I am 37 yr female Palestinian and my ex is 27yr old. He just broke up with me after a year and a few months of dating. He says we are on different paths in life. I believe he feels I pressured him about wanting kids, but I told him that I chose him over kids. We also work at the same company, and he says he wants to be friends, and he also avoids me like I am the plague. Then he IMs me at work and ask me about tv shows.
It hurts when trying to get over someone you love and still want to be with. I have already made the mistake of begging and texting too much. I have finally backed off. He has given me many mixed messages. First he says we should just be friends, but then he says he needs space to see if there is a future for us. I don’t know if when he tells me we should just be friends it is from the frustration of my past begging. He also told me to stop texting him my sorrow messages, or I would push him away for good. But does he see me as a friend or as having a chance?I don’t know what to think or do and it hurts soo much. I love him and do want to be with him, but I cannot go on like this either. I did not know that I was his first real relationship ever which makes it even more complicated. I also have ADD and i am extremely emotional and it makes it so hard for me. Any suggestions would be great.
Sometimes a 10 year age difference matters. At 37, you’re ready for something permanent. At 27, it sounds to me like your boyfriend isn’t ready to settle down – kids or no kids. You are his first serious relationship. It’s very possible that he doesn’t want to hurt you but wants to experience more before he chooses a life partner. Seeing each other at work all the time doesn’t help either one of you separate. The fact that you are so emotional makes it even harder for a decent man to leave you.
I don’t think you can be friends for awhile. Hanging on only makes you have hope and keeps him from having the experiences he wants and needs if he is to make an honest choice. Stop contacting him. Shut him out of your IM account. Keep conversations at work to what is necessary to get the job done. If you can, transfer to another department or get involved in a project that puts some distance between you. Let people know you are open to meeting other guys.
Yes, breaking up is really, really hard. But staying with someone who isn’t really sure he wants to be with you would end up being much harder.
If you do choose to stay with him, I suggest the following to try and build up the quality of the relationship.
- Open and Honest Communication: Encourage open and honest communication between both of you. Take time to understand each other’s perspectives and needs, and be open to discussing challenges and conflicts. This can help to build trust and establish a foundation for a healthy relationship.
- Identify and Address Issues: Take an honest look at the reasons for your on-again, off-again pattern and try to address the underlying issues. This can involve discussing past hurts and traumas, working through personal challenges, or establishing clear boundaries.
- Establish Trust: Building trust is a key factor in a healthy relationship. Encourage your boyfriend to demonstrate reliability and dependability over time, through small actions like following through on promises or being available when he says he will be.
- Invest in Personal Growth: Encourage both of you to invest in personal growth and self-improvement. This can involve seeking support from a therapist, practicing self-care, and working on individual challenges or goals.
- Build a Strong Emotional Connection: Building a strong emotional connection is crucial for a healthy relationship. Encourage both of you to express affection and appreciation, spend quality time together, and make efforts to strengthen your emotional bond.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie