Tag:

Deceit

Deceived By a Married Man

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 4th, 2021

I was deceived by a married man for 2 years. I met a guy 2 and a half years ago he was married when I met him but separated his wife had gone back to Germany where she was from and he and I really fell for each other we dated for 2 years and then I decided that we should take a break because he had done 2 tours in Iraq and I felt he needed to deal with some of the stuff he went through over there before we could move forward I told him that I loved him very much and that I would wait for him. We kept in touch, and always talked about getting back together. One day I was searching on the internet and I found his wife’s Myspace page from the looks of it she wasn’t in Germany and never had been it talked about living here with her wonderful husband and that they were planning on having another baby this year. I did more digging and found a mound of evidence that she was here the whole time and not only that I believe there were other woman he was with as well. I’m so devastated how could I be so stupid for over two years? I was and am despite everything still so in love with him we are no longer talking but how do you make love just go away it may have been a lie to him but it was real to me. I almost don’t want to be alive anymore I just can’t get over the lies and deceit. Honesty is so important to me and he knew that. How do I move past this and stop obsessing? He told me everyday how in love with me he was and how we would get married he talked about buying a house together. I believed everything he said how will I ever know the difference between truth and lies again?

When you say that you want to stop obsessing I am not sure what you mean. Are you obsessing over the fact that you had been lied to in such a bold and outright manner? Are you obsessing about how you could have believed his lies or how he got away with lying for two years? I am not precisely sure what you mean by “obsessed.”

It’s never easy to end a relationship with someone you love. Yes he is married but I’m sure that doesn’t change how much it hurts. I am sorry you’re having so much difficulty with this loss.

Don’t blame yourself for his lies. Throughout your letter you refer to yourself as stupid. You are not stupid. In addition, you did eventually come to find the truth. Give yourself credit for being brave enough to seek the truth and accept it.

It’s never a good idea to date a married man or woman. It’s very common for the married person to say they are going to leave their spouse but they don’t. Often they have no intention of leaving their spouse. Unfortunately you are directly experiencing the hazards of dating a married man.

If you do enter a relationship with a married individual you need to have the right expectations. You are learning the hard way not to expect a married individual to leave their spouse. Expect that the relationship with a married individual will usually be short-lived and non-serious. The only “safe” time to consider dating an individual who is still legally married is when they are nearing the end of a divorce. That might be the only time when you can be sure they are truly ending their marriage.

I know it’s not going to be easy to overcome the loss that you feel. But at least you know the truth. Realize that finding the truth saved you from continuing a relationship with a man who was willing to cheat and lie. I hope that you realize that no one is worth harming yourself for. I would encourage you to try to move on. You can overcome the loss you feel and it will get easier with time. If you have difficulty and still feel like harming yourself I’d strongly consider seeing a therapist. I wish you luck.

November 4, 2021 0 comment

Constant Desire for Excitement to Deal with the Emptiness Inside Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. May 18th, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

For as long as I can remember, I have felt nothing. I feel completely empty inside. This persistent feeling is almost like a pain inside of me that I can only numb by putting myself in situations that give me a rush. I’ve spent most of my life trying to fit in, which I’m very good at, but lately I’ve been having trouble pretending to be like everyone else. I don’t emotionally respond to things the way most people do. I hardly ever feel sad or stressed. All I ever really feel is frustration and anger. I fit in by faking a personality. Almost everyone I know loves being around me; people light up when I walk in the room. None of what they see is real. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m real, though. The rushes that I mentioned are usually illegal. I’ve done everything from committing petty theft to hauling illegal substances in search of this feeling. I’ve slowly gone from doing minor illegal things to endangering myself and others to find a rush. When I was younger, my grandmother caught me killing the neighbor’s cat; I’ve killed many animals for fun throughout my life. My grandmother asked me why I did it, and I honestly didn’t know why. I think inflicting my pain on other living creatures acts as a release for what I feel, or rather don’t feel, inside. I’ve since tried to stop such activities but the desire continues to grow inside of me. Another way I ease my discomfort and anger is by manipulating others, and making life miserable for those around me. I’m always certain that no one knows I’m responsible for their problems. I find it hilarious that when things go bad in the lives of my friends and family because of me, they come running to me for advice and help. Over the past year, I have had more and more difficulty with keeping up the artificial personality that the world sees. There are so many fake versions of myself that sometimes I lose track of how to act around certain people, causing my mask to slip. The main problem I’m having is that I constantly need more and more excitement and pleasure to feel the same satisfaction. I worry that one day I might go too far and end up in prison, or worse. I’ve never sought any professional advice for my behavior, but I’m starting to think I might need help controlling it.

A: A lot of what you are reporting here is quite disturbing and serious. I hope that by writing it down and submitting your question, you are beginning to see that yourself and are taking your first step toward change. I feel that your concern of ending up in jail or prison is a valid one because not only do you admit to illegal behaviors but you report that your need for excitement is escalating. At some point you will most likely get caught, especially because you also admit that the web of deceit is getting harder and harder to keep track of.

I would suggest that you research Conduct Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. I cannot diagnose without completing a clinical assessment, but some of these criteria seem to fit what you describe: aggression to people or animals, deceitfulness or theft, lack of guilt or empathy, disregard for the safety of self or others and failure to conform to social norms.

Treatment for these types of issues can be difficult and may take some time. You will have to take it seriously and commit to a long-term plan. I would suggest that you find a therapist who specializes in Personality Disorders and possibly someone who has experience with criminal behaviors. I hope that you receive help soon before you hurt anyone or do something that will lead you to prison.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

May 18, 2021 0 comment

Why Can’t I Just Stop Lying?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 7th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I received a letter from a reader that is much too long to post. However, he raised an issue that may resonate for others so I’ll put a very edited down summary here:

I have a beautiful baby boy that i probably won’t be allowed near, a beautiful girlfriend, who now hates me, and a loving family that doesn’t trust me. Why might you ask does everyone think all that. I am a liar. I have been lying about the stupidest stuff for the longest time. I started lying when i was a small boy in a small town. My father is a preacher. I was in church constantly. I had friends at my school i went too, and i am naturally funny, but I lied. I would go out and drink with my friends and lie to my parents about what i was doing, whose house I was at, they knew none of this. The whole town thought i was this great person when in reality i was lying but without being caught. Then i joined the Marine Corps. Suddenly I didn’t have to lie anymore. I was looked up to and very well thought of. People and Marines respected me and came to me for help and advice, I was very dependable. After discharge, I then went right back into the swing of things. I started working all the time, and drinking all the time, and smoking a lot of weed as well. …

WHY CAN’T I STOP I KNOW ITS TEARING EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME, WHY CAN’T I JUST STOP LYING WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED TO HAVE OTHERS FEEL FOR ME OR THINK CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT ME. the lying makes it so much worse… How can i stop this. Ive tried everything. Two years and I’m still lying. Not as much as before maybe just its just as hurtful now as it ever was.

One of the issues you didn’t explore is why a preacher’s son would become a chronic liar. I’ve seen it any number of times. One possibility is that you didn’t feel you could live up to the standards that were set by your parents. Not feeling you could be the best, you went 180 degrees and became the best at being the worst — and you did it mostly secretly so you could maintain their high regard but protect your self-esteem by identifying yourself as a successful liar.

The Marines apparently gave you a “second chance” and, to your credit, you took it. But once you went back into familiar surroundings (and without the high structure of the military) you slipped right back into your “old skin.”

In your letter, you mention that you tried counseling only once and with a religious counselor. I suspect that a counselor with those credentials is too similar to your parents. I also think that you probably lied to the counselor.

I strongly urge you to seek out counseling from a licensed psychologist who does not identify as a religious counselor. Send a copy of the letter your wrote to LifeHelper plus this response to the therapist before your first session. That will at least lay out the problem honestly and will jump start your treatment.

Your letter was a good first step but unless you follow up, it will go nowhere. Do make an appointment with an experienced and licensed therapist and get down to the real issues. You are still young. You can still change and make a better life for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 7, 2021 0 comment

My Boyfriend Keeps Lying to Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 15th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now, we usually communicate our feelings and are very respectful of each other. In May, my bf started talking to a girl who had previously had feelings for before we started dating, because he felt as if he left her behind without clearing things up. I didn’t think much of it until he gave her a ride home and let her stay at his house while she was locked out of hers. I know he wasn’t cheating because his mom and sister were in the kitchen with them, but this was the first time he didn’t let me know what was going on. I later found out that for a little over a week he had been saying he was “going to sleep” and would hang up only to go FaceTime this girl and talk to her for hours after 11pm. He wasn’t even honest with everything at first until I questioned why he had deleted their conversation from his phone and I saw the facetimes in his call log. It took him about an hour to finally tell me everything that happened, I was considering breaking up since I had felt so betrayed. He knew he was supposed to be honest and never lie again, but he did it again about two weeks ago. He told me he was texting a friend of mine about their common interest in music and I was okay and happy he was honest. I hung up with him around 2am and told him to sleep soon because we had a date planned for early the next morning. I hung out with that friend a couple days later and she told me that they had stayed up until 4am texting and that he told her not to tell me. I confronted him, he admitted and said he was planning on telling me that night. He had once again deleted their conversation and I had to get it from her, btw she didn’t send me the important parts so I am no longer friends with her. And once again he has lied, again nothing huge, but he said he would send me pics of his food while on vaca. He has been gone a week and nothing, I keep pestering him for them and he said he sent one of his dessert. I knew something was shady so I confronted him and told him not to lie, but he proceeded to and was going to fake the whole thing FOR A PICTURE. I don’t know what to do because he hasn’t stopped, how will I know he really will when he says so if it hasn’t been true so far. I don’t want to lose our relationship, but I have told him I am not going to date someone who won’t stop lying to me.

There’s a famous quote that might be helpful in your situation: “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” You said that you don’t want to date someone who lies, but you are doing just that. You have caught him lying a number of times. He is showing you his character. He lies about small and big things. People who are willing to lie about small things are most certainly willing to lie about bigger things. If you don’t want to date someone who lies, then consider ending the relationship.

Try to avoid making the same mistake that many people make, which is trying to change their partner. People are who they are and you cannot mold them into someone you want them to be. You cannot control another person’s behavior. You can only react to it.

Dating is about getting to know someone to see if they are a match for you. When you learn that they are not a match, then it is time to move on. The majority of people who you will date will not be a match. That is the nature of dating. It is as true for you as it is for everyone else. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 15, 2021 0 comment