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Deception

I Have Fabricated a Girlfriend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been depressed for over a year now, one cause of which I believe is loneliness; I have a small group of friends I regularly socialize with, I’m very intelligent — modest, I know — and have a wicked dark sense of humor, most people consider me to a be a joker and I can adapt to most people with relative ease despite my actual feelings towards them. However, I have no one that I’m close to, no best friend I can confide in and I’ve never had a girlfriend — nor even kissed a girl, of which is a source of considerable bemusement for me — and thus I find myself alone and contemplating a lot.

Desiring to avoid a particular party that had far too many people, most of whom I had no desire to associate with, a couple of months ago I lied and stated that I was going out with an old friend of mine that doesn’t actually exist- being a private person, no one questioned this- however, this concept rapidly evolved without me really thinking and to make a long story short, today all of my friends and family believe that I have a girlfriend. Unfortunately, or fortunately dependent upon how you perceive it, I am too good at manipulating and deceiving these people, a simple facade of emotions and a bit of intelligence in formulating a backstory are disturbingly simple enough to appease people. Anyhow, the situation has progressed to the extent that my lack of foresight and impulsivity have induced the simple dilemma of people questioning why no one has met this girl.

Honestly, I’m worried that there is something significantly wrong with me for fabricating this whole concept, evidently my loneliness has surpassed a threshold considering this whole charade makes me feel better about myself, yet I don’t quite know why and it makes me hesitant to simply end it. Presumably, not having had a relationship of some sort affects me more than I would care to admit even to myself, all of my friendship group have been or are in relationships and I probably crave some kind of human intimacy. I have past experiences from my childhood that have incurred trust issues, so I attempt to deal with things by myself, of which I’m evidently not doing particularly well at. There is no particular crux to a question, but it is an issue.

Since you don’t have a specific question, I will offer you a general answer. It’s difficult to know precisely why you have generated a fake girlfriend, but it could stem from your desire to be seen positively by your friends. You seem to believe that you should have had a girlfriend by this time in your life. You believe that so strongly that you have created a lie to conform to that narrative. If it were because of your loneliness and depression, then you may not have shared the lie with your friends. Your need to share the lie with your friends might indicate that you were attempting to shape the way they saw you.

Stereotypes exist in our culture about how people are supposed to behave. These stereotypes put pressure on people to behave in a particular way. One way to be perceived as a “man,” in our culture, is to date many women and to have many sexual conquests. Some men brag about having had many sexual partners, even if their claims are untrue.

You have a decision to make. Your friends are wondering why they have never met your girlfriend. An easy way out of this dilemma is to say that the two of you broke up. That would immediately end the lie.

You are a great candidate for counseling. It could address your depression and help you to analyze why you feel compelled to lie about a relationship. Depression is a highly treatable disorder. Counseling could help you tremendously. I hope that you will consider it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Feel Like I’m a Terrible Person

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’ve always been known as the girl who’s selfless, caring, and sweet. So, I meet a girl four years ago. She awakens my sexuality. I think I love said girl and I’m really happy with said girl. Said girl introduces me to many friends and we all form this strong bond. A friendship we all deeply loved, trusted, and admired. I’ll call this said girl B. Now, one night when B isn’t around I’m hanging out with other friends (and this is about 3 years ago) and this girl, I’l call her Q, kisses me and it’s /wonderful/. I loved it. Q ends up coming over to my home and she has sex with me. She tells me, ‘What if we were together?’ and I get so happy. I stop ties with B. But then…Q decides that she wants someone else and I immediatly run back to B. I do this for years to B. I tug her along, tell her false promises, and when she doesnt want to deal with my crap I go to Q

I switch between them like a leech and the friendships of all these people slowly fall apart because of me and the drama I cause. Because I’m so afraid to be alone and now Q and B are gone. And one of those other friends from the broken group tells me, ‘I’m a horrible, selfish, manipulative person.’These friends are all meeting up in less than two weeks and I’m invited. I’m mortified because when I see these people not ‘wanting’ me I get such a sick and hurt feeling in my stomach I really feel like I could kill myself and I’ve attempted in the past when they didn’t before. What do I do?

This all started when you were only 13! You are right that you have been discovering your sexuality. The problem isn’t that you’ve been attracted to two people. It’s normal to try out different relationships during the teen years. In fact, it’s an important part of figuring out who you eventually want to be with. (It used to be called “dating”.) The problem is that you haven’t been honest with the other girls or, especially, with yourself. With each switch, you acted as if you were making a commitment. No one is ready to do that in the early teen years. You and the others are no exception.

You haven’t been alone in the drama. It’s not all your fault. The other girls are participating in the on-again, off-again nature of the relationships. They too are discovering their sexuality. They too aren’t ready to settle into an exclusive relationship, however much they think want one. The result of your collective confusion, experimentation and intensity is the emotional roller coaster you describe. No wonder the group is breaking apart.

I think you should give yourself a break from sexual relationships for a while. The neediness you bring to relationships guarantees that they will fall apart. You need to make friends with yourself so you can enjoy time when you are alone.

Develop your interests. Take your schooling seriously. Set some worthwhile goals and work toward them. Then work on developing some solid friendships. Spend time having just plain (non-sexual) fun with people. There is no reason to get so intensely involved at your age.

If you can’t do this on your own, I do suggest you see a therapist. It may take more than personal resolve to get out of the pattern of trying to fill whatever hole you have inside with intense and probably inappropriate relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Out of Work Husband Lies to Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.:  My husband started to work from home like a year ago, it was just a part-time job and not very consistent.It worked well at the beginning but slowly started to be an issue in our relationship. I work full-time and I guess I started to be jealous of his schedule, being able to be home, etc.
Since he had so much time, he started to play computer games again (used to play them 24/7 as a teenager) which also included joining some online forums. In July I discovered that he was talking to multiple girls online (sexually and romantically) and that he joined forums such “looking for relationship” etc. He told me he had only talked to one girl (I saw conversations with multiple women) and only because she had mental issues.
After that, he stopped talking to them online, yet still kept playing video games. He was supposed to find a new job since his PT job slowly stopped making him any money, yet he wasn’t able to (or didn’t even try) find one within the past 6-7months. He plays his computer games around 10 hours a day, goes to bed at 3-5am pretty much every day, spends money (that I’m trying to save) on his games and ignores everything around the house. Whenever I try to confront him about something he gets very upset, calls me names like “b*tch” “idiot” and just yells at me. Whenever I find out he lied to me about something it’s the same – starts to yell at me, starts to throw things, hit himself, calls me names and sometimes blames it on me. Then he always apologizes and tells me how much he loves me and that I’m his everything.
Now he is supposed to go back to school starting in two weeks, but every time I asked him to show me his log in, schedule or just something, he gets upset and his log in magically doesn’t work.I looked at his school email and saw many emails from his school counselors telling him that he was late to sign up and can only sign up for summer semester at this point. He also lied to them why he dropped out of school a year ago and said it was because of his dad’s illness (even though his dad is perfectly fine).I don’t have anyone to talk to since I moved from a different country to be with him.

I’m very glad you wrote. It sounds to me like your husband may be having a major issue with his self-confidence about whether he can find work or manage school. Rather than deal with it, he is avoiding the problem by playing games and shoring up his self-esteem by seeking validation from women. At this point, he may also be retreating into an adolescent addiction with the video games. His “solution” of playing the games has become another dimension of his problem.

Fighting about it isn’t helping. His behavior toward you is unacceptable. If you are his “everything”, he owes it to you as well as himself to get the help for the core problems. That means going into couple and individual therapy, instead of to the computer.

Only you can decide how long you will put up with his avoidance behavior and abuse. But I do encourage you to think about whether it is time for you to issue an ultimatum.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Problems Recalling Events Accurately

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

A person I know has this recurring problem. At first I didn’t think anything of it, after all, we all have memory lapses from time to time for a variety of reasons. However, my friend continually recalls events and facts incorrectly.

In and of itself this might not be so bad with advancing age. However, this person does so in order to advance an agenda against a former spouse. She seems to truly believe the incorrectly recalled events and not the events as they occurred. I have called her out on it a couple times but this ended in an unpleasant confrontation so I avoid it.

She frequently carries on in front of her children and I fear the damage that she may be inflicting on the children she has with this former spouse and their relationship (I know both parents and have remained friends with them over the years.)

Is this a true pathology? Or is it willful distortion of the facts? Again, she seems to truly believe what she says. If it is a true pathology, is there treatment or therapy?

If I understand your question correctly, you are asking about whether or not a person who might be lying about events concerning his or her former spouse is doing so pathologically and if he or she can be helped with therapy.

The answer depends upon whether or not the individual is lying deliberately or inadvertently and just as importantly, whether or not the person wants help.

In the case of a person deliberately recounting events inaccurately, for the sole purpose of “advancing an agenda against a former spouse,” then treatment may be difficult. A lie involves a deliberate deception, a person knowingly withholding the truth in order to improve their position. For example, they make themselves appear to look better, often by attempting to make someone else look bad. A person who is actively attempting to be deceptive may not want help.

A person who is recounting events inaccurately because they have misperceived a situation or simply because he or she has trouble accurately recounting events (perhaps due to memory problems) may be more open to treatment than the person who is actively attempting to deceive.

You should talk to your friend about your concerns. You may not want to approach him or her in the same confrontational manner as you did before, but you can gently suggest that consulting a mental health professional could help. Focus on the positive benefits of therapy as a reason for seeing a mental health professional.

Generally speaking, whether or not therapy would help depends upon how open an individual is to change and upon his or her willingness to engage in treatment.

I hope that I have answered your question. If not, please consider writing back and providing more details. I may be able to provide you with a more complete answer. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Have No Trust in My Baby’s Father

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Basically I got pregnant in a long distance relationship and after 8 months he finally moved to be with me. But I’ve read txts where he tells his mom he’s going to abandon the child and come back home to them after he makes enough money to pay off his debts. He tells me he’s just telling them that to calm them down. And the past few months before he moved to me, he was talking with other girls I didn’t know about and even was planning to date one of them “if he and I didn’t work out” and he was telling her he loved her and all this.

I don’t know if they’re still talking because he locked his facebook and I can’t get in. All this hiding and secrecy has me really not trusting him (and I’ve had trust issues before him anyway). He’s the father of my child but I just don’t believe anything he says anymore and I’m under massive stress trying to cope. but our baby is due in just a few more weeks and I dont want her to grow up without her dad but i think i don’t want us to be together anymore.

I just can’t trust him. He still had photos of his ex girlfriend (including nudes) saved to his pc. He was talking with his ex throughout our whole relationship and lying about it. And I’ve read the emails with his other exes (that he had saved in his inbox) about how their relationships all started (which I get, it was all before me, no biggie) except that I realized he tells us all the exact same thing. The same lines to get us to be with him and then he plays the victim like he never did anything wrong. It’s just hurtful.

I know I’m wrong for going through his txts and emails, but I feel like if iI ask (and he truly has nothing to hide) he would show me without hesitation. But he hides it all and locks me out. Which makes me think there is stuff he doesn’t want me to see. Which, of course, only makes me more curious about what he’s hiding and why. I don’t really know what to do here… Please help.

I think it’s time to face facts. It takes more than biology to make a father. Your baby doesn’t have a committed father now and probably won’t have one in the future. This man just isn’t into you or into making a family with you. Take a big step back. Don’t invest another minute of your time or your heart. You simply can’t rely on him now. People do change but only when they want to. Pull back from him unless and until you see evidence that he is sincerely interested in being the man you and your baby deserve.

I hope you have family and friends who you can count on. Bringing a baby into the world should be a joyful and tender experience, not one fraught with stress and grief. Ask a good friend or relative to be with you during delivery so you can focus on the baby, not on a guy who doesn’t deserve your love.

I wish you a safe and happy birthing.
Dr. Marie

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Why Do I Engage in Attention-Seeking Behavior?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello. So here’s the thing: I noticed I’m an attention seeker a long time ago and I cannot understand why. My childhood has not been perfect, but it has been pretty good. My parent and my friends love me. I certainly can’t complain.

I think even as I kid I’ve always wanted to be noticed but positively. As I grew older I started to want sympathy, perhaps even more than praise. I would often misrepresent situation in order to get sympathy for it. I would play the victim etc. I hurt myself ( superficially ) to get sympathy and I still feel very embarrassed about this although it was a couple of years ago. I’ve realized how it affects people’s view of me (I don’t want to be seen as a helpless and weak person) and I try to be less attention-seeking. But in my mind I don’t really think anythings is changed. I still very often think of scenarios that would end up in me getting sympathy and I still tend to play the victim (subtly enough that no one would notice). I don’t want to be like that, but I just can’t help it. Do you think there is anything I could do to stop being like that?

Sidenote: I would be willing to go to therapy although I don’t like talking about this, but if there is something along the lines of ‘self-help’ I’d prefer it.

Thank you very much for sparing your time to read this. Have a great day!

Your desire for attention and your creating situations in which you will gain attention may fall under the broad category of fictitious disorders. These disorders involve individuals pretending as though he or she has a physical or mental illness. As you can probably attest to, this causes distress in one’s life. If those around you were to learn about your feigning illnesses, they would no longer trust you and some would cut ties with you altogether.

These types of disorders often stem from underlying emotional problems. Individuals with fictitious disorders wish to stop, but they often find that they can’t. It is almost like an addiction. Professional help is often required.

There is nothing wrong with self-help if it works, but as you stated “I just can’t help it.” Your own self-help efforts have led to a reduction in intensity, but it remains an unresolved problem. This would suggest professional help is necessary.

The fear of shame or embarrassment can hinder individuals from beginning therapy just as the fear of the boogey man can stop people from opening their closet door. But there is no boogey man in the closet just as there is no shame or embarrassment in therapy.

The fear of therapy stems from the false belief that you are supposed to know how to fix your own problems and that there is something wrong with you if you need therapy. Unfortunately, those sorts of stubborn and false ideas prevent many people with resolvable mental health problems from seeking help.

There’s no reason to fear therapy. I hope you will consider it. It would help you to feel better. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Can’t I Just Stop Lying?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I received a letter from a reader that is much too long to post. However, he raised an issue that may resonate for others so I’ll put a very edited down summary here:

I have a beautiful baby boy that i probably won’t be allowed near, a beautiful girlfriend, who now hates me, and a loving family that doesn’t trust me. Why might you ask does everyone think all that. I am a liar. I have been lying about the stupidest stuff for the longest time. I started lying when i was a small boy in a small town. My father is a preacher. I was in church constantly. I had friends at my school i went too, and i am naturally funny, but I lied. I would go out and drink with my friends and lie to my parents about what i was doing, whose house I was at, they knew none of this. The whole town thought i was this great person when in reality i was lying but without being caught. Then i joined the Marine Corps. Suddenly I didn’t have to lie anymore. I was looked up to and very well thought of. People and Marines respected me and came to me for help and advice, I was very dependable. After discharge, I then went right back into the swing of things. I started working all the time, and drinking all the time, and smoking a lot of weed as well. …

WHY CAN’T I STOP I KNOW ITS TEARING EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME, WHY CAN’T I JUST STOP LYING WHY DO I CONSTANTLY NEED TO HAVE OTHERS FEEL FOR ME OR THINK CERTAIN THINGS ABOUT ME. the lying makes it so much worse… How can i stop this. Ive tried everything. Two years and I’m still lying. Not as much as before maybe just its just as hurtful now as it ever was.

One of the issues you didn’t explore is why a preacher’s son would become a chronic liar. I’ve seen it any number of times. One possibility is that you didn’t feel you could live up to the standards that were set by your parents. Not feeling you could be the best, you went 180 degrees and became the best at being the worst — and you did it mostly secretly so you could maintain their high regard but protect your self-esteem by identifying yourself as a successful liar.

The Marines apparently gave you a “second chance” and, to your credit, you took it. But once you went back into familiar surroundings (and without the high structure of the military) you slipped right back into your “old skin.”

In your letter, you mention that you tried counseling only once and with a religious counselor. I suspect that a counselor with those credentials is too similar to your parents. I also think that you probably lied to the counselor.

I strongly urge you to seek out counseling from a licensed psychologist who does not identify as a religious counselor. Send a copy of the letter your wrote to LifeHelper plus this response to the therapist before your first session. That will at least lay out the problem honestly and will jump start your treatment.

Your letter was a good first step but unless you follow up, it will go nowhere. Do make an appointment with an experienced and licensed therapist and get down to the real issues. You are still young. You can still change and make a better life for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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