Family Drama Archives

From a woman in the U.S.: My husband of 13 years has been unfaithful for years and I let it slide until 2018 when I caught him taking pics with another man in drag. He used the excuse he wanted to transform to a woman so I left. ( I say excuse bc after i officially left he changed his mind on changing)

My mom tells me to come home and before I decided I learned my father had a heart attack that almost killed him which set me into motion of coming home. I told her I was a failure and she gave me the support I needed and said i wasn’t which made me feel welcomed back.

Fast forward to today i feel like this woman hates me. My kids and I do stuff around the house for her, she even started to pay my youngest ones. But my sister never does anything. I’m not allowed to say anything about it bc it starts fights that I end up apologizing for when I feel it’s not me who needs to.

My dad knows she is lazy but told me to keep my mouth shut around mom bc he is tired of the drama. So I have. Now shes back to going through my oldest daughters things and if you say anything she denies it. My younger sister gets away with everything and I’ve let it go, but now they are attacking my 21 year old who can every much defend herself but it’s wrong. We can’t do anything right.

I live in a camper on the property, my oldest didnt want to stay with me so my mom said she could sleep on the couch and gave her a closet, that she has to keep locked bc my mom and sister go through her stuff.

My dilemma is I left one toxic home for another and I feel this one is worse than being with my husband. With him I got to speak, here I’m 10 all over again with a 17 yr old sister that runs the place. My mom treats me like I’m a competition to beat. Shes a compulsive liar, attacks me with nasty words anytime she feels a little threatened or I speak up for myself.

I finally got a job that dont pay enough and i have the kids in a steady environment. Grades are better, not missing as much school. They have friends and activities. I dont know what to do. My husband wants me to come home. And I have thought about it bc of the stress I’m in here, but I know things wont change with him. And I need to get away from my mother. I’m guessing I’m answering my own question by saying I need to find a second job to get away from both. I’m tired and not getting relief.

What a difficult way to live. I understand why you are so frustrated. I do agree with you that it would be a mistake to go back to your husband. You deserve better. Believe it or not, I also agree with your father. Trying to change your mother is futile. Why put yourself through the frustration that comes with trying?

You are not going to change your mother. You are not going to change your sister. What you can change is how you deal with the situation until you can get out.

There is no point in defending yourself or arguing. Arguing with your mother just tells her there is something to argue about. When a rational person argues with a crazy person, the rational person ends up looking crazy, too. If your mother invites you to fights, decline the invitation. Say something neutral (like “I’m sorry you feel that way.”) and leave. If she blocks you when you try to leave, just stand there and hum, pray, meditate — whatever helps you not respond — until she gives up.

Your daughter has it right. Lock up what you don’t want your mother to see. Stay in your camper or visit friends or the library or go for a walk when you’re not at work. There’s really no reason to go over to her house. If you help out, she criticizes. If you don’t help, she criticizes. So why put in the effort to help?

Meanwhile, make a plan for how to get out of there. Can you get a better paying job? Would it be wise to get some schooling to retool? Can you do some volunteer work that will prepare you for better work? (At the least, it will keep you out of your mother’s crosshairs.) Is there live-in work in your area (like being a nanny or caregiver) that you can consider?

Do team up with your daughters on all this. They are old enough to be a team with you. They don’t need to argue with your mother either. It won’t change her. It only depletes them. Work together to figure out how you can make a better situation for yourselves.

I also suggest that you and your daughters find a family therapist to help you sort out how best to manage living on your parents’ property until you can get out. No, I don’t think you are “crazy”. I do think the situation is crazy-making. You deserve to have someone in your corner who can potentially come up with solutions you haven’t thought about already and who can provide you with some support.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

I don’t really know how to explain the situation, but I deal with a lot of family drama, my parents have kind of high expectations, with the stress of school on top of that I became extremely unhappy and kept all of my emotions in and I wore that fake smile everyday until I finally reached my breaking point. I started self harming for about six months until my mom found out and suggested an inpatient program at a hospital. I refused to go because I didn’t know if it was going to go on my record which could possibly affect my dreams of becoming a psychiatrist. So, instead she sent me to a councelor who I’ve been seeing for about a year now. She sent me to a psychiatrist when I first started going to her and I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication but I stopped taking it a month after it was perscribed. I have a major fear of choking and drowning As well and can’t swallow pills. I’m still having major problems with the depression And My anxiety has been very bad, I’ve been considering talking to my parents about finishing the year by taking online classes. Because I need to get away. But what I really want to know is, how can I deal with depression and dig myself out of this hole? It seems like everytime I get so close of beating in, I get nocked right back down to the bottom. I’m still seeing my therapist but it’s not enough, my mom is still pushing me to go back on medication but doesn’t understand my fears. Is it even possible to beat this without medication? I also apologize if a lot of this doesn’t make sense.

Thank you for writing. Of course, you’re making sense. You’re asking good questions and you’re trying to take care of yourself.

Finishing the year online might help you temporarily “get away” but your problems are going to stay right there with you. Whether you stick it out at school or do the work online, you’ll still have to deal with the depression and anxiety.

Yes, it’s possible to get out of depression and to calm anxiety without medication. It takes eating right, getting some exercise every day (enough to get those endorphins going), getting at least 8 1/2 – 9 hours sleep every night, and really collaborating with your therapist to learn new ways to cope. These are all things you should be doing with or without meds but it’s even more important if you’re trying to be med-free. It’s certainly worth a try.

But here’s another thing to think about: You say you want to be a psychiatrist. If you are going to be prescribing medications to others, it’s probably important for you to learn as much as you can about how to help someone like yourself feel comfortable about trying medicine as an assist. You’ll have more empathy for your patients and you’ll be able to do your work with integrity.

Do have a serious talk with your therapist about your goals for therapy and your sense that things aren’t moving along as you’d like. You could bring this letter and response to your next session if you are hesitant to talk about it. I wonder if she knows about your fears of drowning and choking.

Please don’t give up on your treatment. Be as honest with your therapist as you can possibly be. She only has what you tell her to go on. And don’t give up on your dreams of being a psychiatrist. Some of the best doctors I know are those who have been through their own troubles. They can relate to their patients because they know what it’s like to feel discouraged and they know what it takes to gain a sense of balance again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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