Father Daughter Archives

I have been a mother for my daughter’s first born girl who she had abandoned for 17 years under various excuses. The father of my grand daughter also had left the country and no one knew where he was all these years. It has been a difficult situation for the child but we in the family have given her attention and love in abundance. Now, this year, she went to live with her mom which is good except of the fact that their relation ship is bad. My daughter is not used to looking after her and many times she has threatened the girl for sending her back to us. With no guidance my grand daughter after being an excellent student and doing her A levels has stopped her school and leads a very free life. The thing is that she has turned against me and feels very bitter. She told me that she “cannot even see my face” without becoming mad. Therefore I keep away and wait for a change. I am suffering because I love her above my own life but do not fully understand her feelings. My daughter also has always had issues with our family and I start to believe that whatever we do for her, it will always be so. My problem though is my grand daughter and would like to know if there is anything you may advise me to repair this relation.
Thank you.

I’m sure this is very, very painful for you. Perhaps I can offer a possible explanation that will help you be patient. Your granddaughter is trying to understand who she is. She has reconnected with the mother who abandoned her. Teens in this situation often feel that they have to become like their parent in order to not be abandoned again. In addition, it is the fantasy of most teenagers to be free to do what they want when they want. It isn’t healthy for them. It isn’t a good way to live. But they often have to find that out for themselves. Your granddaughter is a 17-year-old who is desperately trying to make sure her mother won’t leave her again and who mistakes neglect for freedom.

Please trust that all the years of loving her and providing for her and teaching her will eventually come to her rescue. You didn’t raise a stupid person. She’s just confused about how to be loyal to both you and to her mom. Avoid arguments with her about what she is doing. You can’t win the arguments and you might lose the girl. Just let her know that you love her and whenever she is ready you’ll be happy to have her come back. You could tell her that you fully understand why it’s important to join her mother’s life for awhile. It does make sense. But her mother’s life hasn’t been good for her mother so it may not be all that good for her either. If you say that, be sure to say it without a critical tone. Reassure her that she’ll always have your love and that you hope she’ll visit. Then just love her, love her, love her.

I know it’s hard. I understand that you are scared for her and sad about the rift in your relationship. Please have faith that you raised her well and that she will eventually come back to you. It’s more than likely that she will.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, I truely do love him and he loves me. The only problem that we have is that he has a 4 year old daughter. I knew that he had a daughter when we first got together but I assumed that it would not bother me. He dated his ex for a very brief period of time (4 months) and she got pregnant and left him. She attempted to say the little girl was not his, he fought for his rights, and got visitation and pays child support. He is an awesome dad!

Then I came into the picture and started pressuring him because I am insecure about his ex, he started spending less time with his daughter and not seeing her and avoiding her mother at all costs. I realized how unfair this is and attempted to break up with him (several times) so he can be the father his daughter deserves, but he will not let me go. He tells me I’m the only positive thing in his life, and that he will do anything to make it work.

So, how do I deal with his daughter and ex? I feel like I will always come after them and that he will always be attached to his ex. Even though he reassures me he won’t. I feel like he will never be able to love our future children as much. I even had an abortion because I was so insecure about about our situation (and did not want be attached, and was scared that if I can pull him away from his daughter then maybe some other girl will be able to pull him away from my kid), and now feel guilty. I resent his little girl. She is super sweet and smart and she loves me very much, but it is so hard to deal with everything. I am always jealous and resentful, and make him feel guilty and torn. Any advice?

Before you can be a loving partner to this man, you need to do some serious growing up. It’s understandable that at only 20, you are insecure and immature. But that doesn’t make your attitude and behavior okay.

The reality is that the very qualities that make this man worth loving are the qualities you hate. Unlike many guys, he didn’t walk away from his responsibilities. He loves his little girl. He’s been there enough that she loves him. He’s an awesome dad and he wants you in his life. This is a man most women would give anything to be with.

But you’re so competitive with his past that you want him to erase it. Instead, you need to be embracing his daughter and developing a civil relationship with her mother. If you in fact stay with your guy, you will be coparenting his daughter. You, your boyfriend, and his ex will need to make joint parenting decisions that are in her best interests. In many ways, she is the first child in your family. Should you go on to have a child of your own, he or she will be special in his or her own way — as your first birth child. The man you’re with won’t love that child less, just differently — just as all of us love each child in our family a little differently.

If you can’t sincerely and wholeheartedly wrap your head and heart around loving your boyfriend partly because he loves his little girl so much, let him go so he can find a woman who won’t make him choose.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Father Daughter

Unexplained attitude of my granddaughter

Jealous of Boyfriend’s Ex, Child