Family Support Archives

From the U.S.: I’m 21 and have a long distance boyfriend of 3 months. He came to visit and meet my family and meet me in person for the first time. The relationship between him and my family was already rocky because of a rule that my family made for us. They told me we couldn’t be in a room with the door closed. They didn’t want me to tell him because they thought he would think that was weird, but I had to because I knew it would get in the way of us trying anal sex which I had told him I would like to try with him. That made him mad because he’s 23 and he just got out of the army so he’s tired of rules and feels like I’m an adult and should be able to have more freedom.

He came anyways, though, and we ended up breaking the rule my family put in place. My mom accidentally caught us breaking the rule. She doesn’t know we were trying anal, but just the idea of us sneaking around and breaking the one rule they put in place made my parents upset. They had my boyfriend leave, who acted kindly towards them but told me he thought they were making way too big of a deal out of it and needed to “cut the umbilical cord” and realize that I’m an adult and should be able to make my own decisions.

I had also been planning to go with my boyfriend to his house to meet his family and stay there for a while, but my family wouldn’t let me and told me it would be dangerous and that I don’t really know him or his family. They told me they feel that I’m in over my head and that I’ve changed a lot and been to wrapped up in this relationship. They’re considering taking my phone and were about to transfer me to a different school because they’ve seen me put too much into friendships and put them over school before and fear that at my current school I couldn’t handle friendships plus this boyfriend. The only thing that made them not transfer me was that it would be too complicated to transfer credits. I love my parents and their boundaries do comfort me, but I wonder if my boyfriend is right. Who do I listen to?

You have only known this young man online for a few months and were meeting him for the first time. I suspect your parents were trying to protect you from moving too fast into a sexual relationship with someone you barely know. I agree. It’s easy for your boyfriend to urge you to “cut the cord,” but he’s not the one risking their support and respect. You are. Although you are 21, you are still living in your parents’ home and they are supporting you. For that reason, both you and your boyfriend needed to respect their rule. The fact that the two of you “sneaked” only proved to them that you are immature and that the boyfriend can’t be trusted.

My advice to you is to slow down. Your parents are right that you know very little about this guy and his family. You don’t need to rush into a sexual relationship with him or a long visit with his parents. You have plenty of time to see how this relationship unfolds and if the interest turns to real love. Doing well in school is your road to eventually being an independent adult. If your guy loves you, he will take the time to really get to know you. He will honor your family and support you in your schooling — not just pursue his own goals.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

From Dubai: Hello, I’m a girl from Middle East and I suffer a lot from everyone around me. I can’t even start with the main issue. But its related to my parents and family. They seem not to love and support me. They even don’t know my hobby and simple traits.

Starting with my father, he is always comparing me with my bigger sister and I hated her after I was loving her I wished to be successful as she is and how my father treating her more warming and supporting her. Mention that she is married. And my father also always comparing me with my cousins and criticize me and how I am shy and introverted person but I am not that. And when I order something I really need he ignore me. While he doesn’t ignore other sisters. He doesn’t support my dreams and hopes but only thing he do is criticizing.

Now moving to my mother, the one should and must be warming and supportive. She is also comparing me with cousins and she give support and love to cousins while she doesn’t do that to me which led me to literally hate them. I tried to tell her my secret maybe she will help me but all she does is mocking me and make joke of me and my secrets and telling my ant my secrets and break my privacy. She laughs at my flaws (physical) and my friends. She insulting me with things I never have control on it. They don’t listen to me and be against me when there is an issue with someone.

I cry hardly in my room and no one notice that and I hated them. I hated myself and felt so sorry that I do not love my self and no one do. And no one support me and don’t have anyone to talk with about what I feel.

All my friends I don’t tell them any of this because I feel so broken and feel that they will get bored of me. I hated my family also because they are as my parents. Also mention that I have low self-esteem and don’t appreciate myself. When a group of people talk and laugh loudly I feel badly because I think they are laugh at me. I’m 23 years old living with more than these problems but to keep it shortly I mentioned the main issue.

Please help me because I started to think of dying and hoping that I never exists and I wish that I could kill myself but my religion prevents me to do it and how I would like to kill myself to tell my parent they should notice me. And there is one last thing I really hate to see a good parent who support their children and happy. I really envy them and hate them a lot. I’m such a good person

It’s very, very sad but true that not everyone gets the parents they deserve. You are certainly not alone in this situation. I know that doesn’t really help but maybe knowing it will take the sting out a little. As painful as it is, your parents’ rejection of you and favoritism to others probably has nothing to do with you, really.

I wrote an article for LifeHelper some time ago called Rejecting Childhood Rejection. Rather than repeat what I said then, here is the link: #/lib/rejecting-childhood-rejection/.

Your challenge is to decide that your parents are simply wrong about you and to go about life in such a way that you can be successful and find other people who can and will love you for who you are. Your self-esteem won’t improve if you wait for your parents and relatives to give it to you. You need to start working on it on your own.

Start focusing on school so that you can both feel good about yourself and gain the skills you need to get a job and live on your own. And do let your friends be the kind of friend to you that you would be to them. I know you would comfort a friend. Let your friends comfort you. Share some of what you are going through and ask for some reassurance and help. Friends often become closer than family. Give your friends a chance.

The world is not your parents. There are many, many people out there in the world who, once they get to know you, will be the kind of “family” you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Family Support

Can’t Tell if Parents Are Too Controlling or if I’m Really in Over My Head

I Hated Everyone Because of My Parents