family squabble Archives

From a teen in the U.S.: My mom thinks that there is something wrong with me. Something that stops me from being nice to everyone that is close to me, like my sibling. She thinks that I WANT to cut off all the joy in my life.

I don’t really know why. When I was really young my dad had died, and because I was so young, it didn’t really have an impact on my life. I really don’t know if there was a void in my life my mom could never fill. My mom would and still gives us the occasional slap on the face. It’s okay though, it’s not like “actual abuse”. It’s just discipline. But either way, I know deep down inside, I am scared of her, because I was always afraid that she would hurt me.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t like to share their feelings. I keep everything bottled up inside, so much so, that sometimes I don’t know what I am feeling. I don’t want to people to know that I am vulnerable, and having feelings, to me conveys that you are weak and vulnerable. I stop myself from crying in front of other people. When my mom talks about my “issues” to me, I want to cry, but I never do, I just blink them away really fast.

School has always been an issue as well. My mom wants me to do very well, but I am not capable of that stuff. I’m in all honors and stuff, but she turns into a monster, trying to make me learn math for the quiz that is tomorrow, making me stay up until one or two am. School was just always miserable, but an escape from home.

My mom thinks I truly want to hurt my sister and herself. Me and my sibling fight A LOT. We wrestle, punch, kick each other, and annoy the heck out of each other as well. I love to annoy my sister, but I don’t think I hurt her. My mom feels like I also do the opposite of what she wants me to do. But when I’m not hungry, I’m not going to eat, and I will put up a tantrum if I have to dress up, because I hate dresses. I’m not trying to hurt her, but I am going to do what I want to do.

She thinks it’s so weird that I have no friends, well no close friends. I have a couple of friends but I don’t feel comfortable enough to invite them to my house to just hangout or come to a birthday party. I am a proud antisocial. There is a lot of stuff wrong with me, but my mom thinks I have some sort of mental problem. She thinks that I want to be a mean person, but I am the way I am, I don’t go out of my way to try to be mean to people. I don’t like people and shut them out. But is there something wrong with me and do you know the cause of all of that? Thanks alot.

This will be hard for you to hear, but I’m with your mom. She doesn’t have the best way of saying so, but I think she is right to be concerned about you. Being “mean” is not “just the way you are”. No baby is born into the world to be a mean person. No one comes into the world ready to fight, punch and kick a sibling. No one comes into the world antisocial, proud or otherwise.

I don’t know what is wrong. I only know something certainly is. I hope you will see a counselor who can get to know you and who can help you become the person you are meant to be.

And, please. Don’t refuse services just because it will look like your mother is winning. Real freedom, real independence, means that you do what’s good for you — even if your mother would like it. Take care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

From a young woman in Canada: My mother and I always seem to get into arguments when we speak. Often times when I find myself speaking about my emotions or issues with her, she’ll quickly dismiss them or compare my feelings to others. This makes me feel like my emotions are invalid or not important to her. I’e tried to explain this to her many times, but I don’t think she’ll ever quite understand my point on this.

Because of this, I often try to avoid speaking with her altogether. Even when she makes remarks generally, I find myself annoyed or automatically put off by her opinion.

\I’d like to know what strategies I can use to reduce this habit of continual frustration and annoyance by my mother’s behaviour. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and treat her with the same openness as I can usually manage with others. However, I’m finding it quite hard and I’d like some more information on what this type of phenomenon is called and what I can do to start improving my relationship with her.

Any insights or suggests you may have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Thank you for writing. Let me ask you this: If you find that a door is locked, how many times do you shake the doorknob before you give up? Do you get annoyed with the door? Or do you look for other ways to take care of the situation?

Your mother is who she is. Her ability to deal with emotions is locked up. You have tried everything you can think of to have more intimate conversations with her. She can’t handle it. This is not new information. It doesn’t matter what her behavior might be called. It doesn’t matter that you want things to be different. It doesn’t matter how many different ways you try to make her understand. She just. Can’t. Do. It. (at least for now).

The way to give up a tug of war is to drop your end of the rope. A fight can only happen if you agree to participate. You don’t need her validation for your feelings to be valid. You don’t need to frustrate yourself by trying to change her. You don’t need to continue to frighten her by rattling her locks. That only shuts her down more.

You are asking her to accept you as you are, but you aren’t returning the favor. There are probably good but painful reasons why she can’t handle your feelings that are buried in her own history. She is so fearful of opening up that she can’t even do it for you. Imagine how big that fear must be if she feels she has to avoid that level of intimacy with her own daughter.

My suggestion? Have more compassion. Accept her for who she is. Look to your good friends for validation and support. If you are looking for a romantic partner, do look for someone who is in touch with his own feelings and who can support you in yours. It’s a legitimate need. You deserve to have a partner with whom you can mutually share an emotional and intimate part of life.

Most important, look to yourself. Trust your own instincts and your own sense of what is right to confirm your points of view. It should be enough. If it isn’t, maybe it would be helpful for you to see a therapist to dig into why you keep looking for something from your mother that isn’t there. A therapist can also offer you practical strategies for managing your relationship with her.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

family squabble

Is There Something Wrong with Me?

How Can I Improve My Relationship with My Mother?