Family Dynamics Archives

There are many things in my life I am proud of. I’m a hard worker, had a lot of success in my career, I’m a loyal friend and a dedicated mother & wife. There are a also few things I really wish I never did. I always had an issue with taking things, like clothes, from people I lived with. The older I got the less these things happened, and my husband would never think any of this to be true because I have not once taken anything from him. The 2 things I have done that haunt me are: once I stole $300 from a good friend when we lived together who just inherited $250K and got caught when I was 19. She forgave me, I paid her back, and luckily we are still good friends. I also stole from my mom when we were renting a house together when I was 25, 60$. She noticed money was missing from her bank and she tried to get the bank to investigate but they never did. She did confront me about it and I lied. I truly believe she wanted the bank to investigate so she could prove that I stole from her and they would charge me. My family supported me the least financially over the years, if at all. At the time I had just moved so I was short on cash and since my parents never lent me money, I didn’t want to bother asking.

It upsets me that my younger sister, who is now 25, still receives full financial support and takes money from my mother all the time. My parents know this is unfair for me but they just laugh. I also know that my mom loves our youngest sister the most, because no matter how many bad things she does, my mom defends her and supports her. My mother has never shown such unconditional love for me. Instead, throughout my whole life, when my mother thinks I’ve done something wrong, she yells at me, and blames me for ruining things.

I don’t know why I had these stealing issues but I believe it’s in my past. I believe that I am a good person now. How do I forgive myself and move on? How do I get over these anger issues with my mother?

You are asking the right question. I think you keep rerunning the stories about your younger self to show yourself that there are at least two ways to move beyond a mistake: You can confess, make retribution and move on. Or you can justify a theft and continue to feel smug that you pulled something over on someone you are angry at (in this case, your mother).

This is not to say that your mother is right to be more supportive of your sister than she is of you. But, at 31 years old, isn’t it time you gave up trying to make her love you the way you want her to? Either she will or she won’t. Exacting some sense of revenge by repeatedly reminding yourself that you once got away with stealing $60 from her seems pointless, doesn’t it?

You are not going to change your mother. You might be able to change your relationship by dropping your end of this fight. Maybe so. Maybe not. But in the meantime, you could love yourself better by focusing on maintaining relationships with people who do love you. Continue to be a good friend to your friends, a loving partner to your husband, and a nurturing mom. Those are the relationships that count now – far more than the thorny relationship you have with your mother.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

From a teen in Canada: Hi. I am a 17-year old girl and have been struggling with family issues practically my entire life. I was born as a love child along with my brother who is 18. My biological father was already married at the time he met my mother and promised he would divorce his wife because he is unhappy with the marriage that was arranged for him. However, he never divorced his wife yet produced two children with my mother.

I feel that this is important to mention as I continue to describe the issue I’m experiencing. Because of this, my mother has, undoubtedly, developed some mental issues as well. Currently, my mother is dating another man. Unfortunately, my mother and her boyfriend have communication problems since my mother cannot speak English fluently. My mother is Chinese, and her boyfriend is Canadian. I believe my mother has anger issues but she does not see that in herself (perhaps it was developed during the times my mother was with my biological father).

Because of so, my mother and her boyfriend of 2 years are constantly fighting and I can’t handle it. I always find myself in the middle of their arguments because I have to act as the translator and it’s really battering me down mentally. Adding on, I’ve been struggling with my own mental problems where I have depression, social anxiety disorder, and suicidal.

This is really taking a toll on my mental health and I don’t know how to deal with their constant arguing. I can’t go live with my biological father, and I’m not of legal age to leave the house. My mother is very loving, but her inability to empathize and reason is really making me tired. I don’t want to be in the middle of their arguments, and I don’t want to be my mother’s counselor if she doesn’t even take the time to listen to me. Even now, with my doors closed, I can still hear my mother arguing with her boyfriend. I’m just so tired. What should I do?

Although painful, your situation is not uncommon. It’s not unusual for parents who don’t speak English to turn to their kids to be translators. Unfortunately, the more the parents depend on their kids, the less practice they get in the language. The problem therefore continues.

You are under no obligation to be your mother’s counselor, translator and emotional support. She is the mother. You are the kid — even though you are 17. If your mother and her boyfriend can’t solve their problems, they need to see a professional, not you. You have enough to deal with in your own life. But withdrawing from your role as translator/counselor is easier said than done.

It will be easier on you emotionally if you don’t feel like you are abandoning your mom but are instead turning the problem over to someone else. I suggest you research whether there are services in your city that provide translators and English lessons to immigrants. Also look for bilingual counselors. If there are no services, consider whether there is an adult friend or relative who you can enlist to be your mothers’ support person.

Once you identify some supports, I suggest you tell your mother and her boyfriend that you are not trained to be a good help with their problems with communication or with their relationship. Give them the resource numbers and tell them you can’t and won’t do it any more.

This will be difficult. You may need to figure out an “exit plan” when they start fighting. Think about places you can go (a friend’s house? the library?) when they start arguing. Get yourself some earphones and use them if you have to stay home.

Do not let anyone try to make you feel guilty for withdrawing your help. If anyone tries, simply tell them the truth: You are not a trained professional and there is a risk you will do more harm than good if you continue to try to solve your mom’s problems. The best help you can give her at this point is support to find real help.

I hope your brother is working with you to help your mom transition to more independence. It will be helpful if he will add his voice to yours to get you out of the middle.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Family Dynamics

Anger Over Family Dynamics

How Do I Get Out of My Mother’s Arguments with Her Boyfriend?