it’s worth keeping this family together if all he does is lie to my face? I just feel like he can never be trusted. We are seperated again and I do plan on filing for divorce because I feel like our marriage vows have already been broken.

It sounds like you’ve already made your decision but want to double-check your own thinking. I’m reluctant to make a judgment because I don’t have enough information about the whole of your relationship. Yes, your husband lies and cheats. But you didn’t say if there is anything positive about this marriage or if he is doing anything to take charge of himself to be a better man.

I do know two things: First: You can’t make a marriage on your own. It takes two people who are willing to be worthy of each other’s love and trust. If you have to constantly monitor him, you don’t have a partner, you have a fellow who doesn’t want to grow up and be a responsible husband and father. Nothing you can do will change that unless he sincerely wants to change himself. Second: You two shouldn’t even be thinking about another child until you have a solid marriage. Another child won’t bring you closer. It will put more stress on an already stressed relationship. Another child won’t give you the love you need from an adult partner. Children need us to love them without expectations that they fill a hole left by a grownup.

I’m very, very sorry that at only 20 you are having to face even the possibility of a divorce. I’m sure this situation is disappointing and heartbreaking and frightening. If you need someone to help you think things through, I hope you will seek out a counselor to help you feel good about whatever decision you make and to help you figure out how to take care of yourself and your little daughter. You are fortunate to live in a city where there are many qualified therapists. Ask your pediatrician for a referral. If you have the kind of family that can be there for you during this difficult time, I hope you will let them love you and help you. You deserve to have some support and practical advice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I need to help my brother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Lebanon: i dont know how to start and to tell u the truth im a little pessimistic now.im 22 my brother is 25 and he is diagnost with bipolar syndrom.but the problem nothing we do is helping,he dont get out of his room,hes afraid to do that,when hes out he thinks that evrybody’s pointing at him so he will get mad and start to yell,hes often saying that he hears voices or that somebody is whispering in his ear,he often wakes up scared or have bad dream.at one point he was very dangerous,5 years ago he used to scream indoors ,throw things in the house,threat me and my parents,he even started working with bad sporits,but now thank to god hes not doing it anymore.hes been to therapits,psychatrists,psychologs but no one seems to know what he has,they can all diagnos and give him pills.Well the pills helped to be calm and relaxed,but didnt help him to move on with his life,or let him think to have a job,ahd get a life.HES afraid to do that,and hes even not happy about it ,he wants help but i dont think were being able to do that,although my parents did their best and still doing it.,this last doc is going to give him seraquel,and hes even treating him with neadles…but till now no change,hes only been with him for like a 3 months maybe.MY brother needs help.We tried everyone,priests,elders,psycholigists,psychyatrits,,,, and still no use.HES 25 years old ,when is he going to h ave a normal life.he doesnt have a job,hes depending pn my parents till when,,,??? in shi condition he cant work.,I dont know if writting here is going to help me but franctly im kinda hoping u can help me even though im in the other way of the world.PLEASE HELP

Your brother is a lucky man to have a family that loves him and wants so much to help him. You already know that your brother is seriously mentally ill. He probably does need the medications that his psychiatrist is prescribing. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about the services available in your country. All I can tell you is what I would suggest to someone in the U.S. and hope that it is somewhat useful to you.

My first concern would be whether your brother is accurately telling his psychiatrist about how he behaves and what he feels. If he will let you, I suggest you accompany him to his appointments and ask that you be allowed to share your observations with his doctor for at least part of his session. The remainder of the session is for his private conversation with the doctor. I also suggest that you and your family start some family therapy or get involved in a support group for family members of people with severe and persistent mental illness. Having a family member who is so ill is very, very stressful on any family. A therapist or a support group will give you all both support and some practical advice for how to handle your brother so his illness doesn’t tear up your family. A family therapist may want to include him in some of your sessions together to help him accept your help.

Finally, I don’t know if there are any community services available in your country for people like your brother. At least in some parts of the U.S., there are staffed group residences and work programs that serve those with severe mental illness. When someone doesn’t respond optimally to treatment, such programs can at least give the person a home, meaningful work, and the “safety net” of staff who make sure they get to their appointments and live a reasonably safe life.

I’m very sorry that I can’t be more specifically helpful. Perhaps your brother’s psychiatrist can give you and your family some guidance about what services are available in your own country.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mother-in-Law Refuses To Speak to Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My mother-in-law wont accept my apology. My in-laws came to visit the kids right before Halloween, I had a sign hanging that said “I wanted to be a witch for Halloween but my mother-in-law wouldn’t loan me a dress”. When I hung it I meant no ill feelings towards her, I just thought it was a funny saying. After she saw it and went home she was offended. She talked to my husband and said she couldn’t believe we felt that way about her and she wouldn’t feel comfortable in our house any more. She also told him she couldn’t believe he would allow me to hang it in the house.

Once he told me, I felt awful. Once I looked at it in a new light and could see how she may get offended. She doesn’t know me that well and we all have a different sense of humor. Her and I also have not always gotten along in the past, but we had come to a better point in our relationship.

I wanted to call her right then but my husband said she was upset, that I should probably wait until the next day. Feeling horrible that I could have hurt her I sent an apologetic e-mail. Then the next day I tried to call her and her voicemail was full of messages, so I sent her a little text saying I was sorry from the bottom of my heart. It has been a week and I haven’t gotten any response and she will not take my calls. This has put stress on my relationship with my husband and I’m not sure there is any more I can do. I am starting to get upset because I feel this has gotten out of hand.

One of my wise teachers had a saying I’ve always kept in mind: “Never attribute malice to what is merely stupid.” Yes, you did something that was thoughtless. But your mother-in-law’s reaction is way over the top, especially since you’ve apologized. Your husband is caught it the middle, poor thing. My guess is that this is an old pattern with his mother and he’s done his best to avoid getting into this kind of situation with her. Unfortunately, you walked into it. He probably doesn’t know how to support both of you.

So — my suggestion is that you apologize to your husband for inadvertently putting him in a tough spot. Ask him to tell his mother that he is not responsible for your slips, that you’ve made your apologies and now she needs to deal with you. Ask him what he thinks of this suggestion. (He does know his mother well, after all.) — Take the sign down. Send mother-in-law flowers, let her know that you now understand how the sign could be insulting and you’re sorry. Then add that it would be sad if she didn’t want to get past this but you’ll respect her decision and will wait for when she feels comfortable talking to you again. Then wait. To make more of this only makes things worse. My guess is that in a week or two, things will calm down and she’ll act as if nothing ever happened since she doesn’t seem to be the type to talk things out.

I wish you luck with this. If she insists on staying mad, there’s really nothing more you can do except hope that time will heal.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Changed after Basic Training

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

So Im 25 years old and I completed basic training in March. Thankfully enough I started my training really close to home so I was able to see my boyfriend/fiance on the weekends.
Prior to me leaving for basic training, i remember loving nothing more than spending time with my bodyfriend. We worked together but in seperate departments, he stayed with me almost everynight, we were able to communicate our needs pretty well for a young relationship.
I asked him to marry me before i left, informally but it felt like a very right question to ask. so in basic he wrote me almost everyday, he really made my life so much better in basic.

when i got out of basic is really when I feel like… maybe the honeymoon was over?

He has not been great with his money management in the past, and I have seemingly made smarter decisions. and that has effected us, because in my want to see him, i have paid for 95% of everything and that is a big issue for me due to my past.

he cant really understand my training, or what i might be doing in the very near future. he cant handle when im sad and tells me something stupid like dont let it get to you when its really important to me and usually it relates to something that he hasnt gone through yet. like being seperated from his loved ones and soemtimes feeling forgotten.

I told him i couldnt marry him until he moves out of his families house and really lives on his own. his family is no longer happy to see me, apparently ive changed, become distant. i feel like im just teaching him how to grow up, and why should i have to do that?

Basic is a profound experience that grows a person up real fast. It’s not at all unusual for people your age to find that they have grown apart from friends and lovers they left behind. I’m sure you’ve changed. How could you not? You’ve met many challenges that tested your strength of character as well as your abilities. You are looking at a future that may well include life-threatening events. It makes sense that you are questioning things about your relationship that maybe didn’t bother you so much before.

If you know people who have come back from deployment, they can probably give you far better advice than I can. They’ve either been in the situation you’re in now or know people who have been. What I can suggest is that until your boyfriend grows up, he’s not a good bet for you — whether or not you are in the service. He is living off his parents and can’t even afford a date??? That sends up lots of red flags for me. He can’t relate to your feelings? Come on. It doesn’t take a lot of empathy to understand what it must feel like to be far from home.

Based on what you shared in your letter, my advice would be to pull back from the engagement and give yourself the chance to meet people on your level. Yes, I know it may feel like having someone at home who loves you is better than not. But I think it sets up expectations for both of you that will be difficult for you to honor. I also think you may find that there are men in your unit who are more on your wavelength. One more thing: Whatever you do, don’t give this guy access to your paychecks when you’re deployed. Set up a savings account for yourself so you’ll have a nest egg when you return.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Feels unwanted and depressed

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

alright i lost my mother when i was a year and a half and my step mom has been in my life since i was 2. well recently my parents have split up and i went with my dad to live with him and he got into a fight with his new girlfriend. He choked me and threw me down so i left and went and hid at the econo lodge. The next day my dad left and got sent to jail for DUI and petty larceny and his girlfriend took me back to my mom’s hous. My mom and i dont have the strongest realationship. but yesterday my dad came back to and now it seems like she doesnt want me anymore and i really dont wanna go back to my dads.

I just feel like there is no point in life anymore. i’m not suicidal or anything but i’ve tried everything – guidance counselors, social services, talking to an adult – Nothing works and i just feel depressed and worthless all the time and i dont know what to do about it

I know. It’s hard to feel worthwhile when the people who are supposed to love you are so wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that they can’t be there for you. Sadly, not everyone gets the family they deserve. It might help you to know that there are lots of kids in similar predicaments.

Take some pointers from other teens I’ve worked with: They get involved in sports or clubs at school so they can stay at school most of the day. They get jobs – both to keep away from home and to have some money so they can buy clothes and food and entertainment without asking for things from the adults. They get to know the family of a good friend or two and become “part of the family” – often hanging out there instead of at their own homes. They find summer jobs at sleepaway camps so they have a place to be for the summer where they can do something worthwhile and not have to worry about where they are going to live. They turn to god and find the kind of parent there that they don’t find at home. They study hard and get good grades so they can apply for scholarships for college. Going to college gives you another 4 years to grow up and to get an education without worrying about where you’re going to live.

You’re only 15 so it’s unrealistic to think you can strike out on your own at this point. You do need a place to call home, to eat, and to sleep. But you don’t have to spend a lot of time there. If whoever you end up with – your mom or stepmom or dad – really doesn’t want you around, don’t be. If you work on making a life for yourself and treat your good friends and adult helpers as “family,” you’ll be okay. Someday you’ll get to make a family of your own. Then you can finally have the family you’ve always wanted.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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No one Wants to Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi. I’m 15 and feel like I must have OCD. I have too many symptoms and I’m way too different than other teenagers. I have gone to websites and school counselors for help and they never get back to me. Its like they just don’t want to help me. My mom just thinks I’m a perfectionist. But she doesn’t understand the thoughts that go through my head. No one does.

These are the symptoms I have……. I have to be perfect, which means I will ask teachers a million questions to make sure I do it right. I have to do things the same exact way everytime, so I eat foods the same way every time, I use the same blanket arrangement every night, I use the same amount of toilet paper everytime, ect. Things like that. I’m terrified of being attacked. Everytime I enter and re enter a room I have to check closets and shower curtins for attackers. I get terrified outside in the dark. I cant handle being around a bunch of people at once. Its overwhelming. I feel like everything bad is my fault. I get paraniod that I did something that will cause my house to burn down or make everyone I love die. I picture family and friends dying because of me and I cant control those thoughts. They wont stop. Sometimes they feel so real i start to cry. Sometime I get up in the middle of the night afraid I didn’t lock the door or I left my dog outside when everthinf is fine and I’m making it up in my head.

Sometimes when something small happens that makes me upset or angry I start to think about everything I hate about myself and when I get to that point it makes me want to hurt myself. The worst ive ever done is only scratch myself or snap myself with a ponytail holder. Then after that I feel ashamed and guilty. Then I get back to loving my life. I’m a big stickler about rules and geting in trouble. I’m always thinking about possible consequences… that makes my friends angry at me sometimes.im always paraniod that my friends are going to not want to be my friends anymore.I am always checking myself for any type of deathly or fatal disease and freaking myself out. get paranoid and worried about everything and everyone. Im tired of living in stress and I want to be worry free once in a while. Please help me. I have now where else to go.

From what you wrote, it is indeed likely that you are suffering from OCD. The adults in your life may not understand how OCD works. It’s not a matter of just stopping yourself from doing the compulsions. You can’t. Doing them is what gives you relief from the thoughts. Those thoughts can be all-consuming.

School personnel sometimes don’t realize that the thoughts are so powerful they interfere with a student’s ability to concentrate and to do well. I imagine it’s hard to focus on a math lesson when all you can think about is whether you left the stove on at home, for example. Kids like you often start failing in school, not because they aren’t smart but because their thoughts are so dominated by their worries. Often they become isolated because their friends can’t understand what the big deal is.

Please take your letter and this response to your school counselor. Ask for help finding a therapist who is experienced with OCD. The good news is that it is treatable. There are medications that can bring the intensity of the thoughts down a few notches. There are things you can learn to do to manage the thoughts so they don’t interfere with your life so much. Many kids “outgrow” many elements of the OCD as their brain matures in their late teens and early 20s.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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7 yr old daughter has become out of control

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a 7 yr old daughter, a 7 yr old stepdaughter ( who I have had full custody of since she was 1) and a 2 yr old daughter. My step daughter is a doll. She has always been very well behaved, My biological 7 yr old for some reason is very defiant, very angry when she doesn’t get her way, and becomes violent with her sister at times. She fights w/ her sister anytime things dont go her way, she will reach out and hit, scream, say “I hate you”, she’s also very defiant with me. She gives me dirty looks, slams doors, talks back, yells at me, and she cries all the time over everything. It’s been going on since she was about 4. I thought I could handle it, that she was just a dificult child and eventually she will grow out of it, but it just seems to be getting worst. What makes it harder is that at the same time, she can also be the most helpful, loving, wonderful little girl when she wants to. It hurts me a lot to see her like this, and my 2 yr old looks up to her sisters and I’m afraid she’s going to end up the same way. I can’t afford therapy right now so I’m hoping anyone can give me some suggestions or new things to try. I have tried sending her to her room, taking things away, spanking her, and sitting down and talking to her about how much it hurts me, which seems to work at the time but then an hour later something else doesn’t go her way and were right back where it started. She seems to not be able to control herself, and the other major thing is she lies so much that I never believe anything she says anymore. I’m worried because lately I have been almost unable to control myself and I find myself saying really mean things you shouldn’t say to a child, and screaming very loud at her, I’m afraid if she doesn’t calm down that I might not be able to keep controlling myself. I love her so much. Please help me.

I’m so very glad you wrote. It takes courage to face it when a family is spinning out of control. I have a lot of respect for any parent who takes steps to stop the confusion and anger and find a better way to handle her children. You didn’t share with me the role your husband plays in the family. I hope you can look to him for support, especially when you feel you are in danger of losing your temper.

It sounds to me like your biological daughter perhaps doesn’t feel that she can be as good as her stepsister. In order to still have a unique place in the family, she’s become the “bad kid.” She hasn’t done this consciously. Kids find a niche for themselves by trial and error. Sometimes they get stuck in a role that even they don’t like.

Meanwhile, it doesn’t surprise me that your methods of disciplining your daughter aren’t working. In your desperation to find something that works, you keep changing your parenting style. From her point of view, she doesn’t know what you really expect. On top of that, you are now acting much like she is: screaming and being out of control. She needs the adults to be in control and to be confident about what they expect.

Theory doesn’t help you know what to do. For that you need some practical help from someone who knows your family. I suggest you check the website for Parents Anonymous (PA) to see if there is a group meeting near you. These groups are run by volunteers or by nonprofit agencies for parents who want to be better parents. Usually there is little or no fee. Ask your pediatrician or the school guidance counselor for advice on where to find a PA group or another type of parenting group that would teach you effective ways to set limits and give you the support you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Love My Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Raised by my mother, so she was obviously always working trying to support us. There are only a few memories I have of her and none of them are pleasant. She was mean, verbally abusive and on occasion physically abusive. She always had a boyfriend around, some were abusive as well. I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity through them or on television, I was molested by her bfs daughter (I was 7 she was 13). I was constantly alone. I always watched them fight and yell. I never felt loved by her. We never hug, kiss or say I love you. I hated her for years, and now I’m just indifferent. It makes me squirm to think about her, or to get to know her, to hear about other really good mom and daughter relationships. The thought of hugging her gives me anxiety. I don’t like the sound of her voice and now when she says I love you, I hate it. I can barely stand to be around her for only a little while.

I love my grandma, she has always been kind and affectionate. My best friends mom does all the i love you’s, I’m proud of you, hugs and kisses to me. To me, she is my “should have been mom.” At first I was weirded out by the kisses, hugs were okay, but now I don’t mind them so much.

Will time heal my wounds? Therapy? Is it a lost cause to even try? Why can’t I love my mom?

Sadly, not every person gets a mother who knows how to be a mom. Yours clearly didn’t know how to protect you or love you as she should. Apparently the best she could do was to keep a roof over your head and provide for you. That’s not nothing, but it wasn’t enough. It has left you with an emotional hole you are trying to fill.

But — you have been lucky enough to have alternate mothers. Your grandmother and your friend’s mom can fill the emotional needs your mother can’t handle. In psychology, we call such people “benevolent witnesses.” They are people who provide a positive experience of a loving relationship when a parent can’t or won’t do it. They become the source of loving interest and care in the present and a beacon for how to be a good parent in the future. You have not one, but two such women in your life. This is a gift!

I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to love your mom. You may be able to figure out what made it so hard for her to be a better mother. You may be able to forgive her for not doing better. You may be able to thank her for what she was able to do in spite of her own challenges. Your compassion and appreciation are the kind of love you can give her honestly.

Meanwhile, you don’t have to look far for the kind of motherly love or mother-daughter relationship you seek. You already have them in your grandmother and your friend’s mom.

I think therapy could help you feel okay about the limits of your relationship to your biological mother and would help you embrace the mothering that is available to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Problem Passed Down through Generations

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for 23 years. My husband used to be more affectionate but it has waned over the years. It is however, not completely gone. He will hold me at night as he falls asleep, kiss me upon arriving home and we are still regularly physically intimate. Although I’ve had to guide him throughout the years, he is supportive and kind despite being a bit distant and unexcitable. I know that most women would be fairly happy with this situation but for some reason, I have moments where I feel he could be more affectionate and romantically focused. He is an excellent provider and we have a beautiful home, nice kids and a blessed life. What on earth is my problem then?

I sense that my needs are coming from low self-esteem…as if I’m not being “loved enough”. When I get like this I get so narrowly focused and it feels like I need that validation from him to make me whole somehow or none of the other things seem to matter. I really get angry that I can’t get what I feel I need. I truly don’t want to live like this any longer. It’s gone on long enough.

As a side note, my mother was plagued with this same issue all of my life and my dad was a decent guy like my husband. This desperate need to be “loved” was a nasty lifelong obsession for my mother and she demanded it from all of us although we did all truly love her and tried to please her. She’s in her 80’s now and angry, bitter, alone and has turned her back on her family and grandkids, claiming that we’ve all betrayed her. I am her oldest daughter and never felt deeply loved by her or able to live up to her unreasonable expectations. I don’t want to end up like her. Please, please help me break the cycle.

You are absolutely right: This is what is called an intergenerational transmission of a problem. Children do learn what they live. You grew up taking in your mother’s unhappiness with your dad as well as her belief that he wasn’t doing a good enough job loving her.

Your problem isn’t your husband. Your problem isn’t low self-esteem. Your problem is that you haven’t been able to free yourself from that early teaching. You are very right to be scared that you will end up lonely and alienated just as she was. I hope that gives you the motivation to do something about it.

You are fortunate, indeed, that you learned from your father as well as your mother. You looked for and found a decent guy who is steadfast, who loves you and who has made a good life with you.

The something you can do is some serious therapy. Therapy can help us correct early teaching. In your case, it can also help you truly appreciate all that you have.

Apparently your negative feelings have been building for years. That tells me that if you could fix this on your own, you would have done it already. I therefore encourage you to seek out a therapist and to do that corrective work. You are right that most women would be very happy with the marriage you are tempted to throw away. Since the problem lies within you, not within the man or the marriage, I doubt very much that you will find anything better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Becoming My Abusive Mother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have for a long time believed my mother to be emotionally abusive. Recently after a fight with her, I began to google general characteristics of emotionlly abusive/narcissistic mothers, to reassure myself but I found several things that reminded me of my relationship with my 6-year-old little sister.

I often tell her, and myself, that I only want the best for her and that I want her to have the life I never had. I often buy her candies and toys because I feel like my parents give her even less attention than they did for me, but recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been telling her that I can’t buy certain things because they are too expensive. To reassert my point, I sometimes say things like “You don’t need that” or “You don’t really want that.”

I’m afraid that I’m manipulating my sister like my mother manipulates me. I’m also afraid that I am developing NPD because while I worry about spending too much money on her, I seem to have no problem spending money on myself, especially after a period of depression. I also noticed that I tend to give my sister my old things instead of buying new things and I’ve read that narcissists’ overly self-centered personalities cause them to give hand-me-downs to others and new things to themselves.

I like to think that I am being a good sister, but I’m afraid I’m just lying to my sister and myself. I just want to know how I can tell if my sister is affected by my recent behavior or not and how I can help her if she is.

With 12 years difference between you and your little sister, you are an important adult in her life. My guess is that she has always looked up to you. So, yes, how you behave towards her does affect her. Because you are so much older, you are a role model as well as a sister.

You are asking very, very good questions. At 18, you are at the age where you are sorting through your experiences and deciding what kind of person you want to be. You are trying out being generous and being selfish; being self-critical and self-forgiving; being manipulative and being indulgent. Although you could decide to be narcissistic, you have had the experience of being treated poorly by a narcissist so I don’t think you’ll go that route. But it is a choice. By looking clearly at what you are doing, you are taking an essential step in the right direction.

It’s wonderful that you buy your little sister treats but she doesn’t need those things as much as she needs your loving attention. A few minutes reading to her most nights or coloring with her or just chatting and snuggling will put more into her emotional bank than any candy bar ever could. How you give her your things matters more than the fact that they are old or new. Little sisters love to get jewelry and scarfs and things from big sisters when they feel they are being given something special that connects them to their hero.

Keep it positive. Give her attention and encouragement. You’ll find you get as much as you give from the relationship. It’s pretty wonderful to be seen as special through the eyes of a child. Meanwhile, keep asking those good questions and making good decisions for yourself. Your relationship with your sister is important for the two of you and it’s also important as a rehearsal for how you will be in realationships in general.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Never Feel Good Enough

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, first of all I’m going to thank you for taking time to read my story. I’m 14. I wil start off by saying that my parents are divorced. I go one week with my m an other week with my dad. When I was little my parents used to fight, Horible fights, when I close my eyes I can hear them telling at each other, other than yelling at them selves my mom used to yell at me, to the point where she went pysco. Se kicked things,pulled my hair, throw things, said things to me that still hurt when I remember them. I grew like that all the time. When my patents fought I would be in my room crying my eyes out. Time went by and my dad got tired of being in that situation so he divorced my mom, he said it was the best I was 7 at the moment.

I agreed that it was the best things to do so I don’t have to hear them fight al the time. My mom made this insane lie that she couldn’t feel part of her face because of all the stress , she blamed my dad for everything. My mom and me were renting an apartment with her cousin and it was fine, my dad had an apartment as well but by himself. My mom met this guy and they’re married now, I should be happy but I’m not.. I accepted him though. Sometimes she wanted me to go to his house to get to meet him but I didn’t want to do she went into a phyco mood and started yelling and yelling, I ddnt get why ? It was her life not mine.. When I get mad I tend to cry. I dont yell or anything I keep everything inside and cry as my way to express how I feel. I ended up going and it always was like that.

My mom always wants everything her way she doesn’t care of anyone who she stomps on to get why she wants. I was 11 at this point, my dad didn’t like the guy my mom married and he still doesnt. Me and my mom are in a fight right now she kicked me out of the house and told me horrible things and that I’m not a good daughter. I think she’s not the best mom either,

I always try to be the daughter she wants.. Im never good enough. I close my eyes and I can remember all I went through. Her words buzz around my head, I think I’m marked forever.. I’m scared of her. My dad is the only person there for me he listens to me and he’s the best person in the world. One day my mom was angrily brushing my hair pulling my hair back into a pony tail and she hit me with the brush I turned around and she tried to hit me again but I grabbed her arm and pushed her back, my mind went black, I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like I wasnt thinking I just reacted, I don’t even want to remember what happens after that, I keep so much inside I don’t tell anyone, I can’t trust anyone.

In school I’m smart I have good grades and I’m trying to get into a good college but I have self confidence issues and really low self esteem. IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Everything is wrong with me. My mom told me I was fat. I believed it everyday I looked at te mirror and hated my self my mind was devestated. I’m putting this out here at 1:40am because as I’m laying in my bed those moment go thought my head and they hurt me, in so many ways. Please help me.

Thank you so much for writing. Your letter is an important step in your own healing. It shows me that you know in your heart that you didn’t deserve the treatment you had from your mom when you were little and you don’t deserve it now. Now we need to help you get your head in line with your heart.

You’re just like any other kid. You want your mother to love you. You long for her approval. You hope you will find some little thing that you can do to convince her to love you as a mother should.

I’m very sorry to have to tell you that it’s unlikely you will get what you are longing for. I can’t offer you an explanation for your mother’s behavior since I don’t have enough information. But from what you say, she has never been able to put other people’s needs ahead of her own, even her own child’s. She doesn’t give you love and comfort because she can’t. If a well is dry, it can’t give you water. At some point, it only makes sense to be sad about it but to go looking for another well.

In your case, you are lucky. There really are other “wells” of love available to you. Your dad is there for you. I’m guessing your teachers also think you’re smart and promising. At 14, you’ve grown up enough to know that you can survive without your mother’s care. You do need love but you don’t need hers. It’s time to do the grieving that comes with that realization and to reach out to others for the emotional and physical support a young girl needs and deserves.

Please ask yourself why you are choosing to believe your mom over your dad. You yourself call your mom “Psycho” but then you let her opinion take over the good opinions of your dad, your teachers, and even yourself. Open your mind and your heart to the people who really do think you are quite good enough as you are. They are right. Your mother isn’t.

It might be helpful for you to find a therapist to help you make the shift. Giving up on your mother won’t be easy after so many years of longing. To let yourself feel good about yourself is to give up on the argument you’ve been having with your mother. You really don’t need to convince her of a thing if you can embrace the reality that you are a good, smart, insightful, and attractive person. On some level, you already know that. But it just might be helpful to have a therapist help you connect with what you know is true.

As you enter your teens, it is a good time to do this work. A strong self-esteem will help you better manage the high school social scene and relationships. Appreciating your own talents and intelligence will let you do well in school. With a foundation of self-respect, you’ll be better able to have the future you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How can I help friend who is in wrong relationship?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My friend is in a relationship for app. 4 years now. she found out a year after they met that he was married , and had a kid. He promised her to divorce the wife but after 3 years he is still married and lives with his wife.

my friend left her parents and went to the city where he lives , rented an apartment and started to work as a waitress just to be close to him, he used to come and go to her house , sometimes stayed overnight and sometimes going to his wife. he treated her really bad, used to insult in front of the people in the street and not caring about her . well, he doesnt love or respect her at all!

She lied to her parents that they got married and etc. so after years the family learnt about the lies and everything but they still accepted her and tried to help. as she used to work very hard for almost no money and could not earn enough for living , her family decided to take credit from the bank and send her abroad to work. he did not even say good bye to her.he did not appear at the airport.

after a week she sends money to him and some clothes as a gift, while telling her family she is unemployed! knowing that while she is there , her boyfriend lives with his wife, but she says ” she loves him to death” and sees nothing else farther.

whatever wrong he does , she thinks thats the way it s supposed to be. she still hopes one day he s gonna divorce and marry her but HE doesnt care. He doesnt even ask how she is there. he just enjoys the money and gifts from an unemployed girl who is cleaning some toilets in a foreign country and NOT getting paid enough to buy food.

i talked to her family today, they are confused, they dont know what to do. her father , this huge strong man cried sometimes as her sister told me . please, i need some advice, is there anything we can do to make her believe that she deserves better than a man who doesn’t give a damn about her. she doesnt want to talk about it. always cutting the conversation when someone talks about her relationship. she is manipulated, with no self esteem or dignity .
What shall we do to make her see life a different way ?
Thank you in advance.

This is a sad, sad story. I’m deeply concerned for your friend and also for all those who love her. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do to make her see that she is throwing away years of her life for someone who doesn’t deserve her. She is an adult. She may be an adult who has little self-respect or self-esteem but she is nonetheless an adult who is entitled to make her own decisions. All you can all do is state your opinions calmly and then love her (love her a lot) and hope she comes to her senses.

There are names for guys like this one who take advantage of a person’s neediness and willingness to spend money she doesn’t have in order to keep him attached to her. I won’t indulge in name-calling. Suffice to say, I don’t think much of him. I suppose you could appeal to whatever sliver of character is in him and see if he will do her the favor of breaking it off but I’m not optimistic that he will cooperate.

I do wonder why the family thought sending her abroad would be helpful. I’m sure I don’t have the complete story but I suggest that you all consider whether distance is helping. Sometimes it doesn’t. When people don’t see the object of their love, they can start to fantasize that the person is much more wonderful than he or she is. It might be more helpful to bring her back home where this guy’s behavior can’t be romanticized by lack of contact. Seeing the good, mutual, positive relationships of those around her may also make this guy look worse by contrast.

I’m sure this situation is breaking the hearts of the people who care for your friend. It’s one of the hardest things in the world to watch someone you love self-destruct. As addictions counselors will tell you, sometimes a person has to really “hit bottom” before they give up something or someone that isn’t good for them. Your friend isn’t there yet. Someday she is going to appreciate how much you all have tried to help but she can’t see that yet either. I hope you can find ways to continue to offer her support but also protect yourself by detaching a bit.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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