Tag:

Disappointments

I Disappoint My Family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 5, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 15 years old and the youngest of five kids. Growing up all I ever wanted was for my sisters to like me but they forever criticise. They comment on my weight. On my love life and about how I look. They tell me to get the salad when we go out for tea and that breaking up with my ex-boyfriend was a bad idea because he was good looking, they didn’t care that he wasn’t nice to me. Then I was sexually abused by some boy and when I confided in them they told me I brought it on myself. They tell me they don’t like my friends and that I’m not very popular. My parents think they’re all perfect and call me the ‘disappointment child.’ I broke down the other day because when at church we were singing a hymn and my sister leaned in and told me I had to stop because it was awful. I study music and my voice is my instrument. Voices in my head constantly remind me that no-one likes me and that I am ugly I can usually make them say nice stuff but they’re getting worse. I cry all the time and they don’t care! They talk about me behind my back instead and I just don’t know what to do anymore!

Your parents and siblings are huge disappointments! No kid should be the target for criticism and harassment in her own home. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves for tolerating the way your sisters treat you and for joining in the bullying. I don’t really have enough information to analyze your family. My only guess is that your siblings are jealous of you. Unable to match your gifts, they put you down to feel better about themselves. Sometimes parents try to even out their kids’ abilities by putting a gifted kid down. They think they are preventing the other kids from feeling bad. As I said, I don’t have enough information to understand what’s going on so those are only guesses.

I do know this: Not every kid gets the family they deserve. Not every kid is loved, protected, nurtured and supported by their family as they should be. It’s sad and frustrating but it’s the truth. Some kids just don’t get a fair deal. But that doesn’t have to determine what happens in your life. You have a gift. Don’t let anyone take your voice away from you. It’s probably your ticket to a good college and to a different life. Work hard on your music. Write songs to help yourself with the pain. Get yourself involved with a chorus or choir or musical theatre or a band. Such groups will put you in contact with people who share your interests and who support each other is making beautiful sounds in the world. You may meet older people who can mentor you and help you on your way.

In 3 short years, you’ll be able to leave home to go to college. Work hard in school and in activities that support your music so you can apply for a music scholarship. The quality of your life doesn’t have to be determined by your family. You can set your own path and make a future that is filled with supportive people who love you for who you are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 5, 2021 0 comments

Inadequacy & Job Rejection Have Led to Depression

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW August 17, 2011

written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I have big goals, big dreams, big hopes for the future. I’ve built my life on working toward accomplishing these dreams. I’m generally a really optimistic, ambitious person. Anything I set my mind to, I succeed at in some way.

Until this year. It’s been a year of consistent, debilitating disappointments. I wrote a book and put my heart into it. I polished it and sent it out into the world. I received 30 rejections.

I’m a newly qualified teacher with two Masters degrees and $100,000 of student loan debt. I’ve applied for dozens of jobs and haven’t even gotten an interview.

I can’t stop the feelings of inadequacy and being not good enough because I’m LITERALLY not good enough. It’s been confirmed by 30 rejection letters and dozens of job applications unanswered. Nobody wants what I’m offering, even after I’ve worked my entire life to be prepared. I only have one person to talk to–my mom–and she’s insistent that I’m just being “negative”. This makes me feel so much worse. All I’d need to feel better is a few words of sympathy, but when I explain that, she says she can’t solve my problems for me (I don’t want her to, I just want to feel like I’m not alone). We both want me to move out, but seeing as I have no money and no chance of a job no matter how much I apply, I’m stuck here. It’s so unhealthy. My heart constricts just thinking about staying here another year.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’ve always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in the past, but this past year’s disappointments has obliterated the optimistic girl who could find the silver lining in everything.

You are obviously an intelligent and motivated woman who’s taken many steps to be successful in the workplace, so it makes sense that being unemployed and having multiple book rejections would be totally discouraging! It sounds to me like living at home isn’t helping either. Have you asked for your mom specifically for empathy and emotionally support? I suggest you let her know exactly what you’re looking for, even giving her the exact words, when you share your struggles with her. You mentioned that she’s the “only” one you have to talk to – why is that?

I suggest that the first step you take is to branch out socially so you have additional support during this difficult time. Try getting involved in some community groups that interest you, like book groups or hiking groups, for example. Consider spending some time volunteering. Look for ways to broaden your circle of associates and friends beyond you mother.

Since your current employment efforts aren’t going as planned, it might be time to get more creative in your problem solving by taking your passions, gifts, and training, and refocusing them temporarily. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.

Housing: What about looking for a housing situation where you manage an apartment complex in exchange for rent, or you check in on an elderly person in exchange for living in a basement apartment?

Employment: What about applying to non-teaching jobs while you’re waiting for the right teaching opportunity to come along? Any job will allow you to save money and move out on your own so you’re not “stuck” living with your mom. Consider refocusing your teaching experience by developing a course for community education classes in the evenings, for example.

Writing: How about taking your love of writing and looking into writing a column for a local newspaper or website while you’re waiting for opportunities to get your book published? Have you looked into self-publishing options?

My personal and professional experiences have taught me that, even when things don’t go as planned, no life experience is ever wasted. Many professional opportunities I’ve had have come through developing a network of personal and professional relationships that have opened up doors that I didn’t even know existed. As you expand social circles you’ll be developing key relationships that will likely open doors for you, too.

Thanks for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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August 17, 2011 0 comments

BF has anger issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 3, 2010

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 3, 2010 0 comments