family abuse Archives

Q. Hello! I come from slightly abusive family (constant verbal abuse and slight physical also) and I have 2 brothers. One of them grew up without seeing any violence before the second one started receiving it. In the past few months, every time someone in the family starts screaming angrily at my little brother (5y-o) and it’s really raging, I get this urge to hurt the brother- push him down the stairs or beat him up. I love my little brother a lot and I could never hurt someone, but I’m so scared of those urges turning into reality. I do blame the brother for what he has done, but I blame others more for raising him up this way; but I don’t understand where the urges come from. I get an image of the situation and right when I snap out of it I start wondering what’s wrong with me, why am I like this. I am a suicidal person, but it’s hard for me to get help right now, but this is only mentioned to maybe get some clearance in my head for why this is happening. Thank you a lot! I really appreciate your time.

You described your family as being only “slightly” abusive. They might be more than “slightly” abusive. It’s possible that a more accurate characterization might be that they are “significantly” abusive.

Many people underestimate the effects of psychological abuse. Verbal abuse is psychological abuse (also known as emotional abuse) and it can be quite detrimental to one’s mental state. For some, psychological abuse is more damaging than other types of abuse, physical or other. Studies have shown that it can lead to depression, anxiety, hypersensitivity, and physical aggression. Emotional scars can be long lasting.

Having been a victim of psychological abuse might explain your anger and aggression towards your brother. The fact that you consider yourself a “suicidal person” further supports the notion that you have been negatively impacted by the abuse in your family. It’s unusual and alarming to be suicidal. It’s worrisome and it warrants immediate intervention from a mental health professional.

You wrote that it is difficult for you to get help, but you did not say why. No matter what circumstances you are facing, you should try to get help. Emotional abuse is linked to the aforementioned conditions and may be the reason why you feel the way you do.

Thankfully, effective treatments exist and can assist you in making positive changes to both your environment and your psychological health. Speak to your school guidance counselor about the abuse in your home. They might be able to help you directly or connect you with outside referrals for treatment. If that’s not an option, then speak to a trusted adult family member and ask for their assistance.

Don’t hesitate to call emergency services if you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else. They will know how to help you and to keep you and your family safe.

One final option is to contact child protective services. Google “child protective services” and your zip code to find a local phone number. They will come to your home, assess your safety and protect you and your siblings from abuse. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

From a young woman in Nigeria: My parents got separated when I was 11. And for some strange reason there was a lot of pressure on me to fix the situation from pretty much everyone minus my dad (saying that we were really close and he would listen to me). Due to the situation, I really didn’t come to terms with the situation and didn’t deal with it well, most of my time spent in boarding school was spent crying and I did go through a period of cutting(self-harm). Basically I didn’t know who to talk to about what I was dealing with and I’ve pretty much kept my feelings to myself till now.

My second problem is my mother, after the separation she spent time blaming me for most her problems and usually making me feel worthless. And I don’t know how to handle her. Most times I have thoughts of killing myself just so finally she will be happy.

And lastly I’m really not sure where to get help from in my country because here we don’t really have mental health discussions and whatnot.

People who don’t want to face their own responsibility for problems often look for someone else to blame. I’m so, so sorry that members of your family expected an 11-year-old to do what the adults couldn’t do to fix the marriage. That is so unreasonable. If you question that, take a look at 11-year-olds that you know and ask yourself if you would expect them to be a marriage counselor for angry adults. It’s ridiculous.

But, being only 11, you did what 11-year-olds do. You took the responsibility seriously and then felt like a failure for not being able to do the impossible. I hope that now that you are older, you can have sympathy for the 11-year-old who still lives in your memory and remind yourself that there was no way that your could have repaired your parents marriage when you were only a child. For that matter, you can’t do it now either!

Your mother is not a happy person. She will not be happier if you commit suicide. It will only give her another reason to hold onto her idea that she is a victim.

I’m very glad you wrote. It is a good first step to separating from your family’s unreasonable expectations and for claiming yourself. Since there are no mental resources in your area, please do consider joining a forum here at LifeHelper. Members are not professionals. They are people who are grappling with the same issue you are. Their compassion and understanding can help you feel less alone. Often members offer experience and wise suggestions.

Another resource for you is the library. There are many books written by people who have been through something similar. Reading their stories may help you gain more perspective on your own.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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