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Why is my sister acting this way?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

In February of this year, I moved out of my dads house. He is a crackhead and once when he was high he had physically and verbally abused me, and I left. It had happened before, but never like this. When I tried calling for help, he took my phone. I ran into my sisters room(shes a year and a half younger than me) and used her phone to call my mom, who lived about 20 minutes away. He heard me crying and talking on the phone and tried to break the door down and kept telling me to shut up. After I got off the phone, I ran into my room, locked the door and packed my stuff. He left the house.

As you can see, my sister was there for me. We were never really close, but if one of us needed the other, they were there. Its now November, and things are way different. I havent talked to my dad since that day. I did talk to my sister for about a month after that happened. During that month, I would still go out to my dads when he wasnt home, as he is a truck driver and only home every other weekend, and play the xbox, etc.

Then all of a sudden, I get a text from my sister. Shes telling me how mad she is at me. When I ask her what I did, she wont give me an answer. Still to this day I have no idea what I did. She tells me to “stop being stupid, I know what I did.” Its only gotten worse since then. She now wont even talk to our mother. My sister tells our family(my moms fiance, his ex-wife and their 2 daughters) that she hates my mom and me, but never gives a real reason. My mom tries calling her almost every night, but she never answers. My mom leaves voice mails, crying, asking her to tell my mother why she hates her. She never calls back.

A few nights ago, on my mothers birthday in fact, my mom asked me to text my sister and ask if she was going to call her for her birthday. Her answer to that? “Ill call her when I get home and have time.” I told her there was no excuse for this, and that mom should be called as soon as possible. Our whole family knows she’s up to no good when shes out, she has parties when dads not home, lets her 16 year old boyfriend(who has no permit or license) drive dads car, she stays out past curfew, and she has had the cops called on her. I continued texting her for the next 7 hours, trying to convince her to call mom. She never answered with a “ok” or an “I will”, but instead argued with me about pointless things. Needless to say, that phone call never came.

The holidays are coming, and us kids(me, my sister and my moms fiances daughters) were all invited to my mothers for thanksgiving and christmas. My sister refuses to go if me and my mother are going to be there. I think my dad has gotten into her, but I dont understand why she cant stick up for herself. He spoils her now; he bought her a puppy, he takes her out to dinner every night when hes home, etc. Shes going to be 18 next year, she should act like an adult. Thank you for your time.

I can tell that this situation is heartbreaking for you and your mother and that you are genuinely confused and upset by your sister’s behavior. Without knowing more about the situation, I have only one guess. Is it possible that your sister feels that everyone has abandoned her? You and your mother both got out of your father’s house. She’s been left there – with the violent crackhead that you couldn’t stand to live with!

I’ve known situations like this where the father is also abusing the daughter and threatening her not to tell. If that is possibly the case here, of course she can’t tell. She has to hope and pray that you will guess. Her various negative behaviors could be seen as signals to you that she’s needing help.

My best suggestion is that you stop blaming her for not being “an adult” and see her for the scared 16-year-old she is. She may need your help, not your negative judgments. You and your mom need to discuss a way for her to not live with your father if that’s what she needs.

Pick her up, take her to a safe and pleasant place and have a sympathetic heart-to-heart talk. Apologize to her for leaving her with your dad and ask her as kindly and calmly as you can if he is hurting her in any way. See if she would like a way out of the situation. Be prepared for her to be angry with you. She may well have a right to be. Listen. Don’t defend. Just listen and be there for her. If I’m right about the situation, it will be important for you to be as supportive as you know how to be.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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He feels completely hopeless and can’t get help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am in College in my senior year and the last three semesters I have bombed. I can’t focus on anything I do. I fall way behind in school. I am always angry. I constantly seek out distractions just so I don’t have to deal with life. I play video games most of my waking hours. I hate everything about life and feel the world is about to end anyways. I hate myself and think myself to be ugly. I have thought about death a lot but because I believe in hell I think it would only get worse so I feel very trapped in a miserable existance. I can’t focus on anything and doing some of the most minor things requires a lot of effort for me. I feel numb inside sometimes and empty. The depression gets so bad it turns to physical pain like a knife in my heart and cold. I feel lonly but afraid of most people especially women and prefer to be by myself. I am 26 and never been in a relationship but as of lately I stopped caring. I was molested at a young age by several guys that I barly remember but enough to haunt me. I often feel like I am being laughed at by others around me. I feel I can’t go on any more. I feel drained all the time and kind of dead inside. My mother is a sever alcoholic who makes up a lot of stories that are not true and when I was younger tried to turn me against my father. She is a compulsive smoker who acts like she is always the victim and its everyone elses fault. I want help but have little money. I have talked to counsolers before but mostly they just say think positive which just makes me angrier. I have trouble keeping up with it and just fall into isolation over time. I feel overwhelemed with all kinds of problems but cannot get any real help. I can’t afford medicine and without any help it is very hard to live on my own. I tested for Asbergers which reveal that I probably have it but their is no kind of assistance for adults with this problem. I have been labled severe depression, sever emotionally disturbed, ADHD. I also sometimes but not as often any more feel like everything is going really fast and sounds appear to be fast forwarded only to have everything go really slow. This lasts for about 5 to 10 miniutes and then everything goes back to normal. I had a cutting problem for a while but have cut way back. I am sorry I am rambling with all this crap but I can’t seem to be able to turn anywhere. How can I get REAL help with all these issues. I only want to know where I can go or what I can do to help with all these issues.

It’s not rambling to try to lay out the issues you are struggling with. You certainly have a lot of challenges. I’d like to think that writing to us here at Psych Central means that you haven’t given up entirely. Obviously, an advice column can’t solve your problems but perhaps I can give you a little direction.

First — Please don’t give up on counselors. All therapists aren’t alike. It’s important to interview several in order to find someone you think can understand and help you. “Think positive thoughts” is not it. You probably need a combination of some medicine (at least for awhile to give you the energy you need to do therapeutic work) and talk therapy that helps you deal with the traumatic events of your past, your family, and your current difficulties. Real help is out there but you have to go find it.

Next: There are many therapists and clinics who offer a sliding fee scale and who accept health insurance. I did a web search of your city and mental health services and found several that look promising. I suggest you call around and see whether any have services you can afford.

And — If you do have Aspergers, there certainly is help for managing it. An excellent book on the subject is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger Syndrome by Valerie L. Gaus. When you call the various mental health clinics in your area, be sure to ask if there is anyone who specializes in adult Aspergers.

I do urge you to take charge of yourself and at least start getting the help you need while you are still in college. If possible, you want to have a handle on yourself before you start looking for a job. You are obviously a man who thinks in complicated ways and who will respond well to some good support and advice. Use your remaining semester to give yourself the jumpstart you need to make a good adult life for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Too too angry

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 14 year old girl: I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I used to be a happy little child. I know what you’re probably thinking, you’re going through puberty, horomones are crazy, but that’s not what’s it. I’m not going through some “teen-angst” state. There are multiple holes in my wall from me punching it. I’ve thrown my chair at my bed. I’ve thrown my phone at the wall when someone pissed me off when I was talking to them. I’ve punched quite a few mirrors in my house, the bathroom, my mom’s mirrored closet doors, my mirror. I’ve kicked a keyboard in half. I broke a girls arm.
I get depressed too easily, too. After one of my angry episodes, like metioned above, I’ll start crying because I feel horrible for what I’ve done. The time after I punched my mirror I accidently hit my dog, not even that hard, and he just walked away unscathed and I was laying on the floor crying my eyes out. I used to cut myself. Sometimes I get to the point where I want to so badly, but I remembered how hurt my mom was when I last did it. Plus I ended in the local behavioral health center, and I’d rather not go back there.
When I get angry everything gets quite blurry and I lose my clarity of everything else. Nothing else matters to me, but what I am angry about. Someone could be contemplating murder, and I would be focused on something entirely different. I start twitching really badly. When I get angry I will push my fingernails in to my legs and breathe heavily. I try to calm myself down and it just doesn’t happen.
The littlest things bother me. Someone says the phrase “dilly-dally” and I want to beat them. If I’m already bothered and someone attempts to touch me, I get really angry. When people tell me what to do, I get bothered. When people spell things wrong, I get bothered. When people make fun of other people, I get REALLY bothered.
I can honestly say I’ve never been emotionally strong. In about fourth grade I went through the school counsuling system, and the counsuler said I had Anxiety issues. I think it may be more than that.
Sometimes when I get angry I get really hyper as well. I’ll start running around the house, often to run into things and get even more pissed off. I cuss too much, and I often drop the f-bomb way more than I should. My mind will start wandering, which is not a real good thing for me. Not to sound cocky, but I’m really smart and quite artistic.
I’m content only at about two in the morning. Which it is right now. And this lasts for only about an hour.
These moods change about every day or two. Sometimes even a week.
When I’m in my hyper-mode, I believe I can do anything. I even placed a bet with someone that I could walk through my door. I tried and I even argued with my friend that I did do it. Even though, thinking back (while I’m content), I know I didn’t.
What’s wrong with me? I know this isn’t just me being a teenager. None, I mean none, of the population that attends my school go through stuff like this. They are generally very happy people.

You are absolutely right. What you are describing is not usual teenage angst or the expected emotional storms of puberty. I admire your courage. You are looking squarely at yourself and you are reaching out for some help.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. I don’t have enough information. What I can suggest is this: First, talk to your parents if you can. You need their emotional support. And you need some help making your way through the health system and getting services paid for. If you don’t think your parents will be sympathetic, start with your school counselor or your school nurse.

Then ask for a complete medical checkup. Thyroid problems, anemia, even an electrolyte imbalance, for example, can cause depression and erratic behaviors. I always want to rule out the physical before we start thinking about the psychological. If you are medically fine (which is a great thing to know), then see about getting a psychological evaluation. Ask your doctor for a recommendation or go on the web. When I searched “mental health services” and the name of your town, I found several places that specialize in youth.

In the meantime: If you feel yourself getting out of control, please consider calling a support line. The folks at the BoysTown crisis line at (800) 448-3000 are there 24/7 to help teens – both boys and girls – who need someone to talk to. You can find out more about them at this link : http://www.boystown.org/hotline

The most important thing I want you to remember is that you don’t have to be alone with this confusion and pain. There are people in the world who dedicate themselves to helping kids like you. I also bet there are people in your family and in your school who will help you if you give them a chance.

Please write back and let me know how things go.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Subconsciously Making Decisions that Hurt My Wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for 13 years. I have two young children. Over the last three years I have noticed a change in my wife’s attitude towards me. She moved out of our bedroom and into the guest room. She was having difficulty sleeping, however when she purchased the bed, she told me that it was for her mother when she comes to visit. However, she moved into the bedroom instead and without explanation. We have never really discussed our relationship.

I noticed that she stopped caring for me and started focusing on herself. In a few conversations she told me she felt her independence and freedom were being “threatened” by our lifestyle. I work fulltime, and she is a stay-at-home mom with an occasional part time job . I have had problems trusting her over the past three years. Because I was unaware of her changes in behavior, I began snooping at her diary and email a few years ago. She found out, and she was furious at me. Recently, she asked me if we could start anew, and I questioned her sincerety. I checked her email, and noticed a realtionship with another man. I didn’t have her permission to view her emails. I recognize that this is a symptom of a much larger problem. Unfortunately, I do not really know what that larger problem is.

She has recently told me that the larger problem affects my decisions in multipler areas of our relationship. I was trying to save our marriage by working from home to provide her with more time for herself, I designed a trust agreement that I signed and dated to commit to not violating her privacy, I lost 30 pounds to prove that I could change behaviors, I changed my daily routine from being a night owl (she is a morning person) to becoming a morning person and going to bed early, and we have both begun to see therapists individually. She feels I’m not taking the root of the problem seriously, and she felt that I was hiding behind these new behaviors and hoping the root of the problem would go away.

I think some of the issues are the decisions that I’ve made without speaking with her. I have made financial decisions without speaking to her. She manages our budget. I have difficulty listening. I seem to ask questions during a conversation that have previously been answered during that conversation. I have a fear of confrontation. She believes I act selfishly, and don’t think about her or my family. I have paid down our massive debt, but drained our savings account to do it. This was done against her will and without appropriate communication. Trust is a major issue right now. She also told me that anything I say seems disingenuous. I love her, and I want to save this relationship. We are both overwhelmed at where we are in our relationship, and neither one of us knows how to resolve these issues. Our only real hope seems to be with individual therapists. I fear, however, that she and her therapist will be focused on her way out of the realtionship as opposed to working things out together.

I’m so lonely and feel abandoned. I hate that I have caused her so much pain and that I am just consciously understanding that now. We haven’t been able to celebrate our wedding anniversary for the last three years. We are able to go to dinner, but it ends in sadness or pain. Any suggestions? Her therapist suggested she read, “Too good to leave, too bad to stay.” Mine suggested, “Finding the Love You Want.” I don’t think we are ready for couples therapy right now, but I do think I need to keep talking to her to better understand what my problem is. Any advice?

It must be confusing and difficult to be trying so hard and to feel that little you do pays off. I think that the “root” of your problem may rest in your first paragraph where you say you’ve never discussed your relationship. From your letter, it looks like you’ve each done what you thought was best without much cooperating with the other. No team or business or marriage can work like that. However well-intended each person is, unless everyone is on the same team, working toward agreed-upon goals, the result can be a mess.

I worry that your attempts at a solution are more of the same. Now you are both seeing an individual therapist who is only hearing your side of the story. The books the therapists recommended speak to the individual focus. I certainly don’t want to presume to comment on other therapists’ work without knowing the whole story but I do encourage you both to talk to them about why they don’t see you as a couple. Neither one of you made a 13 year marriage by yourself. You’ve both contributed to whatever is good and bad about it. From the information you presented, I would encourage you to at least explore couples work as a route to mutual understanding.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Husband in military wants a divorce

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband is in the military and under a lot of stress right now, and I fear it may be having a very negative impact on him. For years now he’s been really detached from everything. He has no friends, he doesn’t do much with his life. He works and he plays World of Warcraft and that’s about it. He was a completely different person when we first got married. He hadn’t been in the military very long, and he was very full of life. He had hobbies and friends. He enjoyed getting out and doing things, but the more time he spent in the service, the worse he became.

Eventually he just stopped doing much of anything. He stopped talking to friends, didn’t spend as much time with his family, even his hobbies seemed to be slipping. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but maybe I should have. I figured it was just stress and it would go away eventually.

He’s seeing a therapist, but I’m not sure how often. I remember him saying once that they’d said he had OCD and had suggested that he might be schizotypal. He’s told me several times that he feels like his mind is splitting and thats why he has mood swings. One minute he’s friendly and caring, and the next hes very cold and distant. Naturally I was concerned, but I have no idea what to do.

We’ve been married five years (just had our 5th anniversary yesterday). We haven’t seen each other in two years due to him being in the service, though I did see him for two weeks over Xmas break. During that two weeks things seemed fine. We spent time together and we had fun and he seemed very in love with me. A few weeks ago he called me out of the blue to say he wanted a divorce.

His reason for this has changed several times. First he didn’t love me anymore, which I just can’t believe. Then he felt trapped and wanted to be free. Then he wanted the chance for us to start over fresh and correct past mistakes. Then I wasn’t the kind of person he wanted to be married to. He wants someone with a good work ethic, and I admit that mine is severely lacking, but I’m making up for that now. I’m fixing my mistakes, but I’m still concerned for him.

He won’t talk to me because he says talking to me hurts him. When he thinks about the good times and leaving it all behind, he feels hurt. To me, and I may be wrong, that says that he’s not sure that leaving is the right choice. But he’s avoiding his feelings. He’s cutting himself off from everything. I feel like he’s trying to shove the issue and his feelings under a rug, in hopes that they will just go away. As long as he avoids talking to me or talking about our relationship, he doesn’t have to face the fact that he may not be making the right choice.

I believe his detachment from everything is one of the (if not THE) key factor in the downfall of our relationship. So now I don’t know what to do. Do I just sit here and let him deteriorate even more and let what’s left of our marriage (as well as our friendship) fall apart completely. Or do I do something about it? I realize I can’t force him to stay with me, I’m just worried about his detachment. Not just from me, but everything. I don’t know who to voice my concerns to about it. I have no idea who he’s seeing, and there’s no way for me to find out. He wouldn’t tell me, and due to confidentiality, I can’t find out anywhere else.
What should I do? He doesn’t want to talk to me, and if I tell him I’m concerned, it may just push him further away.

Your husband sounds significantly depressed and perhaps at risk for hurting himself. He may be pushing you away in the mistaken idea that it then won’t matter to you. Military life takes its toll on people whether or not they are in active combat.

I strongly urge you to call the chaplain connected to his unit and share what has been going on. Please don’t be concerned about your husband being mad at you for interfering. Better to live with “interfering” in a way that might help him than to live with not doing so and having something happen to him. The rules of confidentiality allow for you to share information even if the person you are talking to can’t give you details in response.

You may also find some help for both of you at this website:

National Military Family Assn

Military life can be hard on the whole family. If you haven’t done so already, I hope you will reach out to a military family support group in your area. Your problem is not unique. Other spouses left behind can help you feel less alone and give your you practical advice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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