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Defense Mechanism

Why did my boyfriend disconnect?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 14, 2024

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I were together for six months. We fell in love quickly and were already talking about being together forever. We both felt like we were a perfect match for each other. He was even the one bringing up the topics of marriage and kids. The last two months of our relationship things suddenly changed. He said he felt disconnected from life and believed it was a defense mechanism for dealing with the hardships in his life. His mother is bipolar. She moved in with him and soon after is when our problems began. Her illness is too bad for her to live alone right now. He also has 2 kids to provide for and he’s only 26. We broke up a few weeks ago and he just confessed to me that we went to bed one night (about 2 months ago) completely in love and he literally woke up the next morning feeling completely disconnected from me. He said its like a switch turned off in his head. It”s happened in his past relationships but it occurred over a period of time and happened in relationships that already weren’t healthy so it seemed normal to want out. He said he believed I was “the one” and he never thought it could happen with me. He still loves me and is attracted to me and wants to be together but feels like there is something wrong in his brain that took away his ability to be intimate and feel emotionally connected to me. He said he went to bed completely happy and excited to be with me and literally woke up the next morning feeling dead inside. Nothing I did or he did triggered it to happen. How can his mind have changed so drastically over night? We are thinking it might be a symptom of a disorder possibly passed down from is bipolar mother. Has this happened to other people? He doesn’t want to ever have another relationship because if it happened to us when we were so perfectly happy then it’ll happen again with someone else. This is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He was my best friend and love of my life. Neither of us understand how this could happen. What could have caused this psychologically and is there any way to fix it?

My immediate guess is that your boyfriend got scared. It seems that he has a pattern of disconnecting when a relationship reaches a certain level of intimacy. It happened more rapidly with you because you two became so committed so fast. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your troubles started when his mother moved in. That had to stir up unresolved issues. My guess is that his history with his mom, the woman who has been his primary model for relationships with females, has been a conflicted and difficult one. However much his mother loves him, her illness has made her inconsistent in her ability to stay connected to him. As an adult, the closer he gets to a woman, the more vulnerable he feels. Since he is unconsciously convinced that he will be emotionally “left,” he protects himself by disconnecting before she does.

The way to “fix” this is for your boyfriend to get himself some therapy.It may be that his relationship with you was and is positive enough that he will be willing to face his fears and deal with the aftershocks of his childhood. Therapy will be hard at times because it will mean bringing to the surface some painful memories. But I hope he will agree that it is worth it. He deserves to have the happiness and closeness that life with an intimate partner can bring.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

May 14, 2024 0 comments

Friends: Don’t Have Any, Don’t Want Any

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 16, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been rejected by peers from as early as junior kindergarten. It was not so much bullying as rejection (i.e: I had only 1 friend up until gr.7 or 8, & mostly just got shunned or talked about behind my back). It’s been a continuing trend in my life, but I am just wondering if it is a normal reaction to not care (aside from feeling angry when I think about my past).

Specifically, what I mean is that I do not really care to have meaningful social interactions with other people. I view it as a hassle. Being friends with someone just means you have to deal with all the related complexities of the relationship. From my point of view, relationships simply complicate life. I don’t really see the point. People just aren’t worth the time. When I do make a friend, I tend to sort of drift away after a while. For instance, it would be weird having the same friend for more than a couple of years. I start resenting having them.

Yet, it seems that most people who don’t have friends DO want friends…and it causes them emotional pain/discontent etc that they don’t have friends. But I’m the opposite, I don’t care to have friends. I think that it’s a defence mechanism I built up. Do you think that it’s possible that it is a numbness to the social rejection I experienced as a child? If not, any general ideas as to what else could be triggering it (and is it normal to feel the way I do)? And is it even possible to shake oneself out of this kind of apathy? I have next to no motivation to do so. Also, is it really that detrimental to not want to bother with people on a personal level? I’m fine with casual aquaintances, like the people I work with. But I don’t really want anything more than that. And I’m also an introvert by nature.

I know I’ve asked a lot of questions, but I’d appreciate any insight.

Thanks

Thank you for writing. It’s certainly possible that you are right that you built a defense mechanism in response to early rejection. There’s an old expression: “You can’t fire me. I quit.” It’s possible that you protected yourself from rejection by deciding that you didn’t care about acceptance. This isn’t to say that you consciously made up your mind to give up on people. Little kids don’t function that way. But they do learn to stay away from what hurts them. What makes me very, very sad in your story is that no adult recognized the problem or protected or helped you. No little kid should be subjected to that kind of cruelty. No little kid should be left to figure it out on their own.

No. It’s not “normal” to be a complete social isolate. People tend to be pack animals. They need others around them to survive and thrive. It’s not necessary to have a huge circle of friends to be okay. Some people are fine with only a couple of close, intimate friends. Introverts are as okay as extroverts. I would just hate to have you go through life without the support, warmth, and mutual trust of real friendships. Yes, you really would be missing something.

You say you have next to no motivation to change. You didn’t say you have none. I suggest you use whatever little motivation you have to explore your feelings about this issue in the safety and acceptance that therapy can offer. A therapist won’t try to talk you into being different. But he or she will help you take a new look at your early experience as well as your present life. Together you’ll decide if you have some goals around relating people that you want to work on.

You didn’t get the help you needed as a child. Your adult self can make sure you get some support and guidance now. I hope you will give yourself that opportunity.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 16, 2022 0 comments

Coping with Husband’s Quick Temper

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 13, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a wonderful husband who I know loves me and is fully committed to me and our new son. We work pretty well together 95% of the time. I know relationships take constant work and there will be conflicts. I’m hoping to find a way to work through our recurring conflict better.

The recurring pattern goes something like this: I will calmly express my dissapointment in a choice my husband makes. He will get mad at me for “hurting him” by bringing this up. He gets more and more upset about it no matter how calm I remain and even if I try to let it go. It feels as though his only defense mechanism to any small conflict is to lash out at me. Needless to say, we both end up feeling hurt. Often times, my husband goes out of his way to change whatever it was that I initially brought up. But I’d rather he just acknowledge my feelings without lashing out at me.

For example, a friend of mine brought me a gift of unique chocolates (quite a lot) all the way from Europe and a specific thank you for something I’d done for her. My husband ate all the chocolate before I’d even opened it. I said to him that I’d really wished I could have enjoyed some of the gift she had brought for me (being very conscious of how I spoke to not sound angry because I know that triggers an angry reaction in him as well). He immediately starting yelling at me that how dare I get mad at him and I’m not perfect and he can never live up to my expectations… etc. This argument went on for 3 hours and I couldn’t comprehend how he was mad at me for him eating all of my gift… All I was hoping for was for him to say “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to eat all of your special chocolate”… I didn’t care that much about the chocolate, just that she went so far out of her way to get it for me. The next day he bought me a huge assortment of chocolate (crappy american kind 🙂

Another example: A friend of mine died in an accident recently. My husband did not know him but we have many mutual friends who will be at the funeral. I told my husband that I was going to the funeral (with our baby) and I hoped he would go with us. A week goes by, two days before the funeral (which is on his day off, Saturday) my husband says to me “I’m going to work Saturday”. My reaction is, “you’re not going to the funeral with us?” He tries to say we need the money, which we don’t (and he later admits that). He says he doesn’t feel the need to go. I tell him I’m disappointed because I had assumed he would want to go with us to be with us. I also tell him I feel hurt because he made this decision to work without even discussing it with me. He gets upset saying things to me like how I’m not perfect and I don’t see things the way he does and how I hurt him… Ultimately, he’ll come to the funeral with me.

There are many more examples, but they all follow the same pattern. These arguments are over trivial matters. Do I not even bring up anything to avoid the potential conflict? Is there any way to still communicate and work through the conflict while avoiding the 3 hours of his anger at me before any progress is made? My husband is a smart, loving and reasonable man. I don’t understand this recurring anger reaction. I would like to think we are mature enough to discuss anything and compromise. I would also like us to be able to model good communication and conflict resolution for our children. Once the episode begins, it follows the same pattern. I wonder if it’s just a way of his relieving stress. I feel we have a strong marriage otherwise and are both good parents. I don’t want to hurt him and I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. How can we put an end to this recurring pattern?
Thank you.

He may be loving but he isn’t reasonable — at least when he feels in any way caught being less than wonderful. Something in his history probably makes this make sense but knowing that won’t help you in the moment. It also doesn’t help him to be so easily triggered whenever someone points out that he has done something wrong or less than admirable. This will undoubtedly get in his way professionally as well as personally. So – no. You shouldn’t walk around on eggshells in order to avoid setting him off. For one thing, you’ll never be good enough at it. Avoiding the pattern isn’t healthy for you or, for that matter, for him.

Since your marriage is so strong in other respects, I suggest you ask him to join you in couples therapy to get to the bottom of this pattern. Sometimes the best time to go into counseling is when things are mostly okay. It gives you a foundation of strength to work from while confronting a difficult aspect of your relationship. Do be sure to tell him that you only want to improve what is already strong. My guess is his first reaction will be more of the same — defensiveness and shifting of blame. But once he simmers down, he may see the sense in it.

Resolving this is important for the sake of your relationship and for the sake of providing a positive role model for your children.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 13, 2022 0 comments

Bad Dreams & Stories of Abuse Trigger Visceral Response

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 26, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am being treated for depression. My medications are working and well balanced. I am getting regular counseling and education to deal with thought distortions and reactions to stressful situations. My problem is that I have recurring bad dreams about sexual violence. As I have gotten more in touch with my emotions, the dreams have become personal in nature–in other words I have become the victim molested by a person in authority. I also have an unexplained visceral reaction when abuse is brought up in conversations or small group settings. I have no memory of being sexually assaulted or abused. I was, however bullied and physically attacked by other children at school. I am anxious to have your opinion(s)and suggestions about how and whether to seek help on this. I have talked with my counselor and doctor about it; but they are understandably reluctant to give advice about something that cannot be reliably tested or verified.

This may sound contradictory but the nature of your dreams may be changing because you are improving psychologically. From a psychoanalytic perspective, the unconscious mind blocks memories that are too psychologically painful. This is a defense mechanism called repression. Repression protects an individual from thoughts or memories that are too painful to deal with consciously. As M. Scott Peck explains, we “have a conscious mind that is so often unwilling to face [difficult feelings and memories] and tolerate the pain of dealing with them, and that is so willing to sweep them under the rug.”

Now that you are making progress in therapy, the unconscious mind may be revealing these painful memories because you are better able to psychologically handle them.

Repression of painful memories is a protective mechanism but it is also a costly process, very much like a tourniquet. If you have severely cut your leg, a tourniquet will stop you from bleeding to death. However, if you leave it on too long it will continue to stop the blood flow to the point where your tissues will die, resulting in the need for amputation of the leg. Painful memories can be repressed from the conscious mind but it should be a temporary process. Eventually, when the individual is able to handle these memories, they should be returned to the conscious mind.

The psychotherapeutic process can be painful. Part of why it’s difficult is because one is often forced to deal with aspects of their life that they would rather avoid. The dreams may be an attempt to force your attention on painful memories. Once properly addressed your nightmares may stop.

Historically dream analysis was an integral part of the psychotherapeutic process. It is believed that dreams reveal important information about ourselves. They are produced by the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind knows the truth about ourselves even when we are unwilling or unable to see it for ourselves. Dr. Carl Jung said it best: “The dream shows the inner truth and reality of the patient as it really is: not as I conjecture it to be, and not as he would like it to be, but as it is.”

Your doctor and therapist are correct. It is difficult to verify the validity of dreams. Whether or not the abuse occurred will have little bearing on your current treatment. Either way, your task remains the same. You’ll need to learn how to deal with the emotional triggers relating to the mention of abuse. It is good that you are in treatment. This is an area that your treatment providers can assist you with.

If you want to learn more about the nature of dreams a great place to start is with Carl Jung’s autobiography Memories, Dreams, Reflections. He is considered by many to be the foremost authority on dreams.

I would encourage you to keep track of your dreams and to try and understand their meaning. I wish you continued therapeutic success. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

April 26, 2011 0 comments

Anniversary of Dad’s Death

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 26, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Saturday is the 1st anniversary of my dad’s sudden death. I have been the support person for my mom this year but it is catching up with me. This week I have been having bad thoughts of dying. I feel like why bother to do things, go to school, clean my house etc. I have been thinking about the end of the world in 2012 and figure why bother doing anything. I have been playing with fire with my meds because I just don’t care.

Will this feeling pass after I get past the anniversary? Is this normal for people to slip like this in this situation?

I live with bipolar and have been pretty stable for some time now. I just hope I get past this without doing anything stupid.

I am very sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is a significant life event. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five distinct stages of grief that people experience when they are dealing with a loss or a tragedy. Dr. Kübler-Ross describes these stages in her 1969 book entitled On Death and Dying. Her model of grief was developed to help individuals cope with the death of a loved one. You may be experiencing depression, one of the five stages of grief.

Stage 1: Denial. During this stage, there is often a sense of shock and denial. People describe feeling emotionally numb. It is almost as if they don’t believe their loved one is gone. Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism. In this regard, it serves a protection function and it helps lessen the impact of the loss.

Stage 2: Rage and Anger. During this stage, an individual may wonder “why me? What did I do to deserve this loss?” It is not uncommon for individuals to become angry at the person they lost. They may think “why did you leave me?”

Stage 3: Bargaining: For many, this stage may include striking bargains in an effort to regain part of their loss. For instance, an individual may pray to God promising to do something good in exchange for a favor. “If I do this for you God, will you allow me to wake up from this horrible nightmare?” Even agnostics and atheists sometimes attempt bargaining with God during this stage.

Stage 4: Depression. This stage can bring about feelings of complete despair. At this stage, reality has set in. An individual begins to realize the enormity of their situation. Some people feel a deep sense of loss and think “how can I go on like this?” This is the stage I believe you may be currently experiencing.

Stage 5: Acceptance. By this stage, an individual can fully accept the reality of the situation. They are better able to cope with their loss. They are now in a position to work towards healthy alternatives to cope with their loss. For instance, an individual whose mother died of cancer may feel compelled to start a support or education group to help other family members who have lost a loved one to cancer.

Not everyone will go through all of these stages and some may get stuck in the earlier phases and never progress to the later stages. It is a idiosyncratic process that varies from person-to-person.

To answer your specific question, it is “normal” to feel the way you do. It becomes abnormal and considerably more worrisome if your intense feelings of despair linger or if they significantly interfere with your everyday life. In such a case, consider professional counseling. You could also benefit from a grief and loss support group.

I would also recommend reading about death and dying and other related topics. Many people who do so report feeling less grief associated with the loss of a loved one. They also report feeling more comfortable with life and death issues in general. Books that I would recommend include: Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss; Life After Life by Dr. Raymond Moody and The Wheel of Life: A Memoir of Living and Dying by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These books might assist you during this very difficult time in your life. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

January 26, 2011 0 comments